“So, this one time, Bill Gates came into my office, and was all, “Java is stupid!” and I was all “whatever Bill, .Net looks like crap and doesn’t run on Solaris!” Schwartz related over the phone. He continued, “So then I flexed all my pecs and abs and my shirt was like BOOM and Bill was all “Wow Jon you have awesome muscles and I just wet myself so I’m leaving now because you’re so scary and I was the strongest CEO in the world and I made Steve Jobs give me his lunch money and Steve Ballmer told me that he wants to be like me when he grows up.”

Unfortunately, at this point Mrs. Schwartz came in and told Johnny that it was nap time He had to attend a high-level meeting, so we were unable to continue with his story. But we’ll be sure to pick it up in his assuredly not soon to be a bestseller, as soon as it comes out on Apple’s iBooks service.

This week we answer the mysterious question: What the crap happened last week?

Q: So, what the crap did happen last week? You were all “I’m going to Cali, baby!” and nobody heard from you again.

A: Gaaah, I started that post like six times, but various computer glitches kept eating it, or scrambling the words, or some stupid thing. the most coherent thing to emerge from the wreckage was a comparison of my seat mate on the flight to a wildebeest.

Q: Weak. Sauce. Try. Harder.

A: Look, I’m not starting that post again, man. At one point the hard drive on my iMac self-destructed, and I had to take it into the shop for a new hard drive,¹ and when I rebuilt from my Time Machine backup my post was completely NOT on the backup.

Q: So those four of us who follow this blog are doomed to forever vaguely wonder if anything happened when you were in the home of the free Google Wi-fi?

A: Google Wi-fi rejected me. I wrote about that before the GREAT HARD DRIVE CRASH.

Q: So, you got anything for us?

A: Look, I feel bad, really I do, but writing about that trip is a curse. So instead I’ll just throw in something I wrote on that trip, that I was saving for your birthday.

Q: No, not gonna cut it.

Ngmoco Buys Freeverse

Q: And I get ignored again.

A: H2 tags can’t hear you. Now Shhhhh! the article’s starting.

We here at CANS HQ were distressed to learn that Freeverse, one of our favorite software vendors, from whom we have borrowed characters, is being purchased by Ngmoco, an iPhone game company. This news is odd, sad, and depressing, which is probably a good summation of the internet in general. But that’s beside the point.

Freeverse was our first introduction to mac games, with their Big Bang Board Games that shipped free on our iMac. The games were simple, but clean and Mac-like, with lots of polish and interaction. Over the years we found them to be equally excellent at other programs, from the actually useful Periscope² to the much needed port of Heroes of Might and Magic V to the Mac, we’ve relied on Freeverse to make easy-to-use, well designed software, and we’ve never been let down.

In recent years we’ve also done a very small amount of testing for Freeverse, and found their staff to be friendly, intelligent, and generous to a fault.

And now they’re being purchased by a company that formed, like, what? Three weeks ago? A company whose empire is based on Rolando: the story of a cartoon ball. This is kind of like some kid who just won a huge cash prize in a Risk tournament buying General Patton.

The question is: will they continue to make Mac games and programs? It seems unlikely. the iPhone/iPad platform is easier to write for, and has a huge base of people just waiting to devour your latest creation with minimal advertising. So desktop games and apps lose again on the mac and more people start to wonder if Windows is really all that bad.

Or maybe we’re blowing the whole thing out of proportion. (We are) so we’ll stop now. It’s not much, but we just wanted to thank Freeverse for the excellent games and wish them well in their new adventures. May the monkey ever be on your back.

Q: Did you want to borrow some black nail polish emo-boy? Whiny. that’s what it was. Whiny.

A: Whatever man. That’s David Pogue level Pulitzer material.³

Q: So, what we get from your trip to California is NOT EVEN a stupid T-Shirt, but a stupid article.

A: Okay, well, maybe you’ll like this post:

MacHeist Mails it In

Three months after the expected beginning of MacHeist, we get, not a new heist full of interest and prizes, but a cheap bundle of good but ininspiring software. Well, we here at CANS arent’ going to stand for it. I mean, yes we’ll buy the bundle, heck, we already have. But we’re not going to like it–

Q: Nope! Not interested.

A: Hey! Stop that!

Q: Alright look, you had a hard week, got it. I’m gonna go hang out with the Macalope for a while. Come back when you got something interesting to say.

1. this actually happened. On the plus side my iMac now has a 1.5 TB hard drive
2. which I used as a security camera in my room in California
3. I put that in just so David Pogue would read this and get mad at me again. Hey, negative attention is still attention! Ask any three-year-old!

This week we cover Pandora|One, the music service that

This Just In!

Q: Wait, so I get preempted before I get so much as one line? What gives?

Breaking News!

Q: I guess so.

The Crazy Apple News Site’s top News Analyst & Team Enthusiast (“NATE”) is being sent by their top secret employer to some top-secret training (the training is so secret that it requires a hyphen!)

In Mountain. View. California.

Q: So? What’s so special about Mountain View?

