“Man, the new iPod Touch? What’s that all about? It’s just an iPhone without the phone, man. Just a really fast gaming device. Just an awesome display for your emails, books, music, and video. Like I would want that! Whatever!” said Isaac N., noted Apple critic.

“Yeah, and that touch screen nano? How am I supposed to read a book on that screen? It’s way too small!” he continued. When informed that the new nano doesn’t display books, but just plays music, he had a hard time with that as well. “Oh great! So now I Can’t read books either! Useless, I tell you! Useless!”

Critics were equally hard pressed to find fault with the new Apple TV.

“Well, sure it’s only $99, and yeah, I guess streaming from any computer in your house, or the internet, or Netflix is kinda cool, but what about…erm…what about…penguins? Yeah! What about set top penguins?” Asked John Cleese, although we’re pretty sure he was joking.

Apple was unavailable to answer his penguin-related questions.

Meanwhile, actual human beings are reported as being interested in (if not excited by) the changes Apple made to the iPod lineup. The “excited” part will come when they get a new iPod during the winter gift-giving holidays.

1. We’ll talk about iTunes 10 tomorrow

Not for us the predictions of a new Apple TV, or the demise of the once-glorious iPod Classic. No, we seek wilder, weirder skies than these. This, then, is our ten least likely predictions.

1. Fat.
   Nano.
   Touch.
2. The whole event is actually being held because Steve Jobs is tired of the terrible music people are making in GarageBand, will be spent with him at an iMac, writing an elaborate ballad in his favorite loop based music creation program. It will instantly shoot to the top of the iTunes charts and stay there by force for two years.
3. The event will be a retrospective, looking back at all the special musical guests Apple has had grace the stage over the past few years of keynotes and “special events”. Randy Newman, Norah Jones, John Mayer and Bono will all be in attendance, and the highlight will be a four-way rap battle between them. Norah Jones will make John Mayer cry, and will receive a standing ovation. As well she should.
4. Apple will finally make the iGuitar. The picture on the invite is the real device. It will have no USB ports, no plugin, and will only work with Apple-branded Bluetooth amps.
5. The Apple TV and iPod Classic will join forces and merge into a super-device in an attempt to remain relevant in this world of multi-touch screens and flash memory. Unfortunately, the new device will be no more intelligible or user-friendly than the two old devices¹ . It will, however, make John Mayer cry, and receive a standing ovation.
6. Look forward to seeing Jony Ive covered in a new Liquidmetal skin, resplendent and transcendent, as he takes the stage to explain how he has finally found a way to make the human body entire into a perfect wi-fi and 3G antenna.
7. Sick and tired of all the controversy and hype, Apple, Inc. will announce that they just out and out purchased Apple Corps, and have fired Yoko Ono.Out of a cannon.All Beatles songs will be available on iTunes. For free. When asked about this bold new pricing plan, Jobs will reply “take that, Ringo!”
8. iPhone 5 will be announced, with an emphasis on music production. Garage Band for iPhone and iPad will be released by the end of the week.
9. This probably won’t happen, but it would rock: Apple puts someone with an attention span of more than 30 seconds in charge of MacHeist III, because the current people are “making the Apple community look bad.”
10. OSX 10.7 will be announced. Code name: Coltrane. When questioned about the shift, bad jokes will be made about ‘Trane being a “cool cat”.²

1. Can you believe we used to think that click wheels were a good way to browse huge libraries of music? Ugh.
2. Look, you try coming up with 10 jokes about a guitar with a  Apple-shaped hole. They’re not all going to be good. Or even any of them.

This week we dive into an oddly popular aspect of the iPad: eBooks. But you don’t have to take my word for it.

Q: I really like to read.

A: Commune with the thoughts of another.

Q: But I hate carrying huge books around with me.

A: No you don’t.

Q: So I was wondering if there was a way…what did you say?

A: You’ve never had a problem carrying huge books around with you until you discovered there was an alternative.

Q: What do you mean?

A: Oh come on. Anyone who reads is quite used to having a book or two on their person at all times. It’s not a burden, it’s part of life.

Q: Well, yeah, but it gets heavy!

