Crazy Apple News Site

As Moscone West is abandoned, the booths all closed up and sample products all re-packaged to be resold as “refurbished”¹, there’s a feeling of melancholy in the air. In part this is caused by the uncertainty surrounding Macworld Expo’s future without Apple, and in part it’s caused by Apple’s parting shot at all the Apple pundits.

Crazy Apple News Site presents:

Ponies for Pundits²

It looked too good to be true. Tucked away in a corner of Apple’s booth on the display floor was a sign that said:

Ponies for Pundits!
As a “thank you” to the faithful Apple watchdogs, rumor sites, and new media faithful,
Apple has purchased a special pony for each and every Apple pundit.
You’ve done so much for us,
Now we want to give something back.

“I wasn’t sure if I could believe it,” said Leo Laporte. “But there was a nice lady next to the sign who said, ‘Mr. Laporte, right?’ I nodded and she looked on a list on a clipboard. ‘We have you down for a nice roan stallion. Can I get you to fill out a form with a few details we need for delivery?’ Well of course I said yes. I figured that if it was some kind of joke then no harm done, but if it was real, then I would have my very own stallion that I could raise from a pony and ride around on all the time. If I’d known what was really coming, I don’t think I would have been so excited.”

And Leo wasn’t the only one. Through our excellent network of Ruby Ninja spies³ we were able to get a photo of a portion of the list. Some pony-pundit pairs (PPP’s) include:
Andy Ihnatko: Lipizzaner Stallion (Because they’re both hard to spell.)
John Gruber: Night-Black Mare (Useful for terrorizing PC users.)
David Pogue: NYC Police Horse (Faster than taking the subway!)
Douglas Adams: the ghost of a Clydesdale (Sure he’s dead, but so is the horse. And Douglas deserves something.)
John Moltz: Shetland Pony (Not sure why…)

And so forth. Not all of the pundits on the list went to claim their new pony, but many did. They were told they would receive shipment “within the week” and dozens of rumors site operators and Apple faithful wrote ebullient reviews of the moderately tepid Apple products that were released during the Expo.

Then, a few days later, a truck pulled up to the house, mansion, apartment or villa of each pundit. These trucks were matte gray with nothing but an Apple logo on the side. A driver got out of each truck and went to the door. David Pogue shares his experience:

The driver came to the door and asked if I would sign for a delivery. I said yes, of course, and signed the form. The driver then brought a box to my door, which is odd, because I wouldn’t expect a pony to come in a box. Still, this is Apple we’re talking about, and they do some pretty amazing things with packaging. The box was about three feet square, so I figured it must just be some pony supplies. The driver headed back to the truck and I figured he was going to get the actual pony. Instead he just drove away. I was confused, but I decided to take the huge box in the house and see what it contained.

I got the box open, and instead of chaps and a cowboy hat, there was a one foot tall statue. It’s a beautiful representation of a Police horse in mid-stride. I have it in my office.

Disappointed? Yeah, I was a bit. But now I see that what Apple really gave me is far better than what I was hoping for. And maybe that’s a metaphor for the new versions of iWork and iLife…”

At this point he went off on a 30-minute sermon and we tuned him out.

Other pundits, however, were not so pleased with the gift. “I…I…I wanna wanna ponnnnnyyyyyyyy!” was all we could get out of John Gruber as he thrashed and pounded on the floor and kicked his feet like a spoiled three year old. But it seems that the pony statues have hidden powers that Mr. Pogue, as a respectable New York Times journalist, didn’t discover.⁴
Nicholas Ciarelli shares his experiences:

It looks like a normal statue, until I access the internet. Somehow it’s connected to my iMac, my iPhone, and my MacBook, and whenever I try to access AppleInsider or any other rumors site, all I get is a picture of my horse statue and the words “why do you lie?” If I’m in the same room the statue’s eyes flash and it whinnies at me. That thing is seriously creepy. I’d get rid of it, except, you know, it’s an Apple product, and it’s one of a kind.

