Crazy Apple News Site

We’re not really ready to post a full on iFAQ about the Mac App Store, because we haven’t upgraded to 10.6.6 yet. So we’re going to ask pointed questions in an effort to stir up pointless controversy. Mostly because it sounds like fun.

• Is it true that the App Store will be giving a percentage of every purchase to the DEVIL?
• What if I want to offer a free trial version of my app?
  • What do you mean that iOS developers already do that just fine?
• Does the app store represent the end of the free market?
• Will all my base belong to Apple?
  • Is it too early to hop on the retro “All your base” wagon?
• What happens if Apple discovers they secretly hate an App after they said they liked it? Will it disappear off my mac?
• Is there anything in the app store, either by intent or by accident, that will make it easier for John Mayer to invade my computer?
  • Norah Jones is fine.
• Fun bonus question: Come up with the best name for Microsoft’s copycat App store that will probably be announced either at CES or later this year!
  • Our guess: Windows Live Program Marketplace 8.

That’s all we have for today. Expect a really nice iFAQ tomorrow after we’ve had some time to play with the dang thing. Well, actually don’t. Whenever we promise a post bad things happen to it before we actually get it posted. So seek to manage your expectations accordingly. We’ll keep you posted.

We here at CANS have been thinking long and hard about the whole Apple-Java thing. And, if you ask us, it’s kinda silly that we’re talking about ourselves in the plural. But we have no intention of stopping now. If we have learned anything from our time blogging we’ve learned that there’s no bad idea that can’t be made worse by sticking to it long after it stopped being useful or funny. This was hard-won knowledge, and we choose to ignore it, as is our constitutional right.

And speaking of rights, it isn’t wrong or right of Apple to stop writing their own JVM, it’s just life. Which as we all know, is like a box of chocolates and a bowl of cherries. In either case, you want to know well ahead of time if someone put Java into it. So when you take the Java out of the Apple, it’s up to someone else to put it back in. And looking into my crystal ball I see that Oracle is the one who should be tapped to do just that.

Apple tends to not tell people why they’re doing what they’re doing. Cutting flash from all new macs? We know why they’re doing that. It’s old news, which is an oxymoron if ever I’ve heard one. Cutting Java from Lion? Apple hasn’t told us why they’re doing that, so we all want to think it’s for the same reason, an assumption that just isn’t reasonable. The Apple JVM has been a problem for years now. It’s perpetually behind the curve, supporting only a subset of the actual Java specification. So now Oracle gets to make it be all that it can be. We don’t know why Oracle is going to enroll the Apple JVM into the army, but we know that it will emerge from its military service stronger, prouder, and likely with a tattoo or two. The message here is that when Steve Jobs says he’s going to stop doing something that’s the time for Larry Ellison to start doing it. There’s a deeper truth in there somewhere.

Which leads us to the impact of a complete disappearance of Java from Mac OSX: Apple people won’t be able to play minecraft. Frankly this is the most disturbing part of the whole thing, which tells you exactly how not-disturbing this situation actually is. I mean, if Apple were dropping support for, say, Objective-C we’d have problems. But dropping support for Java, which is rapidly skating down a frozen road of good intentions into the obscurity of being a teaching-only language? Not that big a deal. Remember when Microsoft made their own JVM? Remember the day they stopped? Yeah, me neither. The transition happened and it didn’t really hurt all that bad. Look for a similar lack of pain here.

Which leads to our final thought: Man up, Apple press. I realize that you’re trying to make a living off of pretty scant amounts of information. There just aren’t a lot of new desktop releases these days and people are less interested in computer specs than they are in blatant spectacle. Cope. If you don’t have anything interesting to say than don’t say things. Or learn to say different things. Maybe write about Linux for a while, I don’t know. You could probably work up a pretty good article arguing that if Apple’s going to turn the actual Mac into a walled garden like the iPhone then maybe it’s time to actually look at Linux on the desktop. You’d be dead wrong of course, and I’d mock you for bringing it up. But at least it would be something new. Or a at least something old that you haven’t written about recently. Which is just as good in these seriously short-attention span days.

And speaking of attention spans, I’m taking part in NaNoWriMo for the third year in a row, so starting November 1st posts are likely to be less than frequent and less coherent than usual, as I’ll be pounding my way through yet another novel destined to never see the light of day. If you’re interested in reading a very rough and unedited draft of last years novel you can check it out here.

That said, I won’t be letting myself completely off the hook this year like I did the last two times. I’ll still drop in from time to time, because I just like you guys too much. Expect a pre-Halloween iFAQ tomorrow¹ and then, well, just keep watching the skies. I don’t really know why, they probably aren’t going to be doing anything interesting. But hey, at the very least you’ll probably learn something about meteorology.

