We’re not really ready to post a full on iFAQ about the Mac App Store, because we haven’t upgraded to 10.6.6 yet. So we’re going to ask pointed questions in an effort to stir up pointless controversy. Mostly because it sounds like fun.
- Is it true that the App Store will be giving a percentage of every purchase to the DEVIL?
- What if I want to offer a free trial version of my app?
- What do you mean that iOS developers already do that just fine?
- Does the app store represent the end of the free market?
- Will all my base belong to Apple?
- Is it too early to hop on the retro “All your base” wagon?
- What happens if Apple discovers they secretly hate an App after they said they liked it? Will it disappear off my mac?
- Is there anything in the app store, either by intent or by accident, that will make it easier for John Mayer to invade my computer?
- Fun bonus question: Come up with the best name for Microsoft’s copycat App store that will probably be announced either at CES or later this year!
- Our guess: Windows Live Program Marketplace 8.
That’s all we have for today. Expect a really nice iFAQ tomorrow after we’ve had some time to play with the dang thing. Well, actually don’t. Whenever we promise a post bad things happen to it before we actually get it posted. So seek to manage your expectations accordingly. We’ll keep you posted.
September 21st, 2010
Nate
In this quiet period between the annual music event and the holiday season, Apple’s looking for a way to stay in the headlines, as evidenced by the following job posting:
Wanted: Philandering Executive
Candidate must be good at self-promotion and scandal management. Must be able to attract media attention without attaching shame to Apple. Good people skills a must. Please include a mug shot (yours) and a head shot (scandalous partner).
Neither Apple nor Bill Clinton were available for comment.
Apple now has the exclusive right to use the new Liquidmetal alloy-thing for electronical type communication devices and whatnot. Everyone make the Terminator jokes now. I’ll wait here.
Thank you.
Now, that done, here are some things we hope John Ive does with this new, insanely useful metal:
- Actually Build EVE from Wall*E
- Actually build Wall*E from Wall*E
- Mac Wars Episode VI: RETURN OF THE CUBE
- Shiny-backed iPhones That don’t pick up millions of fingerprints (because it’s magic!)
- Newer, more powerful Phil Schiller
- For that matter, it’s about time to redo The Woz. The current model is getting kinda ragged.
- bullet-proof mock turtlenecks
- Liquid. Metal. Ponies.
- Summer Glau 2.0: Don’t call her “Autumn”
Well, we’ve wandered a bit from our main point. Here’s to Jony Ive and his shiny new toy. We look forward to the next coolest thing in industrial design.
September 24th, 2009
Nate
I mean, Really. Come on, guys. Even I don’t write stories about new financial practices. I write stories about other people who write stories about new financial practices. Which is clearly better.
Much has been said about Oprah “officially” deciding to use Twitter, thus ushering in the end of the microblogging platform as a trendy thing that many people use and the beginning of the microblogging platform as a pure advertising vehicle. However, very little has been said–perhaps appropriately– about Harpo joining the Twitter family.
“Twitter is perfectly suited for Harpo’s unique brand of communication,” said his agent on Monday. “After all, in all his movies, he never even spoke so much as a single word, so 140 characters is a luxury.”
And indeed, most of Harpo’s posts are spartan in nature. Consider the following example:
@Groucho: [Honks horn twice] @Chico: [shakes fist]
And this one:
@Margaret_Dumont: [leers, then chases around pool]
It’s also not a coincidence that Harpo is “following” @Margaret_Dumont, @LillyRoth, and @BathingBeauties
Not surprisingly, the musical star has remained silent on Oprah’s use of Twitter, and on the topic of her blatant theft of his stage name.
Sorry, Can’t blog now. I just got a brand new, free Kindle from Amazon.
On my iPod, baby!
Oh yeah! Now I can spend even more money on Amazon.com.
With my free Kindle.
Awesome.
Now that the iPhone has been declared the ultimate winner in the war against the as-yet-unreleased Kindle 2, analysts are looking for other cross-market battles for the revolutionary communication device.
“The Kindle was an easy kill,” says Gohn Jruber, noted analyst. “Now the iPhone is hunting bigger prey. And a German producer of finely crafted automobiles is next on Apple’s dance card.”
In response to accusations that there is no real connection between the iPhone’s market and the BMW M3 Sedan’s, Jruber replied, “These products are total competitors! They are both made at least partially out of metal, they are both status symbols, and I have at least one of both. So they are both competing for my affection and polishing time. And when it comes to polishing, how many people are really going to make the trek all the way out to the garage, when they can just polish their iPhone to a high gloss in the comfort of their own living room? When people want to polish, they aren’t going to take a big heavy performance vehicle with them.”
Beyond the polishing issue, many other analysts feel that the iPhone has other natural advantages over the BMW M3.
“For example; the iPhone gets an infinite number of miles to the gallon, because it doesn’t use any gas at all!” enthused Pavid Dogue, who claims that “in these environmentally challenging times, this is the kind of fuel efficiency that moves metal. Even if it’s only the trace amounts of metal on the circuit boards and chips inside the newly redesigned plastic iPhone case.”
Apple was unavailable for comment, and when we contacted BMW all they said was “Der Hund wünscht der Motte guten Abend nicht”, which according to Apple’s translation widget means “The dog does not require good evening to the moth”.
Perhaps it was the work of an Albert Einstein-style patent clerk, but Apple got more than they bargained for when their latest patent was approved.
“When we filed the patent for multi-touch interfaces, it was necessary to demonstrate the method used to register multiple touches on the device,” says Scott Forstall, SVP of iPhone Software at Apple. “So we had to include an image of a human finger. We didn’t realize the, ah, inherent opportunities in doing so.”
“Patent is hereby granted to Apple, Inc. on all items appearing in all images in the patent filing,” is the wording used by the United States Patent Office. The problem is image 4: a picture of a standard human finger.
“This definitely grants Apple patent rights on human fingers,” says John Gruber, because that’s the kind of Gruber he is. “I for one stand ready to pay full license fees, yearly if needed, to keep using my fingers to their fullest extent.”
Fortunately that may not be needed. “While we are not sure that you can patent a naturally occurring item like a finger we would like to assure the public that we will not be seeking universal licensing on human fingers,” says Tim Cook, Acting CEO of Apple. “However, that doesn’t mean we won’t be seeking license fees from, well, we’ll call them special interest groups. For example, We will definitely be ‘vigorously defending’ this patent from Microsoft. Microsoft execs all owe us $3.4 million for use of their digits.”
Not surprisingly, Palm has filed a patent on the rest of your hand.
So, Mr. Moltz finally admits that he’s left the pure world of Apple blogging in favor of fear mongering. And frankly we here at CANS are shocked, shocked and offended that he would be running this shameful side project. You can rest assured that CANS is our highest online priority, and that neither I nor any of the Ruby Ninja Androids would even think of running any other web sites…
Oh, those. Right. Um. Well, CANS is always first, you know that, baby. C[2]N means nothing to me …Yes, I know I opened a web store with C[2]N shirts, but It’s never sold any! C’mon, you know I love CANS most! Awww, now don’t be like that!…