A: Don’t get me wrong, there are a ton of benefits to eBooks, but don’t pretend you’ve spent the past twenty years pining for your eBook reader.

Q: I totally imagined I’d have one some day, back when I watched Star Trek: The Next Generation! That was about twenty years ago! So there.

A: All right, so now you want me to solve your problems by telling you to buy an e-reader device. Specifically, an iPad.

Q: It’s kinda what we do around here.

A: Well, I’m not going to do that… Oh who am I kidding? The iPad has made reading books more comfortable than it’s ever been. The Kindle is a marvel of transitional technology¹. The fact is, we live in a paradise of amazing ways to read books.

Q: Bipolar much?

A: I’m serious! You can get just about any book you want, delivered to you and ready to read in well under a minute. You can peruse chapters before you start reading, mark your books up, and be assured that you’ll never, ever be able to give them away and furthermore, you can rest in the knowledge that once your device dies nobody else will ever be able to read anything you had in your library.

Q: So the answer to my last question was yes.

A: Well, it’s a real problem, isn’t it? You can have thousands of books in a device that weighs less than a trade paperback version of Jonathan Livingston Seagull, but if you close your Amazon account or erase the book files from your computer and iPad² then your books are gone forever.

Q: So there are real tradeoffs. You lose the individuality of your books: the typesetting that sets one title apart from another, the specific binding, the feel of different papers, but you gain portability and markup. You lose the ability to share, but you save some money on your purchase price.

A: I kinda feel like I should tell a joke here, or something. This kind of article belongs on Coals[2]Newcastle, not CANS.

Q: The bottom line is, we’re not there yet. We’ve created and streamlined digital content delivery, but we’re light years away from making it fair to both the producer and the consumer of the content. The old methods of checks and balances are falling away as data is abstracted from the physical forms that used to be a method of distribution control. New balances must be struck, but, as with any transition, there are still wild swings back and forth, all the power to the consumer, followed by a swing to massively curtailed consumer rights and back.

A: So, are you just writing a thesis paper or what?

Q: Or perhaps we have yet to see how truly free content can still provide a means of sustaining life to the producers of that content. There are virtual galaxies of solution space still unexplored here. But, whatever the eventual answer, we can be assured that, unless more people are willing to see this as a cooperative effort, an affair that takes the cooperation of all parties, then the polarization will assuredly lead to further deterioration of both the media and the messages.

A: Ladies and gentlemen, this has been “Wall of Text”. Friday iFAQ will hopefully return next week. Thank you and good night.

1. does anyone actually think e-ink is going to last more than another three years? Really?
2. and iPod(s) and Time Machine Backup

• A new car that’s better than a BMW
• A house that’s more beautiful than Fallingwater
• A steak that tastes better than a perfectly-prepared fillet mignon
• A supercomputer that’s better than whatever it is Cray and IBM are releasing these days.

These products can be viewed as major departures from LG’s usual line of low end radios and lightbulbs, or Costco-special LCD televisions. We asked them about this.

“The problem with all these other things is that they don’t allow for content creation.¹

Well, supercomputers do, but nobody uses them for that. They just do protein simulations and play killer games of StarCraft II. But that’s not the point.

The point is that, in each of these fields, we will introduce devices that allow the user to be a creator as well as a consumer. I mean, sure, Fallingwater is a good house, but what if you need to, I don’t know, whomp up a 3D movie? The house is totally not designed to accommodate you. Sure you can try to make a movie in the house with, like, a Mac Pro or something, but the house doesn’t really lend itself to your endeavors. Our new house, car, steak, and computer will all specifically aid in content creation.”

LG’s spokesperson declined to elucidate, which is probably for the best. Especially in the whole “steak” arena.

“Look forward to car like devices that will not only get you where you’re going, but allow you to write a novel while you’re doing it. Or maybe a spreadsheet, if you’re a business type. I don’t care. Right now it’s a Dodge Neon with an iPad glued to the dashboard, but that’s just the prototype.” The spokesperson said, followed by “oh, don’t put that in.”

We put it in.

1. Apparently they completely ignored our qustion.

This week, just to give ourselves something to do while we wait for Yoko Ono to kick the bucket Apple Corps¹ to release Abby Road on iTunes, we thought we’d talk about the upcoming Blu-Ray release of Star Wars.

