Crazy Apple News Site

Sure, everyone’s seen the grainy picture of the what is supposed to be the new iPod Nano, but nobody seems to ask “why is that picture so grainy?”

Until Now.

We asked.  We dug. We searched. We combed the beaches, we combed our hair, we went to distant corners of our house and the Internet and came back with the truth.

The reason that picture is so grainy is because it isn’t a new iPod Nano. Come on. Who wants a new Nano? Nobody. That’s nothing new. That’s not what we should expect from the company that tells us to “Think Different.” That’s like Microsoft announcing Windows 95: The Revenge Of The DOS Shells.

That picture, my friends, is a picture of the new iPod Giga. The. Largest. iPod. Ever.

The new iPod Giga with a scale picture of Steve Jobs next to it.

As you can see in this picture, the iPod Giga is only photographable from the air, and that’s why it looks all grainy. For contrast, we superimposed a scale image of Steve Jobs next to the Giga.

“With the Giga, entire cities can experience their music in a whole new way,” says a source who requested anonymity, regardless of how hard that word is to spell. “1200 Petabytes of storage. A full-size IMAX screen. over 500 headphone jacks. A click wheel the size of a Buick. With the arrival of the Giga, no one can call iPods anti-social ever again.”

“Steve is pretty excited about the Giga project,” said another unnamed, but highly placed inside source. “The body is made from the same stuff they use to build space shuttles, and the screen–Oh, the screen!– it’s built by the IMAX people, has like, 40 gazillion pixels, and looks so good you would want to kiss each one. On the lips. I mean, I do. Want to, I mean; Steve won’t let me kiss them.  Or him.”

Neither source would give an exact cost, but both said it would be “attractively priced, if the whole city chips in”.

In keeping with the current trend in the Apple blogging community, I present the CANS predictions for WWDC: What Would Doogie Create.  

Rumors of iPhones, new arctic cats and changes to mini Me aside, we predict that Apple is poised to take over yet another major market: the pastry industry.  Yes, the main “one other thing” presentation point will be: the Pie¹.

“Steve has been working really hard on this,” says Phil Shiller. “He’s been up all night for weeks, getting the crust just right, working on the recipe for the filling, even testing various new frozen delights for Pie a la mode.  It’s called iCream now, by the way.”

Reports from the Apple campus report that beta versions of the Pie were “scrumptious, but not yet insanely scrumptious” and that Steve has been worried about getting it ready on time for WWDC, fearing that pushing back such a major announcement would hurt their stock value by as much as .001 points.

We believe that–at this time–there will not be an SDK for the Pie, and that consumers will have to enjoy only the apples that Apple sees fit to put in the pie.  At this release, the Pie will come in three varieties: Bramley, Granny Smith, and, surprisingly, Jonagold.

We have yet to verify rumors that Microsoft is working on a wireless “Zune Pie”.

1. Note to Windows users: on a Mac, those question marks are Apple icons.  Sorry your fonts suck like that. [↩]