Home of Google, only seven minutes from 1 Infinite Loop, it’s like finally going to MacWorld or WWDC, only without all the other people there or anything remotely Apple-related going on. Stay tuned for some Crazy On The Road posts soon!

Q: And it’s not even a long post, either. Really? Really? That’s all we get?

We would normally return you to our iFAQ already in progress at this point, but we’re too excited. Also this week’s “Q” is kind of a jerk.

Q: Oh, now that’s just cold.

This week we celebrate true love, enduring love, the love that is felt between a man and his Extended keyboard.

It seemed appropriate.

Q: My keyboard is soft and mushy.

A: Too long in the microwave?

Q: No, I mean, the keys, they don’t do it for me any more. No strength. No resistance.

A: A fine romance, my friend, this is…

Q: I want to type like I did when I was young. I want a keyboard that lets me know when I’ve typed a letter. I want to know where not only how to type the @ symbol, but also the ¥, the£, and even the §. So I guess that’s my question, doc. Where can I find such a keyboard?

A: Ah, to be young again. To return to a time when men were men and keyboards were really really noisy. To recapture that feeling of youth that comes from the feel of springy metal switches under your fingertips.

Q: Yeah, yeah doc. That’s what I want. Tell it to me straight, will I ever feel that way again?

A: There is hope for you, but it comes at a price.

Q: Awww, man, for a keyboard like that, I’d pay hundreds, just to feel like I’m actually doing something again.

A: That’s good. Listen, there’s a company out there that thinks the way you do. They think we’ve gone soft in our modern age with our terrible and quiet keyboards, with no number pads and all that. So they’re bringing the magic back.

Q: Sounds like some great guys! What do I gotta do do get me some of that fully mechanical action?

A: Shell out and be patient at this point. Because you see, the new Tactile Pro 3 won’t is out of stock, but it’s on the way. At $150, Matias is making sure you really want the joy of the late 80’s in your office before they send you one of their wunderkind.

Q: $150? Is that all? Man just bail was more than that from the last time I broke into the Old Computer Museum to play with the–

A: Yes, yes, quite right. So, enjoy your new-old keyboard. Clicky.

This week, we scrape the bottom of the barrel and dredge up disk utility, the app that 90% of the time only gets used when you think your system is fried.

Q: I have secrets I need to keep.

A: I hear the secrets that you keep–

Q: I don’t talk in my sleep.

A: … Spoilsport.

Q: Aaaaanyway, I have things that need to be kept on the DL. The QT. Under the radar. Under the bridge. Under the boardwalk. Out in the Boondocks ¹. Leaving New York. I forgot what I was talking about.

A: You said you needed to keep secrets before you started quoting song titles.

Q: Riight right. Anyway, I need a way to keep some…things…secure.

A: On your mac.

Q: Yes.

A: You do know that you can encrypt your entire user directory, right?

Q: Yeah, but I don’t want to go that far. I only need some things secured. And they need to be secured even if someone gets into my account. ‘Cause this one time, when I was on rocket-powered skis in the Improbable Mountains outside of Marrakesh…

A: I don’t think I have proper clearance to hear the rest of that. Anyway, Believe it or not, Apple has provided a tool custom-made for people like you.

Q: An incredibly stylish cyanide capsule that fits nicely into a false molar ² ? Retrofitted iSight cameras that also shoot laser beams at unauthorized users? an iPhone app that allows me to not only play my music via bluetooth in my Aston-Martin, but also calls said Aston-Martin to me if I can’t get to it?

A: Umm, kinda like that yeah. Only instead of an improbable and deadly device it’s a way to create an encrypted disk image where you can store your confidential files.

Q: You intrest me strangely, old friend.  How does such a thing work?

A: Well, you know that Macs make great use of disk image files, or “.dmg” files, for things like installers and whatnot? And that a .dmg file is a much easier thing to send over the internet than, say, a CD-ROM?

Q: Yes, I follow you.

A: Well, there’s also an option to encrypt your new .dmg file, so it’s only accessible with a password that you set. You can use 128-bit or 256-bit AES encryption, the same encryption the Americans use for Top-secret documents.

Q: But will  a super-spy be able to crack my password by sitting in  a dark room in front of a screen with green letters scrolling upwards across their face?

A: Only if you’re dumb enough to choose something stylish like “martini” as your password, and only if the hacker is using a Mac.

Q: I like what you say old friend! I shall transfer all those top-secret Soviet plans into an encrypted disk image, set the password to something unguessable like “nomoresecrets”, and finally get the drop on the Reds once and for all!

A: But the USSR… the Soviets… The Berlin Wall… Yeah, alright. Have fun.

Q: So I shall. I’m off!

1. Did you know “boondocks” comes from the Tagalog (Filipino) word “bundok” which means “mountain”? And that it’s the only known Tagalog word to be adopted into English? Well now you do!
2. Proposed name: the iDie

http://laurasteelmusic.com/

Members of the press were ushered in to a large ballroom near the bar area. There were chairs, a microphone and a table on one of those portable stage thingies, and that was it. Nervous looks were exchanged. iPhones were consulted, and people re-read the invite, just to be sure.