Q: Aaaaaw, are we really gonna do this?

A: What? Star Wars is a cultural touchstone and defined two whole generations of sci-fi fandom.

Q: Yeah yeah Jedis and Jar-Jar and stuff. But that’s not the point. It’s the whole Blu-Ray thing, isn’t it? That’s where this gets sticky from an OSX perspective.

A: It’s entirely possible that Steve will decide that the Blu-Ray bag doesn’t hurt all that bad!

Q: It’s more likely that he gets rid of SuperDrives altogether, and you know it. He wants all media to come down via iTunes, and you know it.

A: I was kinda hoping we’d be talking about hi-def wookies, you know…

Q: And Mos Def as Ford Prefect. Who cares about the content? The MEDIUM is the MESSAGE in this case. And Steve’s message is “you will use iTunes”

A: Some people still like content…

Q: Look, Han Shot First, Chewie will NEVER get a medal, and Hayden Christensen, who grows up to be James Earl Jones,  is Mark Hamill‘s father. We got it. There aren’t any surprises here, just fodder for internet memes and T-Shirts.

A: I bought one of those T-Shirts!

Q: Welcome to the herd. The issue here is that Apple is like some kinda Empire, keeping us rebels from …

A: Running windows in bootcamp and buying a cheap little external blu-ray drive?

Q: Well, alright, I guess I could do that, but the point is that I shouldn’t have to! I mean, install Windows on my Mac mini?² I’d–

A: –Sooner kiss a Wookie?

Q: Ugh. Fine, whatever.

A: That

Q:           Can be arranged, yes. Got it.

A: he he he. Wookie kisser.

Q: Very professional. Look, all I’m saying is that Apple seems to be pushing their own agenda here instead actually serving the consumer

A: Okay, jokes aside, I just can’t agree. Network distribution is where it’s at and where it’s going. Both. Somehow. Blu-Ray is as dead as Jango Fett after Mace Windu lops his head off. Sure, his heart my beat a few more times, but we don’t need plastic to carry our bytes around any more.

Q: So, you’d rather download an 8 GB file than just go buy it at the store?

A: It’d take about as long to get it from iTunes as it would to get it from Amazon.com, so there’s no loss there. And then it’s also legally and automatically backed up in my Time Machine drive, and my Mozy online backup as well. Where’s the downside here?

Q: In the middle of the Death Star Throne room?

A: Word.

1. More like “Apple Corpse” amirite?
2. I’m totally running Windows 7 on my Mac mini. Stupid Grad School.

Thank you.

Now, that done, here are some things we hope John Ive does with this new, insanely useful metal:

• Actually Build EVE from Wall*E
• Actually build Wall*E from Wall*E
• Mac Wars Episode VI: RETURN OF THE CUBE
• Shiny-backed iPhones That don’t pick up millions of fingerprints (because it’s magic!)
• Newer, more powerful Phil Schiller
  • For that matter, it’s about time to redo The Woz. The current model is getting kinda ragged.
• bullet-proof mock turtlenecks
• Liquid. Metal. Ponies.
• Summer Glau 2.0: Don’t call her “Autumn”

Well, we’ve wandered a bit from our main point. Here’s to Jony Ive and his shiny new toy. We look forward to the next coolest thing in industrial design.

It’s just bad luck that our iFAQ for the Kindle landed on Friday the 13th.

Q: Oh, man, hey, sorry I had to call this one in. I can’t make it to the studio, so we’ll just do this over the phone, ‘kay?

A: O-Okay.

Q: Great. Anyway, I just bought this new Kindle, and I really like it, the e-ink screen, the cool graphite shell, the…whoops, man, I almost hit that black cat with my bike. Good thing he got out of the way so quickly! What was I saying? Oh, yeah, I really like it and all, but sometimes I wonder if it’s really enough.

A: What do you mean?

Q: Now, don’t get me wrong. I like having a reading device that’s also got free Wikipedia access anywhere I go, and having books delivered to me in “under a minute” is awesome, full stop. But WHOA! Man! This place is crazy today! I just barely fit under that ladder!

A: You were saying?

