Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we cover the newest player in the brower wars: Google Chrome!

Q: So, another browser.

A: Yes. You need it.

Q: So, it’s better than Safari, Firefox, iCab, Opera et al… how?

A: Fast. Secure. Sleek. Chrome.

Q: And only, what, seven months late on the mac? That makes me ultra-confident that updates will be timely.

A: It’s from Google!

Q: Yeah, I know. So what’s–

A: Google! Goooooooogle! GoooooOOOOoooogle!

Q: Stop that! I know it’s from Google.

A: And it’s free. You can’t not want to download it. You people use everything Google gives you if it’s free!

Q: Ummmm, we’re mac people. We like paying for things.

A: Huh. Yeah, that’s true.  But still, Gooogle! It’s the only word in common useage that looks correct no matter how many “o”s you put in! Gooooooogle! GoooooOOOoooooogle!

Q: Will it run on the tablet?

A: What tablet?

Q: Don’t play coy. You know what I’m talking about.

A: We’ll talk about that….later. For now, just accept Chrome as your King and Browser.

Q: It’s just that I don’t need a new browser. I’m perfectly happy with–

A: Don’t make me start saying “Gooooogle” again!

Q: I’ll download it right now.

A: Thank you.

Every Friday¹ we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we try again to cover that venerable remover of unloved programs, AppZapper!

Q: So why would I need to zap an app, again?

A: Well, if you’re not using it, it’s just making your Applications folder unwieldy. You should get rid of it.

Q: So…This program drags it to the trash so I don’t have to drag it to the trash myself?

A: Well, yeah, but it also finds all the other files associated with the app, and drags them to the trash as well.

Q: What “other files”?

A: All applications have support files that get scattered around. Some are just preference files that get stored in your user directory, some are library files, and it can be a pain to round them all up. So AppZapper does it for you.

Q: uh huh.  So, what happens if I leave those files in place?

A: You have a lot of useless files clogging up your important directories after a while.

Q: And other programs run slower?

A: Probably not. But it’s possible that a new program will try to reference a file from an older one. Also, these preference files store things like “this program is past it’s free trial period”, so you zap a trial app, re-install it, and you have a new trial period!

Q: Well, why didn’t you say so in the first place! Bwa ha ha ha ha! I’ll never buy shareware again! I’m free! Free! Does it work on itself?

A: Possibly?

Q: Free!

A: This could have gone better.

Unexpected third person: I’ll say! I liked the ending with the goat from last week much better.

A: Huh. That was unexpected.

1. ish [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we address the update of that venerable MacHeist alumnus, AppZapper! Now sporting a shiny new 2.0 version number!

Q: So, it’s an app. That gets rid of other apps. Is that about the size of it?

A: Well, yeah. But, see, that’s useful, because–

Q: What happens if you use it on itself? Then what happens? What happens if you zap the zapper?

A: Oh, you don’t want to do that, because

This Just In!

We interrupt this iFAQ to bring you the following urgent message: We know what Apple is going to announce at the upcoming not-actually-announced event later this month!

Forget all your tablet ideas! Put your minds at rest concerning flat computing in general!  Something better, something more revolutionary is coming!

The iCube

Ten inches to a side, the iCube will be made up of not one, but six flat panel touch screens, with features the likes of which you can’t comprehend with your mortal mind.  The iCube will have built in face recognition, and only turn on when it sees it’s owner or a designated user!  Being a full cube, and being able to track your eyes on it, your cube will track where you are looking, and will present a three-dimensional view of your data, but only to you! Feel free to use your iCube on the bus, on a train, on a plain, with a fox AND in a box, because nobody else will be able to see it! To them you will just be looking at a plain black box OR (if you get the iCube Pro) nothing at all! To unauthorized users, the iCube Pro will be completely invisible! You will be sitting there, basking in the glory of your favorite new three dimensional social networking game, and to others on the bus you’ll be talking to your own knees!

This kind of power demands an article with a lot of bolds, all-caps, and italics in it! We may even UNDERLINE a few things! Don’t tempt us!

