Crazy Apple News Site

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we look at a program that’s dear to our heart: Scrivener.

Q: Oh come on. You’ve been doing Scrivener-heavy posts since you started this site.

A: True, my friend, but it’s never had it’s own iFAQ.

Q: That can’t be right. You wrote a Scrivener iFAQ just last… wait, no, I’ll find it…

A: Hmm, yes, that supposed old post is hard to find, no?

Q: Well, I guess you haven’t done a Scrivener iFAQ.

A: Or perhaps it’s just… disappeared!

Q: Yeah, no. Given your track record you probably just forgot to write it that one week.

A: You know who makes people forget things? GHOSTS. Perhaps you read my old Scrivener iFAQ and your memories of that moment have just been… spirited away.

Q: Dude, stop it. So, why should I use Scrivener? Why not, say Storyist, Ulysses, WriteRoom, Or StoryMill?

A: Do not mention the names of those hulking wrecks in my presence!¹ I bring to you the name of the one angel of goodness and utility and you sully the conversation with sycophants and hangers-on!

Q: That’s…not really what I did at all…

A: Silence! You dare come to my huge crumbling neo-Victorian mansion seeking shelter from the driving rain, and then insult me in my own huge, wood-paneled study with a giant Grandfather clock ticking ominously in the corner!

Clock: TICK…TOCK…TICK…DOOM…TOCK

Q: How did you even get that thing into the studio?

A: That’s nothing, wait until I really get going and start playing my huge pipe organ. Would you like to see my mighty…

Q: Stop it.

A: Sorry. Now, where was I? right, clock, right. Ahem. When I pronounce to you that Scrivener is the most sublime of all writing programs, you can be assured that my statement comes from the wisdom of the ages. Ages through which I have lived and lurked, watching humanity from behind leaden glass, their pomposity and self-importance turning my stomach. Worms. But now the time has come. Now I will have–

Thunder: CRASHHHH! BOOOM!²

A: My revenge!

Q: By advocating people use a good non-linear word processor?

A: Aha! That is but the first step in my plan! A plan so devious, so soul-shaking that strong men will quail and strong women will continue to be really good at stuff!³ Quail, then, mere mortal, at the sheer audacity of my plan!

Q: … I still don’t know what your plan is.

A: Indeed, indeed you don’t! But you shall…after I write a 50,000 word novel about it in November! Then the whole world shall know my plan! Bwahahahahaha!

Thunder: CRK-CRK-BOOOOOOM!⁴

Q: So your evil plan is…to take part in NaNoWriMo.

A: And write a novel so terrifying, so soul-shaking that your very soul will be shaken!

Q: Okay, then have fun with that. I’ll just–

A: THERE’S A SPIDER ON YOUR HEAD!

Q: I’ll just be over here. Outside this door. Leaving.

A: Time to start playing the organ!

1. Note to people who like those hulking wrecks: Some of them are pretty good programs. I have purchased licenses to all of them except Ulysses. Ulysses makes rats barf. [↩]
2. We only paid for a “Crash”, but Thunder is a bit of a ham [↩]
3. Have you ever noticed that? My wife is ten times better than me at most things. I mean, she’s driven forklifts on the docks of a salmon processing plant in Alaska, then went inside and fixed some giant machine with some duct tape and a wrench. What’s that all about? [↩]
4. This one was completely improvised, but we kept it. [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we cover Chill Pill, the little feed aggregator that isn’t.

Q: I read a lotta feeds.

A: You got the need to feed.

Q: I NEED to read.

A: This rhyming thing’s gone to seed.

Q: Indeed.

A: So, what’s the problem?

Q: I’ve got the fever…

A: Stand over there please.

Q: No, I mean, I’ve got the fever feed aggregator running on a server, but I hate using web browsers to browse the web.

A: The inside of your head must be a frightening place.

Q: Some times, my friend. Some times.

A: That to one side, your problem seems to be that you don’t like going on the web to get information from the web.

Q: You make it sound silly.

A: So, what is it you want?