Yes, it seems that the Ponies for Pundits are not a new, primitive mode of transportation for largely over-fed new media stars. Instead, they are a wi-fi conscience, ensuring better behavior from those that would detract from Apple’s glory. ⁵

Other rumors sites operators report similar results. For a while they played with calling Apple’s CEO “The Stevefather” but it really didn’t catch on.

As for us here at CANS HQ, we quite like our pony statue, and we can with unsullied conscience continue our high-quality reporting. ⁶

1. three “re”s in one clause! [↩]
2. like the “cold start”? Cinematic effects in blog posts are a sign of fine literature. [↩]
3. they’re only twelve lines of code tall, because Ruby methods are short and agile. [↩]
4. Mr. Gruber may or may not have discovered them. It’s hard to tell, really. [↩]
5. Rumor has it that Mr. Ballmer also got a statue, but we haven’t heard what it looked like. Or what it does… [↩]
6. Note from the Androids: it’s not a pony statue. He took one of his sons’ toy horses and propped it up by his iMac. [↩]

News of a newer, smaller iPhone have been circulating on the web for what, days now.  So we here at CANS decided to do some undercover work to see what we could find out about our favorite trendsetting company’s plans to further revolutionize telecommunications.

Donning our best Steve Wozniak costume¹ we penetrated the outer defenses of the Apple Compound and were able to get to the inner sanctum. Well, the inner waiting room.  We made it past the secretary’s desk, anyway.

What was more surprising was that someone official actually decided to talk to us. In this case it was Scott Forestall, who is no less than SVP of iPhone software, and somewhat miffed that Schiller is speaking at Macworld instead of him.

“I mean, if Steve is gonna blow off the Mac community he should at least let me talk to the iPhone community,” Forestall whined.  “I could really connect with the people, but no, they’ll send Schiller because He’s Steve’s favorite.”

This went on for several more minutes.  After many ones of dollars and some carefully worded compliments² and sublte, indirect questions³ I was able to get him to admit the truth about the photos we’ve all seen on those disreputable rumors sites.

“No, those aren’t cheap knockoffs, like you think.  Oh, we’ve tried to play up that rumor, but really there’s no substance to it.  And they aren’t iPhone nanos, either. At least, not in the way you would think of it.

“You see, the iPhone is a triumph, a symbiosis of art and science; it’s a joining between phone, iPod and PDA.  But it’s more than that.  You can’t create something as perfect as the iPhone.  For that matter, you can’t manufacture them, either.  The truth is, iPhones are grown.”

We asked about this, being frankly stunned.  I mean, this sort of thing is plausible in Douglas Adams books, but not here in the real world, or even the internet.

“Each iPhone is grown on specially modified trees in China, where rules about genetic manipulation are less strict, and you can shoot trespassers, I mean, it’s easier to dissuade trespassers.  Anyway, the trees are normal Apple trees with some specific modifications made to their DNA, so that instead of apples they grow Apples, if you know what I mean.  And the iPhone nanos you’ve been seeing online are, well, under ripe specimens.”

“Like any fruit there are iPhones that don’t quite reach maturity before falling off the tree. They aren’t as good as fully ripe models; the interface is weaker and harder to use, the casing is flimsier, they just aren’t up to Apple’s standards. We do our best to recycle these “green” iPhones, but sometimes people sneak them off the farm before we can get to them.”

At this point the real Woz showed up and I had to get out of the building fast, but I was amazed at the sincerity in Mr. Forestall’s voice, and believe that we here at CANS have finally “scooped” the so-called “big boys” of the Apple news world, and have brought you the real truth, instead of some half-baked rumors.  I for one believe his story. After all, how likely is it that some cheap Taiwanese knock-off artist could make such exact copies of the iPhone in miniature?

1. which is identical to our best George Lucas costume, except for the Segway [↩]
2. “Scott, everyone knows you’re the hippest of Apple’s  SVP’s.” [↩]
3. “Hang on, my G1 is ringing. Man this thing is huge. Say, you aren’t planning on releasing a really small version of the iPhone are you?” [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.
This week: Stacks, Apple’s easy way to make a pile of stuff on the dock look…well, a lot like a pile of stuff on the dock.

