Crazy Apple News Site

Since there has been so much clamor for a fable, here’s a post I was already working on cleverly re-worked as “a short story, typically with animals as characters, conveying a moral”¹

Once there was a dorky man named Mister Gates.  He wrote software on punch cards.  Everyone thought he was a geek, but they were kind to him because he made lots and lots of money.

One day Mr. Gates found a bald monkey living a sad and dejected life. The monkey had no name, so Mr. Gates called it Ballmer, because it was, well, a bald monkey. For years Mr. Gates tried to teach Ballmer to behave properly around people. He spent his time teaching Ballmer how to speak, how to walk, and how to motivate people, until one day he decided to let Ballmer out in public.  It didn’t go well. Ballmer got scared of all the people looking at him, started sweating profusely, and suddenly started clapping his hands together and shouting “Developers! Developers! Developers!” while dancing around in a circle.

Mr. Gates was sad, but he took Ballmer back to his home in Seattle and worked with him for several more years.  It got to the point where Mr. Gates couldn’t even clean his Windows because he was spending so much time trying to get Ballmer to act like a human.

Finally, after years and years, Mr. Gates believed that Ballmer was ready to be let out into the real world.  In fact, he was so confident that as he left his company he gave Ballmer the keys, and told everyone to listen to the monkey.  Everyone was surprised; the monkey had learned how to form full sentences, and even some basic math:

“Forty percent of servers run Windows, 60 percent run Linux.  How are we doing? Forty is less than 60, so I don’t like it. … We have some work to do².”

Although some of his sentences are a little convoluted:

“We want software more powerful than software that runs in a browser³.”

In the end, Ballmer hauled Mr. Gates back from his retirement feeding starving children in Africa and working on a cure for AIDS so that Mr. Gates could star in a pointless series of commercials with a comedian from New York. And while nobody laughed at the commercials, once again everybody laughed at Ballmer.

The moral⁴ of the story:  Don’t dress a monkey in a suit and call it a CEO, lest it start flinging things in the board room((Like this. Caution: linked story contains naughty words that Steve Ballmer allegedly said to an employee.)).

Okay kids, settle down now, it’s time for bed.

1. courtesy of the Apple built-in dictionary [↩]
2. from Macworld [↩]
3. also from Macworld, but a different article [↩]
4. Does anyone remember the Wheel of Morality from Animaniacs? [↩]

Once upon a time there was a beautiful computer company who lived in the magic valley far to the west. And this computer company made graceful, elegant, useful machines that everyone loved.  True, it was hard to develop software for the beautiful computer because the beautiful company only wanted beautiful software. And true, the beautiful computer was a little expensive, but people were happy to buy it because it was so great.

One day an evil software company from far to the north came and tricked the Master of Business and Industry into putting their software on all the computers the Master sold.  The evil company’s software was ugly, hard to use, and downright primitive compared to the beautiful company’s offerings, but people still bought it for two reasons: it was cheap, it was easy for all the little developers to write software for the evil company’s operating system, and you could install it on any hardware you wanted.¹

At first the beautiful company laughed at the evil company’s products, but somehow the evil company took over the world, and all but a faithful handful moved to the Dungeon Of Stupidity. Those few waited for the return of their King, the head of the beautiful company, and a day when they would once again be able to use beautiful computers in the light of day, instead of hiding in MUGs.

At last the King returned and the beautiful company started the long, slow climb back out of obscurity. They made it easier for the little programmers to write software for the beautiful computer by giving them the tools they needed. They brought the price of the beautiful computer down, so that more people could know of its beauty.  And the beautiful computer once again flourished.

And the King thought, and brought forth Music that the people could carry, and all was good. And he thought again, and the beautiful company built computers in the Air, and all was good.  And at last he thought his greatest thought, and brought forth a new device, one that combined the Music, and the Air, and let people talk to other people across great distances.  And the people rejoiced, for the new device was amazing and powerful.  At length the beautiful company let others create programs to run on the device, and the rejoicing increased.  True, it was hard to develop software for the beautiful device because the beautiful company only wanted beautiful software.  And true, the beautiful device was a little expensive, but people were happy to buy it because it was so great.

And now a company that claims not to be evil has brought forth software that seeks to replace the beautiful device.  The software isn’t ugly, but it isn’t as beautiful as the software that runs the beautiful device.  It isn’t hard to use, but it’s harder to use than the software for the beautiful device.  It is more primitive than the software for the beautiful device, but there are those in the kingdom who fear that people will use the software of the company that claims not to be evil for two reasons: It’s cheaper than the beautiful device², it’s easy for all the little developers to write software for it³, and you can install it on many different devices.⁴

For now, the beautiful company laughs at the company who claims not to be evil’s device. But the faithful sit and wait, wondering what the King will do to ensure that what happened to the beautiful computer doesn’t happen to the beautiful device.  They hope that the beautiful company will allow the little programmers to write software for the beautiful device in freedom, as they have the beautiful computer.  They hope that the beautiful company will make the beautiful device less expensive, so that more people may know of its beauty. And they hope that the beautiful device will flourish.

1. Three reasons. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition! [↩]
2. 
   The software is free [↩]
3. Because the company that claims not to be evil says that any software will be allowed [↩]
4. This fairy tale still hasn’t learned to count [↩]