Crazy Apple News Site

Market researchers with too much time on their hands have made an astounding discovery.
“We have conducted polls of over 2000 people and found that all but one of them agreed that ‘paying less is better than paying more’.

“And that one apparently thought we said ‘We should pay Pauly Shore’ a point of view that is naturally untenable.”

However, the data from this poll seemed doomed to be unproven, until Apple released Snow Leopard.

“Suddenly we had a real product on which to test our theory,” said the same lab-coat-wearing geeky-looking guy. We never did get his name. “Snow Leopard cost less than Leopard AND gives no money to Pauly Shore! It’s the perfect product! So you can imagine our surprise when Snow Leopard sales have been significantly stronger than Leopard sales.

“We’re talking pants-wetting levels of surprise, folks.”

Steve Ballmer has reportedly been mock-stomping copies of Snlow Leopard in Microsoft all-staff meetings, but this has not had any noticable affect on sales.

Meanwhile, with all major announcements concerning new iPods, tablets, and iPhones either in the past or far in the future, Apple rumor sites have already started speculating on sales figures for OSX 10.7 “Gruber”.

Current estimates on AppleInsider say that 10.7 will sell 40 million copies in the first day. Apple was unwilling to comment, but pointed upward, raised their eyebrows, and nodded significantly.

Based on current trends in Internet rumors and pre-release information, it has become obvious that the iPhone, once thought to be the most innovative and creative high technology device to come  down the pike, is in fact the least good thing ever.

“I love the Zune HD!” raved the entire staff of Engadget, in unison. “It’s going to be  so much better than that Apple thing! I mean, look! It plays movies! and it has an accelerometer! Sure, it doesn’t do HD radio, which is where it’s name comes from. And yeah, some of the menu items sometime gets cut off the edge of the screen, but how could Microsoft know how big that screen was going to be? Don’t listen to the haters.  When Microsoft finally releases it it’ll be the best thing ever ever ever!!!!!1!!”(sic)

Meanwhile, Gizmodo was equally excited about the Palm Pre. “The Pre is going to change the way you communicate with the world around you! It comes with a revolutionary on-screen keyboard! Who woulda thought of putting your keyboard on the screen? It’s just so awesome! And from Palm! There’s a name that’s synonymous with agility and innovation! I mean, look at the Palm OS! Version 5 looks so much different than version 4! They’re hardly even identical! And now they’ve got a brand new OS based on HTML! It’s amazing!  Well, I mean, the screenshots are amazing…I haven’t actually seen it yet… at least, not a fully functional model. But still, HTML!”

Meanwhile, the entire Linux world couldn’t shut up about something called “Cupcake” for the Android OS, but every time someone tries to explain it to us we get a headache.

Chris Pirillio got so excited about the onslaught of new devices that he had a little accident.  

Clearly, in the face of such giants of innovation like Microsoft and Palm, the iPhone, with it’s billion downloaded apps, a community that is trying to get new apps into the store as quickly as possible, and a stable and profitible company behind it, hasn’t a prayer.  Once you add in the enormous pressure that the Android OS is bringing to bear on the beleagured giant, and you can pretty much just kiss your sleek little device goodbye.

Somebody tried to tell the pundits about the possibility of Apple releasing updates to the iPhone at next month’s WWDC, but they were too busy drooling over grainy videos of people using the Pre to notice.

Playing with the “Genius” on my iPod nano:
Songs on my iPod: 2282
Genius playlist built using:
“Shiny Happy People”: track 3: “Roam” by the B-52s
“Elevation” by U2: track 6 :”Roam” by the B-52s
“Ana Ng” by They Might Be Giants: track 2: “Roam” by the B-52s
“Lost!” By Coldplay: track 20: “Roam” by the B-52s
“Moonlight Sonata” by Beethoven: Genius not available
“Bookends” by Simon & Garfunkel: track 13: “Roam” by the B-52s
“If” by Pink Floyd: track 7: “Roam” by the B-52s
“Roam” by the B-52s: iPod locks into “Repeat” mode. Requires hard reset.

I’m starting to see a pattern here.

P.S. This post written on my T-Mobile G1

With a slew of new products like the iPhone 3G, Mobile Me, Snow Leopard, etc. on the horizon, people are more upset than ever with the performance of Leopard’s Time Machine backup software.

“What I want from a time machine is the ability to move around freely in time,” said Jason Patrick, who we’re pretty sure is a real person. “Instead all I get is a sissy versioning backup system with an incredibly cool spacey thing going on behind it.  Who needs that?  What I want is a way to be the first one in line for my new iPhone!  Useless! ”

And Mr. Patrick is not the only one.  There is a growing feeling among the Apple community that they aren’t being given what they deserve as loyal fanatics of the world’s most advanced operating system, and that their blind faith in the company is being unscrupulously manipulated.