Q: Help! Help! Helphelphelp! Help! Help1 Hlephelf help!

A: Sir, or possibly madam, calm down! You’re starting to type like a 9-year-old!

Q: AAAAAAAAAAaauuuugghh!

A: Now you’re a comic strip person.  What do you need?

Q: I [pant pant] need [pant] Steve!

A: I’m sorry?

Q: Steve Jobs! At Macworld! He’s not!

A: Ah. I see. And you-

Q: It’s a conspiracy, you know!

A: A consp…

Q: It’s a conspiracy between Apple and the Terrorist Hedgehogs to stop the Mac goodness from staying pure and unsullied!

A: The Terrorist Hedgehogs?¹

Q: Don’t play dumb.  You know all about the nefarious underground resistance fighters.

A: Are you just spouting random lines from B Sci-fi movies?

Q: And now they’ve undermined-

A: Good metaphor!

Q: -Macworld Expo and we have nothing left to live for! You know you were all excited about the “One More Thing” that was bound to happen this year!  Now what do we have to look forward to?

A: Actually I quite like Phil Schiller…

Q: PHIL FREAKIN’ SCHILLER! We all know what he’s going to talk about. Stupid iPod games.  Again.

A: That does seem likely…

Q: What about Snow Leopard? What about a new version of Time Machine? What about an iMac refresh?  You think Schiller’s gonna talk about these things?

A: There doesn’t seem to be any real reason for me to respond to you…

Q: What about revamping the dashboard into something useful?² What about a brand new 64GB iPod Touch with a black bezel? What about a black mock turtleneck?

A: Hey now, we don’t speak in bold italics on this blog; tone that language down my friend.

Q: Now all of this has been defeated by those libertarian pro-llama red-wing defeatist pinbacks!

A: We also don’t allow, er, species-ist slurs on our blog.  I may have to ask you to leave.

Q: You would, you hedge-lover!

A: …

Q: It’s hard to find a good insult for someone who likes hedgehogs, alright?

A: I can see that.

Q: I mean, they’ve pretty much taken all the fun out of it at that point.

A: Yes.  Well, hopefully-

Q: Much like the Terrorist Hedgehogs have taken all the fun out of Macworld Expo!

A: Okay, I warned you about this already, you’re outta here, my friend.  Androids, if you please?

Q: You can’t silence the truth! I may be dragged kicking and screaming out of this iFAQ, but the truth will prevail! The hedgehogs are organized, and if we don’t act, we won’t have macs! You hedgehogs sympathizers must be stopped!

1. Would be a good name for a band.  Someone let Dave Barry know. [↩]
2. Hint: this is not possible. -ed. [↩]

Steve Jobs today was forced to admit the truth: Apple is really terrible for the environment.

Based on an unknown list of criteria, yet another watchdog group has lambasted Apple for being just really, really terrible for the environment compared to such upstanding companies as Dell and Tesco, which I would know more about if I lived in England.

“You got me,” Jobs said in a private phone call to Ceres headquarters that we may or may not have wiretapped.¹ “We are actually burning down three acres of rain forest for every iPod Touch we sell.  It’s not even part of the manufacturing process or anything, we just really hate any tree that doesn’t produce Apples.” Jobs said, inciting profuse whining from the party on the other end of the line.

“Furthermore,” quoth Jobs, “all that stuff about ‘going green’, reducing our carbon footprint, making our systems more recyclable, and being open about our systems? All false.  We still use coal and steam to stamp out the new MacBook cases.  How did you ever catch us, Granola Joe?”  His tone suggested that he was not being entirely sincere at this point.

“Wght, shertgsh, hurgl… I gotta go lie down!” was all we could get from John Gruber on this topic. One assumes that he’s having another heart attack, but you can see his point.

In a surprise counter attack, we were unavailable for comment this time when Apple tried to reach us for a statement.

