Crazy Apple News Site

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and
answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy
Apple products.

This week ends our tour of iLife with the black sheep of the family, the one who didn’t have the common decency to take the family prefix.  That’s right, I’m looking at you, GarageBand.

Q: How do I make myself sound awesome in GB?

A: In Great Britian?  I dunno, try saying something like, “Today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you.”

Q: Cute.

A: Thanks!

Q: You know what I mean.

A: Alright, look, what kind of music are you trying to play?

Q: Oh, I’m thinking something that sounds like the Talking Heads meet They Might Be Giants.

A: Okay, then you’re in with a chance.  I’ll level with you: GarageBand is good for two things: Making podcasts and techno-sounding music.

Q: There’s one problem, though. I don’t know how to play any instruments.

A: Well, there’s a way around that as well.  You see, in GarageBand, your credit card is the most versatile musical instrument there is!

Q: Ummm…

A: All you have to do is march your backside down to the nearest Apple store and buy every Jam Pack there is! Then you have millions of pre-recorded loops that you can mash together and pretend you have talent.  It’s just like being a member of *NSYNC, but without the dancing!

Q: So, GarageBand will help me spend money?

A: Sure!  Oh, you could use one of the “Magic GarageBand” settings and just let your lack of talent shine in the midst of Apple’s pre-recorded talent on the other four tracks, but why force Apple’s robots to help you play terrible music when you can do that just fine on your own?

Q: Hey, pal, I play great alterna-techno-reggae…

A: I mean, terrible music should be something you do on your own, in private, and never share, lest the others all gather around and mock you.

Q: Here we go again…

A: Their disdain evident on their faces, and in every gesture.  Sure, they say they like you, but in reality they’re just looking for a new chance, a fresh opportunity to cut you down, man, and you can’t…

Q: SLAP!

A: … Thanks.

Q: One more question?

A: Sure.

Q: What should I call my band?

A: They Might be Talking Giant Heads.

Q: Awesome.

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and
answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy
Apple products.

In an effort to stop worrying about what we’re going to write each
week, we have declared August iLife Month. Every Friday this month we
will be writing about a member of Apple’s creativity suite.

This Week: that greatest of all “jukebox” programs, a great app and a close personal friend, please give a warm, Crazy Apple News Site round of applause to: iTunes!¹

Q: How can I copy music off of my friend’s iPod into my iTunes library?

A: Erm, I don’t think I should be telling you how to do things that are against your agreement with Apple.

Q: Jerk.

A: Boogerhead.

Q: Dorkface.

A: …But enough of this witty repartee. Do you have any legal questions about iTunes?

Q: Fine.  Okay, here’s one for you.  In Windows Media Player I can just drag songs I want to listen to into the “Now Playing” bar and they queue up and play in order.  Why can’t I do something like that in iTunes?

A: You can add them to the party shuffle playlist and they will be played in the order you supply.

Q: Yes, and after the  sweet, haunting strains of Moonlight Sonata fade quietly into the darkness and you are considering the majesty of creation and Man’s place in it you suddenly get “Baby Got Back”, because Party Shuffle is about as intelligent and sensitive as a dragon in a store that sells wedding dresses.

A: Why do you even have “Baby Got Back” in your iTunes library?

Q: What? That’s not the point. And you completely ignored my witty allegory.

A: It was a simile. What else do you have in there? “Bust a Move”, by Young MC? Maybe some Kriss Kross? How about Marky Mark’s #1 Jam “Good Vibrations”?

Q: What’s wrong with you?

A: I’m just trying to figure out why you are still listening to novelty rap from the early-to-mid nineties.

Q: Look, I don’t have all of M.C. Hammer’s albums tucked away in my iPod, alright? It was just an example, and  you are still totally ignoring my question…

A: I’ll bet you do have a complete M.C. Hammer collection! I’ll bet you even have the oft-overlooked, but actually quite excellent “Let’s Get it Started” album!

Q: …And you are the one that seems to know all about the novelty rap songs.  How’s that C+C Music Factory tape holding up after all these years?  Thought about making the jump to CD any time soon?

A: Oh, I bought that one on CD back– hey!

Q: Thought so.

A: Whatever. Jus’ shut up.

Q: Well, I’m not getting any useful answers out of you when you’re in this mood, so I’ll leave you to your VHS copies of Yo! MTV Raps!.

A: At least I don’t make playlists with “Moonlight Sonata” and “Baby Got Back” in them. Say “hi” to the New Kids on the Block for me. Geek.

Q: Poser.

A: Nerd….

(They continue as we fade to silence)²

1. Yes, iTunes is technically part of iLife.  Even though it’s  a free download and runs on Windows. [↩]
2. Look! the first ever iFAQ with stage notes! [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and
answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy
Apple products.