Q: I’m just saying that maybe the Kindle could do more.

A: More than just books, you mean?

Q: Well, that’s not entirely fair, because it also does magazines, blogs, heck, even Instapaper, that sweetheart of the iPhone, has Kindle support.

A: So you’ve got a high-tech miracle device that allows you to consume just about any print form of media from anywhere, but you want more?

Q: Look buddy, if you didn’t want that mirror broken you shouldn’t have left it out on the street where anyone could run into it like that! I’m lucky I’m not all full of glass shards and stuff, you know?

A: Maybe this is a bad time, Q…

Q: No, no it’s fine. Look, yeah, I get all the print stuff I want delivered to me wherever I am. But what about music? what about videos? What about long, moonlit strolls along the beach with the person I love? What about living the life I’ve always dreamed of?

A: NO MUSICALS!

Q: Sorry about that. Man, that lady across the street seems to agree with you. She’s totally givin’ me the evil eye. My singing isn’t that bad.

A: It kinda is. So, you want to know what you should do to satisfy all your other media-based lusts, right?

Q: You make it sound so dirty.

A: And you don’t want an iPad?

Q: Can’t afford an iPad.

A: Well then. Get ready to squint.

Q: What’s that now?

A: Grab yourself an iPod Touch or an iPhone and watch your movies and listen to your music on a more handheld device.

Q: And my Kindle?

A: You can read Kindle books on the iPhone, iPad, or iPod Touch. Or your Mac. Or your PC. Or just carry two devices. You’re not really losing out.

Q: Well, okay, yeah. But… hold on… Daaaaaang, that piano almost landed on me! So that’s your answer. Get an iOS device and call it good.

A: Pretty much.

Q: Hey, I just found $100 in the gutter! Maybe I CAN afford an iPad after all. Wow, today must be my lucky day!

A: Must be.

Mark Papermaster Joins Apple

Apple® today announced that Mark Papermaster is joining the Company as senior vice president of Devices Hardware Engineering, reporting to Apple CEO Steve Jobs.

Mark Papermaster Leaves Apple

According to sources who spoke with The Wall Street Journal, Papermaster’s departure came as a result of a “falling out” with Jobs. How much the iPhone 4 antenna controversy played a part in his exit was said to be “unclear,” as those anonymous sources said the departure was chiefly a result of “cultural incompatibility.”

Ummm…yeah. that’s pretty much all we knew about Mr. Papermaster, except for the fact that he had an awesome name. Well, anyway, he’s gone. And so it goes.

Thanks for letting me know?

This week we venture timidly forth into the future and preview Office 2011 for Mac.

Q: So, why would I want Microsoft Office on my Mac? I’ve got iWork.

A: You wouldn’t.

Q: Really? So, you’re just gonna walk away from this one?

A: Pretty much.

Q: No witty explanations, no declarations of love for Redmond’s latest and greatest?

A: Sure. “Windows 7 is a pretty good OS”. But I won’t say anything nice about an office platform that can’t figure out how to go fully Cocoa by 2011.

Q: Oh, it’s a nerd thing then. You’re angry about one of those things that nobody else on earth understands.

A: Understand this, laughing boy: Microsoft won’t be shipping a 64-bit version of Office anytime soon. They say it’s because they’re so focused on compatibility between the Windows and Mac versions of Office.

Q: Compatibility? Really? that’s their line? Even AbiWord can claim 95% compatibility with Microsoft Office.

A: Exactly. So while they “support” the Mac platform with a new, slightly-less-crippled-than-before version of Office, it’s pretty clear that what they are really trying to do is push people back on over to the Windows side of the tracks.

Q: Surprised?

A: No. But I’m not buying in. Instead, I’m getting EVEN.

Q: That doesn’t sound good.

A: Yes! I’ll show those buffoons in Redmond a taste of their own medicine on the other foot now!

Q: You’re going to email them that sentence and then release service packs for it until it’s finally intelligible?

A: I’ll start releasing mediocre versions of popular Mac software for Windows! Then everyone will see the obvious superiority of our glorious Mac platform! It’s brilliant!

Q: It’s something else all right.