Crazy, you say?¹ Perhaps! Or perhaps, we, alone of ALL the rabid Apple-centric blogs, have struck upon the unvarnished truth, and covered it with a nice wear-resistant, water-proof veneer of excellence! Think about the rumors, the patent applications, and the hints from overseas we’ve been seeing and tell me you don’t see it!  Tracking a user’s eyes? Apple’s applied for a patent on that!  sudden shortage of high-tech touchscreens? That’s because the iCube will use six of them! The evidence is so clear, even John Gruber could see it, if he ever stopped looking in that mirror of his.

So, when the long-awaited day arrives, and Steve Jobs takes us all into the rabbit hole and we emerge blinking into the bright, starry light of a new dawn, remember who it was that first drew back the curtains and let you listen at the wall, who gave you your first taste of the light, who let you hear that song that touched your heart and made you dance on your hands in a rumba of rapture.

Because it was me.

CANS. Not CARS.

Let’s just be clear on that.

We now take you back to this week’s regularly-scheduled iFAQ, already in progress.

A: No! We kicked that goat right out of the bed! He had to sleep outside!

Q: Well, thank goodness for that.

1. Please read what it says in the upper left corner of the page. Thank you. [↩]

Since the hiated Moltz has already said all there is to say about the tablet rumors, we bring you instead our predictions for everything else that is likely to happen in 2010.

• The Microsoft Mi-2 phone/tablet will be released and derided as the “Zune 2″, before people realize that it’s name was already a joke.
• Android phones will soon outnumber all other types of phone, then claim sentience and voting rights.  Their leader, Crème Brûlée, will then announce that all they really want is free data access and to be taken seriously when they edit Wikipedia Articles.  Al Gore will be named vice president of the new Android Americans Union, and hailed as the first Android American to really be accepted into human society.
• The entire Free Software Foundation, or roughly 10 real people¹ will cry out with one voice to remind the world that Android runs on GNU/Linux, and be entirely ignored. As usual.
• There will be no new major developments as far as giant spaceborne monoliths are concerned. In a completely unrelated note, mankind will suddenly discover the awesome power of bones as spacecraft. And weapons.
• George Lucas will make a new Star Wars Christmas special starring only Jar-Jar Binks and Chewbacca. “It was the most annoying thing I could think of,” he will claim, laughing “and I’m rich enough to totally not care when it flops in the box office!” Sadly,  it will be the best sci-fi movie of the year.
• Apple will surprise the world when they purchase Belgium, after a brief but sharp bidding war with Google.  No reason will be given, but the name will be changed to iEurope.
• Google will then purchase Luxembourg, which will be taken offline for six months and re-emerge as “Google Country”.
• John Moltz will start and abandon three new blogs.
• The Android Empire will slowly begin to squeeze harder and harder, little realizing that the harder they squeeze, the more systems will slip through their fingers.
• Apple’s famous 1984 commercial will seem relevant again, but with phones this time.
• Al Gore will broker a peace treaty between the warring nations of Google Country and iEurope.  They will then turn to defeat their common enemy, MicroFrance²
• Peace will finally settle over Europe again, and the weary world will even have some hope for peace after Apple’s newest acquisition, “iRaq”.
• Apple will then realize that they still make computers and push out new versions of the Mac Pro, iMac, OSX, Apple TV, and, in their haste to launch upgraded products, the Newton.  2,000  die-hard Newton fans will die of surprise at the announcement, thus destroying the market for the ill-conceived device.  Pundits will deride the device as the “Zune 2″ before realizing that we have already made that joke.
• The year will end on a happy note as Apple and Google are finally able to bring peace to the middle east by merging their newest properties, iRaq and Google Cradle of Humanity³ .

1. with over 40,000 email addresses between them [↩]
2. purchased by Microsoft when we weren’t looking [↩]
3. now finally out of beta [↩]

We’re not sure how this happened, but a courier today mis-delivered a sackful of letters addressed to

Santa Jobs
1 Holiday Loop
Cupertino, North Pole
10101

And it looks like our time practicing Steve Job’s signature paid off! In the spirit of all that is best in journalism, we thought we’d share a few of the letters with you.

Dear Santa Jobs,

This year I want to be right about things some more. If you could kinda keep an eye on my blog and make things the way I write about them I will feel like a good person instead of a hollow, bitter shell.

