The Other Apple Keynote
Many people were disappointed with the “startling” new revelations made at Macworld Expo yesterday, feeling that Phil Schiller, in addition to being forced to try to be Steve and forced to shut down Apple’s presence at Macworld, was also given a list of sub-par product announcements with which to do so, and that Apple shouldn’t be letting things slide like this.
But these people missed what was really going on.
It should have been obvious: MacHeist 3 started the same day that Macworld Keynotes effectively ended. This in itself was the first clue. If you then took every third word that Phil said during the first ten minutes of the keynote1, then took the third letter of each of those words, you got the name of a website where you could download a program that would allow you to view the world in blue by using the iSight Camera in your laptop. Using this blue filter you could print out a copy of the text on the third forum page of comments on the Apple support site about replacing laptop batteries (see where this is going?) which would give you a link to a site that is disguised as a blog of a third grade teacher who comments that she isn’t aware of any new developments in school paste flavorings, but that she would be open to suggestions…
Look, it’s all very convoluted and MacHeisty. The point is, at the end of the trail you download an encrypted DMG file, and using the password “newBalance” you get a QuickTime movie of Steve Jobs in all his Mock Turtlenecked glory, standing on a stage in front of an empty Moscone West auditorium.
“MacHeisters, Welcome,” Steve begins, looking–for once–directly at the camera. “I know that you are wondering why I’m doing this, and why I pretty much hung Phil out to dry at the Macworld Keynote. You would no doubt like to know why I’m working with MacHeist to announce new products, instead of using more traditional channels.
“The reason for this is the rumor sites. They’ve been a little too sure of themselves for a little too long. Sure, most of them missed the new iLife thing, but let’s face it, that was small potatoes. As you watch this there’s a bunch of rumors site editors on the show floor at MacWorld, trying to act excited about yet another stupid-big MacBook Pro and some updates to iLife and iWork. Soon they’ll be heading back to their hotels, wondering how many double martinis they can charge to their expense accounts while pretending to be Tony Bennett. So they’re out of the way. Now I can tell you what Apple is really up to.”
Steve then clears his throat a little, and continues. “One: new minis: yes. The mac mini is an important part of the Mac lineup, and will move forward. Two: an Apple Tablet: yes, but not until after Snow Leopard. There is a good reason we are working on slimming down OSX and making all the technologies involved work more smoothly with less power. Three: iPhone nanos: no. Some little punk site already broke the real story on the so-called nanos, so go find that if you want to know what’s up there.
“And one more thing: a mid-size Apple Tower: Yes. The Mac Home will be a monitor-less Mac with expansion capabilities much like a Mac Pro, but aimed at advanced home users. Removing the monitor and using standard components will allow us to price the Mac Home roughly $300 lower than a comparable iMac, making the Mac Home an attractive option to PC switchers.
“Okay, now you know what’s up, agents. Your duty is to go out and loudly deride the rumors sites for missing such obvious announcements when they are made over the next few days. Oh, and solve all the other MacHeist missions that come your way. Seriously, the fate of the apple world relies on your ability to… oh, just go get some free software. Be well.”
With that the screen fades to black.
- Three words for MH3, ten minutes for 10 years of Stevenotes [↩]
