Crazy Apple News Site

So, with Apple’s huge reported stockpile of cash, rumors of the technology superstar acquiring other major players–such as Twitter or even EA games–abound. But all the pundits have overlooked the most obvious and affordable possible acquisition that Apple could make:

This site.

That’s right, we have it on good authority¹ that Apple has been looking at getting a sense of humor any time now, and we feel that a good way to start would be to purchase the craziest of Apple News Sites.

For only $.5Million Apple would have access to all of the following:

• Friday iFAQs!
• Ruby Ninja Androids!
• Made up stories about their board of directors!
• Up to three (3) loyal comment-makers per post!
• My, er… My Twitter Updates!… over there…?

And so much more! Just like Twitter we have no revenue, no income, and no real business model, yet we are rumored to be available for so much less and can thus theoretically  pass the hypothetical savings on to Apple!  What’s more, we are actually somewhat related to Apple, unlike some Pogue-centric microblogging services.  Yes, CANS is² an amazing bargain!

But wait, there’s more! If Apple acts now we will also throw in, absolutely free of charge, my vintage Core³ Duo iMac, and 40% interest in coals2newcastle.com, my other technology blog!  All for a mere fraction of what the rumors sites think Apple would pay just one web-texty messagey site people keep talking about!  So, if you are a major innovator in the personal electronics industry, don’t wait! An offer this good comes around only once every couple of weeks! Call now! Operators are standing around.

1. our dog at 2:30am in a dream [↩]
2. the grammar is correct in this case, I promise. [↩]
3. note that there’s no “2″ here [↩]

Not funny things are happening at CANS HQ. More when they stop.

For more information please see my personal blog, and the entry on this topic:

Natedickson.com

Is cheaper than ever before, and still basically awesome. If you want to give a blogger a hand, please consider using the following link if you decide to buy it:

http://www.macheist.com/bundle/u/33343/

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

Today, in response to user input, we are doing our first ever iPhone App article!¹ So sit back and learn all about the many uses of the Kindle App for the iPhone!

Q: I can’t read me enough books!

A: Me neither!

Q: So I was six kinds of excited when the new Kindle app came out, because it meant I didn’t have to buy non-Apple hardware!

A: Very loyal of you. So you just loaded it into your iPhone or Touch and were glad you saved the $350, huh?

Q: Weeeeeell, I had to go buy a touch first.

A: But you were planning on buying one anyway, right?

Q: Nope, not really.

A: So, you bought an iPod Touch just so you wouldn’t have to buy a non-Apple Kindle.

Q: Yeah. I figured, I’ve already got a 120 GB Classic, I don’t really need another iPod, but books, well, that’s something different. I have to carry my Kindl…Touch and my Classic in different pockets, though. ²

A: You still use the Classic, even though you just bought a Touch. You must have a lot of music.

Q: Oh yeah! I’ve got, like 5 GB of songs on that bad boy. Do you know how long it would take to listen to all that?

A: About two and a half…

Q: Two and a half days!

A: So you have a 120 GB Classic in one pocket, nearly empty, and an iPod Touch in the other pocket, with no music, just the Kindle app.

Q: Wait, you can put music on an iPod Touch? I thought they were just for accelerometer games! That’s what the ads show!

A: Well, at the end of that first ad The Hands use Cover Flow to find one of my favorite albums ever,³ but yeah, that’s what the ads show.

Q: What else can you do with it?

A: Um… Everything? Check email, weather, keep your calendar, use different apps from the App Store besides the Kindle app…

Q: What? The App Store isn’t all just accelerometer games and fart sounds?

A: Well, that’s most of it, sure, but there are other things as well.

Q: Wow. Now I’m really glad I bought the Touch instead of a real Kindle. I figured the extra price was worth it just for the color screen, but now…wow. Just wow.

A: And we wonder why we’re in a recession.⁴

1. Except for the Fromage one. So we’re really doing our first ever iPhone app iFAQ [↩]
2. Because they fight. You didn’t see it in the last article, but the Classic makes fun of the touch for not having a click wheel. [↩]
3. Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots by The Flaming Lips [↩]
4. Also introducing: My first ever political commentary! And probably my last! [↩]

Sorry, Can’t blog now. I just got a brand new, free Kindle from Amazon.

On my iPod, baby!
Oh yeah! Now I can spend even more money on Amazon.com.
With my free Kindle.
Awesome.

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we continue the iLife ’09 Odyssey with iWeb ’09, Apple’s latest foray into writing webpages for you.

Q: So, I noticed that iWeb now lets you publish to any FTP site, instead of just to Mobile Me. How do you think this will affect their visibility in the marketplace?

A: You know what needs more visibility in the marketplace? Off-Road Velociraptor Safari, that’s what!

Q: What?

A: That’s right! It’s a web game where you are a velociraptor driving a jeep around in the past…

Q: What?

A: …and get points for running down other velociraptors!

Q: What about people using iWeb to create online photo galleries?

A: They can play too. And after you have run down a raptor you have this giant glowing ball thingy that comes out of the back of your jeep that you use to pick up the velociraptors and “export” them to the future, because they’re delicious!

Q: Is this some kind of odd metaphor for iWeb’s new export feature?

A: Stop changing the subject. You also get points for doing damage to your jeep, doing stunts like jumping really far, or going on two wheels, and stuff like that. But mostly it’s about the slow motion shots of a raptor bouncing off the hood of a safari vehicle at 75 mph.

Q: I hear iWeb pages look really good in Safari…

A: Yeah, yeah, iWeb is totally standards compliant and stuff. Listen, one time when I was playing, I was on top of a cliff, and there were three raptors on the edge. So I gunned it and turned sharp at the last second. I hit all three and knocked them off the cliff at the same time!

Q: Didn’t you fall off too?