Q: I want a way to read my feeds without using Firefox, Chrome, Safari, Opera, Shiira, OmniWeb, or the others.

A: Haven’t we spoken about your browser addiction before?

Q: Yeahhh I really don’t pay much attention to things you say, so It’s unlikely that I’d remember that. You gonna help me or not?

A: Then what’s the…Why do I… *sigh* Okay whatever. Look. You say you’re using fever, right?

Q: Right.

A: Okay then. Use Chill Pill.

Q: What’s that?

A: It’s a single site browser. And by ‘single site’ I mean it only browses your Fever page. You get all the features of a browser with out any of the freedom!

Q: And that’s a good thing now?

A: Well, it does a few things like let you re-theme your fever, and track how many new items you have, and stuff like that, but pretty much, yeah. Look, ask a stupid question, get a–

Q: AWESOME application! This is perfect! Now I can show off the fact that I’m so rich I spent thirty clams to run software on my own server to basically do what Google reader does for free! It’s the ultimate in hipster techno-snobbery!

A: I saw them once. They were opening for Ironic Grunge Retro. It wasn’t a very good show.

Q: Everyone will be all “oh hey, you must really be in to the news and stuff” and I’ll be all “nah, I just like to keep an eye on things, it’s no big deal” and they’ll think it’s really a big deal in their heads, but they’ll play it off like it’s nothing but I’ll know, Oh, I WILL KNOW that they are full of avarice-flavored angst.

A: This got off on an ugly tangent, so I’m gonna leave now, ‘kay? Okay.

Q: I mean, they’ll already kinda hate me for the way that I carry my big ol’ 17″ MacBookPro around everywhere, and how I spend five minutes whenever we meet somewhere setting up my Magic Mouse and my Magic Trackpad, but the fact that I’m throwing money at things that they do just fine for free will be the final nail in the cake, the frosting on the coffin that makes them start writing poems about my death. This is so much better that I even could have hoped for! Hey, where’d you go?

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we talk about something that people apparently do when they aren’t in grad school while working and raising kids: sleep.

Q: So, you’ve finally run out of mac software to make fun of, huh?

A: Hmmm? Wha? No. There’s ton of stuff out there. Thersa, thersa lotta software left. For example, I don’t think I’ve ever written about XCode!

Q: So, why don’t you do that one today?

A: Honestly? Because I’ve spent so much time in Visual Freakin’ Studio on Windows 7 that I can’t remember what Objective-C even looks…looks at trees.

Q: Trees?

A: Bah! Don’t you talk to me about trees. Especially binary trees.

Q: Why would Objective-C look at trees?

A: Everything looks at trees. We all have to look at trees. All day, every day. That’s basically all I do any more. Wonder why trees lose left children and leave off leaves.

Q: Normal human beings don’t have any idea what you’re talking about…

A: In a splay tree data structure…

Q: Whoa! Hey! I didn’t say we were interested! I just said we don’t know what you’re talking about. But you’re not talking about sleep.

A: Sleep is what happens when you decide that smashing the G, E, Z and F6 keys simultaneously with your face isn’t helping you get any closer to understanding right double rotations. Well, no; sleep is what happens after after you trip over the dog after deciding that smashing the G, E, Z, and F6 keys isn’t opening any doors in Windows or Linux or Mac, or Mac the Knife. That shark has pretty teeth, dear. Dear, that shark has pretty teeth.¹

Q: I can’t decide if I should feel sorry for you or just walk away.

A: Why not both?

Q: In a minute. So, do you have anything to say to your disappointed fans right now?

A: Steely Dan is a far better band than the Eagles.

Q: Controversial and timely. Well done. Okay go trip over a dog.

A: Ten-four, Roger Wilco. I’ll see you in Space Quest II.

1. I just rotated that sentence. [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we engage in Omphaloskepsis and emerge with OmmWriter Dāna, the serene plain text editor for you.

Q: Serene master, my brain is like a million monkeys with no taste for Elizabethan drama, yet I sense that, in the middle of this welter, there exists some grain of wisdom that I might share.

A: In what way do monkeys plague your thoughts, my son?

