Long have I wandered, friendless and alone in distant lands. Far have I driven, far have I flown, and when I was not flying or driving I was playing host to a host of visitors from foreign climes. Thus do I seek to excuse my lack of Apple-centered craziness for the last few weeks..
And what have I learned? What treasures do I bring from my sojourns? Treasures of knowledge? Rich spices from Idaho? Alligator teeth and knowledge of the fountain of youth from Florida? Red Dirt from Moab? Well, yes to the last one. LOTS of red dirt. So much red dirt. Seriously, half of southern Utah is still in my wife’s Suburban. But rich spices from Idaho? What do you want? Beet sugar? Potatoes? They have those. But I was in Boise, where all they have is a mall and lots of suburbs. And Trees. And a river. No spices though, is my point. Not a spice-laden region of earth.
But, I have just invented one treasure that I bring to you, a genuine, made up letter from Steve Jobs to all Apple employees, titled “Some Thoughts On Being the Best”
Some Thoughts on Being the Best
Heed me, O Minions,
The great day is soon upon us. The war that started with the humble iPod has seen its killing stroke in the iPad. We now rule the mobile world. Let us therefore celebrate! Make glad! Feast we now on ambrosia and drink we deep the mead of victory!
In your case this means you get an extra fifteen minutes on your lunch break this Tuesday. Being drunk on work time is still a firing offense.
But we must not stop now. There are still those who have sought to cast aspersions on our rise, magnifying our few flaws into “gates”, seeking to embarrass us. This shall not stand.
Also, Phil Schiller shall no longer stand next to me. He’s too tall. But I digress. Elegantly, intelligently, perhaps, but it’s digression nonetheless.
Many of you have wondered at the new campus, and indeed you should, for it is a wonder of the modern world. But why? Why have we put the time into making this round wonder, and what inspired its design?
Well, the click wheel of course. But there’s more to it than that.
Soon, our masterpiece will be finished, then shall the chosen employees be taken up in our new Campus to the true new campus: The moon.
Yes, in order that we may escape the slings and arrows of outrageous Windows users, all key Apple employees will be lifted to Apple Luna, our new campus on the near side of the moon. This position will give us many advantages, not least of which is the fact that on the moon I can expect to live a good thirty or forty more years, and by that time I expect that we’ll have some kind of immortality treatment. But again, I digress.
From our inaccessible fortress we will watch them fight each other, Windows vs. Linux and periodically we shall send down our blessings upon them in the form of new mobile operating systems and Jony’s latest thinking in industrial design.
He’s really into pleather lately, so expect some interesting new iPads, by the way.
Apple Luna will be ecologically sound, as there is currently no plant or animal life on the moon. Our terraforming efforts will begin immediately, and we expect that in a few years we will be ready to open the houses on One Lunar Loop. Until then you’ll all be basically living at your desks. But the cafeteria will be cheaper, in recognition of the unique situation you’ve been put in, which is to say, fully dependent on Apple for all food and housing and everything.
Those of you who have not been assigned desks in the new complex probably don’t need to worry about packing. After all, we need a few people here planetside to keep things on track.
Steve.