In an effort to stop worrying about what we’re going to write each
week, we have declared August iLife Month. Every Friday this month we
will be writing about a member of Apple’s creativity suite.

This Week: iDVD

Q: Ummm…. I really can’t think of any questions about iDVD.  I mean, it’s pretty straightforward, isn’t it?

A: Is it?  Maybe there are more questions than you thought.

Q: No, not really.  I mean, you do all the hard work in iMovie, so when you export it into iDVD all you really have to do is choose a menu style and you’re golden.

A: That may be true.  Or perhaps… perhaps your limited mind isn’t ready for the awesome power that is iDVD.

Q: Hmmm… Nope, nope, I just read the iDVD help file. I don’t see any “awesome power” section.  Just different ways to set up menus.

A: Perhaps you are asking the wrong sort of question to fully unlock the grandeur of iDVD.

Q: I think I would need to unlock the grammar of that sentence first.

A: That’s the pot calling the kettle stupid¹ .  But go. I see you are not yet ready. You do not have the thirst for knowledge, for ultimate DVD-authoring power, that marks one of the truly prepared users of iDVD: Master of Secrets.

Q: Whoa whoa whoa, no fair giving programs subtitles all willy-nilly². Besides, “iDVD: Master of Secrets“? Sounds like some kind of stupid B science fiction sequel.

A: Those who mock iDVD are not ready for its secrets. I will answer no more questions today. Farewell.

Q: Well, actually I did have one question…

A: Really? Okay! I’ll answer it! What’s your question? Tell me tell me!

Q: Gotcha!  I don’t actually have a question about iDVD: The Most Straightforward Program.  I just wanted to see how long you could hold out not answering a question.

A: Ahem. Yes, begone with you! No longer may you insult the oracle of iDVD’s power.  I shall return now to… oh whatever. I’m going home. Jerk.

1. Yes, I know how the saying is supposed to go. I just changed it for slightly comedic effect. Please don’t go around correcting my aphorisms. [↩]
2. Did you know that “willy-nilly is a corrupted form of “will he or nill he”? Now you know what that ridiculous word means! [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and
answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy
Apple products.

In an effort to stop worrying about what we’re going to write each
week, we have declared August iLife Month. Every Friday this month we
will be writing about a member of Apple’s creativity suite.

We continue this week with iMovie: the program that makes you look like George Lucas¹ .

Q: I would like to add a transition between two scenes of movie I’m creating.

A: Okay, that’s easy. All you have to do is–

Q: D’ya wanna know what it’s about?

A: NO! No, no, no, nonono, no, huh-uh, nope, no, um… not right now, no.  Thank you though! Let’s just show you how to do transitions. What you do is select the scene that you want the transition to come after and–

Q: It’s a space pirate ninja elf romance.

A: Aaaaiiegh! I said I didn’t want to know what it was about!  What’s your title, “Overused Internet Trope Story”? Wait, no, forget I asked I don’t want–

Q: It’s called “I CAN HAS ASTEROIDZ??? I HAS A BUKKIT!”

A: Oh merciful heavens…

Q: The hero is kinda this fox guy, like in that old video game? Anyway, he’s got a first officer who’s a cat girl named–

A: You mixed StarFox and Furries into your sick little production?

Q: Ummmm… yes? So anyway, they meet this ninja space bat named Gwylindor, and he’s got a ninja master who–

A: Nope, nope, nope. Not listening. Go. Just go.  You don’t want iMovie, you want Windows Movie Maker. Now get out.

Q: …A ninja master who is a half-elf half-

A: I don’t want to know. Come on, up you get. I’m sure if you leave now you won’t get caught in traffic. Bye now!

Q: Anyway, I want to share it online with all my friends that helped make it last month after renfest, but…

A: Oh, hey, weren’t you just leaving?  Okay, well, see you later then! Here, I’ll get your hat.

Q: …So I want to share it online, but, um, I don’t have a Mobile Me account! I’ll bet that gets you angry!

A: Thank the stars. Mobile Me has had enough troubles without your little geekfest. Come back when you’re making movies about your stylish road trip to Vancouver. Then we’ll talk.

Q: I took a trip to Lindon the other day. Does that count?

A: Bye now!

1. minus the facial hair [↩]

Every Friday¹  we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and
answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy
Apple products.

In an effort to stop worrying about what we’re going to write each week, we have declared August iLife Month. Every Friday this month we will be writing about a member of Apple’s creativity suite.

This week: iPhoto

Q: Why should I use iPhoto?

A: iPhoto allows you to store and sort all your photos in style, keeping your memories tightly and rigidly organized, with no chance of one spilling over into another.