“I’ve been unscrupulously manipulated!” claimed Douglas Fairbanks of Fairbanks, Alaska. “When Apple tells me that they’ve created a time machine, I don’t go around asking questions and trying to know things.  I don’t want a lot of backtalk and lawyer-speak about how it can only recover files from the past.  I expect Apple to produce a full-on H.G. Wells style device for traveling willy-nilly through the time stream! How does Apple expect me to wait a full 45 days for Mobile Me? Whassat?  Yeah, I know that today’s the 18th and it comes out on the 11th, but I’ve been waiting in the past as well.”

Some feel the problem stems from the hype created when Apple CEO Steve Jobs does one of his famous keynote presentations.

“Steve Jobs creates in Apple followers an immense desire to immediately purchase the products he presents, lest they incur his wrath and are damned from the Infinite Loop forever,” says John Gruber.  “When he then tells them that they have to wait, that they must return to the mortal coil iPhone-3G-less, and with not even a Snow Leopard to comfort them, they get a bit testy. Then they get angry, then remorseful.  They reason that the fault belongs to their external backup device, and not with their almost infantile desire for immediate gratification.  Fortunately, I get preview copies of things, because I’m an incredibly successful ‘new journalist’. Yeah! How’s that taste, punks?  I write a blog and get a preview iPhone! What’d you get for your blog? A freshly baked batch of ‘you suck’ with sprinkles, that’s what!”

Merlin Mann, however, believes that Apple’s lack of future-powered Time Machines is a design feature.  “If you could simply go to when you already had things done there would be no need for “Getting Things Done”, which would nullify the need for GTD software, mantras, filing systems and ultimately lead to chaos.  Apple is aware of this and has bravely withheld their powers that humanity may survive.  But I get preview units too, so I really don’t care.”

Up to this point in time, Apple has refused to comment.  What the future holds is as yet undetermined.

While the “Chuck Norris Facts” thing is generally recognized as over, new research suggests that Mac users got away from the craze earlier than Windows users.

“It is suspected that Mac users are more up to date and urbane than their windows using counterparts,” noted John Hopkins of Johns Hopkins University, adding, “So Mac users wouldn’t say something like ‘Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one’ at the end of a quote like this.”

“Oh come on!” replied Paul Therott, “Everyone still loves Chuck Norris facts. Look: I just made one up: ‘Chuck Norris can upgrade directly from Windows 95 to Vista’ See? Hilarious!” Steve Ballmer was similarly incensed. “Chuck Norris-based humor is a major cornerstone of all modern operating systems. Windows 7 won’t boot up, it’ll be roundhouse-kicked into functionality instantly.”

John Gruber, however, felt that the findings of the study “were exactly what I expected. I mean, no one is going to laugh at something like ‘ Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.’ Heh. Hee hee hee. Hmph. Hmmm. Excuse me. Nor are we impressed to hear that ‘Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice’. We’re urbane, busy, intelligent people who have to argue about what Apple is going to name 10.6.”

Others in the Mac world have taken a different tack, seeing now as a perfect time to capitalize on the Chuck Norris wave by attributing hyperbolic attributes to their favorite media icon.

“David Allen doesn’t read books, he just puts them into his inbox until they are filed under @home @read,” writes Merlin Mann, who admits that his “David Allen facts” are a long way from being T-shirt worthy.

Perhaps not surprisingly, Linux users were seen hoarding Chuck Norris references against a time when they would be funny again, as they have done with other web memes.

Apple was contacted for a comment, but all they would say is that their favorite fact is:

Chuck Norris has the greatest poker face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a joker, a Get Out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green 4 from UNO.

Since its launch, iPhone has been the smoothest, sleekest communication device on the market, able to place, hold, merge and separate calls all from a simple, intuitive interface. This is all well known.  However, one less commonly known feature of the iPhone is its ability to smooth over the actual conversations held using an iPhone.

“My girlfriend called me and told me she was leaving me because all I do is play Neon Tango for upwards of fifteen hours a day,” said Jason Simmons of Rose Park, Washington.   “But when I demonstrated the ability of the iPhone to conference in my mom, her mom, and some telemarketer that called me while we were on the phone, she was convinced that I was the man for her.  Now we play Airburst Extreme head-to-head every day!”

Others have found that the iPhone works equally well in work situations.  ”I called up my boss, to tell him I quit and he can take this job and shove it,” said “Beve Stallmer,” an employee of a large corporation in Washington who wished to remain anonymous.  ”When I got off the phone, however, I was CEO of the company!”

Apple has been quiet about this conversation smoothing technology, but an unnamed source did tell CANS staff that “Steve felt that it would be detrimental to the iPhone’s image if it were to carry crude or painful conversations, as people might associate the iPhone with the work or relationship damage done.  So it was decided that the iPhone would be able to intelligently screen your calls; replacing painful or damaging comments with comments more prone to make people feel that you are intelligent, hip, and basically, a perfect Apple customer.  Now as long as you never speak to people face to face, no one ever has to know that you’re an overweight, opinionated geek!  As you can tell, I’m not using an iPhone right now.”

Apple may have made comments, but all we heard was “Have a nice day” over and over again.