Crazy Apple News Site

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we respond to Apple’s latest, greatest new product. No, not the Magic Trackpad. The Magic Trackpad is just part of a MacBook Pro Gone AWOL. No, this week we talk about the Amazing, the Incredible, the Apple Battery Charger.

Q: Really?

A: Really.

Q: This isn’t like, some hoax to get us to talk about the Magic Mouse, or the Magic Trackpad, or the Less-Magic iPhone 4–

A: Whoa whoa whoa! We don’t say the “i-4″ word around here, son!

Q: Right, right, sorry. So, you really want me to ask questions about a battery charger.

A: And I will answer them. Right. Go ahead.

Q: Okay, well, um… how about this: “Why did Apple decide to make a battery charger?”

A: I’m glad you asked!

Q: Hey, that’s what I don’t get paid for around here.

A: You see, since the dawn of time¹ mankind has had to replace batteries in things that need power but not cords.

Q: Yep.

A: Things like Walkmen, Electric Cheese Graters, or poorly made radio-control cars from Radio Shack, all have needed some way to convert stored chemical energy into electric energy.

Q: Wake me when the infomercial is over, ‘kay?

A: But this poses a problem: putting batteries in landfills is like stabbing the Earth in the face. Over and over and over.

Q: That got needlessly graphic in a hurry, now didn’t it?

A: It did indeed my friend, it did indeed. But Lo! On the horizon! Who is that that approacheth? Who cometh with a solution in his outstretched hands, borne on wings of brushed aluminum?

Q: And now we’ve gone all the way to needlessly messianic.

A: Behold! The Great Steve! He reaches down, and bestows upon the earth a way to significantly reduce the damage done to our dear earth mother, while still enjoying the benefits of wireless devices of all sorts!

Q: As long as they take AA batteries…

A: And in his great wisdom he has finally rid the charger of its vampiric ways, reducing its needless consumption of electricity by a fulsome 90%!

Q: And now he’s a vampire hunter. What happened to your continuity people?

A: They’re sitting on the couch behind me watching Ice Age 3. But that’s not important now.

Q: Good movie though. If you like needless sequels.

A: I do. Now… Dangit. I lost my train of thought.

Q: Let’s see here, um… “fulsome 90%…” is where you left off, I think.

A: Right, right. Fulsome. Lotsa savings. Look, I can’t get back into that groove. I’ma try a new one. Dude.

Q: [sighs]

A: So, anyway, if you like, need your Apple fix, but, like, you also care about all Our Fellow Creatures, then this is, like, exactly what you need.

Q: You’re too young, son. Your hippie/beach-boy thing just doesn’t work.

A: Yeah. Anyway, look, cool silvery batteries, cool charger, works in your periperals, buy it, done.

Q: Um, yeah, okay.

A: You just threw me off of my game, is all.

Q: Sorry…?

A: Yeah, look, it’s fine. Whatever.

Q: “Isn’t Ellie supposed to be the one with the hormonal imbalance?”

A: What?

Q: Sorry. Just quoting Ice Age 3.

1. January 1, 1970. The start of the UNIX epoch [↩]

(note: since our current Crazy Apple News coverage is on break, we are borrowing from one of our temporal affiliates, the Future Apple News Site)
(Second Note: Technically, this whole post should have a thing that says “with apologies to William Gibson. But I’m not apologizing until he does. He knows what he did.)

Product Comparison: iDeck vs. The Ono-Sendai Hosaka Deck

The venerable Apple, Inc.’s entry into the cyberspace deck market has spurred a considerable amount of conversation and speculation. Will Apple’s years of interface experience give them an edge over the current market leader from Ono-Sendai? Or will cyber cowboys reject this more consumer-driven device?

In many ways, the devices are similar: they both work with the industry standard Hitachi 40 point connectors, although they both require a special adapter to do so. They both offer a gateway into cyberspace, of course. However, the iDeck’s streamlined simstim interface will make it easier for “iCowboys” to jack into other peoples’ sensory feeds, as well as connecting to construct ROMs. The iDeck is also more portable, and offers higher resolution thanks to Apple’s advanced ‘trode placement band.

On the other hand, supporters of the Hosaka point out that the older, battle tested deck offers greater customization potential, as you can jack any program into your deck, whereas the iDeck will only run apps purchased in Apple’s virtual AppStore, which incidentally is where you will find yourself whenever you jack in.

“Look, we all know Apple is never going to approve anything from Huang, and there are times where you need some specialized….security software,” said the construct of Case, one of Cyberspace’s premier cowboys. “The iDeck is fine for casual users, but corporate customers aren’t going to try to do business with the Yaki without some good tools on their side. And for now, all the best business software is written for the Hosaka.”