A: I shall start with a sub-par version of iWork. I shall force all your tables to reside in the same spreadsheet! I will make an email client that uses more resources than most Linux distributions! I’ll turn Keynote into a boring and unispired collection of slides that would have been perfectly at home in 1985!

Q: You’re mad! Maaaaaad!

A: And I shall call my creation…

Q: No Doctor! Don’t name it! You can’t go through with this! Please, come back down from that improbable tower in the lightning storm! Give up your mad dreams of revenge!

A: Nay! I shall release my ghastly creation on humanity, and it shall be called:

Office 2010

Q: Wow.

A: Bwahahahahahahaha!

Q: That was a lot of setup for a fairly minor joke.

A: The joke is on Ballmer! He’ll never know what hit him! Their sales numbers will plummet!

Q: I’m…I’m not playing any more. Have fun [leaves]

A: Bwaaaahahahahahahahahaaa! I’m a genius!

This is probably the best excuse I’ll ever have.

It seemed like fun in my head. Now, let’s see how it plays out. Mac will be taking the side of the mac mini, PC, will be taking the side of the homebuilt gaming PC.

Mac: Hello, I’m a Mac.

PC: And I’m a PC.

Moderator: And I’m a moderator. Gentlemen, I brought you here today to discuss $700 systems. Mac, you, of course, have the mac mini, a tiny little box that fits anywhere. PC, you can be built entirely from parts purchased on newegg for that price. mac, let’s start with you. Why would we choose a mac mini?

Mac: ….It doesn’t work if I go first.

Moderator: I’m sorry?

Mac: Yeah, see, the way we do this is I ask PC what’s up, he tells me something that doesn’t apply to me, and then I tactfully ignore that glaring problem while he writhes in misery.

PC: It’s a tried and true system.

Mac: So, if you could just ask PC to defend his point first, I’ll be much more comfortable. Thank you.

Moderator: Well, okay. PC: same question. Why would we want to build a PC from parts for $700?

PC: Well, you get a lot of bang for your buck that way: fast graphics cards, great processors, lots of RAM, hours on the phone with various companies trying to get your rebates back and get RMA numbers for faulty components…

Moderator: Some of that…doesn’t sound so positive.

PC: Well, it’s the total experience, isn’t it? For every really easy install you’ve got at least one part that doesn’t quite fit. But once you’ve done it all you have a machine that’s truly your own, from the ground up. And you know it’s exactly what you want because you built it. Sure, there’s some trials, but that just adds to the feeling of accomplishment when you’re finished.

Moderator: Well, that sounds good. Mac, your response.

Mac: Hmm? oh, sorry, I was just surfing the web, playing StarCraft II, and emailing photo albums of this awesome trip me and my photogenic friends took to Sundance last year. Yeah, I just pull the mini out of the box, set it up, and I’m good to go.

PC: But what about options? what about upgrades?

Moderator: Mac, your response?

Mac: I can upgrade the RAM in here in like, three seconds.

PC: and the hard drive?

Mac: …That’s what AppleCare is for! What happens when your homebrew box breaks down?

PC: I spend a few hundred dollars and fix it. What about you?

Mac: APPLECARE!

Moderator: Gentlemen, let’s move on. Next topic: software. PC, where does the custom rig really shine?

PC: Anywhere I put LEDs of course. But I kid. No, the strong suite is, without a doubt, games. I will always have a siiiiiiick video card, tons of RAM, and enough processors to choke a camel. So I can play any game at any resolution. And I can do anything any other windows machine can do.

Mac: But not the stuff I can do. No iWork, no iLife, no Coda, Transmit, Scrivener, UNIX, XCode, or any of the other rich tools you get with any mac. Oh, and you get to run anti-virus software all the time as well.

PC: You know, you sound like a recap of every commercial we ever did right now.

Mac: Playing my strong card, buddy.

Moderator: Well gentlemen, this has been very enlightening, and not as funny as we’d hoped. I’m disappointed. But thank you for your time anyway, I guess. Mac, go catch a shave, PC, go buy some new suit coats and we’ll see you all next time at our next fireside chat.

This week we respond to Apple’s latest, greatest new product. No, not the Magic Trackpad. The Magic Trackpad is just part of a MacBook Pro Gone AWOL. No, this week we talk about the Amazing, the Incredible, the Apple Battery Charger.

