We will miss you. This site wouldn’t exist without you, for what little that’s worth. Apple will carry on, and there will be wonderful advances based on what you did, but the world won’t be the same without you.
Salve atque vale.
-Nate
10:00- Steve is on stage! But not made of metal, which is disappointing.
10:05- iPads are selling like really expensive hotcakes. Everyone loves them.
10:15- Doctors can show you your x-rays without you getting out of bed with their iPad. “This is where we think I left my watch,” says Dr. Johnson.
10:16- Kids love iPads too! Who knew?
10:17- The iPad…loves you. It loves children. It’s basically an angel of love and light and love.
10:18- iPad 2 gets announced today. Say goodbye to the copycats.
10:19- New Processor! Faster! Dual core! Did we mention faster? It’s faster. That’s why it’s called “A5”.
10:20- Cameras! Gyroscopes! Miracles!
10:21- It’s thinner too. Faster! Thinner! Cameras!
10:22- White iPad. ugly.
10:23- Verision and AT&T. I have nothing to say about that.
10:24- The white one is still really ugly.
10:25- The prices, they no move. No come down, but no go up. So there you go.
10:25- They ship on March 11th. Take that, all you other tablets that haven’t shipped yet.
10:27- For $40 you can have a weird port splitter thing. Charge and use all at once! You know you want it.
10:30- Weird new magno-roll-up cover thingy. Looks…cool? if you like the color light blue.
10:31- A RAINBOW of colors! A rainbow that includes three shades of what amounts to “black or gray” And executive leather covers. For the discerning user.
10:32- Scott Forestall is out, and is feeling intense about iOS 4.3
10:35- iPad switch does what YOU want, baby. It’s your switch. As long as you want it to mute or lock rotation.
10:36- iPhone 4 is now a hotspot.
10:37- Photobooth demos. I’m still not over the original OSX photobooth demos. Please stop.
10:39- FaceTime. Yep. Yep.
10:41- Big stuff coming out on March 11th.
10:42- iMovie for iPad. All the Pixar engineers who have been working with iMovie for iPhone breathe a sigh of relief. Finally! a slightly larger screen!
10:44- iMovie for iPad is…a lot like the OSX version. But it’s got a cool marquee thing on the home screen, so that’s cool, right?
10:48- My limited patience for iMovie demos is coming to an end. Seriously, guys. Move on.
10:49- Steve just revealed how old he is “It blows my mind, this stuff.” He may have well added “What with the tapping and the rotating and the looking and the making movies? I don’t know.”
10:50- GarageBand for iPad. This one make sense. But still, the demo better be short.
10:52- Moving on. Okay, thanks for the GarageBand demo. Moving on now. Please?
10:53- “This is a window into a much larger piano”. I’m pretty sure that’s not how that works.
10:55- Apparently the rest of the demo is all GarageBand, all the time.
10:56- Drums. DO NOT USE DRUMSTICKS! Use your fingers. Or our new iSticks.
10:57- Smart guitar: the guitar is smart, so you don’t have to be.
11:00- Okay, I’m going to just be over there somewhere until they’re done talking about GarageBand. Talk amongst yourselves.
11:03- Garage band is finally done. That was painful.
11:05- “Now we made a video that I’d love to show you.” Did they make it in iMovie on an iPad 2?
11:06- Jony Ive likes the iPad 2 A. LOT.
11:09- Kinda bummed they didn’t make iWeb for the iPad.
11:11- Steve is on stage, wrapping things up…hopefully. Unless he’s got some cool news about something else.
11:12- Steve is giving a speech about DNA and technology and stuff. It sounds kinda mystical.
11:13- And that’s all folks! Thanks for joining us in joining others…or something. And remember, if you enjoyed this post, why not buy your editor an iPad 2? It’s the classy thing to do.
Apple Reported Fourth Quarter Results yesterday, leaving reporters scrambling for good ways to express their financial situation to laymen.
