iPhone: Thank you, it’s good to be here.

iPad: What’s that, iPhone? You cut out there for a second.

Moderator: iPad, remember, we don’t do antennagate jokes here.

iPad: Sorry. Won’t happen again.

iPhone: No worries, cousin.

Moderator: Well, let’s get started. iPhone, what effect do you think this new generation of iPads will have on you and your sales?

iPhone: Well it can only be positive, can’t it? I mean, we’re not really in competition are we? I think of us as a team, two players on the same side.

iPad: I have to agree. It’s like asking what kind of effect my sales will have on the sales of Mac Minis. Sure, we cost about the same, but we’re totally different products with entirely different applications. Any one of us doing well only helps the others.

Moderator: So, iPad, you feel that your success will only help iPhone, is that correct?

iPad: Yes.

iPhone: I agree.

Moderator: So, do you feel that your competition benefits from this kind of synergy?

iPhone & iPad: Competition?

Moderator: The Android OS is looking to move into both of your spaces, and is definitely making inroads into your territory iPhone. And there are a lot of up and comers in your field, iPad.

iPhone: Well, there’s two questions there, really–

iPad: Yeah, the question of the threat posed by Android–

iPhone: And how well the Android players will work together.

Moderator: That works. Okay, feel free to answer those questions in any order you wish.

iPad: You first.

iPhone: Okay. Well, first: Android has its adherents. There are things that it does well. I don’t want to take that away from my worthy competitior. But what they don’t have is the integration–

iPad: or any real way to match the iOS experience.

Moderator: It seems to come down to iOS a lot of the time, doesn’t it?

iPhone: The experience is both our hardware and the software, it’s an integration. And that’s what’s missing in the Android universe.

iPad: Some Android software doesn’t work on some modern hardware, the speed of the updates is controlled by the carrier, it’s a rough world.

iPhone: So yeah, that’s a real advantage on our side.

iPad: Another is that we are working together, one company, one vision. We don’t have different manufacturers trying to outdo each other.

iPhone: Yeah, exactly. An iPhone is an iPhone, there’s no HTC vs. Motorola stuff going on here.

Moderator: That’s definitely a point. Although some would claim that the monolithic nature of your product line is a negative, not a positive.

iPad: Oh man, did someone let Zombie Richard Stallman in here?

iPhone: Wow, there hasn’t been a ZRMS joke on this blog since…wow, since before I was introduced. Anyway, carry on.

iPad: My point is just that it seems like the people that worry about that are just the Open Source fanatics.

Moderator: Some would say that Open Source is actually a useful and beneficial concept. In fact, OSX is based on the BSD, and Apple contributes to a number of Open Source projects.

iPad: but not us. We’re all Apple baby. At least, as far as you know. Good luck getting a look at our internals, too. We’re But seriously, what’s so bad about vendor lock-in?

iPhone: Look, you can have open source, or you can have a good user experience, but so far you can’t have both.

Moderator: Wow, that’s deeply insightful. And a little scary, really. Okay, one last question: Windows Phone 7? What do you think?

iPhone: Microsoft gave up and decided to fight a different battle. Has nothing to do with me.

Moderator: We’ve been chatting with a very confident, and not very funny, pair of devices ladies and gentlemen. And remember: around here, we don’t talk about Antennagate. Join us next time when we talk to the Mac App Store and iTunes and see how they feel about sharing an OS.

This week we bid a loving farewell to Apple’s venerable “desktop” operating system, OSX.

Q: Desktop? What’s a desktop?

A: Well, you see, back before there were iPhones and iPads, even before the ancient MacBook Air first crawled out of the primordial ooze, there was a thing called a “desktop computer”. It was kind of like an iPad, except for less portable.

Q: What do you mean?

A: Well, desktop computers didn’t have batteries, you see, so they had to stay in one place all the time

Q: Barbaric!

A: And they didn’t have touch screens, so you used a physical keyboard and a “mouse” to move the cursor around on the screen.

Q: I’m not okay with the rodent metaphor.

A: Many people weren’t. So that’s why Apple in their wisdom freed us from the scourge of non-portable computing.

Q: Were there any good things about these monstrosities?

A: Oh sure! Like, you could get apps from anywhere, even from stores not owned by Apple!

Q: No such thing!

A: And you could have screens of up to 30″ inches across, sometimes even two of them! But even the most humble of these gentle giants had at least 17″ of screen space.

Q: What would anyone do with that much space?

A: Well, remember those programs you could get from anywhere? You could run a WHOLE BUNCH of them at once, and Apple’s operating system for the desktop machines would let you switch between them, or even have two of them up on the screen at the same time.

Q: It’s like the future happened in the past!

A: There were many things in that era that are lost to us now, like the secret of Exposè, or devices that could be upgraded without being totally replaced. But Apple knows better for us now. They have declared that we must all compute on smaller screens that go with us everywhere, and blessed are we that follow in that righteous path.