Q: Really?

A: Really.

Q: This isn’t like, some hoax to get us to talk about the Magic Mouse, or the Magic Trackpad, or the Less-Magic iPhone 4–

A: Whoa whoa whoa! We don’t say the “i-4″ word around here, son!

Q: Right, right, sorry. So, you really want me to ask questions about a battery charger.

A: And I will answer them. Right. Go ahead.

Q: Okay, well, um… how about this: “Why did Apple decide to make a battery charger?”

A: I’m glad you asked!

Q: Hey, that’s what I don’t get paid for around here.

A: You see, since the dawn of time¹ mankind has had to replace batteries in things that need power but not cords.

Q: Yep.

A: Things like Walkmen, Electric Cheese Graters, or poorly made radio-control cars from Radio Shack, all have needed some way to convert stored chemical energy into electric energy.

Q: Wake me when the infomercial is over, ‘kay?

A: But this poses a problem: putting batteries in landfills is like stabbing the Earth in the face. Over and over and over.

Q: That got needlessly graphic in a hurry, now didn’t it?

A: It did indeed my friend, it did indeed. But Lo! On the horizon! Who is that that approacheth? Who cometh with a solution in his outstretched hands, borne on wings of brushed aluminum?

Q: And now we’ve gone all the way to needlessly messianic.

A: Behold! The Great Steve! He reaches down, and bestows upon the earth a way to significantly reduce the damage done to our dear earth mother, while still enjoying the benefits of wireless devices of all sorts!

Q: As long as they take AA batteries…

A: And in his great wisdom he has finally rid the charger of its vampiric ways, reducing its needless consumption of electricity by a fulsome 90%!

Q: And now he’s a vampire hunter. What happened to your continuity people?

A: They’re sitting on the couch behind me watching Ice Age 3. But that’s not important now.

Q: Good movie though. If you like needless sequels.

A: I do. Now… Dangit. I lost my train of thought.

Q: Let’s see here, um… “fulsome 90%…” is where you left off, I think.

A: Right, right. Fulsome. Lotsa savings. Look, I can’t get back into that groove. I’ma try a new one. Dude.

Q: [sighs]

A: So, anyway, if you like, need your Apple fix, but, like, you also care about all Our Fellow Creatures, then this is, like, exactly what you need.

Q: You’re too young, son. Your hippie/beach-boy thing just doesn’t work.

A: Yeah. Anyway, look, cool silvery batteries, cool charger, works in your periperals, buy it, done.

Q: Um, yeah, okay.

A: You just threw me off of my game, is all.

Q: Sorry…?

A: Yeah, look, it’s fine. Whatever.

Q: “Isn’t Ellie supposed to be the one with the hormonal imbalance?”

A: What?

Q: Sorry. Just quoting Ice Age 3.

1. January 1, 1970. The start of the UNIX epoch

March 21st, 1864: I was right! The tree in our north pasture is indeed an apple tree. Lisa and I have a new wager: I say it’s a Macintosh, she says Golden Delicious. We shall see. Our house construction comes along well, although we continue to await our shipment from the glazier.

August 4th, 1864: Lisa owes me again! That tree is indeed a Macintosh. When I took my first bite of it’s fruit, it was like a great, solemn chime rang out, sonorous and simple. I have named this tree “Apple 2″ because Lisa lost two bets to me on this tree. We still await our shipment from Washington. Our house is nearly finished, but still a bit drafty.

October 12th, 1864: at long last our windows arrived from Redmond. We installed them into their frames, but are not pleased with the results. EAch of the four panes has a different tint, one blue, one green, one yellow, one red. In addition, there have been a number of holes that we have had to patch, and a number of bugs seem to sneak through the frame. It is a wonder to me that these windows are so popular. I’ve half a mind to go into business competing with these know-nothings from the north, but I fear it may be too late to make significant headway in that market. I’ve got to think different.