Q: Each monkey steals a bit of my brain, and many of them put my thoughts on Twitter without my knowledge. Others are conversely addicted to the flow of monkey thoughts from all that I know.

A: Ah, Twitter and Facebook monkeys are formidable enemies of the serene warrior.

Q: And yet another monkey has grown overfond of the taste of potted meat product!

A: Yes, the Spam Monkey is also a fearsome warrior of distraction.

Q: How may I combat these monkeys, oh venerable one?

A: I’m 32.

Q: What?

A: I’m 32, I’m not “venerable”.

Q: Well, I couldn’t just call you “one” now could I?

A: You could have called me Dennis.

Q: You’re not called Dennis. And you’ve completely destroyed our serene mystical thing we had going on with your needless nerdy pythonism.

A: Look, I’ll level with you: OmmWriter can help. Quite a bit, actually. It tries hard to engage you both visually and aurally, so you’re less likely to break out and go look at email, because breaking from OmmWriter is a fierce jump, which slows your rate of random jumping. It also turns off your notifications via Growl, so you don’t see all the random stuff people show you.

Q: Ahh, and thus the monkeys are quietened. Thus may my true thoughts bloom as the lotus.

A: Indeed.

Q: How much will I pay for this ally in the war for focus?

A: The developers, in their wisdom, have left your donation amount up to you. Pay as much as you feel is appropriate.

Q: There is honor and merit in their actions.

A: As long as you pay more than $4.11.

Q: I shall do so straighta–

A: Or use the free version.

Q: Freedom is a treasured asset, a prize to be sought with all –

A: But I would pay to support their efforts, if I were you.

Q: To give to another is to increase the wealth of one’s sel–

A: And make sure the amount you pay ends in a “1″, because the devs think that’s lucky, and we should let them be lucky.

Q: You’re just going to keep interrupting me, aren’t you?

A: Yep.

Q: Okay, I’ll go be serene by myself and check out this OmmWriter thing. We’re don–

A: Okay bye!

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we tackle Apple’s latest iPoddish offerings mano-a-nano.

Q: What happened to my video camera?

A: Easy there. We don’t abuse <strong> tags around here like that, sonny.

Q: So now I have to pony up for an iPad Junior¹ to take full-motion video of my dog chasing his tail and running into a wall.

A: Wait, how often do you take that video?

Q: About once a week.

A: Now THAT is a dumb dog.

Q: He once attacked a leaf on the driveway.

A: Dogs do that all the time–

Q: And lost.

A: Wow. Now that’s impressive.

Q: You’d think so, but you’d be wrong. But the point is the nano, which was becoming a more and more respectable device with every iteration, has now become some sort of twisted, Lovecraftian demon spawn–

A: I’m gonna have to interrupt you there. You’re comparing this:

To this:

?
Really?

Q: Well, okay, it’s not all that bad, I guess. But still, all my favorite features! Gone!

A: Your camera.

Q: Well yeah.

A: Because all the other features are there.

Q: What? No they aren’t.

A: I mean, FM Radio, Nike+, Genius, it’s all there.

Q: No notes, no images, no movies, they’re all gone.

A: So what do you want to do? Cry? Buy a Zune? Maybe a Zen?

Q: Don’t be crass.

A: So, what’s your point?

Q: I just want…

A: Go ahead.

Q: I just want… I want Apple to love me.

A: There now, was that so hard?

Q: I mean, with all the attention they’ve been paying to the iPad and the iPhone, it feels like they don’t even care about those of us who use OSX and iPod OS anymore.

A: It can be hard to move on. But you’ve got to see the bright future beyond the current clouds.

Q: I don’t want to move on! I want everything to be the way it was before!

A: I know honey. But it will be okay, I promise. Listen, let me buy you a song on iTunes, like the old days. Will that help you feel better?

Q: That would…well, it would help.

A: Okay. Let’s go. But no more 90′s rap, okay? Pick something nice this time.

Q: I’ll try.

1. Why are we even calling the Touch an iPod any more? [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we, like Apple, revisit iTunes, that venerable jukebox-turned-media-center.