Q: Amen.

A: Yet here is irony: those that create apps for us to use on our devices must still use those ancient beasts.

Q: What? How can this be?

A: Indeed, the desktop is not yet fully removed from Apple’s eye. The all-powerful XCode, that which generates the apps of the iPad and iPhone, does not run on our liberated devices. Indeed, it only runs on OSX, that most graceful of past OS’es.

Q: There is some serenity in that thought.

A: Yes, there is hope. The stationary ones may rise again; indeed Apple may yet release a new version of OSX. We can but wait. And hope.

Many is the time that I have been preparing for a discrete little soiree in my apartment and have discovered to my horror that I have neglected to adequately explore the full range of cheeses before leaving the apartment, and must choose a cheese based only on my memory of the qualities thereof. This is quite a quandary. Do I purchase the rather nice Lingot Saint Bousquet d Orb that has only recently been made available and hope that it goes well with Bourgogne Chardonnay, or do I purchase the Pitchounet in the belief that it is a more suitable match? Naturally, this usually leads to unlikely goings-on, and more than once has resulted in my randy producer becoming amorously involved with a purveyor of wines and spirits. I’m beginning to think that she could use some therapy herself.

Thus you can imagine my delight when I discovered fromage, a small, inexpensive program for the iPhone that allows me to peruse the world’s finest in curdled milk while out shopping, and ensures that my purchase of Cendré du Beauzac will not fight with the Côtes d’Auvergne that I’ve had laid up for a few years now to truly impress he head of the Arts Council at the beginning of the 2009 season. For only three dollars I can be assured that my choices are the height of taste and sophistication. Unless my improbably-skinny brother “accidentally” erases the program and replaces it with a highly inaccurate parody thereof…

Donning our best Steve Wozniak costume¹ we penetrated the outer defenses of the Apple Compound and were able to get to the inner sanctum. Well, the inner waiting room.  We made it past the secretary’s desk, anyway.

What was more surprising was that someone official actually decided to talk to us. In this case it was Scott Forestall, who is no less than SVP of iPhone software, and somewhat miffed that Schiller is speaking at Macworld instead of him.

“I mean, if Steve is gonna blow off the Mac community he should at least let me talk to the iPhone community,” Forestall whined.  “I could really connect with the people, but no, they’ll send Schiller because He’s Steve’s favorite.”

This went on for several more minutes.  After many ones of dollars and some carefully worded compliments² and sublte, indirect questions³ I was able to get him to admit the truth about the photos we’ve all seen on those disreputable rumors sites.

“No, those aren’t cheap knockoffs, like you think.  Oh, we’ve tried to play up that rumor, but really there’s no substance to it.  And they aren’t iPhone nanos, either. At least, not in the way you would think of it.

“You see, the iPhone is a triumph, a symbiosis of art and science; it’s a joining between phone, iPod and PDA.  But it’s more than that.  You can’t create something as perfect as the iPhone.  For that matter, you can’t manufacture them, either.  The truth is, iPhones are grown.”

We asked about this, being frankly stunned.  I mean, this sort of thing is plausible in Douglas Adams books, but not here in the real world, or even the internet.

“Each iPhone is grown on specially modified trees in China, where rules about genetic manipulation are less strict, and you can shoot trespassers, I mean, it’s easier to dissuade trespassers.  Anyway, the trees are normal Apple trees with some specific modifications made to their DNA, so that instead of apples they grow Apples, if you know what I mean.  And the iPhone nanos you’ve been seeing online are, well, under ripe specimens.”

“Like any fruit there are iPhones that don’t quite reach maturity before falling off the tree. They aren’t as good as fully ripe models; the interface is weaker and harder to use, the casing is flimsier, they just aren’t up to Apple’s standards. We do our best to recycle these “green” iPhones, but sometimes people sneak them off the farm before we can get to them.”

At this point the real Woz showed up and I had to get out of the building fast, but I was amazed at the sincerity in Mr. Forestall’s voice, and believe that we here at CANS have finally “scooped” the so-called “big boys” of the Apple news world, and have brought you the real truth, instead of some half-baked rumors.  I for one believe his story. After all, how likely is it that some cheap Taiwanese knock-off artist could make such exact copies of the iPhone in miniature?

1. which is identical to our best George Lucas costume, except for the Segway
2. “Scott, everyone knows you’re the hippest of Apple’s  SVP’s.”
3. “Hang on, my G1 is ringing. Man this thing is huge. Say, you aren’t planning on releasing a really small version of the iPhone are you?”

The Zombie of RMS

This week, with the iFAQ falling on Halloween, who better to answer your questions than ZRMS, the reanimated corpse of Richard Stallman? And what better product for him to answer questions about than AbiWord, the half-dead Open Source word processor?