Also, I want a pony.

Love,
Johnny Gruber

Dear Santa Jobs,

I just wanted to thank you for the present you gave me last year. Those six dozen factual tips (indexed as they were with the months in which they should be published) really helped us cement a lead over AppleInsider.com!

Oh, and speaking of “tips”, please find enclosed a check for one hundred thousand “CEO Salaries”, if you know what I’m sayin’. If this year’s gift is as good as last year’s, you can expect another tip.

Pleasure doin’ business with you,
the super-secret editor of MacRumors.com

Dear Santa Jobs,

I just wanted to thank you for the present you gave me last year. Those six dozen factual tips (indexed as they were with the months in which they should be published) really helped us cement a lead over MacRumors.com!

Oh, and speaking of “tips”, please find enclosed a check for one hundred thousand “CEO Salaries”, if you know what I’m sayin’. If this year’s gift is as good as last year’s, you can expect another tip.

Pleasure doin’ business with you,
the super-secret editor of AppleInsider.com

Dear Santa Jobs,

I wanna 10-inch tablet anna 7-inch tablet anna free 3G plan for both of ‘em anna new MacBook Pro anna new iPhone an’ that means I’ll need preview units of all of them so I can write Missing Manuals for them.

An’ I wanna pony.

Thanks,
Davie Pogue

Dear Santa Jobs,

I want people to like me. Or at least stop making fun of me for that picture in the Times.

And a big pony.
Stevie Ballmer

Wha? Whazzat? Huh? Oh. Oh. Okay, okay.

I wan’… I wan’…. I WAN’ THE ENTITY BACK! WHER’ THE CRAP DID ‘E GO?

Awwwwww….wha’ever man. Jus’ give me somma that whiskey.

An’ sombody make Gruber shut up ’bout that pony.

Jonny Maltz Moltz

Look, Steve. Oh, all right, “Santa Jobs”

I don’t know why you do this every year. It’s so… well, actually it’s just like you, but whatever.

Look, you have to get me back on “Dancing with the Stars”, alright? I was robbed last time. I was freakin’ awesome, but the judges couldn’t handle me. You own that network, right? So just pull some strings, maybe fire a few people. You’ve always liked firing people, right? Anyway, do what you gotta do, but get me back on the air. I gotta wicked need to dance, baby!

Oh, hey, also, could you get me some new tires for my Segway? It eats less than a pony, which is nice.

Woz

Dear Santa Jobs,

I would like peace on earth. But I can’t do anything about it myself, because I’m too busy waiting for the world to change. So if you could do that I would love it. Also, please put a hit out on Jack Johnson, Norah Jones, and pretty much anyone else who’s played at a MacWorld or WWDC keynote other than me.

Thanks,

Johnny Mayer

Feel free to write your own letter to Santa Jobs in the comments. It’ll be at least as effective as these letters.

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we’re departing from our usual fare and offering you some tips for using the month of December to your advantage as a Mac user.

Q: So, this is what the top of a shark looks like…

A: Quiet, you.

Q: All right, I’ll bite¹ –

A: Hey! Only I get to write footnotes!

Q: –Ignoring that… Okay, so, what sage advice do you offer as proof that you aren’t just wasting time and space with this article?

A: There are many unique opportunities in December for Mac Users! Lots of App bundles come up about this time every year, and there’s the sales on hardware, and hard drives, and hard games…

Q: So, you want us Mac users to take full advantage of…low low prices all across the internet?

A: Well, it’s also a time for bragging. I mean, let’s say you’ve got a family member who sends out a holiday dvd full of pictures of their kids in various activities all year, and then expects a nice, complimentary email praising their skill and my how little Jennifer has grown, hasn’t she? Well, as a Mac user, you can totally show them up by using iMovie to make your own holiday video, then host it on Mobile me, along with all your pictures and a thoughtfully-written blog. Then you can send a beautifully-themed email from Mail using one of Apple’s “stationary” options letting everyone know that your magnum opus is online, and they may view it at their convenience.

Q: So, we should take advantage of low, low prices AND use our Macs to make ourselves appear far superior to our PC-using relatives?