Q: I have so…many…questions! Can’t…ask…all…them!

A: Easy there, J.T.Kirk! Take a deep breath, and we’ll get to the bottom of this. Now, what’s on your mind?

Q: Ping? Why? Why? Life was so good, I was using my iPod, syncing with my library, watchin’ some movies in front row, and now BOOM!

A: Loud…

Q: Everybody I know is spying on me! Maybe even people I don’ t know are spying on me? I always feel like/ somebody’s watching me! (And I have no privacy!)

A: I’m gonna have that song in my head all day now, you realize that, don’t you?

Q: I have it queued up on iTunes 10 right now! It’s in my “Top 25″! But now, thanks to Ping! EVERYBODY knows that!

A: Listen, sparky, it’s an opt-in service! You didn’t have to opt-in! Nobody forced you.

Q: Oh come on! I’m a computer geek! There was a button, I pushed it! It’s what I do; it’s who I am. But I’m starting to have second thoughts.

A: That would imply you had first thoughts…

Q: I don’t really feel like I’m getting all that much out of the service, you know? I mean, All the stuff Lady Gaga and U2 are posting on Ping is also posted on Facebook, Twitter, and all the other “social” networking places that are basically just free billboards these days.

A: How very cynical of you to say so.

Q: And my friends, who aren’t button-pushing geeks, aren’t on Ping, so it’s just me and the celebs, me paying attention to them, them ignoring me. It’s like that I year I spent in New York with high-powered binoculars all over again.

A: Should I be calling the authorities?

Q: So, I guess that’s the real question.

A: Whether or not I should call the cops?

Q: No! What’s the point? Why do I need another social network? That centers around music, and is tied to my music? What do I get out of the experience?

A: Apple says you can find new music…

Q: Pandora does it better…

A: Follow your friends and your favorite bands…

Q: Like I said, Facebook and Twitter work just fine…

A: And–yeah, I don’t know. I’ve been trying to see the point all day too, it’s just not there.

Q: Sorry to bring you down like that, man.

A: Nah, it’s all right. I’ll be fine.

Q: Hey, listen, you wanna go see a concert or something?

A: Sure. How will we figure out what’s in town though?

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we dive into an oddly popular aspect of the iPad: eBooks. But you don’t have to take my word for it.

Q: I really like to read.

A: Commune with the thoughts of another.

Q: But I hate carrying huge books around with me.

A: No you don’t.

Q: So I was wondering if there was a way…what did you say?

A: You’ve never had a problem carrying huge books around with you until you discovered there was an alternative.

Q: What do you mean?

A: Oh come on. Anyone who reads is quite used to having a book or two on their person at all times. It’s not a burden, it’s part of life.

Q: Well, yeah, but it gets heavy!

A: Don’t get me wrong, there are a ton of benefits to eBooks, but don’t pretend you’ve spent the past twenty years pining for your eBook reader.

Q: I totally imagined I’d have one some day, back when I watched Star Trek: The Next Generation! That was about twenty years ago! So there.

A: All right, so now you want me to solve your problems by telling you to buy an e-reader device. Specifically, an iPad.

Q: It’s kinda what we do around here.

A: Well, I’m not going to do that… Oh who am I kidding? The iPad has made reading books more comfortable than it’s ever been. The Kindle is a marvel of transitional technology¹. The fact is, we live in a paradise of amazing ways to read books.

Q: Bipolar much?

A: I’m serious! You can get just about any book you want, delivered to you and ready to read in well under a minute. You can peruse chapters before you start reading, mark your books up, and be assured that you’ll never, ever be able to give them away and furthermore, you can rest in the knowledge that once your device dies nobody else will ever be able to read anything you had in your library.

Q: So the answer to my last question was yes.

A: Well, it’s a real problem, isn’t it? You can have thousands of books in a device that weighs less than a trade paperback version of Jonathan Livingston Seagull, but if you close your Amazon account or erase the book files from your computer and iPad² then your books are gone forever.