Q: Why does AbiWord look like crap?

A: I blame Raymond.  He keeps pushing that “bazaar” garbage, when some of us are trying to build cathedrals for everyone to worship in. And AbiWord is as Bizarre as they come.

Q: So open source should be tightly controlled open source?

A: All source should be in the hands of the FSF, so that we can give the people what they need, and they give us all they can.

And then I’ll eat their delicious, succulent brains.

Q: What was that last part?

A: Nothing!  Seriously, the problem isn’t control, it’s patents.  If I had all the control back when I was alive I wouldn’t be stalking Larry Wall right now to convince him to join me on the other side.  Perl would have been an FSF project and I could have told him how to get version 6 done in less than 10 years.

Q: How’s Hurd coming along, by the way?

A: That’s GNU/Hurd, and it’ll be done any time now.

Q: Huh. So, back to AbiWord…

A: No, look, you mac people act like you’re all friendly to open source with your MacPorts, and your built-in ruby and python and stuff, but really all you want to do is look down your noses at those of us who want to live completely free of patents.

Q: Is “live” really the right word for you to use, all things considered?  And I thought you’d softened towards us.

A: It’s the iPhone, man. Yes, it’s pretty. Yes, it “just works”. Yes, it’s on a large network that works everywhere and you can get a gazillion awesome apps and games and everything. But why you apple folk gotta keep dumpin’ on the G1?

Q: Oh, did the bearded zombie get his feelings hurt?  Did some bad commenters say mean things about your phone on a naughty ol’ forum somewhere?

A: *sniff*. I mean, you’ve won, okay? Can’t you just leave us second-placers alone? You think we don’t know there’s problems? You’d think a forum like “iPhone Friends” would  be more friendly!

Q: Well, you gotta consider the source, Richie. Mac people can be like that sometimes.  You can’t let it get to you.  Your phone will grow up and be the pride of geeky nerds everywhere, just like Linux…

A: GNU/Linux…

Q: …Just like Linux has become.  And your open source revolution will continue in the glorious tradition of never making any real money.

A:  You…you think so?

Q: I know so.

A: Awww, thanks. You just made an old, crazy zombie’s day.

Can I eat your brain?

Q: No.

A: Just a nibble off the right frontal lobe?

Q:No.

A: C’mon! Gruber let me eat his!

Q: That explains a lot.  Look, if  you’re hungry, go chew on Doctrow.

A: Ewww, I try to stay away from junk food.

Q: Look, can we just end this post?

A: All right. But brain jokes are so much fun!

Q: Fine. Go eat Merlin Mann’s brain. He’s been expanding it lately so there should be some scraps lying around.  He won’t miss ‘em.

A: Woo hoo!

“You can walk around and be insane, and people will think you’re just another person with a headset,” Enderle says, revealing a strategy that has worked for him for years. But why is he singling out the iPhone, in the midst of so many other prestige-based handsets? Why not pick on the Blackberry, which appeals to corporate ladder-climbers, or the geek-centered G1¹? Our crack reporters went undercover and slept for 8 hours². Then we called him and asked.

“You mac people have it so easy,” he whined. “I mean, every time I even look at an iPhone I get a threatening email from Thurrott reminding me of my duty to be a Windows bigot. So I’m stuck with this crappy Treo running WM6, while all you princesses waltz around with your functional and beautiful technology. And that hurts, man. It hurts bad.”

We suggested that Enderle could stop being such a fawning little Microsoft-boot-licking toady, but he shuddered at the thought. “You don’t know how Ballmer can be when he’s angry. I couldn’t face him. I want to, oh, how I want to, but I…I just don’t have the guts.”

Apple refused to comment, but at the bottom of their refusal email were the words, “Sent from my amazingly functional and beautiful iPhone. Deal with it, you have-not caveman.”

1. ours should get here “on or about” November 10
2. Good health comes first!

One day an evil software company from far to the north came and tricked the Master of Business and Industry into putting their software on all the computers the Master sold.  The evil company’s software was ugly, hard to use, and downright primitive compared to the beautiful company’s offerings, but people still bought it for two reasons: it was cheap, it was easy for all the little developers to write software for the evil company’s operating system, and you could install it on any hardware you wanted.¹

At first the beautiful company laughed at the evil company’s products, but somehow the evil company took over the world, and all but a faithful handful moved to the Dungeon Of Stupidity. Those few waited for the return of their King, the head of the beautiful company, and a day when they would once again be able to use beautiful computers in the light of day, instead of hiding in MUGs.

At last the King returned and the beautiful company started the long, slow climb back out of obscurity. They made it easier for the little programmers to write software for the beautiful computer by giving them the tools they needed. They brought the price of the beautiful computer down, so that more people could know of its beauty.  And the beautiful computer once again flourished.