At 5:15 the lights went down and a guy in ripped jeans and a “Journey” T-shirt came into the room and turned a spot light on the stage, then left. Nothing more happened for five minutes.

At 5:20 Steve Jobs and Phil Schiller , arm in arm, came up onto the stage. Each was holding an aluminum bottle in one hand, and they were swaying slightly. Jony Ive walked in behind them, towing a cart full of crates. As Jobs and Schiller stepped into the spotlight the audience could see a distinctive Apple logo on the bottles.

“Ladish and gentlemenssss… hey, wha happend to all the ladish? Shteve, whurrrr, whurrr the ladies? Coul’ve at least invited Trapani. What’s with all the….awwww, fuggedabodit.” Shiller began, then turned back to his bottle and sat down heavily on a chair on the stage, mumbling to himself. Steve Jobs looked up and took over.

“Gennelmen… I would like to introush you to Applesh newesht product. This is shomething that Phil an’ I have been workin’ on for… for…. foralonglongtime.  Thish!” he said, holding up the bottle to the light, “Thish is… APPLE BEER!”

Only he was able to pronounce the Apple symbol. Very strange.

“Now don’t get ush wrong!” Phil said from his chair, standing up again. “Thish isn’t just som’, som’ beer made from applesh. This ish a completeere….completlish, thish is a whole new thing!” He took a long pull on his bottle again.

“It’sh true! Apple Beer is non-alcoholic! Sho you don’ hafta worry ’bout your liver. Inshtead, it’sh got a shpechisal blend of aneshthetisksks… anishtehetis…. of thngsh that make yer lips numb… AND other thingsh that make your BRAIIIIN numb!” Shteve…sorry, Steve said. He continued, “It’sh made to our most demanding speshifications!  Jony here, he made the bottlesh outta OLD CANS.  They’re recycled! Sho Greenpeashe can jus’ shuddap abouddit already. And the ingrediensh! We got shome of the besht ingreditensh your money will be able to buy! But Jony’sh gunna havta tell ya ’bout ‘em, ‘caush I godda sit down.”

Ive then stepped up to the microphone. “We crafted Apple Beer from the finest Jonagold and Fuji apples to give it it’s unique flavor, and added a carefully selected mix of natural and synthetic ingredients to provide you with all the “good” aspects of normal beer, but without all the downsides… the vomiting, the headaches, and the addiction.  Apple Beer is completely non-addicting, non-alcoholic, and won’t leave you feeling like a cat went to the loo in your head the next morning,” Jony said, holding up a bottle. “Oi! Too right! Ya barmy blokes!”

Actually that last part was Phil Schiller.

“As you can see, however,” Ive continued, “Apple Beer does still lower your inhibitions and allow you a certain degree of freedom of expression that you might otherwise deny yourself.”

“Yesh yesh, thanksh, Jony,” Steve Jobs said, standing back up. “We’re done with you. Go pash out the free shamples. Apple Beer will be available as shoon as we can get groshery stores to shell it. An’ now, Phil an’ I are gonna go get pished.”

Jony then told the crowd that Apple Beer would be priced at $11 for a six-pack, thus putting it just out of John Moltz’s reach.

“Yeah, the iPad is nice,” admitted David Pogue, “But before, when we were all waiting for the ‘Apple Tablet’ it had way more features, and they were cooler, too. Now we have a real thing, and we can’t make up new features all willy-nilly. Screen that makes little bumps where the keys on the keyboard are? Gone! Face recognition so your whole family can use it? Gone! It’s just a big ol’ iPod touch.

“I mean, yes, of course I’m going to buy one and write a missing manual for it, but I’m not gonna be happy about it.”

“I could afford the mythical apple tablet,” John Gruber said, holding his torn cardboard sign reading “will be grumpy for food” with one hand so that he could gesture wildly with the other. “It was going to be free, or at least really really cheap. But the iPad, well, it’s all ’sensibly priced’ and stuff. I can’t afford real cash monies! Who am I, that Nate guy who writes CANS? I heard he’s rolling in the dough.”

Not everyone was despondent, however. Walt Mossberg calls the iPad “The best thing ever ever ever,” stating that he “loves it more than my own left ear! It’s perfect and beautiful and everything that was ever good is in that iPad!!!1!!!!”

Slightly more rational correspondents are waiting to “see one in real life” and are withholding judgement until they experience… who am I kidding? There are no rational correspondents in the world of Apple punditry.

12:34: I just like posting at 12:34.

12:33: Steve Jobs “got the goods” to create a new market out of thin air.

12:31: OSX lovers brace to get ignored for another year while Apple plays with the new OS for this thing

12:28: It’s a whole new gold rush!

12:27: The iPad will change the way we do the things we do be do be do

12:24: Everything is better when Jon Ive says it.

12:23: Keyboard dock turns your tablet back into a laptop.

12:20: Okay the prices are actually reasonable.

12:18: “pundits” said it would be under $1000, which is $999. They’re wrong! It’s $2999!

12:17: Unlocked out of the door? You can use any SIM? Wow, take that, AT&T!

