Crazy Apple News Site

Completely non-shocking news from Cupertino today as it’s revealed that only around 40% of Apple Employees actually use Apple’s new Ping service.

“I don’t know, it just doesn’t seem to be very useful,” said Pre Tend, who asked to remain nameless. “I tried it for a while, but none of my friends are on there, and everybody’s already on Facebook. So I just use that.”

“I go through the motions. I mean, I’ll review a song or two every so often,” said P. Schilller, who asked that we not identify him in this article. “Just to keep Steve and Tim happy, you know. I’ll review a song or something. But really, who wants everyone to know when they’re listening to Inna Gadda Da Vida for the fifth time that day? Er, not that I’ve done that. I think…I think Scott does that.”

There are others who say that the service provides a vibrant link between fans and artists, and that it’s just getting started. Unfortunately we were unable to reach any of them for comment. Officially, Apple remains confident that Ping will eventually be like Facebook without the freedom. When asked for a comment on the results of the study, an Apple spokesperson said “hey that’s 40% than the national average! So things are looking up!”

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week: Everyone’s favorite media player’s newest incarnation: iTunes 9!

Q: I have a question about “Genius Mixes”; Why does my “Rock Mix 2″ play some tracks over and over?

A: That’s a good question. But you know what a better question would be?

Q: Ummm…

A: Something more like, “hey, where did you get that absolutely beautiful MacBook Pro?”

Q: So, did you get a MacBook Pro?

A: Or an even better question would be, “Hey, did you win some sort of major award at your place of employment, and then use part of the proceeds of that major award to purchase an absolutely stunning 15″ MacBook Pro?”

Q: I’m not even going to try to remember all that. Look, are you going to answer my question or what?

A: I don’t know what your problem is. iTunes works fine on my brand new MacBook Pro.

Q: Really?

A: Yes!… Maybe. I don’t actually have any music on there yet. But I plan to use home sharing later to pull a bunch of my music off of my iMac onto my new–

Q: –MacBook Pro. Yes, got it. So really, you don’t know what’s going on at all, as far as iTunes 9 is concerned, huh?

A: Well, I installed it on my iMac and my old MacBook, but I haven’t really had all that much time to play with it. I was too busy being named one of the six best employees IN THE WORLD!!!

Q: Really?

A: Maybe, or maybe it was more “one of the six recipients of an award given out by a fairly large UNIVERSITY that’s in the state OF UTAH“.

Q: You’re a bit useless this week,you know that?

A: Do you know how many days I’ve worked this week? 1.5!¹

Q: You are a paragon of employeeship. Okay, maybe you’ll be in the mood to actually answer questions next week. Have fun with your new toy.

A: Wait, what? I was too busy turning the lights off and watching my keyboard light up.

Q: My point exactly.

1. State holiday, work adjust day for working 16 hours in one day last week, one day home sick, one day allowed to go home early because I’d just become the first employee of my department to win my employer’s most prestigious award [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we return to an old favorite who just got a new look. That’s right, HyperCard!  Er, no, I mean, iTunes 8.

Q; Is iTunes 8 really all that different?

A: Hoo yeah!

Q:…

A:…

Q: Care to elaborate?

A: Sure!  I mean, the genius mode alone is more awesome than a bag of tap dancing penguins.  And then there’s the new grid view for all media types. That’s just awesome. I mean, seriously, what could be more awesome than having ten icons that all say “Dance” on them?

Q: Why would you have ten “dance” genres?

A: Who doesn’t? Techno, DJ, Hip-hop, they’re all “Dance” to iTunes.

Q: O-Okay, whatever. I gotta tell ya, though, I’m just a little worried about the “genius” thing.  Does it really need to send the entire contents of my library to some creepy server in Cupertino?

A: There aren’t any creepy servers in Cupertino!  And anyway, it’s completely anonymous. Just because the server knows that someone has the complete works of Yanni in full, uncompressed 256kbps glory doesn’t mean that it knows who that loser is.

Q:  Heh heh, yeah, what… what kind of loser would have a complete Yanni collection?

A: But what they would know is that a person who listens to the works of Yanni also likes John Tesh, and they can help people build Yanni/Tesh playlists, with some Neil Diamond thrown in to “spice things up”.

Q: Ewww, I don’t like Neil Diamond… I mean, um, yeah, that works.

A: It also helps avoid the embarrassment of Party Shuffle pulling up your previously-mentioned Vanilla Ice collection when you’re trying to listen to Beck-like music.

Q: That wasn’t me, that was a different FAQ question-asker.

A: There’s more than one of you?

Q: Yes.

A: Strange.

Q: Is it true that the “Genius” will insert any John Mayer you have into any playlist it creates?

A:  It was in beta, but something seems to have come between John Mayer and Apple, and he’s been replaced.  I wonder what could have happened with that relationship¹?

Q: Yes, It’s like there was a painful conversation between them²

A: Well, I guess we’ll never know³.

Q: So now is there some new “most favored artist”?

A: Jack Johnson.

Q: Cool.  So, If I make a genius playlist based on, say, “Penny Lane”, then I’ll get the most Penny-lane-esque Jack Johnson song?

