Crazy Apple News Site

Here’s why.

This is probably the best excuse I’ll ever have.

It seems appropriate, as the long TV relationship between Mac and PC winds to a close, to bring the two of them into the studio here. But instead of continuing the age-old battle, we thought we’d narrow it to a specific field. Specifically, the $700 mac mini vs. a $700 home-built PC.

It seemed like fun in my head. Now, let’s see how it plays out. Mac will be taking the side of the mac mini, PC, will be taking the side of the homebuilt gaming PC.

Mac: Hello, I’m a Mac.

PC: And I’m a PC.

Moderator: And I’m a moderator. Gentlemen, I brought you here today to discuss $700 systems. Mac, you, of course, have the mac mini, a tiny little box that fits anywhere. PC, you can be built entirely from parts purchased on newegg for that price. mac, let’s start with you. Why would we choose a mac mini?

Mac: ….It doesn’t work if I go first.

Moderator: I’m sorry?

Mac: Yeah, see, the way we do this is I ask PC what’s up, he tells me something that doesn’t apply to me, and then I tactfully ignore that glaring problem while he writhes in misery.

PC: It’s a tried and true system.

Mac: So, if you could just ask PC to defend his point first, I’ll be much more comfortable. Thank you.

Moderator: Well, okay. PC: same question. Why would we want to build a PC from parts for $700?

PC: Well, you get a lot of bang for your buck that way: fast graphics cards, great processors, lots of RAM, hours on the phone with various companies trying to get your rebates back and get RMA numbers for faulty components…

Moderator: Some of that…doesn’t sound so positive.

PC: Well, it’s the total experience, isn’t it? For every really easy install you’ve got at least one part that doesn’t quite fit. But once you’ve done it all you have a machine that’s truly your own, from the ground up. And you know it’s exactly what you want because you built it. Sure, there’s some trials, but that just adds to the feeling of accomplishment when you’re finished.

Moderator: Well, that sounds good. Mac, your response.

Mac: Hmm? oh, sorry, I was just surfing the web, playing StarCraft II, and emailing photo albums of this awesome trip me and my photogenic friends took to Sundance last year. Yeah, I just pull the mini out of the box, set it up, and I’m good to go.

PC: But what about options? what about upgrades?

Moderator: Mac, your response?

Mac: I can upgrade the RAM in here in like, three seconds.

PC: and the hard drive?

Mac: …That’s what AppleCare is for! What happens when your homebrew box breaks down?

PC: I spend a few hundred dollars and fix it. What about you?

Mac: APPLECARE!

Moderator: Gentlemen, let’s move on. Next topic: software. PC, where does the custom rig really shine?

PC: Anywhere I put LEDs of course. But I kid. No, the strong suite is, without a doubt, games. I will always have a siiiiiiick video card, tons of RAM, and enough processors to choke a camel. So I can play any game at any resolution. And I can do anything any other windows machine can do.

Mac: But not the stuff I can do. No iWork, no iLife, no Coda, Transmit, Scrivener, UNIX, XCode, or any of the other rich tools you get with any mac. Oh, and you get to run anti-virus software all the time as well.

PC: You know, you sound like a recap of every commercial we ever did right now.

Mac: Playing my strong card, buddy.

Moderator: Well gentlemen, this has been very enlightening, and not as funny as we’d hoped. I’m disappointed. But thank you for your time anyway, I guess. Mac, go catch a shave, PC, go buy some new suit coats and we’ll see you all next time at our next fireside chat.

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we respond to Apple’s latest, greatest new product. No, not the Magic Trackpad. The Magic Trackpad is just part of a MacBook Pro Gone AWOL. No, this week we talk about the Amazing, the Incredible, the Apple Battery Charger.

Q: Really?

A: Really.

Q: This isn’t like, some hoax to get us to talk about the Magic Mouse, or the Magic Trackpad, or the Less-Magic iPhone 4–

A: Whoa whoa whoa! We don’t say the “i-4″ word around here, son!

Q: Right, right, sorry. So, you really want me to ask questions about a battery charger.

A: And I will answer them. Right. Go ahead.

Q: Okay, well, um… how about this: “Why did Apple decide to make a battery charger?”

A: I’m glad you asked!

Q: Hey, that’s what I don’t get paid for around here.

A: You see, since the dawn of time¹ mankind has had to replace batteries in things that need power but not cords.

Q: Yep.

A: Things like Walkmen, Electric Cheese Graters, or poorly made radio-control cars from Radio Shack, all have needed some way to convert stored chemical energy into electric energy.