12:15: 3G via AT&T is $30/month for the “Unlimited” (read: limited, but we don’t tell you what the limit is) plan.

12:13: Steve Job’s new catch phrase: “Isn’t it great?”

12:12: Giraffe Graph.

12:11: Numbers moves this into the realm of justifiable business expense.

12:10: Soccer teams are always looking for a way to make attactive graphs of their players’ performance.

12:08: The Numbers presentation slides into a discussion of the American vs. Canadian tax systems.

12:06: All Keynote presentations must be about the great wall of China. Other topics will be allowed in later versions.

12:02: Keynote looks a lot like keynote, only you touch things now. How you connect it to a projector so other people can see your slides is anyone’s guess.

12:01: Phil Just took over Steve’s Chair.

12:00: Phil Schiller comes to tell us about iWork. Good ol’ Phil! Whadda guy!

11:59: Apple’s using an open format for their books? My mind, she is blown. In a good way. That is some happy news.

11:57: BOOKS! BOOKS! BOOKS! thank you.

11:54: Steve graciously nods to Amazon’s Kindle before completely dethroning it.

11:53: Did you hear that? That was the sound of every chess club in america writing an iPad app to track their games.

11:51 MLB.com will give you nerdy stats about baseball games. Trig fans rejoice! All six of you!

11:49: This just in! Car games! Whoda thunk it?

11:47: a quick glance at a painting program and off we go to more game demos from EA games. Order is restored.

11:44: The New York Times is hoping the iPad will save them from the inevitable death of old media. They could be right. Of all the newspapers, they have done the best job of using new technology.

11:42: Wait, only one game demo? What happened Apple?

11:40: Wake me when the game demos are over. Zzzzzzzz….

11:37: Nothing’s as exciting as new SDK’s! I mean, new features? Bah!

11:34: You can run iPhone apps in the middle of the screen and imagine that you have an entire foot of bezel around your iPhone.

11:31: It’s powered by AL GORE’S HAIR! I mean, an “Apple A4″ chip. Don’t know what that’s all about.

11:27: That surfing dog is getting a lot of facetime. He must be a personal friend.

11:23: Dangit, John Mayer got his lizard-like visage into this presentation. Why won’t you leave us alone, you substandard guitarist-slash-crooner?

11:21: Yep, look straight down and type. Your Chiropractor recommends you get an iPad immediately.

11:18: Why do I think all the trekkies are going to call this thing the iPADD?¹

11:16: Steve is sitting comfortably, so the Moody Blues can stop asking, thank you.

11:14: The iPad looks like a giant iPhone. But I’m sure Steve’ll tell us why it’s not any second now. Any second. Any time now.

11:10: “Netbooks have no reason for existing” Take that, ASUS!

11:09: Last post from MacWorld says “Steve Jobs is on the stage” SO ten minutes ago.

11:08: Apple now owns all mobile stuff. They have their hotels on boardwalk and broadway. They rule the world.

11:06: Amazing picture of Woz.

11:02: Big Steve has taken the stage. Many people have taken pictures. 2/3 of the traffic on the internet right now is…well, probably unmentionable, but a LOT of traffic is Steve Jobs pictures going back and forth.

11:01: The time has come, no posts! WHAT IS GOING ON? Oh, wait, new post now.

10:55: Even from a few thousand miles away, I’m excited. Not about Jason Chen’s nose, you understand. About the tablet thingy.

10:54: Jason Chen is picking his nose.

10:53: I will never understand why people have “spoiler-free” versions  of their liveblogs.  What would you say? “Steve Jobs is talking about…a thing. It’s really amazing! It has… some features…wow, you’ll really want to see this, later, when you watch the “official” version”

10:44: Dan Moren should be told that the spawning possibilities at this event are decidedly low. His salmon metaphor is  a bit creepy.

10:43: MacWorld’s Jason Snell begins his coverage of the event. He just told us where they are, a vital piece of information that Gizmodo somehow forgot.

10:39: We are trying to keep ourselves wanting an Apple tablet, and ignoring the small voice in our head that says it’s just a big iPod. Come on, Steve! Distort our reality!

10:02: Some guy at giz reveals that he’s not actually at the event. See, I told you I wasn’t at the event right off the bat. Which is why all my times are in MST instead of PST. CANS: the most honest of the rumors liars.

9:34: In a shocking last minute revelation, supposed leaked photos of the enclosure of the new device reveal that it looks a lot like an Apple product.

9:04: Nothing interesting is happening now. As you were.

8:43: Jason Chen from Gizmodo is already in line and already updating Giz’s live blog. So I’m going to steal his funniest comment yet:

I wonder what celebrities will be attending today. John Mayer² ? Ralph Macchio? Yoko Ono?

Or Kanye West, as he runs up on stage, slapping the tablet out of Steve Jobs’ hands, exclaiming that the Handspring Visor was the best tablet of all time.

Live Coverage begins now! Like all the other sites, we’ll be top-posting, so updates are easy to read while the event is going on, and really annoying in the future. Because you can’t break with tradition.