A: Oooh, no can do.  iTunes don’t do no Beatles. But you would be amazed how well Johnson’s Hawaiian groove blends with Coltrane.

Q: Awesome.

1. foreshadowing [↩]
2. heavy foreshadowing [↩]
3. What could they be talking about? [↩]

We’re live here in, well, our office, and covering Apple’s groundbreaking event.

• Steve looks like he always does.
• He’s not dead.
• iTunes 8 will tell a “genius in the cloud” that you want to make playlists based on the music of Zamfir and give you a list of songs that will sound good in a mix with pan pipes.
• Is this the same cloud where Mobile Me lives?
• iPods!
• New Nanos! They look suspiciously like the iPod Giga!
• That’ll be announced next. You just watch.
• Here it comes.
• …Or new earbuds. That’s good too.
• And a flying rainbow.
• Of nanos.
• Wow! the new iPod touch looks just like the old iPhone! Kinda!
• Nike built in! If only I ever used that, or even wanted to!
• Iron Man! I’ll bet he has an iPhone.
• Why does John Meyer keep showing up in people’s playlists?
• Spore! Wow! that’s…something we all knew about. Phil looks good, though.
• It’s like Phil has never seen an iPod before. What’s that all about?
• It’s like he wants to, say, kiss each and every pixel on the screen.  Odd.
• If I was going to play soccer on my iTouch, it’d be Philippines vs. Finland.  Yeah!
• Why do games get all the accelerometer support?  I want a “shake and calc” spreadsheet for the iPhone!
• This is the funnest iPod ever”  Is “funnest” a word?
• Updates for money? What is Apple thinking?
• Here comes the Giga. It’s a “One more thing” type of announcement.
• No! No John Mayer! Please! NO! Oh, It’s Jack Johnson. That’s alright then.
• Jack Johnson + “Let’s Rock” = Mellow, acoustic sounds. Huh.
• At least we avoided John Mayer. I can’t stand that little rodent.
• I’d be sleeping right now, but there’s all this static.
• Aaaand another song.
• In what way is Jack Johnson “used to 20-something girls”?
• I don’t want to think about Jack’s friends watching him sing love songs to his wife. I really don’t.
• Well, that’s all folks. Until next time!

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and
answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy
Apple products.

In an effort to stop worrying about what we’re going to write each
week, we have declared August iLife Month. Every Friday this month we
will be writing about a member of Apple’s creativity suite.

This Week: that greatest of all “jukebox” programs, a great app and a close personal friend, please give a warm, Crazy Apple News Site round of applause to: iTunes!¹

Q: How can I copy music off of my friend’s iPod into my iTunes library?

A: Erm, I don’t think I should be telling you how to do things that are against your agreement with Apple.

Q: Jerk.

A: Boogerhead.

Q: Dorkface.

A: …But enough of this witty repartee. Do you have any legal questions about iTunes?

Q: Fine.  Okay, here’s one for you.  In Windows Media Player I can just drag songs I want to listen to into the “Now Playing” bar and they queue up and play in order.  Why can’t I do something like that in iTunes?

A: You can add them to the party shuffle playlist and they will be played in the order you supply.

Q: Yes, and after the  sweet, haunting strains of Moonlight Sonata fade quietly into the darkness and you are considering the majesty of creation and Man’s place in it you suddenly get “Baby Got Back”, because Party Shuffle is about as intelligent and sensitive as a dragon in a store that sells wedding dresses.

A: Why do you even have “Baby Got Back” in your iTunes library?

Q: What? That’s not the point. And you completely ignored my witty allegory.

A: It was a simile. What else do you have in there? “Bust a Move”, by Young MC? Maybe some Kriss Kross? How about Marky Mark’s #1 Jam “Good Vibrations”?

Q: What’s wrong with you?

A: I’m just trying to figure out why you are still listening to novelty rap from the early-to-mid nineties.

Q: Look, I don’t have all of M.C. Hammer’s albums tucked away in my iPod, alright? It was just an example, and  you are still totally ignoring my question…

A: I’ll bet you do have a complete M.C. Hammer collection! I’ll bet you even have the oft-overlooked, but actually quite excellent “Let’s Get it Started” album!

Q: …And you are the one that seems to know all about the novelty rap songs.  How’s that C+C Music Factory tape holding up after all these years?  Thought about making the jump to CD any time soon?

A: Oh, I bought that one on CD back– hey!

Q: Thought so.

A: Whatever. Jus’ shut up.

Q: Well, I’m not getting any useful answers out of you when you’re in this mood, so I’ll leave you to your VHS copies of Yo! MTV Raps!.

A: At least I don’t make playlists with “Moonlight Sonata” and “Baby Got Back” in them. Say “hi” to the New Kids on the Block for me. Geek.

Q: Poser.

A: Nerd….

(They continue as we fade to silence)²

1. Yes, iTunes is technically part of iLife.  Even though it’s  a free download and runs on Windows. [↩]
2. Look! the first ever iFAQ with stage notes! [↩]