1. Using Wiretap pro, which we got from MacHeist II last year. [↩]

Apple has admitted that millions upon millions of viruses are targeted at the Mac operating system, and that every Mac, from the humblest Mini to the greatest Mac Pro to the lightest MacBook Air will soon be a drooling mass of spambots and DDoS attacker clones.

Well, actually they encouraged “the widespread use of multiple antivirus utilities so that virus programmers have more than one application to circumvent, thus making the whole virus writing process more difficult.”

But this minor distinction should not stop us from engaging in large-scale, wholesale panic.  It’s the end of an era, people, and viruses or not, we are going to start getting snobby comments from long-standing (long-suffering?) Windows users.  Again. And more this time.

“Yeah, how do you like that, hippies?” said Rob Enderle, apparently channeling the spirit of Richard Nixon.  “The shoe’s on the other foot now, isn’t it?  Your precious Steve Jobs didn’t save you from the virii in the world, because he can’t!  We’ll get you yet!  You won’t have Rob Enderle to kick around any more!”¹ While syntactically null, this statement goes to further demonstrate the inherent instability of a personality that would deliberately use the word “virii”.

Enderle to one side, now it’s time to start doing pathological system checks, study each and every file in your “Systems” folder, and send emails frothing with exclamation points warning users not to click on icons that look like teddy bears.  Just like the old days, when we used Windows 98.  Remember those days?  Weren’t they great?

Now, I know there are naysayers out there that claim that, with a negligible number of actual live exploits and a better-than-average schedule of system updates and security patches, coupled with a solid Unix foundation, the Mac is not exactly the virus hotel that Windows has become.  But this is just the kind of self-satisfied hubris that is likely to bring the Mac community crashing to the ground in a matter of days as the Mac Apocalypse strikes.  On December 7.  At 7:07 PM.   Which it will do without warning.

Thus far, the news of the Mac Apocalypse has not been widely heeded, and despite Apple’s empassioned pleas for all users to try and thwart this wave of nightmarish evil with the sacrifice of just a few thousand clock cycles per second,² most people say that they “wouldn’t install an anti-virus program on their Mac even if it also played Snood and any two Pangea games of your choice.” ³ Well fine.  That’s your choice.  Just don’t come cryin’ to us when you get p0wned by some 13-year-old Somali computer pirate.  Because we won’t be able to read your emails.  We’re not installing AV software either.

1. This rant funded by the Symantec Corporation [↩]
2. their exact words are, “Here are some available antivirus utilities:” [↩]
3. What is this obsession with Snood, anyway?  It’s really not a very good game at all.  But every Mac user I know who got on the Mac train before Tiger seems to play it. [↩]

Since the launch of the new Mobile Me platform Apple has extended all users’ accounts by at least 90 days, as an apology for the flawed and awkward rollout process. But that just isn’t enough for Steve Jobs, who in a recent meeting decided that the executive board of Apple need to take this “to the next level” and personally apologize to each and every Mobile Me subscriber by bringing them a plate of cookies.

“Starting this Friday, the entire executive team will be out delivering cookies to those whom we have inconvenienced through this Mobile Me launch process,” states an internal memo that was leaked to CANS early this morning.  Our inside source says that Jobs “feels deeply” for all the people who have “had to live without being able to push their calendars to their iPhones and their MacBooks in the same minute” and would like to make it up to them.

This move has been well received by the pundit community.  “It’ll be nice to see Steve Jobs again,” says Merlin Mann, “I mean, I see him all the time already, ’cause he’s always hanging out at my house. But, you know, he’s been busy lately and hasn’t had time to drop by for a while. But we’re totally friends. I’m serious.”

Meanwhile the various Apple execs are working on their individual door approaches.  From Jobs’ typically restrained “We’re sorry that we failed you, here’s some insanely great cookies” to Phil Shiller’s “these cookies are a financially insignificant way to let you know that we care for you personally,” the entire board is working on letting people know that Apple values them and feels their pain.

Details have not surfaced about the size or quantity of the cookies to be distributed, but some blurry photos that could be from the Apple Kitchen reveal the cookies to be Oatmeal Raisin.