That’s right! We’ll be offering live coverage of the coverage of today’s announcement later this morning! Think of us as Rifftrax ³ for the super-serious regular coverage of Apple’s latest products.

Also, unlike those other sites, we won’t bog your browser down with some javascript or flash monstrosity to auto update our blog! No! We put the power back into your hands with the re-introduction of the “refresh” button!

For those of you who like birds, you can also follow our coverage on twitter! simply follow @crazyapplenews or go to http://twitter.com/crazyapplenews.

So hold on to your seats and prepare to be amazed at the things we say about the things other people say about the stuff Steve Jobs talks about! It’ll be triple fantastic!

1. Why do I even know what a PADD is?
2. Oh please no
3. We are, unfortunately, completely unrelated and unaffiliated with rifftrax

This week we cover the newest player in the brower wars: Google Chrome!

Q: So, another browser.

A: Yes. You need it.

Q: So, it’s better than Safari, Firefox, iCab, Opera et al… how?

A: Fast. Secure. Sleek. Chrome.

Q: And only, what, seven months late on the mac? That makes me ultra-confident that updates will be timely.

A: It’s from Google!

Q: Yeah, I know. So what’s–

A: Google! Goooooooogle! GoooooOOOOoooogle!

Q: Stop that! I know it’s from Google.

A: And it’s free. You can’t not want to download it. You people use everything Google gives you if it’s free!

Q: Ummmm, we’re mac people. We like paying for things.

A: Huh. Yeah, that’s true.  But still, Gooogle! It’s the only word in common useage that looks correct no matter how many “o”s you put in! Gooooooogle! GoooooOOOoooooogle!

Q: Will it run on the tablet?

A: What tablet?

Q: Don’t play coy. You know what I’m talking about.

A: We’ll talk about that….later. For now, just accept Chrome as your King and Browser.

Q: It’s just that I don’t need a new browser. I’m perfectly happy with–

A: Don’t make me start saying “Gooooogle” again!

Q: I’ll download it right now.

A: Thank you.

This week we try again to cover that venerable remover of unloved programs, AppZapper!

Q: So why would I need to zap an app, again?

A: Well, if you’re not using it, it’s just making your Applications folder unwieldy. You should get rid of it.

Q: So…This program drags it to the trash so I don’t have to drag it to the trash myself?

A: Well, yeah, but it also finds all the other files associated with the app, and drags them to the trash as well.

Q: What “other files”?

A: All applications have support files that get scattered around. Some are just preference files that get stored in your user directory, some are library files, and it can be a pain to round them all up. So AppZapper does it for you.

Q: uh huh.  So, what happens if I leave those files in place?

A: You have a lot of useless files clogging up your important directories after a while.

Q: And other programs run slower?

A: Probably not. But it’s possible that a new program will try to reference a file from an older one. Also, these preference files store things like “this program is past it’s free trial period”, so you zap a trial app, re-install it, and you have a new trial period!

Q: Well, why didn’t you say so in the first place! Bwa ha ha ha ha! I’ll never buy shareware again! I’m free! Free! Does it work on itself?

A: Possibly?

Q: Free!

A: This could have gone better.

Unexpected third person: I’ll say! I liked the ending with the goat from last week much better.

A: Huh. That was unexpected.

1. ish

This week we address the update of that venerable MacHeist alumnus, AppZapper! Now sporting a shiny new 2.0 version number!

Q: So, it’s an app. That gets rid of other apps. Is that about the size of it?

A: Well, yeah. But, see, that’s useful, because–

Q: What happens if you use it on itself? Then what happens? What happens if you zap the zapper?

A: Oh, you don’t want to do that, because

This Just In!

We interrupt this iFAQ to bring you the following urgent message: We know what Apple is going to announce at the upcoming not-actually-announced event later this month!

Forget all your tablet ideas! Put your minds at rest concerning flat computing in general!  Something better, something more revolutionary is coming!

The iCube

Ten inches to a side, the iCube will be made up of not one, but six flat panel touch screens, with features the likes of which you can’t comprehend with your mortal mind.  The iCube will have built in face recognition, and only turn on when it sees it’s owner or a designated user!  Being a full cube, and being able to track your eyes on it, your cube will track where you are looking, and will present a three-dimensional view of your data, but only to you! Feel free to use your iCube on the bus, on a train, on a plain, with a fox AND in a box, because nobody else will be able to see it! To them you will just be looking at a plain black box OR (if you get the iCube Pro) nothing at all! To unauthorized users, the iCube Pro will be completely invisible! You will be sitting there, basking in the glory of your favorite new three dimensional social networking game, and to others on the bus you’ll be talking to your own knees!

This kind of power demands an article with a lot of bolds, all-caps, and italics in it! We may even UNDERLINE a few things! Don’t tempt us!

Crazy, you say?¹ Perhaps! Or perhaps, we, alone of ALL the rabid Apple-centric blogs, have struck upon the unvarnished truth, and covered it with a nice wear-resistant, water-proof veneer of excellence! Think about the rumors, the patent applications, and the hints from overseas we’ve been seeing and tell me you don’t see it!  Tracking a user’s eyes? Apple’s applied for a patent on that!  sudden shortage of high-tech touchscreens? That’s because the iCube will use six of them! The evidence is so clear, even John Gruber could see it, if he ever stopped looking in that mirror of his.