Apple points out that iHack ’35, their premiere security testing suite, will be available in August, but industry pundits remain skeptical.

“if you think iHack is going to be anything like as powerful as the stuff we’re seeing out of Night City you need to check behind your ear for a loose microsoft,” Case’s recorded personality said.

In other news, Microsoft announced that Windows CyberDeck XLT will be available in the Sprawl early next year, making it 47 years since they released CyberDeck 28.

Every Friday we fail to publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we talk about the one thing that changes everything: the iPhone. Again!

Q: So, it’s got a really pixelly screen, right?

A: The Retina Display has a surprisingly high pixel density, yes.

Q: And it’s got more RAM, right? and, like, two cameras?

A: We don’t talk about RAM on Apple products. But yes, there is a front facing camera now.

Q: And it’s made out of glass or something, right?

A: These are just barely questions.

Q: Look, it’s a phone. It’s just a phone. What makes your iPhone so special?

A: Well, there’s an OS that actually works–

Q: Oh, yeah, that new iOS. It’s based on OSX, right? So I guess that’s pretty cool.

A: Yep. It’s stable, solid, and has more available apps than any other mobile platform

Q: For more money than any other platform! Oh, and it gets built in advertising! I mean that’s a Google move if ever I heard of one.

A: Oooooh, them’s fighting words, pal.

Q: Look, don’t get me wrong, Apple’s a business, right? We all know that. So they need a way to make ever more money on things. But when I’m using an App I don’t want to be interacting emotionally with the ads. I want to be flinging birds at green pigs in improbable buildings.

A: Oh yeah? Well, yeah, okay. But still, it’s better to have it all centralized and pretty, right?

Q: Sure, if you’re already an Apple fan. But who else is going to think that draconian vetting of ads in apps that are in a store that already has draconian vetting–

A: Your grandma.

Q: She runs Linux on a Beowulf cluster, dude. Look, I know what you’re trying to say: people who aren’t tech savvy don’t really care where the ads or the apps are coming from. So fine. But we should have some kinda choice, right? I mean, look at OSX: it’s all kinds of open. And it benefits from it. ANYBODY can write an application for the Mac and as a result, there are some great ones out there.

A: You got mean when you got sick, you know that?

Q: Sorry, dude. Gettin’ all dehydrated in a park whilst surrounded by Apple freaks didn’t do much for my mood.

A: Well, we’ll forgive it for now. But remember: mean is only okay when it’s funny.

Q: Okay. And you remember: don’t talk about presentation until the mics are off.

A: What? Oh, Dangit! I always forget–

Last week’s Friday iFAQ was cancelled, indeed a number of iFAQ’s have been severely compromised recently, due to Q’s decision to go stand in line for an iPad. We worried that he didn’t come back right away, but figured he was just playing with his iPad a lot. To be fair, that’s what we were doing, so we didn’t think much more about it. But when he still wasn’t around last Friday we started to worry. So we went out to find him. This is what we found.

Friday evening, we are waiting for Q to show up and record the iFAQ with us. When our usual 7pm appointment came and went we decided something was up. A called his cell phone, but Q wasn’t answering. We decided to go out and look for him at first light Saturday morning.

A quick note about appearances: You may think that the real Q looks like the Q you see on the webpage as you read each week’s iFAQ. But that’s just a cue, to let you know who’s speaking. There aren’t giant queues of A’s and Q’s standing around on each web page, although that would be cute.

No, the real Q, the actual, living glyph, has a house in the upscale Avenues district of Salt Lake City¹ and is a hearty 48-point Copperplate Gothic Bold upper case individual. At least, he used to be.

On Saturday morning we went down to the Apple store, looking high and low for Q, shouting “Q! Q! Where are you?” At one point John de Lancie showed up, and it wasn’t until he had called us fascinating mortals and wondered at our determination at continuing our menial existence that he got bored and pointed us to our fallen comrade.

Q was in a bad way. He hadn’t had any electrons or even pigments in days, and had passed out.  He had lost way too much weight, indeed his serifs were almost completely gone. His color had de-saturated to the point that he nearly blended in with the concrete, and his alpha channel was so weak that you could swear you could see your hand right through him. He looked more like a 5-point Helvetica Neue lowercase than his normal robust self. We immediately gave him a thin broth of weak ARGB values and started trying to figure out how to get him to a good foundry.