Q: Wake me when the infomercial is over, ‘kay?

A: But this poses a problem: putting batteries in landfills is like stabbing the Earth in the face. Over and over and over.

Q: That got needlessly graphic in a hurry, now didn’t it?

A: It did indeed my friend, it did indeed. But Lo! On the horizon! Who is that that approacheth? Who cometh with a solution in his outstretched hands, borne on wings of brushed aluminum?

Q: And now we’ve gone all the way to needlessly messianic.

A: Behold! The Great Steve! He reaches down, and bestows upon the earth a way to significantly reduce the damage done to our dear earth mother, while still enjoying the benefits of wireless devices of all sorts!

Q: As long as they take AA batteries…

A: And in his great wisdom he has finally rid the charger of its vampiric ways, reducing its needless consumption of electricity by a fulsome 90%!

Q: And now he’s a vampire hunter. What happened to your continuity people?

A: They’re sitting on the couch behind me watching Ice Age 3. But that’s not important now.

Q: Good movie though. If you like needless sequels.

A: I do. Now… Dangit. I lost my train of thought.

Q: Let’s see here, um… “fulsome 90%…” is where you left off, I think.

A: Right, right. Fulsome. Lotsa savings. Look, I can’t get back into that groove. I’ma try a new one. Dude.

Q: [sighs]

A: So, anyway, if you like, need your Apple fix, but, like, you also care about all Our Fellow Creatures, then this is, like, exactly what you need.

Q: You’re too young, son. Your hippie/beach-boy thing just doesn’t work.

A: Yeah. Anyway, look, cool silvery batteries, cool charger, works in your periperals, buy it, done.

Q: Um, yeah, okay.

A: You just threw me off of my game, is all.

Q: Sorry…?

A: Yeah, look, it’s fine. Whatever.

Q: “Isn’t Ellie supposed to be the one with the hormonal imbalance?”

A: What?

Q: Sorry. Just quoting Ice Age 3.

1. January 1, 1970. The start of the UNIX epoch [↩]

(Since iPhone 4 fever is still going–albeit waning– we are pleased to bring you a newly unearthed journal written by Liliburn H. Jobs shortly after he settled in what was to become Cupertino. Only a few entries are still legible; the journal was found in a box tangled in the roots of a tree.)

March 21st, 1864: I was right! The tree in our north pasture is indeed an apple tree. Lisa and I have a new wager: I say it’s a Macintosh, she says Golden Delicious. We shall see. Our house construction comes along well, although we continue to await our shipment from the glazier.

August 4th, 1864: Lisa owes me again! That tree is indeed a Macintosh. When I took my first bite of it’s fruit, it was like a great, solemn chime rang out, sonorous and simple. I have named this tree “Apple 2″ because Lisa lost two bets to me on this tree. We still await our shipment from Washington. Our house is nearly finished, but still a bit drafty.

October 12th, 1864: at long last our windows arrived from Redmond. We installed them into their frames, but are not pleased with the results. EAch of the four panes has a different tint, one blue, one green, one yellow, one red. In addition, there have been a number of holes that we have had to patch, and a number of bugs seem to sneak through the frame. It is a wonder to me that these windows are so popular. I’ve half a mind to go into business competing with these know-nothings from the north, but I fear it may be too late to make significant headway in that market. I’ve got to think different.

(The iPhone 4 thing is still raging out of control and making all Apple news in this universe really boring, mean-spirited, and depressing. So we are posting an article form AR-CANS, the Alternate Reality Crazy Apple News Site. They are writing about the new iPhone 3GRS¹ which was the follow-up to the 3G in their universe. Other than that, I’m told, their universe is pretty similar to ours.)

Many young fish have asked me if the 3GRS will be as airproof and gelatin-proof as it’s predecessor. There’s no denying that those weekend trips to Alpha Proxima were greatly facilitated by the aerophobic and geleophobic coatings Apple put on their iPhone flipper-held devices. But even with UniversCell technology, it seems that some calls were getting dropped in the outer reaches of the Oort cloud, where massive uncharted astral bodies could make it hard to get a signal. This of course explains the gelatin: anything submersed in gelatin has its signal strength boosted significantly, as you all know. this is why the Ensign, Gel-Class is such a coveted and enviable position on any starbus.

Well, the answer, my icthiods, is yes, the 3GRS retains the full body geleophobic coating that you have grown to love and trust in your flippertop app phone. Steve Cods assures us that the hypersolar market will be “the main audience” of all upcoming releases of the iPhone.