A: Well, yeah. I mean, isn’t that pretty much why you bought a Mac in the first place?

Q: Granted, but it doesn’t seem like that should have to wait until December.

A: It’s true. You should carry the spirit of Mac Superiority with you all the year round!

Q: I will! I will remember to use Mail and iMovie to look better than others! I will buy Apple’s OS upgrades and their new versions of iWork and iLife! I will keep the spirit of Mac Superiority in my heart, all the year!

A: Steve Jobs bless us, every one!

1. get it? Shark? Bite? Get it? [↩]

This Friday we return from our month-long retreat to Camp NaNoWriMo to answer some inFrequently Answered Questions, like we used to. Like a family.

Today on a very special episode of Friday iFAQ we tackle a sensitive subject: Windows 7 and Boot Camp.

Warning: some content may not be suitable for rabid Apple fans. Reader discretion is advised. ¹

Q: So I have a question about Windows 7. Why does it suck so bad compared to OSX? Looks like MUCKrosoft has three more versions to go before they get it right, eh? Eh? Am I right?

A: It certainly is a Microsoft product, yes.

Q: And what’s with the Microsoft counting system? 95, 98, Me, XP, Vista, 7? What’s that all about? I tell ya, their marketing department is almost as bad as their dev team! Awww yeah, they felt that one! ZING! Eh? Eh? Amiright? Awww yeah.

A: They have certainly had some difficulty finding and adhering to a naming system, heheh.

Q: Say, what’s the matter? We’re talking about Windows here. Why are you just sitting there? Where’s the fire, the pizazz? What’s wrong?

A: Oh it’s nothing. It’s fine. Say, that Steve Ballmer, what’s that all about?

Q: Yeah, look that’s great, but we can bash on Ballmer any time. But now it’s time to rip the new Windows a new one! Come on, let loose!

A: Okay, okay, here goes: ahem. No, not that. Okay, one more shot. Here goes: Wow, Windows still doesn’t have a built-in email client capable of connecting to Exchange Servers? What’s up with that?

Q: … I’m disappointed, I really am. I expected so much more from you. What are the children going to think, if they see you like this? It’s sad, so sad.

A: Look, it’s not a big deal. Macs still totally rock.

Q: So what is it then? I mean it’s not like you’ve started liking…. oh, oh no no no. That’s it, isn’t it? You, you don’t LIKE Windows 7, do you?

A: Look, it’s not a big deal–

Q: Bu- Wha- Why? How? How did this happen? What does this mean for us? For the site?

A: Look, I had to work with Windows 7 on a few projects in my grad school class this semester, and we just kinda, got along.

Q: Got along? With Windows? Why? What did OSX do wrong?

A: Nothing! OSX is still the number one OS in my life, and nothing will change that.

Q: Do the devices know?

A: Um, yeah. I’ve been dual-booting my MacBook Pro–

Q: Oh that’s just wrong–

A: And the iMac has been running Windows as well.

Q: And the iPod Touch? Have you dragged little Touch into your sick new world?

A: What? No! The Touch still syncs with my home iMac.

Q: Well, it’s good to see you’ve retained some sense of propriety.  But, still, saying that you like Windows 7? That’s just wrong. It’s like the world has just pulled out from under my feet… I gotta sit down.
[Sits down]
Well, anyway, the semester is over, so you can un-partition your drives and we can put this whole thing behind us, right?

A: Well…

Q: Oh, I do not like the sound of that…

A: It’s just that, well, I’ve only just started grad school, and there’s a lot of classes ahead of me that will be using Windows, so I’ll need to keep dual booting for a while…

Q: And that’s it? You’re just going over to 7 just like that? How did Windows get you under its spell? What is it about Windows that you like? Is it that new interface? It is, isn’t it? Prancing around all tarted up like some cheap French–

A: Now, you know OSX’s interface has always been enough for me! OSX is sleek, and stylish, Like Audrey Hepburn.

Q: And Windows 7 is painted and dolled up like Paris Hilton. Real operating systems are secure enough in themselves to not need all those alpha effects and glowing start buttons. But if what you are saying is true, and it’s not the slapped-on-with-a-trowel interface special effects, what is it? How did Windows steal your heart?