Ideally, of course, we would have taken him to Hermann Zapf himself, but weren’t sure he would survive the trip to Germany. Adobe is much closer, but current tensions between them and Apple left us unsure of the help we would receive at their hands. Finally we contacted Ross Carter (creator of the amazing PageHand) for help, knowing him to be a lover of fine typography, and not one to stand by idle while a poor glyph suffers.

“Q was in a bad way,” Ross told us later. “The CANS guys had made a good start, and his saturation was up to more stable #C0C0C0, but he was still fluctuating wildly. I transferred him into a PDF to keep him from getting any worse and started him on an Alpha drip.”

Q started to recover, growing more opaque and finally getting past the iffy 8-pt mark, but he’s still weak. We predict that he won’t be able to leave PageHand’s support structure for at least another week, which means we’ll have another substitute Q this Friday. But he’s already making jokes and is optimistic for a full recovery.

“I’ve got some good questions in mind, real zingers,” he told us, smiling a little. “I just hope A can keep up.”

1. He lives on the corner of 14th and Q [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we bid a loving farewell to Apple’s venerable “desktop” operating system, OSX.

Q: Desktop? What’s a desktop?

A: Well, you see, back before there were iPhones and iPads, even before the ancient MacBook Air first crawled out of the primordial ooze, there was a thing called a “desktop computer”. It was kind of like an iPad, except for less portable.

Q: What do you mean?

A: Well, desktop computers didn’t have batteries, you see, so they had to stay in one place all the time

Q: Barbaric!

A: And they didn’t have touch screens, so you used a physical keyboard and a “mouse” to move the cursor around on the screen.

Q: I’m not okay with the rodent metaphor.

A: Many people weren’t. So that’s why Apple in their wisdom freed us from the scourge of non-portable computing.

Q: Were there any good things about these monstrosities?

A: Oh sure! Like, you could get apps from anywhere, even from stores not owned by Apple!

Q: No such thing!

A: And you could have screens of up to 30″ inches across, sometimes even two of them! But even the most humble of these gentle giants had at least 17″ of screen space.

Q: What would anyone do with that much space?

A: Well, remember those programs you could get from anywhere? You could run a WHOLE BUNCH of them at once, and Apple’s operating system for the desktop machines would let you switch between them, or even have two of them up on the screen at the same time.

Q: It’s like the future happened in the past!

A: There were many things in that era that are lost to us now, like the secret of Exposè, or devices that could be upgraded without being totally replaced. But Apple knows better for us now. They have declared that we must all compute on smaller screens that go with us everywhere, and blessed are we that follow in that righteous path.

Q: Amen.

A: Yet here is irony: those that create apps for us to use on our devices must still use those ancient beasts.

Q: What? How can this be?

A: Indeed, the desktop is not yet fully removed from Apple’s eye. The all-powerful XCode, that which generates the apps of the iPad and iPhone, does not run on our liberated devices. Indeed, it only runs on OSX, that most graceful of past OS’es.

Q: There is some serenity in that thought.

A: Yes, there is hope. The stationary ones may rise again; indeed Apple may yet release a new version of OSX. We can but wait. And hope.

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we hop right up on that bandwagon and take your questions about the not-actually-released-to-the-general-public iPad!

Q: So how do you like it so far?

A: I’m sorry?

Q: Your review iPad? How is it?

A: Oh, right, the…the review iPad that Apple sent me. Yeah. It’s great stuff. I mean, it’s all… all shiny, and…full of features…¹

Q: You don’t have a review iPad, do you?

A: No, I totally do! It’s right here! In…in fact, I’m writing these responses on it right now!

Q: Why don’t you have a review unit? I mean, Pogue does, that one really hard to spell guy does, Gruber probably has four, heck, even Stephen Fry got one. But they just skipped right over you, huh?

A: I don’t know what you’re talking about! I’m using that iPad all day every day!

Q: I mean, Pogue, of course. And Mossberg, sure. Even Gruber’s a given, because he’d whine really really loud if they didn’t give him one to play with. But then there’s you. Left out. In the cold.

A: I know! What’s up with that? Of all those guys, I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who has been Apple Product Professional Platinum Certified from 2005-2009 continuously² Mossberg wouldn’t know how to strategically position the value of MobileMe if he had Nimitz, Sherman and Patton helping him! If anyone could help them move ‘Pads, it’s me. But no. Just give ‘em to the noisy guys. Hmph.

Q: You wanna talk about it?

A: No. I’ma go sulk until I get in line to buy an iPad tomorrow. Like all the normal people.

