Crazy Apple News Site

So, while I was chatting with Steve Jobs on the phone after the “Let’s Rock” event he received a call from John Mayer. I don’t know if he meant to put it on three-way calling, or if he just meant to put me on hold, but this is a transcript of the call:

Phone rings

Jobs: Oh crap.  I gotta take this, Moltz. Hold on.

Dickson: Er, Dickson, actually. But Moltz is fine.

Mayer: Hey Steve.

J: Hi John.

M: I saw the keynote today.

J: Good, good.

M: You played “Gravity” as a “Genius” example. That was pretty cool.

J: Glad you liked that.

M: And some of my other songs came up as well.

J: Yep.

M: But I was surprised, there at the end, when that Hawaiian guy got up on stage.

J: Jack Johnson is a very talented artist, and…

M: I had my guitar there with me, Steve.  I was already to go.  What happened?

J: Look, John, I know this might be hard for you, but we’ve moved on.

M: Moved on? You can’t leave me, Steve! You need me! Apple needs me!

J: John, don’t make this harder than it already is. Bono didn’t get all whiny like this when we stopped making the U2 special edition iPod.

M: What about that one keynote? And that other keynote? I rocked the house!

J: You performed adequately, yes, but…

M: I mean, I can understand bringing in Randy Newman from time to time. You basically own his soul, right?

J: Well, Pixar did, which means Disney does, so basically yes, but…

M: So he’s okay; he’s fine. But Jack Johnson? Some wimpy hyper-mellow…

D: Maybe I should just go…

J: Quiet, Moltz.

D: Dickson. But Moltz is fine!

J: Whatever. Listen, John, your time has passed. You’ll still show up in cover flows or as a “favorite song” in a playlist here or there but your star has set.

M: What’s that Johnson got that I don’t got?

J: Grammar, for one.  Also, he’s personable, John. He tells jokes. He connects with the audience.

M: I can tell jokes! I can connect!

J: You look like a stuffed iguana trying to sing, John. Let’s face it. You were hot for a while because of that real world song, and that wonderland song, but…(tinny snippet of “Upside Down” starts playing) Look, John, it’s over. Goodbye. And Moltz, I told you stop calling me. (click)

D: Dickson… Oh who cares. (to self) I could never be as good as John Moltz…

M: (to self) I could never be as good as Jack Johnson…

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and
answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy
Apple products.

This week ends our tour of iLife with the black sheep of the family, the one who didn’t have the common decency to take the family prefix.  That’s right, I’m looking at you, GarageBand.

Q: How do I make myself sound awesome in GB?

A: In Great Britian?  I dunno, try saying something like, “Today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you.”

Q: Cute.

A: Thanks!

Q: You know what I mean.

A: Alright, look, what kind of music are you trying to play?

Q: Oh, I’m thinking something that sounds like the Talking Heads meet They Might Be Giants.

A: Okay, then you’re in with a chance.  I’ll level with you: GarageBand is good for two things: Making podcasts and techno-sounding music.

Q: There’s one problem, though. I don’t know how to play any instruments.

A: Well, there’s a way around that as well.  You see, in GarageBand, your credit card is the most versatile musical instrument there is!

Q: Ummm…

A: All you have to do is march your backside down to the nearest Apple store and buy every Jam Pack there is! Then you have millions of pre-recorded loops that you can mash together and pretend you have talent.  It’s just like being a member of *NSYNC, but without the dancing!

Q: So, GarageBand will help me spend money?

A: Sure!  Oh, you could use one of the “Magic GarageBand” settings and just let your lack of talent shine in the midst of Apple’s pre-recorded talent on the other four tracks, but why force Apple’s robots to help you play terrible music when you can do that just fine on your own?

Q: Hey, pal, I play great alterna-techno-reggae…

A: I mean, terrible music should be something you do on your own, in private, and never share, lest the others all gather around and mock you.

Q: Here we go again…

A: Their disdain evident on their faces, and in every gesture.  Sure, they say they like you, but in reality they’re just looking for a new chance, a fresh opportunity to cut you down, man, and you can’t…

Q: SLAP!

A: … Thanks.

Q: One more question?

A: Sure.

Q: What should I call my band?

A: They Might be Talking Giant Heads.

Q: Awesome.