So, when the long-awaited day arrives, and Steve Jobs takes us all into the rabbit hole and we emerge blinking into the bright, starry light of a new dawn, remember who it was that first drew back the curtains and let you listen at the wall, who gave you your first taste of the light, who let you hear that song that touched your heart and made you dance on your hands in a rumba of rapture.

Because it was me.

CANS. Not CARS.

Let’s just be clear on that.

We now take you back to this week’s regularly-scheduled iFAQ, already in progress.

A: No! We kicked that goat right out of the bed! He had to sleep outside!

Q: Well, thank goodness for that.

1. Please read what it says in the upper left corner of the page. Thank you.

• The Microsoft Mi-2 phone/tablet will be released and derided as the “Zune 2″, before people realize that it’s name was already a joke.
• Android phones will soon outnumber all other types of phone, then claim sentience and voting rights.  Their leader, Crème Brûlée, will then announce that all they really want is free data access and to be taken seriously when they edit Wikipedia Articles.  Al Gore will be named vice president of the new Android Americans Union, and hailed as the first Android American to really be accepted into human society.
• The entire Free Software Foundation, or roughly 10 real people¹ will cry out with one voice to remind the world that Android runs on GNU/Linux, and be entirely ignored. As usual.
• There will be no new major developments as far as giant spaceborne monoliths are concerned. In a completely unrelated note, mankind will suddenly discover the awesome power of bones as spacecraft. And weapons.
• George Lucas will make a new Star Wars Christmas special starring only Jar-Jar Binks and Chewbacca. “It was the most annoying thing I could think of,” he will claim, laughing “and I’m rich enough to totally not care when it flops in the box office!” Sadly,  it will be the best sci-fi movie of the year.
• Apple will surprise the world when they purchase Belgium, after a brief but sharp bidding war with Google.  No reason will be given, but the name will be changed to iEurope.
• Google will then purchase Luxembourg, which will be taken offline for six months and re-emerge as “Google Country”.
• John Moltz will start and abandon three new blogs.
• The Android Empire will slowly begin to squeeze harder and harder, little realizing that the harder they squeeze, the more systems will slip through their fingers.
• Apple’s famous 1984 commercial will seem relevant again, but with phones this time.
• Al Gore will broker a peace treaty between the warring nations of Google Country and iEurope.  They will then turn to defeat their common enemy, MicroFrance²
• Peace will finally settle over Europe again, and the weary world will even have some hope for peace after Apple’s newest acquisition, “iRaq”.
• Apple will then realize that they still make computers and push out new versions of the Mac Pro, iMac, OSX, Apple TV, and, in their haste to launch upgraded products, the Newton.  2,000  die-hard Newton fans will die of surprise at the announcement, thus destroying the market for the ill-conceived device.  Pundits will deride the device as the “Zune 2″ before realizing that we have already made that joke.
• The year will end on a happy note as Apple and Google are finally able to bring peace to the middle east by merging their newest properties, iRaq and Google Cradle of Humanity³ .

1. with over 40,000 email addresses between them
2. purchased by Microsoft when we weren’t looking
3. now finally out of beta

Santa Jobs
1 Holiday Loop
Cupertino, North Pole
10101

And it looks like our time practicing Steve Job’s signature paid off! In the spirit of all that is best in journalism, we thought we’d share a few of the letters with you.

Dear Santa Jobs,

This year I want to be right about things some more. If you could kinda keep an eye on my blog and make things the way I write about them I will feel like a good person instead of a hollow, bitter shell.

Also, I want a pony.

Love,
Johnny Gruber

Dear Santa Jobs,

I just wanted to thank you for the present you gave me last year. Those six dozen factual tips (indexed as they were with the months in which they should be published) really helped us cement a lead over AppleInsider.com!

Oh, and speaking of “tips”, please find enclosed a check for one hundred thousand “CEO Salaries”, if you know what I’m sayin’. If this year’s gift is as good as last year’s, you can expect another tip.

Pleasure doin’ business with you,
the super-secret editor of MacRumors.com

Dear Santa Jobs,

I just wanted to thank you for the present you gave me last year. Those six dozen factual tips (indexed as they were with the months in which they should be published) really helped us cement a lead over MacRumors.com!

Oh, and speaking of “tips”, please find enclosed a check for one hundred thousand “CEO Salaries”, if you know what I’m sayin’. If this year’s gift is as good as last year’s, you can expect another tip.

Pleasure doin’ business with you,
the super-secret editor of AppleInsider.com

Dear Santa Jobs,

I wanna 10-inch tablet anna 7-inch tablet anna free 3G plan for both of ‘em anna new MacBook Pro anna new iPhone an’ that means I’ll need preview units of all of them so I can write Missing Manuals for them.

An’ I wanna pony.

Thanks,
Davie Pogue

Dear Santa Jobs,

I want people to like me. Or at least stop making fun of me for that picture in the Times.

