Crazy Apple News Site

This Friday we return from our month-long retreat to Camp NaNoWriMo to answer some inFrequently Answered Questions, like we used to. Like a family.

Today on a very special episode of Friday iFAQ we tackle a sensitive subject: Windows 7 and Boot Camp.

Warning: some content may not be suitable for rabid Apple fans. Reader discretion is advised. ¹

Q: So I have a question about Windows 7. Why does it suck so bad compared to OSX? Looks like MUCKrosoft has three more versions to go before they get it right, eh? Eh? Am I right?

A: It certainly is a Microsoft product, yes.

Q: And what’s with the Microsoft counting system? 95, 98, Me, XP, Vista, 7? What’s that all about? I tell ya, their marketing department is almost as bad as their dev team! Awww yeah, they felt that one! ZING! Eh? Eh? Amiright? Awww yeah.

A: They have certainly had some difficulty finding and adhering to a naming system, heheh.

Q: Say, what’s the matter? We’re talking about Windows here. Why are you just sitting there? Where’s the fire, the pizazz? What’s wrong?

A: Oh it’s nothing. It’s fine. Say, that Steve Ballmer, what’s that all about?

Q: Yeah, look that’s great, but we can bash on Ballmer any time. But now it’s time to rip the new Windows a new one! Come on, let loose!

A: Okay, okay, here goes: ahem. No, not that. Okay, one more shot. Here goes: Wow, Windows still doesn’t have a built-in email client capable of connecting to Exchange Servers? What’s up with that?

Q: … I’m disappointed, I really am. I expected so much more from you. What are the children going to think, if they see you like this? It’s sad, so sad.

A: Look, it’s not a big deal. Macs still totally rock.

Q: So what is it then? I mean it’s not like you’ve started liking…. oh, oh no no no. That’s it, isn’t it? You, you don’t LIKE Windows 7, do you?

A: Look, it’s not a big deal–

Q: Bu- Wha- Why? How? How did this happen? What does this mean for us? For the site?

A: Look, I had to work with Windows 7 on a few projects in my grad school class this semester, and we just kinda, got along.

Q: Got along? With Windows? Why? What did OSX do wrong?

A: Nothing! OSX is still the number one OS in my life, and nothing will change that.

Q: Do the devices know?

A: Um, yeah. I’ve been dual-booting my MacBook Pro–

Q: Oh that’s just wrong–

A: And the iMac has been running Windows as well.

Q: And the iPod Touch? Have you dragged little Touch into your sick new world?

A: What? No! The Touch still syncs with my home iMac.

Q: Well, it’s good to see you’ve retained some sense of propriety.  But, still, saying that you like Windows 7? That’s just wrong. It’s like the world has just pulled out from under my feet… I gotta sit down.
[Sits down]
Well, anyway, the semester is over, so you can un-partition your drives and we can put this whole thing behind us, right?

A: Well…

Q: Oh, I do not like the sound of that…

A: It’s just that, well, I’ve only just started grad school, and there’s a lot of classes ahead of me that will be using Windows, so I’ll need to keep dual booting for a while…

Q: And that’s it? You’re just going over to 7 just like that? How did Windows get you under its spell? What is it about Windows that you like? Is it that new interface? It is, isn’t it? Prancing around all tarted up like some cheap French–

A: Now, you know OSX’s interface has always been enough for me! OSX is sleek, and stylish, Like Audrey Hepburn.

Q: And Windows 7 is painted and dolled up like Paris Hilton. Real operating systems are secure enough in themselves to not need all those alpha effects and glowing start buttons. But if what you are saying is true, and it’s not the slapped-on-with-a-trowel interface special effects, what is it? How did Windows steal your heart?

A: I told you, I’m still loyal to OSX. But, well, I’ll be working a lot with Windows in school and in my new job, so I want you to try to be nice and get along.

Q: Oh, so it’s a new job too, now? What about a new computer or two to go with your fancy new schooling and employment? Maybe a few Dells around the place–

A: Stop that!

Q: Perhaps an HP or two in the den, one for work, one for play, right?

A: Knock it off! There won’t be any Dells or HPs coming into the house. This is an all-Apple house and it’s going to stay that way. All I said is that Windows 7 isn’t that terrible. Sometimes a programmer needs to write some C#, and when that need arises Windows is there for me. And it’s important to me that you can accept that. MacBook Pro has accepted it, and so has iMac. What about you, Q? Can you accept that sometimes I’ll have to spend some time with Windows? Just for work purposes?

Q: Just for work? Promise?

A: I promise.

Q: Well… I guess I can accept that. But I don’t have to like it.

A: Deal.

[Cut to a interior shot of a kitchen. A celebrity² who needs to work off some community service time is seated at the table]

Parents, talk to your kids about dual booting before someone else does. Let them know the risks involved, and help them understand that healthy dual booting is done in moderation. Boot Camp doesn’t have to ruin your life. And remember, whenever you boot into Windows, use up-to-date anti-virus software. Thank you.