Many young fish have asked me if the 3GRS will be as airproof and gelatin-proof as it’s predecessor. There’s no denying that those weekend trips to Alpha Proxima were greatly facilitated by the aerophobic and geleophobic coatings Apple put on their iPhone flipper-held devices. But even with UniversCell technology, it seems that some calls were getting dropped in the outer reaches of the Oort cloud, where massive uncharted astral bodies could make it hard to get a signal. This of course explains the gelatin: anything submersed in gelatin has its signal strength boosted significantly, as you all know. this is why the Ensign, Gel-Class is such a coveted and enviable position on any starbus.

Well, the answer, my icthiods, is yes, the 3GRS retains the full body geleophobic coating that you have grown to love and trust in your flippertop app phone. Steve Cods assures us that the hypersolar market will be “the main audience” of all upcoming releases of the iPhone.

In other news, Microsoft doesn’t exist in this reality. But Linux lost another 2 percent of the shoal-top market, with Apple and BeOS picking up one percentage point apiece…

Look, I gotta stop there. I was told these guys were pretty similar to us, but BeOS picking up market share? That’s just too weird.

1. “RS” stands for “Really Speedy”

Product Comparison: iDeck vs. The Ono-Sendai Hosaka Deck

The venerable Apple, Inc.’s entry into the cyberspace deck market has spurred a considerable amount of conversation and speculation. Will Apple’s years of interface experience give them an edge over the current market leader from Ono-Sendai? Or will cyber cowboys reject this more consumer-driven device?

In many ways, the devices are similar: they both work with the industry standard Hitachi 40 point connectors, although they both require a special adapter to do so. They both offer a gateway into cyberspace, of course. However, the iDeck’s streamlined simstim interface will make it easier for “iCowboys” to jack into other peoples’ sensory feeds, as well as connecting to construct ROMs. The iDeck is also more portable, and offers higher resolution thanks to Apple’s advanced ‘trode placement band.

On the other hand, supporters of the Hosaka point out that the older, battle tested deck offers greater customization potential, as you can jack any program into your deck, whereas the iDeck will only run apps purchased in Apple’s virtual AppStore, which incidentally is where you will find yourself whenever you jack in.

“Look, we all know Apple is never going to approve anything from Huang, and there are times where you need some specialized….security software,” said the construct of Case, one of Cyberspace’s premier cowboys. “The iDeck is fine for casual users, but corporate customers aren’t going to try to do business with the Yaki without some good tools on their side. And for now, all the best business software is written for the Hosaka.”

Apple points out that iHack ’35, their premiere security testing suite, will be available in August, but industry pundits remain skeptical.

“if you think iHack is going to be anything like as powerful as the stuff we’re seeing out of Night City you need to check behind your ear for a loose microsoft,” Case’s recorded personality said.

In other news, Microsoft announced that Windows CyberDeck XLT will be available in the Sprawl early next year, making it 47 years since they released CyberDeck 28.

8:02: “Well, I’ll see what’s out there about Apple. Something funny must be happening”

8:03: “Hmmm, Pogue thinks the iPhone is good. No surprise. Gruber thinks people who don’t think the iPhone is good are bad. Yep. Yep.”

8:04 “Would ‘the iPhone: Will it kill your entire family?’ be a good article? Bleh, no! C|Net already did that one. Well, probably. It sounds like something they would do.”

8:06 “Maybe I could start a ‘Crazy Windows News Site…wait, that’s Paul Therrot’s site. Too bad.”

8:07 “Maybe I should go into something less crazy.”

And that’s no way to run a humor site. So I will start writing funny things about things when something funny starts happening. Thank you very much.

1. the past few weeks have been an unofficial break

Anyway, here’s the clips:¹

[Laughter]

Q: Dude, everyone already knows that joke. It’s like, it’s a thousand years old.

Producer: Guys? We’re rolling.

Q: Crap! Right. Ahem. Hrm. Look, it’s a phone. It’s just a phone. What makes your [starts laughing] I just got it [laughs] He just BOUGHT that shirt!

Q: Oh, yeah, that new iOS. It’s based on OS sex right?

[Laughter from booth]

Q: Whoa, forgot, I’m on CANS, not CARS.

A: What cat is THAT named after?

A: The Retina Display has a surprisingly high pixel density, yes.

Q: …

A: Yes, very, very high.