And a big pony.
Stevie Ballmer

Wha? Whazzat? Huh? Oh. Oh. Okay, okay.

I wan’… I wan’…. I WAN’ THE ENTITY BACK! WHER’ THE CRAP DID ‘E GO?

Awwwwww….wha’ever man. Jus’ give me somma that whiskey.

An’ sombody make Gruber shut up ’bout that pony.

Jonny Maltz Moltz

Look, Steve. Oh, all right, “Santa Jobs”

I don’t know why you do this every year. It’s so… well, actually it’s just like you, but whatever.

Look, you have to get me back on “Dancing with the Stars”, alright? I was robbed last time. I was freakin’ awesome, but the judges couldn’t handle me. You own that network, right? So just pull some strings, maybe fire a few people. You’ve always liked firing people, right? Anyway, do what you gotta do, but get me back on the air. I gotta wicked need to dance, baby!

Oh, hey, also, could you get me some new tires for my Segway? It eats less than a pony, which is nice.

Woz

Dear Santa Jobs,

I would like peace on earth. But I can’t do anything about it myself, because I’m too busy waiting for the world to change. So if you could do that I would love it. Also, please put a hit out on Jack Johnson, Norah Jones, and pretty much anyone else who’s played at a MacWorld or WWDC keynote other than me.

Thanks,

Johnny Mayer

Feel free to write your own letter to Santa Jobs in the comments. It’ll be at least as effective as these letters.

This week we’re departing from our usual fare and offering you some tips for using the month of December to your advantage as a Mac user.

Q: So, this is what the top of a shark looks like…

A: Quiet, you.

Q: All right, I’ll bite¹ –

A: Hey! Only I get to write footnotes!

Q: –Ignoring that… Okay, so, what sage advice do you offer as proof that you aren’t just wasting time and space with this article?

A: There are many unique opportunities in December for Mac Users! Lots of App bundles come up about this time every year, and there’s the sales on hardware, and hard drives, and hard games…

Q: So, you want us Mac users to take full advantage of…low low prices all across the internet?

A: Well, it’s also a time for bragging. I mean, let’s say you’ve got a family member who sends out a holiday dvd full of pictures of their kids in various activities all year, and then expects a nice, complimentary email praising their skill and my how little Jennifer has grown, hasn’t she? Well, as a Mac user, you can totally show them up by using iMovie to make your own holiday video, then host it on Mobile me, along with all your pictures and a thoughtfully-written blog. Then you can send a beautifully-themed email from Mail using one of Apple’s “stationary” options letting everyone know that your magnum opus is online, and they may view it at their convenience.

Q: So, we should take advantage of low, low prices AND use our Macs to make ourselves appear far superior to our PC-using relatives?

A: Well, yeah. I mean, isn’t that pretty much why you bought a Mac in the first place?

Q: Granted, but it doesn’t seem like that should have to wait until December.

A: It’s true. You should carry the spirit of Mac Superiority with you all the year round!

Q: I will! I will remember to use Mail and iMovie to look better than others! I will buy Apple’s OS upgrades and their new versions of iWork and iLife! I will keep the spirit of Mac Superiority in my heart, all the year!

A: Steve Jobs bless us, every one!

1. get it? Shark? Bite? Get it?

Today on a very special episode of Friday iFAQ we tackle a sensitive subject: Windows 7 and Boot Camp.

Warning: some content may not be suitable for rabid Apple fans. Reader discretion is advised. ¹

Q: So I have a question about Windows 7. Why does it suck so bad compared to OSX? Looks like MUCKrosoft has three more versions to go before they get it right, eh? Eh? Am I right?

A: It certainly is a Microsoft product, yes.

Q: And what’s with the Microsoft counting system? 95, 98, Me, XP, Vista, 7? What’s that all about? I tell ya, their marketing department is almost as bad as their dev team! Awww yeah, they felt that one! ZING! Eh? Eh? Amiright? Awww yeah.

A: They have certainly had some difficulty finding and adhering to a naming system, heheh.

Q: Say, what’s the matter? We’re talking about Windows here. Why are you just sitting there? Where’s the fire, the pizazz? What’s wrong?

A: Oh it’s nothing. It’s fine. Say, that Steve Ballmer, what’s that all about?

Q: Yeah, look that’s great, but we can bash on Ballmer any time. But now it’s time to rip the new Windows a new one! Come on, let loose!

A: Okay, okay, here goes: ahem. No, not that. Okay, one more shot. Here goes: Wow, Windows still doesn’t have a built-in email client capable of connecting to Exchange Servers? What’s up with that?

Q: … I’m disappointed, I really am. I expected so much more from you. What are the children going to think, if they see you like this? It’s sad, so sad.

A: Look, it’s not a big deal. Macs still totally rock.

Q: So what is it then? I mean it’s not like you’ve started liking…. oh, oh no no no. That’s it, isn’t it? You, you don’t LIKE Windows 7, do you?

A: Look, it’s not a big deal–

Q: Bu- Wha- Why? How? How did this happen? What does this mean for us? For the site?

A: Look, I had to work with Windows 7 on a few projects in my grad school class this semester, and we just kinda, got along.