“Seriously, they have a buttload of cash right now,” one analyst put it. He then spent the next two hours trying to convince his editor that a “butt” is a large container used “back in the day”.
Peter Oppenheimer was typically restrained during the official conference call, stating that the company is “delighted with our September quarter and fiscal 2009 results.” Unbeknownst to people listening to the call, he was doing what Jony Ive later described as “an unholy melding of the Cabbage Patch and the Macarena” at the time he said this, while Steve Jobs was “joyfully firing interns”.
Out of a cannon.
“We can afford it,” was all he said.
The interns were unavailable for comment. Unless “UUUuuuuUUUrrgh. My head!” counts as a comment.
CANS would like to wish Steve Jobs a speedy recovery and good health in the future. We’re sure that Tim Cook will do fine until you get back.
Get well soon.
Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.
This week: Stacks, Apple’s easy way to make a pile of stuff on the dock look…well, a lot like a pile of stuff on the dock.
Q: Help! Help! Helphelphelp! Help! Help1 Hlephelf help!
A: Sir, or possibly madam, calm down! You’re starting to type like a 9-year-old!
Q: AAAAAAAAAAaauuuugghh!
A: Now you’re a comic strip person. What do you need?
Q: I [pant pant] need [pant] Steve!
A: I’m sorry?
Q: Steve Jobs! At Macworld! He’s not!
A: Ah. I see. And you-
Q: It’s a conspiracy, you know!
A: A consp…
Q: It’s a conspiracy between Apple and the Terrorist Hedgehogs to stop the Mac goodness from staying pure and unsullied!
A: The Terrorist Hedgehogs?1
Q: Don’t play dumb. You know all about the nefarious underground resistance fighters.
A: Are you just spouting random lines from B Sci-fi movies?
Q: And now they’ve undermined-
A: Good metaphor!
Q: -Macworld Expo and we have nothing left to live for! You know you were all excited about the “One More Thing” that was bound to happen this year! Now what do we have to look forward to?
A: Actually I quite like Phil Schiller…
Q: PHIL FREAKIN’ SCHILLER! We all know what he’s going to talk about. Stupid iPod games. Again.
A: That does seem likely…
Q: What about Snow Leopard? What about a new version of Time Machine? What about an iMac refresh? You think Schiller’s gonna talk about these things?
A: There doesn’t seem to be any real reason for me to respond to you…
Q: What about revamping the dashboard into something useful?2 What about a brand new 64GB iPod Touch with a black bezel? What about a black mock turtleneck?
A: Hey now, we don’t speak in bold italics on this blog; tone that language down my friend.
Q: Now all of this has been defeated by those libertarian pro-llama red-wing defeatist pinbacks!
A: We also don’t allow, er, species-ist slurs on our blog. I may have to ask you to leave.
Q: You would, you hedge-lover!
A: …
Q: It’s hard to find a good insult for someone who likes hedgehogs, alright?
A: I can see that.
Q: I mean, they’ve pretty much taken all the fun out of it at that point.
A: Yes. Well, hopefully-
Q: Much like the Terrorist Hedgehogs have taken all the fun out of Macworld Expo!
A: Okay, I warned you about this already, you’re outta here, my friend. Androids, if you please?
Q: You can’t silence the truth! I may be dragged kicking and screaming out of this iFAQ, but the truth will prevail! The hedgehogs are organized, and if we don’t act, we won’t have macs! You hedgehogs sympathizers must be stopped!
Steve Jobs today was forced to admit the truth: Apple is really terrible for the environment.
Based on an unknown list of criteria, yet another watchdog group has lambasted Apple for being just really, really terrible for the environment compared to such upstanding companies as Dell and Tesco, which I would know more about if I lived in England.
“You got me,” Jobs said in a private phone call to Ceres headquarters that we may or may not have wiretapped.1 “We are actually burning down three acres of rain forest for every iPod Touch we sell. It’s not even part of the manufacturing process or anything, we just really hate any tree that doesn’t produce Apples.” Jobs said, inciting profuse whining from the party on the other end of the line.