A: Yeah, but you get points for that. So anyway, I then picked up one of the raptors and used it to knock over four others. It was awesome!

Q: I’ll take your word for it.

A: And the game is written using the Unity game engine, which means it has far better 3D graphics than a flash game, and it uses realistic physics to emulate collisions, falling, and all that good stuff.

Q: How much do we really know about raptor physics?

A: I can’t answer that. I have to go try to export 20 raptors in five minutes. Bye.

Q: So, I’ll just finish up here then, shall I? Well folks, if you want a personal website, but don’t like writing websites, use iWeb. 100% raptor-free!

Welcome to the amazing UNIX Timestamp 1234567890!

Tens of thousands of people are seriously thinking about calling in sick today with hurt feelings as the MacHeist-spawned gang wars rage across the internet.

“This one guy said that my team wasn’t cool! That’s not nice!”, said ElBanditoCaptain652542, which is a name I hope I made up just now. “I don’t even know why I’m on my team. Or what that means. Or anything. Now I’m too sad to go to work.”

Indeed, despite the fact that the individual points and team rankings are determined by a system so opaque that even Apple would be proud of it, people are still using their newly-found colors to boost their egos at the expense of others.

“Orange Team! Kicking the buts [sic] of all teh [sic] other colorz [sick]” posted reMonkey4335453223344. His post was followed by similarly coherent statements from members of all the other teams.

Surprisingly enough, we were able to contact the secretive “directorate” and get a quote from them.¹

“Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha *GAAAAAASP* hahahahahahahaha!” Said Phill Ryu, While John Casasanta mixed things up a little with a “Bwa ha ha! Heh heh, hehehe, HA HA HA HA HAAAAH! haha.”

We here at CANS would like to thank MacHeist for creating a situation of which even William Golding would be proud.

Apple was too bewildered to comment.

1. Not true. People who are new to this site, please look at the title of the site. Thank you. Now calm down. [↩]

Okay, this year I’m gonna do it.  I’ve talked about it for the last few years, acted like it was gonna happen, but this year I’m really gonna do it.  I’m gonna make it happen.  That’s right; this year I’m participating in National Novel Writing Month!¹

50,000 words, 30 days.  I got some characters. I got an idea for a story. I got the software, I got the drive, I got the ambition. Sure, it’ll be a sacrifice.  I won’t get to write long, loving posts about my G1 when it gets here on the 10th. I won’t get to start the tradition of letting the Ruby Ninja Androids write a post on the day after Thanksgiving.  But it won’t be that bad. After all, It’s only 1666.66 words per day, and this post is already up to, what… 190 words² I’m in trouble.

I’ll post things here until November 1st, to get in shape and give you something to look back on during November. I’ll write posts next month as well, but they’re gonna be more novel related than Mac news. So if you hate terrible amateur novels, please tune back in on December 1st.  I don’t blame you. For those brave souls who hang on, don your sailor’s caps, because it’s Terrible First-Draft Prose ahoy!³

1. If I was into special effects there would be, like, fireworks or something here. [↩]
2. I write posts non-sequentially. There were two sentences after this one when I wrote that.  I also added some stuff before it. Stop trying to figure out the numbers. Like counting John McCain’s houses: It’s just not possible. [↩]
3. not that this is a major departure from my usual writing. It’s just less mac-themed [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we return to an old favorite who just got a new look. That’s right, HyperCard!  Er, no, I mean, iTunes 8.

Q; Is iTunes 8 really all that different?

A: Hoo yeah!

Q:…

A:…

Q: Care to elaborate?

A: Sure!  I mean, the genius mode alone is more awesome than a bag of tap dancing penguins.  And then there’s the new grid view for all media types. That’s just awesome. I mean, seriously, what could be more awesome than having ten icons that all say “Dance” on them?

Q: Why would you have ten “dance” genres?

A: Who doesn’t? Techno, DJ, Hip-hop, they’re all “Dance” to iTunes.

Q: O-Okay, whatever. I gotta tell ya, though, I’m just a little worried about the “genius” thing.  Does it really need to send the entire contents of my library to some creepy server in Cupertino?

A: There aren’t any creepy servers in Cupertino!  And anyway, it’s completely anonymous. Just because the server knows that someone has the complete works of Yanni in full, uncompressed 256kbps glory doesn’t mean that it knows who that loser is.

Q:  Heh heh, yeah, what… what kind of loser would have a complete Yanni collection?

A: But what they would know is that a person who listens to the works of Yanni also likes John Tesh, and they can help people build Yanni/Tesh playlists, with some Neil Diamond thrown in to “spice things up”.

Q: Ewww, I don’t like Neil Diamond… I mean, um, yeah, that works.

A: It also helps avoid the embarrassment of Party Shuffle pulling up your previously-mentioned Vanilla Ice collection when you’re trying to listen to Beck-like music.

Q: That wasn’t me, that was a different FAQ question-asker.

A: There’s more than one of you?

Q: Yes.

A: Strange.

Q: Is it true that the “Genius” will insert any John Mayer you have into any playlist it creates?

A:  It was in beta, but something seems to have come between John Mayer and Apple, and he’s been replaced.  I wonder what could have happened with that relationship¹?

Q: Yes, It’s like there was a painful conversation between them²

A: Well, I guess we’ll never know³.

Q: So now is there some new “most favored artist”?

A: Jack Johnson.

Q: Cool.  So, If I make a genius playlist based on, say, “Penny Lane”, then I’ll get the most Penny-lane-esque Jack Johnson song?

A: Oooh, no can do.  iTunes don’t do no Beatles. But you would be amazed how well Johnson’s Hawaiian groove blends with Coltrane.

Q: Awesome.

1. foreshadowing [↩]
2. heavy foreshadowing [↩]
3. What could they be talking about? [↩]