1. that’s two posts in a row with disclaimers. I don’t know. Maybe it’s me. [↩]
2. I'm thinking Jerry Seinfeld, as punishment for those terrible Vista commercials [↩]

When we learned that Microsoft had created a line of “retro” t-shirts, we had some difficult questions to answer.

The first of which was not, “do we make fun of Microsoft for this odd new advertising medium/revenue stream?” Of course we’re going to make fun of them for it.  That’s a given.  No, the question is “how are we going to make fun of Microsoft for this odd new advertising medium/revenue stream?”

I mean, we could take the obvious route: “These t-shirts crash 30% less than Windows Vista! Just like DOS!”

Or the closely related: “And unlike DOS, these shirts are guaranteed to be bug-free!”

Or even: “These shirts are guaranteed to {expletive deleted} destroy Google!”

And we decided to step around the whole “Softwear by Microsoft: celebrating the last time we made an OS that worked the way it was supposed to,” territory.

None of these are the route we decided to take.  No, we have a much higher, more subtle method of mocking the largest, most influential, most myopic software company in the world in mind.

Stay tuned to this RSS feed to see what we did come up with!

And no, we aren’t going to Photoshop Steve Ballmer’s head onto the body of some twenty-year-old model who is wearing one of these shirts.  So just get that image out of your head right now.

Apple has admitted that millions upon millions of viruses are targeted at the Mac operating system, and that every Mac, from the humblest Mini to the greatest Mac Pro to the lightest MacBook Air will soon be a drooling mass of spambots and DDoS attacker clones.

Well, actually they encouraged “the widespread use of multiple antivirus utilities so that virus programmers have more than one application to circumvent, thus making the whole virus writing process more difficult.”

But this minor distinction should not stop us from engaging in large-scale, wholesale panic.  It’s the end of an era, people, and viruses or not, we are going to start getting snobby comments from long-standing (long-suffering?) Windows users.  Again. And more this time.

“Yeah, how do you like that, hippies?” said Rob Enderle, apparently channeling the spirit of Richard Nixon.  “The shoe’s on the other foot now, isn’t it?  Your precious Steve Jobs didn’t save you from the virii in the world, because he can’t!  We’ll get you yet!  You won’t have Rob Enderle to kick around any more!”¹ While syntactically null, this statement goes to further demonstrate the inherent instability of a personality that would deliberately use the word “virii”.

Enderle to one side, now it’s time to start doing pathological system checks, study each and every file in your “Systems” folder, and send emails frothing with exclamation points warning users not to click on icons that look like teddy bears.  Just like the old days, when we used Windows 98.  Remember those days?  Weren’t they great?

Now, I know there are naysayers out there that claim that, with a negligible number of actual live exploits and a better-than-average schedule of system updates and security patches, coupled with a solid Unix foundation, the Mac is not exactly the virus hotel that Windows has become.  But this is just the kind of self-satisfied hubris that is likely to bring the Mac community crashing to the ground in a matter of days as the Mac Apocalypse strikes.  On December 7.  At 7:07 PM.   Which it will do without warning.

Thus far, the news of the Mac Apocalypse has not been widely heeded, and despite Apple’s empassioned pleas for all users to try and thwart this wave of nightmarish evil with the sacrifice of just a few thousand clock cycles per second,² most people say that they “wouldn’t install an anti-virus program on their Mac even if it also played Snood and any two Pangea games of your choice.” ³ Well fine.  That’s your choice.  Just don’t come cryin’ to us when you get p0wned by some 13-year-old Somali computer pirate.  Because we won’t be able to read your emails.  We’re not installing AV software either.

1. This rant funded by the Symantec Corporation [↩]
2. their exact words are, “Here are some available antivirus utilities:” [↩]
3. What is this obsession with Snood, anyway?  It’s really not a very good game at all.  But every Mac user I know who got on the Mac train before Tiger seems to play it. [↩]

Every Friday¹ we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we’re as excited as you are to know that WebKit is the first browser to pass the Acid3 test. Let’s talk about that, shall we?

Q: What is Acid3?

A: It’s a comprehensive test of a browser’s ability to render (X)HTML² , CSS, and JavaScript according to the official standards set out by the W3C.

Q: That’s a lot of letters that don’t mean anything.

A: The better you do on the Acid3 test, the more Sir Tim Berners-Lee likes your browser.

Q: So what does this mean for the Mac?

A: Nothing.

Q: The PC?

A: Nothing.

Q: The iPhone? The G1?

A: Nothing and really nothing, respectively. Look, all that happened is that the latest experimental version of Safari’s rendering engine has done better than anyone else so far at meeting standards compliance. This version of WebKit isn’t shipping with any current browser, and probably won’t for at least 6 months.  But the big problem is getting sites to be standards compliant.

Q: Why is that?

A: Because web designers write code that works on Internet Explorer, which has an Acid3 score of 21 out of 100.

Q: So what can I, a concerned Netizen, do to combat this menace?

A: 1.) never, in print or in person, say “Netizen” again. 2.) Run up to your congressman, representitive, tribal leader, king, president, or suprieme overlord and say, “I FAVOR OPEN WEB STANDARDS” at the top of your lungs, then see how far away you can get before their bodyguards take you down.