Q: That sounds draconian!

A: You bet!

Q: What if I want to store one photo in two different events?

A: No, you can’t.  But you can create albums to  organize your photos from different events, and with your Mobile Me account–

Q: I don’t have a Mobile Me…

A: YES YOU DO HAVE A MOBILE ME ACCOUNT! ALL APPLE USERS MUST HAVE MOBILE ME ACCOUNTS! HOW CAN YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE WITHOUT MOSTLY-WORKING-NOW SYNC AND PUSH EMAIL?

Q: AAAGH!  “Sync and push email?” That just doesn’t sound good. Also, we did this joke last week.²

A: Sorry, I forgot. I don’t read iFAQ’s.  Anyway, if you did have a Mobile Me account, you would be able to share your pictures on the web in Mobile Me galleries, to which other people would be able to add their pictures, and all your families and friends would have a nice gallery full of shared images.

Q: Hey that would be great! and for only $99 a year!

A: Yeah!

Q: Hey, I have another question: I heard that you can print books from iPhoto. How does that work?

A: It couldn’t be simpler! just open iPhoto, choose the “book” option at the bottom, and put images into the placeholders on the virtual book pages in front of you. When you’re done, click “order book” and Apple will print your book to your specifications and send it to you, or to whomever you wish.

Q: Hey, that’s great! Now I finally have an easy way to publish that book of pictures I took of my own armpit!

A:That’s…great…?

Q: Yeah, I have all these pictures I took over time, so  I have pictures of my armpit as a kid, as a teenager, that one time when I got that bad rash, that other time when I got a worse rash, the time I… well, why am I telling you all this when I can just show you! Here, look!

A: Oh my… I’m gonna… *erp*

Q: Yeah, that’s a good one! Hey, I can make a full hardcover, with dust jacket!

A: Why would you want an armpit book?

Q: Oh, it’s not for me!  I’d send it to my friends for Christmas!  Gosh, thanks Apple!

A: We’re so glad that Apple products allow you to… share… your… look, Apple has a reputation to maintain. We want people to think all Apple users are surfers or snowboarders.  Please don’t make an armpit book using iPhoto!  That’s what places like Lulu.com are for.

Q: …And I’m done! Okay, it’s off to the printers! Wow, these Apple programs are great!  So classy and refined. And thank you for your help, iFAQ writer person!  I’m so grateful, I’m sending you a copy too!

A: I can hardly wait.

1. It’s still Friday in the Mountain Time Zone [↩]
2. and we’ll probably do it again next week! [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and
answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy
Apple products.

In an effort to stop worrying about what we’re going to write each week, we have declared August iLife Month. Every Friday this month we will be writing about a member of Apple’s creativity suite.

This week we start with the most popular and used member of the suite: iWeb.

Q: Is iWeb hard to use?

A: Like all iLife products, iWeb is a simple solution that allows anyone to publish their life to the Web. You can publish blogs, movies, photo galleries and more, all without writing a single line of code.

Q: What if I want to write my own code?

A: Please, not to make us laugh. You. Want to write. Your own code. Go ahead on there, Mr. Webmaster. I’m sure your site will look WAAAY better than the themes that Apple paid thousands and thousands of dollars to have developed. Yep, have fun with those <div> tags!

Q: So I should just stick to the pre-defined themes?

A: That would be best.

Q: Apple paid thousands of dollars to have someone develop a black screen with a reflection under any picture?

A: You try making that reflection! It’s really hard!

Q: Uh huh.

A: Did you have any other questions, or just snide remarks?

Q: Right, sorry. Okay, next question: I don’t have a Mobile Me account–

A: WHAT? Why not!?!

Q: Whoa, easy there, mister punctuation!

A: Why don’t you have a Mobile Me account!?

Q: Hey! I’m the “Question” guy! Stop asking me questions! I don’t have a Mobile Me account because I don’t want to pay $100 a year for web hosting. And my question is: Can I host an iWeb site on something other than Mobile Me?

A: No.

Q: Really?

A: I don’t know if I should even be talking to you, you heretic.

Q: C’mon, don’t be like that. Give us a little smile!

A: No, stop it *sigh* oohhh, you know I can’t stay mad at you. But I don’t know if I should answer your little question.

Q: Hey, be a pal. I’ll be your best friend!

A: All right, all right. Yes, you can host an iWeb site on any web host using a program like Panic’s Transmit to upload the files. There. Are you happy now?

Q: Yep! Thanks!

A: Fine. Anything else?

Q: Yes. STOP ASKING QUESTIONS! I’m the guy with the “Q” in front of my lines!

A: Sorry.

Q: That’s better.