The Magic of the iPad
Apple again made news today as they responded to many jibes over calling the iPad a “magical” device.
“The iPad has been described as magical, and we have taken a lot of heat over that,” said Scott Forstall, SVP of iPhone Software. “Especially from the State of Oregon. We’re here to defend that claim.
“But first, what is the deal with Oregon? I mean, really.
“Anyway, returning to my point, the iPad does contain actual magic. You see, each Apple A4 chip contains not only next generation processing power, but also a very tiny piece of an actual palantír.”
Forstall waited for people to either be awed or sneak out their iPhones to look the word up in Wikipedia, then be awed. He then continued, “Steve and Oppenheimer found three palantíri after correctly identifying the locations of the Shire, Gondor, and Minas Ithil, then triangulating the location of the burial mound of Aragorn son of Arathorn. However, it wasn’t until we had a true Son of Westernesse on the staff that we were able to tackle the task of wresting the stones to our will.
“It’s Jony Ive, by the way. I guess the Men of the West got a bit shorter over the years.”
The palantíri have long been regarded as the ultimate communication devices, able to communicate instantly across great distances without electricity or any other known human technology. Apple’s inclusion of the Noldor artifacts represents the first successful blend of ancient and modern philosophies, and even crosses the line between reality and fantasy. Also, how else were they going to get a 10-hour battery life out of a battery that’s a little thicker than three pieces of paper?
But this amazing blend does still have a few glitches. “Some of the iPads have had a tendency to show an image of two hands withering in flame, or a fire-rimmed Eye still searching across the fathoms of time,” Forestall admitted. “But we have found that a simple ‘hard-reset’, performed by holding the home button and the power button simultaneously for five seconds will clear that up.”
Forstall then turned to the large screen behind him, where a video detailing the process of turning the Seer-stones of Gondor into 802.11x wireless devices was played.
“The palantíri represent the pinnacle of communication magic from the days when the Elves still lived in the Ultimate West,” said Jony Ive in the video. “But you will create the real magic as you use the iPad to touch the lives of those you care about…from anywhere.”
Rumors that the “S” in “iPhone 3GS” actually stands for “silmaril” are as yet unconfirmed.