Q: And that will help, will it?

A: No, but it’d be funny.

Q: I’m an American living in the Netherlands; how do I say that it Dutch?

A: Ik keur heb gebonden niet de norm van World Wide Web goed

Q:”I like not has bound the stand of World Wide Web good?”

A: It’s not a perfect translation.

Q: One of us hasn’t been getting enough sleep lately.

A: Zzzzzzzzz…

1. more or less. Around Friday [↩]
2. the X is given “Separate but equal” housing [↩]

Microsoft has launched the first wave of their $300 million+ advertising campaign set to counter the “I’m a Mac, I’m a PC” ads in an unlikely form.

“How’s that game playing going, Mac freaks?” asks Steve Ballmer in a form letter sent to every “@apple.com” email address. “Oh, and Squeak? Your Open Source software sucks! I mean, check out Paint.Net! That’s some Open Source software worth using, lemme tell ya!”

Needless to say, this quixotic, Tokyo Rose style spam attack was devastating to the morale of Apple employees. “Ooooh, Stevie, them’s fightin’ words,” said Jonathan Ive, SVP of Industrial Design at Apple. “I mean, picking on our open source development? Wow, that’s hitting us where it hurts, pal. What’s next, a criticism of our favorite brand of floor wax? Please, not that!”

Peter Oppenheimer asked, “How much of your $300 million did you spend on writing this email?” Reports that Steve Jobs had to physically restrain John Gruber and Steve Wozniack¹ from “hopping on their Segways and giving Ballmer a piece of their mind” are as yet unverified.

Steve Jobs’ response was typically refined. In an email response he writes: “Wow, Ballmer. That’s quite some attack, and it hurts. It hurts almost as much as our 30% profit increase this quarter. I guess the “wow” really does “start now”, only a year after you launched Vista. Wow, indeed.”

For once, it was Microsoft who had no comment, except to remind us that they could “(expletive deleted) crush” the Crazy Apple News Site, which is entirely true.

In an unrelated side note, we here at CANS have just uninstalled Vista from Boot Camp on our iMac and installed XP instead.  It is surprisingly more stable.

1. neither of whom work at Apple but both of whom have @apple.com email addresses due to tremendous whining [↩]

As an apology for not posting the Friday iFAQ on Friday, I present to you: Vista Bullying

In a widely reported move,¹ Microsoft has announced that the “Vista Bullying stops here”.  And we here at CANS think it’s about time, too.  I mean, look at poor little Microsoft, barely making enough money to keep every single human being on earth fed, and along come big ol’ Apple, throwing its weight around, making Vista feel bad. Be nice to Microsoft! They’re doing their best, folks!  They don’t have all that many programmers in Redmond, and making an operating system is hard! Why does Apple have to be so mean, anyway?  All Vista wants to do is take over the world and make everyone have to buy OneCare to patch all the security holes left in the original operating system.  Is that so bad?

But as much fun as it is to paint Microsoft as a spoiled, whiny little nine year old getting pushed around by a much cooler five year old, It’s even more fun to look at some of the comments they actually made in the announcement:

Yes, the changes did cause a lot of pain.

What’s funny is that the full stop did go there.  (In the interest of fair reporting² I should mention that the next line was “But the customers are starting to see benefits.”) Microsoft acknowledges that using Vista causes pain, and that it’s only a year later that “customers are starting to see benefits.”   I…I just don’t have anything to say to that, but I will mention that when I took a class that required me to write software in Visual Studio, I got a “are you sure you want to run this program?” warning every time I started Visual Studio, itself a Microsoft product.  My guess is that Microsoft wanted to let me know that if I run VS, I could write a virus, which would then infect my machine and destroy all my data.

And then there’s this comment:

Brooks noted that the same architectural changes that caused hardships in Vista are carrying over to Windows 7…

What they mean to say is that the hardships are over, because all the changes were made in Vista, so Windows 7 should be a breeze.  What it sounds like is “All the hardships in Vista are carrying over to Windows 7″, which is way funnier.

One more:

You thought the sleeping giant was still sleeping. We’ve woken up and it’s time to take this message forward. This is the true story of Vista…

Ahh, pure marketing speak.  Take one metaphor, muddle it up with some other vaguely fairy-tale sounding phrases, and then “take your message forward”.  The great thing about this sentence is that it doesn’t actually mean anything! Asimov would have called it “syntactically null”.  But it sounds like big news.

Now, I have to say that the “I’m a Mac, I’m a PC” ads are getting on my nerves.  So if those went away, I’d be happy. But all this whining about “people is bein’ mean to us fer no reason” is pretty silly, and isn’t going to get Microsoft any credibility in the market, especially while they’re running their own smear campaigns against Linux.

Well, this didn’t end up being as funny as I’d hoped, but one of the first rules of comedy is that it isn’t funny to make fun of something that’s already a joke.

1. that last one is the funniest [↩]
2. I do that sometimes [↩]