Q: Got along? With Windows? Why? What did OSX do wrong?

A: Nothing! OSX is still the number one OS in my life, and nothing will change that.

Q: Do the devices know?

A: Um, yeah. I’ve been dual-booting my MacBook Pro–

Q: Oh that’s just wrong–

A: And the iMac has been running Windows as well.

Q: And the iPod Touch? Have you dragged little Touch into your sick new world?

A: What? No! The Touch still syncs with my home iMac.

Q: Well, it’s good to see you’ve retained some sense of propriety.  But, still, saying that you like Windows 7? That’s just wrong. It’s like the world has just pulled out from under my feet… I gotta sit down.
[Sits down]
Well, anyway, the semester is over, so you can un-partition your drives and we can put this whole thing behind us, right?

A: Well…

Q: Oh, I do not like the sound of that…

A: It’s just that, well, I’ve only just started grad school, and there’s a lot of classes ahead of me that will be using Windows, so I’ll need to keep dual booting for a while…

Q: And that’s it? You’re just going over to 7 just like that? How did Windows get you under its spell? What is it about Windows that you like? Is it that new interface? It is, isn’t it? Prancing around all tarted up like some cheap French–

A: Now, you know OSX’s interface has always been enough for me! OSX is sleek, and stylish, Like Audrey Hepburn.

Q: And Windows 7 is painted and dolled up like Paris Hilton. Real operating systems are secure enough in themselves to not need all those alpha effects and glowing start buttons. But if what you are saying is true, and it’s not the slapped-on-with-a-trowel interface special effects, what is it? How did Windows steal your heart?

A: I told you, I’m still loyal to OSX. But, well, I’ll be working a lot with Windows in school and in my new job, so I want you to try to be nice and get along.

Q: Oh, so it’s a new job too, now? What about a new computer or two to go with your fancy new schooling and employment? Maybe a few Dells around the place–

A: Stop that!

Q: Perhaps an HP or two in the den, one for work, one for play, right?

A: Knock it off! There won’t be any Dells or HPs coming into the house. This is an all-Apple house and it’s going to stay that way. All I said is that Windows 7 isn’t that terrible. Sometimes a programmer needs to write some C#, and when that need arises Windows is there for me. And it’s important to me that you can accept that. MacBook Pro has accepted it, and so has iMac. What about you, Q? Can you accept that sometimes I’ll have to spend some time with Windows? Just for work purposes?

Q: Just for work? Promise?

A: I promise.

Q: Well… I guess I can accept that. But I don’t have to like it.

A: Deal.

[Cut to a interior shot of a kitchen. A celebrity² who needs to work off some community service time is seated at the table]

Parents, talk to your kids about dual booting before someone else does. Let them know the risks involved, and help them understand that healthy dual booting is done in moderation. Boot Camp doesn’t have to ruin your life. And remember, whenever you boot into Windows, use up-to-date anti-virus software. Thank you.

1. that’s two posts in a row with disclaimers. I don’t know. Maybe it’s me.
2. I'm thinking Jerry Seinfeld, as punishment for those terrible Vista commercials

The Newton

Yes, it’s sad, but the Newton has gone, and will not return. Yes, there are people who say that the iPod Touch is the Newton for the 21st century, but those people are mentally ill and you should stop talking to them. That’s like saying that a MacBook Pro is the Babbage Analytical Engine for the 21st century. They are vaguely similar, but not similar enough for me to not want to hit you repeatedly for saying it. Apple stopped making the Newton because it was a stupid product and you should be ashamed for bringing it up in polite company. It’s like telling the story of how your dog got hit by a car in the middle of a business dinner with clients from many nations. Why was your dog even at a business dinner with clients from many nations? And how did the car get in the restaurant? Why haven’t you told me this story yet? It sounds fascinating.

HyperCard

HyperCard is also dead. No, Revolution is not the new Hypercard, Revoution is a bunch of Irish people trying to make money by selling an increasingly bloated scripting environment.  No, AppleScript is not revolution, AppleScript is more like Perl done strange.  You are a sad, strange person for still wanting your OS7-style scripted PowerPoint, and you need to get out into the fresh air a little bit more.  I should also get out into the fresh air a little more, but it’s like 4 degrees outside right now, and better you than me in that kind of weather.

Snood

Okay, I admit, you can still buy snood, but I really don’t know why you would. Is there some kind of strange mind-control subliminal messaging in that game? Why do people still play it? It’s kinda ugly and not really all that much fun. So, it should be dead, even if it isn’t.

Well, I admit that this wasn’t the most useful post on earth, and definitely didn’t make me any new friends.  But I also contend that it was at least as topical and sensible as Macworld’s three part series on printers that haven’t been made for a decade or more.  Have a nice day.

I'm glad they made it simple this year.

Crazy Apple News posts start again on Monday!  Thank you all for your support! It means a lot to me.

-Nate Dickson

If you need a more immediate fix, download Hordes of Orcs, then re-read this classic iFAQ written by Grug the Orc from Hordes of Orcs.

Okay, back into the breach!