Q: All the “normal people” with $500-$800 to chuck at a new toy.

A: Dude, these are Apple people.

Q: Right, right. Sorry. Forgot there for a second.

A: Well, you’re new. It’s forgivable. This time.

1. Except for the features that Ive thinks would have detracted from the experience. [↩]
2. No, really, I have. Every year. [↩]

So, we were sixteen kinds of excited to have special guest star Jony Ive answering questions for this week’s iFaq. However, instead of a list of stylish answers to our fanboy-esque questions, all we got was this:

So, um… We’re thinking he’s not actually going to do the iFAQ this week. And what with our Q still standing in line and our feelings all hurt, we’re going on to other things. More posts soon.

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week: the sensation that everyone’s been talking about: Steam on the Mac! since our usual “Q” is still standing in line for his iPad, we have once again enlisted the help of Grug the Orc from Freeverse’s¹ Hordes of Orcs to help us explore this hot new trend in Mac Gaming.

Q: Grug not see why Grug has to talk about competitor’s product.

A: Hey, Steam has a lot of potential, and Freeverse could easily tap into it, you see, Steam is a great online content delivery and account management system…

Q: Grug know what Steam is! Grug orc, not stupid. You think that just because Grug not speak perfect English that Grug doesn’t understand the value of an integrated content marketplace and social network. If Grug so stupid, why you not speak Orcish, instead of make orc speak English?

A: Gosh, you’re right. I have no idea how to speak Orcish.

Q: … Actually, Grug speaking Orcish right now. Turns out Orcish is broken English in Grug’s world.

A: …

Q: Hey, Grug created by programmers, not J.R.R. Tolkein! Cut Grug some slack already.

A: Ooookay. Moving on. If you’re so smart, why do you keep walking into all those traps?

Q: Not Grug’s fault! That how program works. Grug just object; must respond to calls on public methods. Although it true, sometimes Grug feels like lemming.

A: Lemmings don’t actually run into the sea, you know.

Q: No, Grug mean 10-pixel-tall lemming from old computer game Lemmings, not furry mammal from arctic countries.

A: Oh, right. Hey, that was a fun game!

Q: Yeah. Grug always feel sorry for exploder lemmings though. Not their fault door opened in stupid place!

A: Yeah. Anyway, Steam.

Q: Look, if good Mac games get on Steam, great. If only Valve games on Steam, what the big deal? Maybe some Freeverse games get on there, maybe not, Grug not say. Apparently Grug only good for answering questions from two-bit blogger-man.

A: Hey, ouch.

Q: Eh, Grug call ‘em like Grug see ‘em. Not too good at tact. No real need, out there in the trenches.

A: When you’re getting shot fulla arrows?

Q: No, when answering support calls at call center. Seriously, some people so stupid.

A: Well, that’s all the time we have. Hopefully you’ve gained a better understanding of the world of Mac games and how it’s changed with the entry of one of the PC world’s biggest names.

Q: Not much, that’s what Grug say. People still stupid.

A: So until next time… oh, and if you happen to wander past the Apple Store, give Q some food and tell him to come home. He can get his iPad like the rest of us.

1. It should go without saying that Freeverse had nothing at all to do with this article. Any opinions expressed here are probably stupid, but don’t blame them for that. Blame our failed educational system, and most of all, blame yourself for not caring more. [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we were going to talk more about that most irritating and yet strangely addicting of social networks, but ran into some technical difficulties, as follows:

This week we’ll be writing short messages about twitter, the social network for people with ADD! So ask your questions!

…

…

A: Um, shouldn’t there have been a Q: about here?

A: Yeah, I’m not really supposed to be the opener on these things. Hang on. Sorry folks, just let me call him…

[phone rings]

Q: [on phone] hello?

A: Q? Hey it’s A! Where are you man?

Q: Oh yeah, the thing, right. Look, I can’t make it this week.

A: What? Why not?

Q: Yeah, I’m standing in line for my iPad.

A: Line? What line? The iPad will be shipped in like, two weeks! You can have it shipped to your house!

Q: Sure, if you’re a wimp. Look, I got my reservation in earlier, but I read on twitter that if you’re not at the store by like, 9:03 they’re just gonna start giving them to whoever waves money at the bored Apple Store clerks.

A: So just have it shipped to your house! You don’t even–

Q: Besides, the whole thing is to be there, you know? To be part of the mystique, part of the launch group. To be the person who really “gets” the iPad, instead of just someone who gets it in the mail.

A: Munchin’ on some brownies in the line are we?