Q: …

A: Lotsa pixels there.

Q: … Sorry, what? Oh yeah. It’s got glassy RAM or something, look, I was reading over next week’s script, and it got me all confused. Can we try again?

Q: Dork.

A: Nerd.

Q: Jerkface.

A: Monkeyhead.

Producer: Guys? Can… can we get back to the script?

Q: Just a second, we’re almost done here. Windows User.

A: OS/2 Aficionado.

A: Yep, it’s shtable, sholid, and hash more …. blerb bleoo bleh. Whoo! Let’s try that again.

[Laughter]

A: Need to warm up a bit. Blrblrblbrlblrb. “I saw a sheet a sheet I slit upon the slitted sheet I sit”² Okay, I’m good. Can we start again?

A: Oooooh, them’s fightin’ words, pal.

Q: You wascaly wabbit!

[Laughter]

A: Whal Tarnation! My Biscuits are burnin’!

A: Your Grandma.

Q: She runs Linux on a… dangit, what was it? A wolf pack? Something? Beowulf cluster? So it like, cuts the arms off of a WHOLE BUNCH of monsters? Okay, let’s go again. Sorry Grandma.

And there you have it! We hope you enjoyed this little glimpse at life inside the iFAQ studio.

1. in your brain, the Horizontal Rules should sound like “boop”
2. Pretty much the only thing I remember from Choir in High School. Yes I was in Choir in High School. Don’t judge me!

This week we talk about the one thing that changes everything: the iPhone. Again!

Q: So, it’s got a really pixelly screen, right?

A: The Retina Display has a surprisingly high pixel density, yes.

Q: And it’s got more RAM, right? and, like, two cameras?

A: We don’t talk about RAM on Apple products. But yes, there is a front facing camera now.

Q: And it’s made out of glass or something, right?

A: These are just barely questions.

Q: Look, it’s a phone. It’s just a phone. What makes your iPhone so special?

A: Well, there’s an OS that actually works–

Q: Oh, yeah, that new iOS. It’s based on OSX, right? So I guess that’s pretty cool.

A: Yep. It’s stable, solid, and has more available apps than any other mobile platform

Q: For more money than any other platform! Oh, and it gets built in advertising! I mean that’s a Google move if ever I heard of one.

A: Oooooh, them’s fighting words, pal.

Q: Look, don’t get me wrong, Apple’s a business, right? We all know that. So they need a way to make ever more money on things. But when I’m using an App I don’t want to be interacting emotionally with the ads. I want to be flinging birds at green pigs in improbable buildings.

A: Oh yeah? Well, yeah, okay. But still, it’s better to have it all centralized and pretty, right?

Q: Sure, if you’re already an Apple fan. But who else is going to think that draconian vetting of ads in apps that are in a store that already has draconian vetting–

A: Your grandma.

Q: She runs Linux on a Beowulf cluster, dude. Look, I know what you’re trying to say: people who aren’t tech savvy don’t really care where the ads or the apps are coming from. So fine. But we should have some kinda choice, right? I mean, look at OSX: it’s all kinds of open. And it benefits from it. ANYBODY can write an application for the Mac and as a result, there are some great ones out there.

A: You got mean when you got sick, you know that?

Q: Sorry, dude. Gettin’ all dehydrated in a park whilst surrounded by Apple freaks didn’t do much for my mood.

A: Well, we’ll forgive it for now. But remember: mean is only okay when it’s funny.

Q: Okay. And you remember: don’t talk about presentation until the mics are off.

A: What? Oh, Dangit! I always forget–

“We are worried that the new unibody enclosure of the Mac Mini will affect people much like a drug, forcing people to buy more and more Minis until they can buy nothing else,” wrote the FDA. “We haven’t stopped thinking about it since it was announced.”

“We jumped in because there’s not a whole lot to do these days, what with the FBI taking over pretty much all of our work,” Said the CIA¹ .

Here at CANS we are trying to save up enough pennies to conduct our own research into the effects of the new Mac Mini’s HDMI port on our 23″ monitor that is currently connected to a loathsome Dell laptop. We estimate we will have the required number of pennies (70,000) by the middle of 2014.

1. At least, that’s what they want you to think…