And the King thought, and brought forth Music that the people could carry, and all was good. And he thought again, and the beautiful company built computers in the Air, and all was good.  And at last he thought his greatest thought, and brought forth a new device, one that combined the Music, and the Air, and let people talk to other people across great distances.  And the people rejoiced, for the new device was amazing and powerful.  At length the beautiful company let others create programs to run on the device, and the rejoicing increased.  True, it was hard to develop software for the beautiful device because the beautiful company only wanted beautiful software.  And true, the beautiful device was a little expensive, but people were happy to buy it because it was so great.

And now a company that claims not to be evil has brought forth software that seeks to replace the beautiful device.  The software isn’t ugly, but it isn’t as beautiful as the software that runs the beautiful device.  It isn’t hard to use, but it’s harder to use than the software for the beautiful device.  It is more primitive than the software for the beautiful device, but there are those in the kingdom who fear that people will use the software of the company that claims not to be evil for two reasons: It’s cheaper than the beautiful device², it’s easy for all the little developers to write software for it³, and you can install it on many different devices.⁴

For now, the beautiful company laughs at the company who claims not to be evil’s device. But the faithful sit and wait, wondering what the King will do to ensure that what happened to the beautiful computer doesn’t happen to the beautiful device.  They hope that the beautiful company will allow the little programmers to write software for the beautiful device in freedom, as they have the beautiful computer.  They hope that the beautiful company will make the beautiful device less expensive, so that more people may know of its beauty. And they hope that the beautiful device will flourish.

1. Three reasons. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!
2. 
   The software is free
3. Because the company that claims not to be evil says that any software will be allowed
4. This fairy tale still hasn’t learned to count

• Steve looks like he always does.
• He’s not dead.
• iTunes 8 will tell a “genius in the cloud” that you want to make playlists based on the music of Zamfir and give you a list of songs that will sound good in a mix with pan pipes.
• Is this the same cloud where Mobile Me lives?
• iPods!
• New Nanos! They look suspiciously like the iPod Giga!
• That’ll be announced next. You just watch.
• Here it comes.
• …Or new earbuds. That’s good too.
• And a flying rainbow.
• Of nanos.
• Wow! the new iPod touch looks just like the old iPhone! Kinda!
• Nike built in! If only I ever used that, or even wanted to!
• Iron Man! I’ll bet he has an iPhone.
• Why does John Meyer keep showing up in people’s playlists?
• Spore! Wow! that’s…something we all knew about. Phil looks good, though.
• It’s like Phil has never seen an iPod before. What’s that all about?
• It’s like he wants to, say, kiss each and every pixel on the screen.  Odd.
• If I was going to play soccer on my iTouch, it’d be Philippines vs. Finland.  Yeah!
• Why do games get all the accelerometer support?  I want a “shake and calc” spreadsheet for the iPhone!
• This is the funnest iPod ever”  Is “funnest” a word?
• Updates for money? What is Apple thinking?
• Here comes the Giga. It’s a “One more thing” type of announcement.
• No! No John Mayer! Please! NO! Oh, It’s Jack Johnson. That’s alright then.
• Jack Johnson + “Let’s Rock” = Mellow, acoustic sounds. Huh.
• At least we avoided John Mayer. I can’t stand that little rodent.
• I’d be sleeping right now, but there’s all this static.
• Aaaand another song.
• In what way is Jack Johnson “used to 20-something girls”?
• I don’t want to think about Jack’s friends watching him sing love songs to his wife. I really don’t.
• Well, that’s all folks. Until next time!

“My girlfriend called me and told me she was leaving me because all I do is play Neon Tango for upwards of fifteen hours a day,” said Jason Simmons of Rose Park, Washington.   “But when I demonstrated the ability of the iPhone to conference in my mom, her mom, and some telemarketer that called me while we were on the phone, she was convinced that I was the man for her.  Now we play Airburst Extreme head-to-head every day!”

Others have found that the iPhone works equally well in work situations.  ”I called up my boss, to tell him I quit and he can take this job and shove it,” said “Beve Stallmer,” an employee of a large corporation in Washington who wished to remain anonymous.  ”When I got off the phone, however, I was CEO of the company!”

Apple has been quiet about this conversation smoothing technology, but an unnamed source did tell CANS staff that “Steve felt that it would be detrimental to the iPhone’s image if it were to carry crude or painful conversations, as people might associate the iPhone with the work or relationship damage done.  So it was decided that the iPhone would be able to intelligently screen your calls; replacing painful or damaging comments with comments more prone to make people feel that you are intelligent, hip, and basically, a perfect Apple customer.  Now as long as you never speak to people face to face, no one ever has to know that you’re an overweight, opinionated geek!  As you can tell, I’m not using an iPhone right now.”

Apple may have made comments, but all we heard was “Have a nice day” over and over again.