In other news, Microsoft doesn’t exist in this reality. But Linux lost another 2 percent of the shoal-top market, with Apple and BeOS picking up one percentage point apiece…

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Look, I gotta stop there. I was told these guys were pretty similar to us, but BeOS picking up market share? That’s just too weird.

1. “RS” stands for “Really Speedy” [↩]

(note: since our current Crazy Apple News coverage is on break, we are borrowing from one of our temporal affiliates, the Future Apple News Site)
(Second Note: Technically, this whole post should have a thing that says “with apologies to William Gibson. But I’m not apologizing until he does. He knows what he did.)

Product Comparison: iDeck vs. The Ono-Sendai Hosaka Deck

The venerable Apple, Inc.’s entry into the cyberspace deck market has spurred a considerable amount of conversation and speculation. Will Apple’s years of interface experience give them an edge over the current market leader from Ono-Sendai? Or will cyber cowboys reject this more consumer-driven device?

In many ways, the devices are similar: they both work with the industry standard Hitachi 40 point connectors, although they both require a special adapter to do so. They both offer a gateway into cyberspace, of course. However, the iDeck’s streamlined simstim interface will make it easier for “iCowboys” to jack into other peoples’ sensory feeds, as well as connecting to construct ROMs. The iDeck is also more portable, and offers higher resolution thanks to Apple’s advanced ‘trode placement band.

On the other hand, supporters of the Hosaka point out that the older, battle tested deck offers greater customization potential, as you can jack any program into your deck, whereas the iDeck will only run apps purchased in Apple’s virtual AppStore, which incidentally is where you will find yourself whenever you jack in.

“Look, we all know Apple is never going to approve anything from Huang, and there are times where you need some specialized….security software,” said the construct of Case, one of Cyberspace’s premier cowboys. “The iDeck is fine for casual users, but corporate customers aren’t going to try to do business with the Yaki without some good tools on their side. And for now, all the best business software is written for the Hosaka.”

Apple points out that iHack ’35, their premiere security testing suite, will be available in August, but industry pundits remain skeptical.

“if you think iHack is going to be anything like as powerful as the stuff we’re seeing out of Night City you need to check behind your ear for a loose microsoft,” Case’s recorded personality said.

In other news, Microsoft announced that Windows CyberDeck XLT will be available in the Sprawl early next year, making it 47 years since they released CyberDeck 28.

This is just to let you know that we are officially taking a break until this whole iPhone 4 thing blows over.¹
Because frankly, we’re tired of it. The only Apple news on the block is the iPhone 4. No new macs, no new iPods/iPads, or updates to OSX or any of the other stuff that is actually interesting or any fun. It’s all antennae and their problems, as far as the eye can see. It makes it hard to scrounge up material, especially if you’re as lazy as we are. It kinda goes like this:

8:02: “Well, I’ll see what’s out there about Apple. Something funny must be happening”

8:03: “Hmmm, Pogue thinks the iPhone is good. No surprise. Gruber thinks people who don’t think the iPhone is good are bad. Yep. Yep.”

8:04 “Would ‘the iPhone: Will it kill your entire family?’ be a good article? Bleh, no! C|Net already did that one. Well, probably. It sounds like something they would do.”

8:06 “Maybe I could start a ‘Crazy Windows News Site…wait, that’s Paul Therrot’s site. Too bad.”

8:07 “Maybe I should go into something less crazy.”

And that’s no way to run a humor site. So I will start writing funny things about things when something funny starts happening. Thank you very much.

1. the past few weeks have been an unofficial break [↩]

Since we actually got an iFAQ out the door on Friday we figured we’d celebrate by giving you a sneaky peek into the parts that don’t make it into the final edit, the footage that hits the cutting room floor. And hopefully by so doing we will also give you a greater appreciation for all the work we do around here while you’re out gallivanting around with your fancy friends.

Anyway, here’s the clips:¹

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A: “And the Armadillo was all ‘yeah, but I just BOUGHT this shirt!”

[Laughter]

Q: Dude, everyone already knows that joke. It’s like, it’s a thousand years old.

Producer: Guys? We’re rolling.

Q: Crap! Right. Ahem. Hrm. Look, it’s a phone. It’s just a phone. What makes your [starts laughing] I just got it [laughs] He just BOUGHT that shirt!

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Q: Oh, yeah, that new iOS. It’s based on OS sex right?

[Laughter from booth]

Q: Whoa, forgot, I’m on CANS, not CARS.

A: What cat is THAT named after?

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A: The Retina Display has a surprisingly high pixel density, yes.

Q: …

A: Yes, very, very high.

Q: …

A: Lotsa pixels there.