“Furthermore,” quoth Jobs, “all that stuff about ‘going green’, reducing our carbon footprint, making our systems more recyclable, and being open about our systems? All false. We still use coal and steam to stamp out the new MacBook cases. How did you ever catch us, Granola Joe?” His tone suggested that he was not being entirely sincere at this point.
“Wght, shertgsh, hurgl… I gotta go lie down!” was all we could get from John Gruber on this topic. One assumes that he’s having another heart attack, but you can see his point.
In a surprise counter attack, we were unavailable for comment this time when Apple tried to reach us for a statement.
So, while I was chatting with Steve Jobs on the phone after the “Let’s Rock” event he received a call from John Mayer. I don’t know if he meant to put it on three-way calling, or if he just meant to put me on hold, but this is a transcript of the call:
Phone rings
Jobs: Oh crap. I gotta take this, Moltz. Hold on.
Dickson: Er, Dickson, actually. But Moltz is fine.
Mayer: Hey Steve.
J: Hi John.
M: I saw the keynote today.
J: Good, good.
M: You played “Gravity” as a “Genius” example. That was pretty cool.
J: Glad you liked that.
M: And some of my other songs came up as well.
J: Yep.
M: But I was surprised, there at the end, when that Hawaiian guy got up on stage.
J: Jack Johnson is a very talented artist, and…
M: I had my guitar there with me, Steve. I was already to go. What happened?
J: Look, John, I know this might be hard for you, but we’ve moved on.
M: Moved on? You can’t leave me, Steve! You need me! Apple needs me!
J: John, don’t make this harder than it already is. Bono didn’t get all whiny like this when we stopped making the U2 special edition iPod.
M: What about that one keynote? And that other keynote? I rocked the house!
J: You performed adequately, yes, but…
M: I mean, I can understand bringing in Randy Newman from time to time. You basically own his soul, right?
J: Well, Pixar did, which means Disney does, so basically yes, but…
M: So he’s okay; he’s fine. But Jack Johnson? Some wimpy hyper-mellow…
D: Maybe I should just go…
J: Quiet, Moltz.
D: Dickson. But Moltz is fine!
J: Whatever. Listen, John, your time has passed. You’ll still show up in cover flows or as a “favorite song” in a playlist here or there but your star has set.
M: What’s that Johnson got that I don’t got?
J: Grammar, for one. Also, he’s personable, John. He tells jokes. He connects with the audience.
M: I can tell jokes! I can connect!
J: You look like a stuffed iguana trying to sing, John. Let’s face it. You were hot for a while because of that real world song, and that wonderland song, but…(tinny snippet of “Upside Down” starts playing) Look, John, it’s over. Goodbye. And Moltz, I told you stop calling me. (click)
D: Dickson… Oh who cares. (to self) I could never be as good as John Moltz…
M: (to self) I could never be as good as Jack Johnson…
In keeping with the current trend in the Apple blogging community, I present the CANS predictions for WWDC: What Would Doogie Create.
Rumors of iPhones, new arctic cats and changes to mini Me aside, we predict that Apple is poised to take over yet another major market: the pastry industry. Yes, the main “one other thing” presentation point will be: the Pie1.
“Steve has been working really hard on this,” says Phil Shiller. “He’s been up all night for weeks, getting the crust just right, working on the recipe for the filling, even testing various new frozen delights for Pie a la mode. It’s called iCream now, by the way.”
Reports from the Apple campus report that beta versions of the Pie were “scrumptious, but not yet insanely scrumptious” and that Steve has been worried about getting it ready on time for WWDC, fearing that pushing back such a major announcement would hurt their stock value by as much as .001 points.
We believe that–at this time–there will not be an SDK for the Pie, and that consumers will have to enjoy only the apples that Apple sees fit to put in the pie. At this release, the Pie will come in three varieties: Bramley, Granny Smith, and, surprisingly, Jonagold.
We have yet to verify rumors that Microsoft is working on a wireless “Zune Pie”.