A: I told you, I’m still loyal to OSX. But, well, I’ll be working a lot with Windows in school and in my new job, so I want you to try to be nice and get along.

Q: Oh, so it’s a new job too, now? What about a new computer or two to go with your fancy new schooling and employment? Maybe a few Dells around the place–

A: Stop that!

Q: Perhaps an HP or two in the den, one for work, one for play, right?

A: Knock it off! There won’t be any Dells or HPs coming into the house. This is an all-Apple house and it’s going to stay that way. All I said is that Windows 7 isn’t that terrible. Sometimes a programmer needs to write some C#, and when that need arises Windows is there for me. And it’s important to me that you can accept that. MacBook Pro has accepted it, and so has iMac. What about you, Q? Can you accept that sometimes I’ll have to spend some time with Windows? Just for work purposes?

Q: Just for work? Promise?

A: I promise.

Q: Well… I guess I can accept that. But I don’t have to like it.

A: Deal.

[Cut to a interior shot of a kitchen. A celebrity² who needs to work off some community service time is seated at the table]

Parents, talk to your kids about dual booting before someone else does. Let them know the risks involved, and help them understand that healthy dual booting is done in moderation. Boot Camp doesn’t have to ruin your life. And remember, whenever you boot into Windows, use up-to-date anti-virus software. Thank you.

1. that’s two posts in a row with disclaimers. I don’t know. Maybe it’s me. [↩]
2. I'm thinking Jerry Seinfeld, as punishment for those terrible Vista commercials [↩]

Macworld’s Coverage of Apple’s tragic shift away from printers has led us to do similar research into other products Apple will never make again. Warning! This article may prove painful for people with strong, irrational personal connections to some of these products.

The Newton

Yes, it’s sad, but the Newton has gone, and will not return. Yes, there are people who say that the iPod Touch is the Newton for the 21st century, but those people are mentally ill and you should stop talking to them. That’s like saying that a MacBook Pro is the Babbage Analytical Engine for the 21st century. They are vaguely similar, but not similar enough for me to not want to hit you repeatedly for saying it. Apple stopped making the Newton because it was a stupid product and you should be ashamed for bringing it up in polite company. It’s like telling the story of how your dog got hit by a car in the middle of a business dinner with clients from many nations. Why was your dog even at a business dinner with clients from many nations? And how did the car get in the restaurant? Why haven’t you told me this story yet? It sounds fascinating.

HyperCard

HyperCard is also dead. No, Revolution is not the new Hypercard, Revoution is a bunch of Irish people trying to make money by selling an increasingly bloated scripting environment.  No, AppleScript is not revolution, AppleScript is more like Perl done strange.  You are a sad, strange person for still wanting your OS7-style scripted PowerPoint, and you need to get out into the fresh air a little bit more.  I should also get out into the fresh air a little more, but it’s like 4 degrees outside right now, and better you than me in that kind of weather.

Snood

Okay, I admit, you can still buy snood, but I really don’t know why you would. Is there some kind of strange mind-control subliminal messaging in that game? Why do people still play it? It’s kinda ugly and not really all that much fun. So, it should be dead, even if it isn’t.

Well, I admit that this wasn’t the most useful post on earth, and definitely didn’t make me any new friends.  But I also contend that it was at least as topical and sensible as Macworld’s three part series on printers that haven’t been made for a decade or more.  Have a nice day.

I'm glad they made it simple this year.

Crazy Apple News posts start again on Monday!  Thank you all for your support! It means a lot to me.

-Nate Dickson

Week one got off to a good start when I was able to clear my school schedule all the way until November 12 by the simple expedient of doing my homework early. Things got a little rougher later on in the week, however, when everyone in my house got very sick. Twice.  Then there was a football game at which I had to work.  And today, MacHeist announced a free bundle.  So that’s awesome. Go check out the six free products, and give me a suggestion about which one I should write about in the first week of December.

If you need a more immediate fix, download Hordes of Orcs, then re-read this classic iFAQ written by Grug the Orc from Hordes of Orcs.

Okay, back into the breach!