Q: … Sorry, what? Oh yeah. It’s got glassy RAM or something, look, I was reading over next week’s script, and it got me all confused. Can we try again?

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Q: Dork.

A: Nerd.

Q: Jerkface.

A: Monkeyhead.

Producer: Guys? Can… can we get back to the script?

Q: Just a second, we’re almost done here. Windows User.

A: OS/2 Aficionado.

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A: Yep, it’s shtable, sholid, and hash more …. blerb bleoo bleh. Whoo! Let’s try that again.

[Laughter]

A: Need to warm up a bit. Blrblrblbrlblrb. “I saw a sheet a sheet I slit upon the slitted sheet I sit”² Okay, I’m good. Can we start again?

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A: Oooooh, them’s fightin’ words, pal.

Q: You wascaly wabbit!

[Laughter]

A: Whal Tarnation! My Biscuits are burnin’!

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A: Your Grandma.

Q: She runs Linux on a… dangit, what was it? A wolf pack? Something? Beowulf cluster? So it like, cuts the arms off of a WHOLE BUNCH of monsters? Okay, let’s go again. Sorry Grandma.

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And there you have it! We hope you enjoyed this little glimpse at life inside the iFAQ studio.

1. in your brain, the Horizontal Rules should sound like “boop” [↩]
2. Pretty much the only thing I remember from Choir in High School. Yes I was in Choir in High School. Don’t judge me! [↩]

Every Friday we fail to publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we talk about the one thing that changes everything: the iPhone. Again!

Q: So, it’s got a really pixelly screen, right?

A: The Retina Display has a surprisingly high pixel density, yes.

Q: And it’s got more RAM, right? and, like, two cameras?

A: We don’t talk about RAM on Apple products. But yes, there is a front facing camera now.

Q: And it’s made out of glass or something, right?

A: These are just barely questions.

Q: Look, it’s a phone. It’s just a phone. What makes your iPhone so special?

A: Well, there’s an OS that actually works–

Q: Oh, yeah, that new iOS. It’s based on OSX, right? So I guess that’s pretty cool.

A: Yep. It’s stable, solid, and has more available apps than any other mobile platform

Q: For more money than any other platform! Oh, and it gets built in advertising! I mean that’s a Google move if ever I heard of one.

A: Oooooh, them’s fighting words, pal.

Q: Look, don’t get me wrong, Apple’s a business, right? We all know that. So they need a way to make ever more money on things. But when I’m using an App I don’t want to be interacting emotionally with the ads. I want to be flinging birds at green pigs in improbable buildings.

A: Oh yeah? Well, yeah, okay. But still, it’s better to have it all centralized and pretty, right?

Q: Sure, if you’re already an Apple fan. But who else is going to think that draconian vetting of ads in apps that are in a store that already has draconian vetting–

A: Your grandma.

Q: She runs Linux on a Beowulf cluster, dude. Look, I know what you’re trying to say: people who aren’t tech savvy don’t really care where the ads or the apps are coming from. So fine. But we should have some kinda choice, right? I mean, look at OSX: it’s all kinds of open. And it benefits from it. ANYBODY can write an application for the Mac and as a result, there are some great ones out there.

A: You got mean when you got sick, you know that?

Q: Sorry, dude. Gettin’ all dehydrated in a park whilst surrounded by Apple freaks didn’t do much for my mood.

A: Well, we’ll forgive it for now. But remember: mean is only okay when it’s funny.

Q: Okay. And you remember: don’t talk about presentation until the mics are off.

A: What? Oh, Dangit! I always forget–

The FCC, CIA, and FDA have started a joint investigation into the design of Apple’s latest update to the Mac Mini.
“We are concerned that the elegance and beauty of the new Mac Mini will influence the way people watch TV, as it will almost invariably be added to entertainment centers around the world.” said an FCC representative. “I mean, that thing can store every episode of LOST in HD, which is bad for reruns.”

“We are worried that the new unibody enclosure of the Mac Mini will affect people much like a drug, forcing people to buy more and more Minis until they can buy nothing else,” wrote the FDA. “We haven’t stopped thinking about it since it was announced.”

“We jumped in because there’s not a whole lot to do these days, what with the FBI taking over pretty much all of our work,” Said the CIA¹ .

Here at CANS we are trying to save up enough pennies to conduct our own research into the effects of the new Mac Mini’s HDMI port on our 23″ monitor that is currently connected to a loathsome Dell laptop. We estimate we will have the required number of pennies (70,000) by the middle of 2014.

1. At least, that’s what they want you to think… [↩]