1. I don’t know why I say things like that. Promising a post always seems to doom that post, somehow [↩]

Macworld’s Coverage of Apple’s tragic shift away from printers has led us to do similar research into other products Apple will never make again. Warning! This article may prove painful for people with strong, irrational personal connections to some of these products.

The Newton

Yes, it’s sad, but the Newton has gone, and will not return. Yes, there are people who say that the iPod Touch is the Newton for the 21st century, but those people are mentally ill and you should stop talking to them. That’s like saying that a MacBook Pro is the Babbage Analytical Engine for the 21st century. They are vaguely similar, but not similar enough for me to not want to hit you repeatedly for saying it. Apple stopped making the Newton because it was a stupid product and you should be ashamed for bringing it up in polite company. It’s like telling the story of how your dog got hit by a car in the middle of a business dinner with clients from many nations. Why was your dog even at a business dinner with clients from many nations? And how did the car get in the restaurant? Why haven’t you told me this story yet? It sounds fascinating.

HyperCard

HyperCard is also dead. No, Revolution is not the new Hypercard, Revoution is a bunch of Irish people trying to make money by selling an increasingly bloated scripting environment.  No, AppleScript is not revolution, AppleScript is more like Perl done strange.  You are a sad, strange person for still wanting your OS7-style scripted PowerPoint, and you need to get out into the fresh air a little bit more.  I should also get out into the fresh air a little more, but it’s like 4 degrees outside right now, and better you than me in that kind of weather.

Snood

Okay, I admit, you can still buy snood, but I really don’t know why you would. Is there some kind of strange mind-control subliminal messaging in that game? Why do people still play it? It’s kinda ugly and not really all that much fun. So, it should be dead, even if it isn’t.

Well, I admit that this wasn’t the most useful post on earth, and definitely didn’t make me any new friends.  But I also contend that it was at least as topical and sensible as Macworld’s three part series on printers that haven’t been made for a decade or more.  Have a nice day.

The following is a translation¹ of a comment that was in my spam queue:

It compliments for idea of the site. Also we are lovers of the trekking. Why we don’t organize an encounter of gotten passionate for of the excursions together? Even not more than 6-8 in all? A salute.

I think it works out to a compliment. Or an invitation to a crazy fling in Italy² with, er, 6-8 trekkies. Either way, It’s at least kinda complimentary. And kinda creepy.

1. courtesy of the nearly-useless Translation Widget. Dashboard: occasionally slightly easier than using the Web. [↩]
2. the comment was originally in Italian. [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.
This week: Stacks, Apple’s easy way to make a pile of stuff on the dock look…well, a lot like a pile of stuff on the dock.

Q: Help! Help! Helphelphelp! Help! Help1 Hlephelf help!

A: Sir, or possibly madam, calm down! You’re starting to type like a 9-year-old!

Q: AAAAAAAAAAaauuuugghh!

A: Now you’re a comic strip person.  What do you need?

Q: I [pant pant] need [pant] Steve!

A: I’m sorry?

Q: Steve Jobs! At Macworld! He’s not!

A: Ah. I see. And you-

Q: It’s a conspiracy, you know!

A: A consp…

Q: It’s a conspiracy between Apple and the Terrorist Hedgehogs to stop the Mac goodness from staying pure and unsullied!

A: The Terrorist Hedgehogs?¹

Q: Don’t play dumb.  You know all about the nefarious underground resistance fighters.

A: Are you just spouting random lines from B Sci-fi movies?

Q: And now they’ve undermined-

A: Good metaphor!

Q: -Macworld Expo and we have nothing left to live for! You know you were all excited about the “One More Thing” that was bound to happen this year!  Now what do we have to look forward to?

A: Actually I quite like Phil Schiller…

Q: PHIL FREAKIN’ SCHILLER! We all know what he’s going to talk about. Stupid iPod games.  Again.

A: That does seem likely…

Q: What about Snow Leopard? What about a new version of Time Machine? What about an iMac refresh?  You think Schiller’s gonna talk about these things?

A: There doesn’t seem to be any real reason for me to respond to you…

Q: What about revamping the dashboard into something useful?² What about a brand new 64GB iPod Touch with a black bezel? What about a black mock turtleneck?

A: Hey now, we don’t speak in bold italics on this blog; tone that language down my friend.

Q: Now all of this has been defeated by those libertarian pro-llama red-wing defeatist pinbacks!