Q: Well, it’s not really a line right now, because they called the cops, so a bunch of us are just hanging out in a park nearby. We’ve resolved we’re not going home until April 3rd.

A: Oh yeah, that’ll make the Apple employees want you in their nice shiny store.

Q: It’s not what they want, man, it’s what the iPad wants. It demands devotion. Anyway, look, you’ll never understand me, so I’m out. I gotta save battery power on my iPhone, you know? because there aren’t really any outlets in this park and
[click]

A: Q? Q? You there? Drat.

So you can see our problem. We’re screening applicants for a temp Q position for the next few weeks, which could become permanent if the original doesn’t survive two weeks in line. We’ll keep you posted.

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we answer the mysterious question: What the crap happened last week?

Q: So, what the crap did happen last week? You were all “I’m going to Cali, baby!” and nobody heard from you again.

A: Gaaah, I started that post like six times, but various computer glitches kept eating it, or scrambling the words, or some stupid thing. the most coherent thing to emerge from the wreckage was a comparison of my seat mate on the flight to a wildebeest.

Q: Weak. Sauce. Try. Harder.

A: Look, I’m not starting that post again, man. At one point the hard drive on my iMac self-destructed, and I had to take it into the shop for a new hard drive,¹ and when I rebuilt from my Time Machine backup my post was completely NOT on the backup.

Q: So those four of us who follow this blog are doomed to forever vaguely wonder if anything happened when you were in the home of the free Google Wi-fi?

A: Google Wi-fi rejected me. I wrote about that before the GREAT HARD DRIVE CRASH.

Q: So, you got anything for us?

A: Look, I feel bad, really I do, but writing about that trip is a curse. So instead I’ll just throw in something I wrote on that trip, that I was saving for your birthday.

Q: No, not gonna cut it.

Ngmoco Buys Freeverse

Q: And I get ignored again.

A: H2 tags can’t hear you. Now Shhhhh! the article’s starting.

We here at CANS HQ were distressed to learn that Freeverse, one of our favorite software vendors, from whom we have borrowed characters, is being purchased by Ngmoco, an iPhone game company. This news is odd, sad, and depressing, which is probably a good summation of the internet in general. But that’s beside the point.

Freeverse was our first introduction to mac games, with their Big Bang Board Games that shipped free on our iMac. The games were simple, but clean and Mac-like, with lots of polish and interaction. Over the years we found them to be equally excellent at other programs, from the actually useful Periscope² to the much needed port of Heroes of Might and Magic V to the Mac, we’ve relied on Freeverse to make easy-to-use, well designed software, and we’ve never been let down.

In recent years we’ve also done a very small amount of testing for Freeverse, and found their staff to be friendly, intelligent, and generous to a fault.

And now they’re being purchased by a company that formed, like, what? Three weeks ago? A company whose empire is based on Rolando: the story of a cartoon ball. This is kind of like some kid who just won a huge cash prize in a Risk tournament buying General Patton.

The question is: will they continue to make Mac games and programs? It seems unlikely. the iPhone/iPad platform is easier to write for, and has a huge base of people just waiting to devour your latest creation with minimal advertising. So desktop games and apps lose again on the mac and more people start to wonder if Windows is really all that bad.

Or maybe we’re blowing the whole thing out of proportion. (We are) so we’ll stop now. It’s not much, but we just wanted to thank Freeverse for the excellent games and wish them well in their new adventures. May the monkey ever be on your back.

---

A: See! See? How was that, eh? Pathos, humor, nostalgia, that post has it all!

Q: Did you want to borrow some black nail polish emo-boy? Whiny. that’s what it was. Whiny.

A: Whatever man. That’s David Pogue level Pulitzer material.³

Q: So, what we get from your trip to California is NOT EVEN a stupid T-Shirt, but a stupid article.

A: Okay, well, maybe you’ll like this post:

MacHeist Mails it In

Three months after the expected beginning of MacHeist, we get, not a new heist full of interest and prizes, but a cheap bundle of good but ininspiring software. Well, we here at CANS arent’ going to stand for it. I mean, yes we’ll buy the bundle, heck, we already have. But we’re not going to like it–

Q: Nope! Not interested.

A: Hey! Stop that!

Q: Alright look, you had a hard week, got it. I’m gonna go hang out with the Macalope for a while. Come back when you got something interesting to say.

1. this actually happened. On the plus side my iMac now has a 1.5 TB hard drive [↩]
2. which I used as a security camera in my room in California [↩]
3. I put that in just so David Pogue would read this and get mad at me again. Hey, negative attention is still attention! Ask any three-year-old! [↩]