A: We also don’t allow, er, species-ist slurs on our blog.  I may have to ask you to leave.

Q: You would, you hedge-lover!

A: …

Q: It’s hard to find a good insult for someone who likes hedgehogs, alright?

A: I can see that.

Q: I mean, they’ve pretty much taken all the fun out of it at that point.

A: Yes.  Well, hopefully-

Q: Much like the Terrorist Hedgehogs have taken all the fun out of Macworld Expo!

A: Okay, I warned you about this already, you’re outta here, my friend.  Androids, if you please?

Q: You can’t silence the truth! I may be dragged kicking and screaming out of this iFAQ, but the truth will prevail! The hedgehogs are organized, and if we don’t act, we won’t have macs! You hedgehogs sympathizers must be stopped!

1. Would be a good name for a band.  Someone let Dave Barry know. [↩]
2. Hint: this is not possible. -ed. [↩]

Editor’s Note: The following is a transcript of the Ruby Ninja Adroids’ attempt to get a coherent iFAQ out of our staff after two 15-hour work days in a row.

RNA: Okay! It’s time for the iFAQ! Wakey-wakey!

N: ZZZzzzzzzzzZZZZzzzzzzzzz…

RNA: C’mon! Up and attem!  Let’s just answer some questions now! we’ll even ask easy ones, like, “who’s cooler, Ballmer or Schilller?”

N: Snrk. Gslerm. zzzzzzzzzzzwrtlZZZZzzzzzz.

RNA: this isn’t working.

RNA 2: better break out the big guns.

RNA: you don’t mean…

RNA 2: I’m afraid so.

N: zzzzzz. Snt. Mmhmm. Hamsters! Evil French Hamsters are ruining my economy of scale! Don’t let them escape… club… zzzzzz.

RNA: Well, alright. We’ve gotta get a few sentences out of him at least. (clears throat) Yo! Rapmaster General! Vanilla Ice just called you a poser!

N: What! That foo don’ know who he’s messin’ wit’! He best jus’ step off before… Where am I?

RNA: iFAQ time!

N: Wha? oh, oh, the thing, with the words. Right, right. okay. Ask away.

RNA 2: He’s already nodding. Make it quick.

Q: Okay, question number one: how will the new glass trackpads affect corporate purchases of the MacBook?

A: Just don’t stick your tongue on the metal case in the winter! Hee hee hee.

Q: I’m worried that the new MacBooks will fail more often because they’re bricked at the factory. What can I do to make sure I get a good one?

A: We recommend shaking it several times before purchasing it. If you hear rattling noises, it’s probably already defective. Stare hard at the Apple store employee and ask, “what do you think you’re trying to pull here? That may have worked on some switcher, but I’m a fully registered user of Mellel, so I know my macs! Macs don’t rattle!” then fold your arms across your chest and tap your foot as if waiting for a reply. When the befuddled nineteen year old asks what Mellel is, demand to see his manager. If he (or she) is the manager, demand some pudding, then storm out in a rage before they can ask any more questions.

Q: How will that help?

A: I’m sorry. I forgot what the question was. Did you want some pudding? Because the Apple store isn’t the place to get it, lemme tell ya. They make terrible pudding.

Q: Umm. Moving on: do you feel that the new glass screens will improve the durability of the new MacBook line?

A: if they said “rigid” one more time in that “town hall” meeting, I swear I was gonna scream. Tell you what, next year they should be forced to release ridged laptops, like Wavy Lays. Just so they have to say “ridged, not rigid” over and over again.

Q: Okay! well, I think that’s all my questions! Thanks for your time!

A: Any time! any…time, at…mall……..rats…….terrible film! terrible…zzzzzzz

Firefox 3, the latest version of Mozilla’s legendary open source browser, is the first of the ‘Fox dynasty to make peace with OSX.

For years Firefox on the Mac has been ugly, ugly like a duck covered in oil and thrown off the back of a truck into a pile of herring innards that have been sitting by the side of the road from the toxic-waste-spewing EEA violators.  But now, all is sweetness and light.   Firefox has beautiful cocoa widgets and a new theme that looks so Leopard-y that Safari is kinda jealous.

Safari, meanwhile, is promising that good things are coming “real soon now™ ”, while the ‘Fox is running around the world like a marathon runner with a jet pack.  No, two jet packs, a transporter, and, like, a freakin’ laser cannon.  Rumors of the download site being down all morning on the big day are completely untrue and were made up by Hillary Clinton to ruin Firefox’s reputation.  Firefox is awesome.

Out-positive that, Walt Mossberg.