Q: So there are real tradeoffs. You lose the individuality of your books: the typesetting that sets one title apart from another, the specific binding, the feel of different papers, but you gain portability and markup. You lose the ability to share, but you save some money on your purchase price.

A: I kinda feel like I should tell a joke here, or something. This kind of article belongs on Coals[2]Newcastle, not CANS.

Q: The bottom line is, we’re not there yet. We’ve created and streamlined digital content delivery, but we’re light years away from making it fair to both the producer and the consumer of the content. The old methods of checks and balances are falling away as data is abstracted from the physical forms that used to be a method of distribution control. New balances must be struck, but, as with any transition, there are still wild swings back and forth, all the power to the consumer, followed by a swing to massively curtailed consumer rights and back.

A: So, are you just writing a thesis paper or what?

Q: Or perhaps we have yet to see how truly free content can still provide a means of sustaining life to the producers of that content. There are virtual galaxies of solution space still unexplored here. But, whatever the eventual answer, we can be assured that, unless more people are willing to see this as a cooperative effort, an affair that takes the cooperation of all parties, then the polarization will assuredly lead to further deterioration of both the media and the messages.

A: Ladies and gentlemen, this has been “Wall of Text”. Friday iFAQ will hopefully return next week. Thank you and good night.

1. does anyone actually think e-ink is going to last more than another three years? Really? [↩]
2. and iPod(s) and Time Machine Backup [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week, just to give ourselves something to do while we wait for Yoko Ono to kick the bucket Apple Corps¹ to release Abby Road on iTunes, we thought we’d talk about the upcoming Blu-Ray release of Star Wars.

Q: Aaaaaw, are we really gonna do this?

A: What? Star Wars is a cultural touchstone and defined two whole generations of sci-fi fandom.

Q: Yeah yeah Jedis and Jar-Jar and stuff. But that’s not the point. It’s the whole Blu-Ray thing, isn’t it? That’s where this gets sticky from an OSX perspective.

A: It’s entirely possible that Steve will decide that the Blu-Ray bag doesn’t hurt all that bad!

Q: It’s more likely that he gets rid of SuperDrives altogether, and you know it. He wants all media to come down via iTunes, and you know it.

A: I was kinda hoping we’d be talking about hi-def wookies, you know…

Q: And Mos Def as Ford Prefect. Who cares about the content? The MEDIUM is the MESSAGE in this case. And Steve’s message is “you will use iTunes”

A: Some people still like content…

Q: Look, Han Shot First, Chewie will NEVER get a medal, and Hayden Christensen, who grows up to be James Earl Jones,  is Mark Hamill‘s father. We got it. There aren’t any surprises here, just fodder for internet memes and T-Shirts.

A: I bought one of those T-Shirts!

Q: Welcome to the herd. The issue here is that Apple is like some kinda Empire, keeping us rebels from …

A: Running windows in bootcamp and buying a cheap little external blu-ray drive?

Q: Well, alright, I guess I could do that, but the point is that I shouldn’t have to! I mean, install Windows on my Mac mini?² I’d–

A: –Sooner kiss a Wookie?

Q: Ugh. Fine, whatever.

A: That

Q:           Can be arranged, yes. Got it.

A: he he he. Wookie kisser.

Q: Very professional. Look, all I’m saying is that Apple seems to be pushing their own agenda here instead actually serving the consumer

A: Okay, jokes aside, I just can’t agree. Network distribution is where it’s at and where it’s going. Both. Somehow. Blu-Ray is as dead as Jango Fett after Mace Windu lops his head off. Sure, his heart my beat a few more times, but we don’t need plastic to carry our bytes around any more.

Q: So, you’d rather download an 8 GB file than just go buy it at the store?

A: It’d take about as long to get it from iTunes as it would to get it from Amazon.com, so there’s no loss there. And then it’s also legally and automatically backed up in my Time Machine drive, and my Mozy online backup as well. Where’s the downside here?

Q: In the middle of the Death Star Throne room?

A: Word.

1. More like “Apple Corpse” amirite? [↩]
2. I’m totally running Windows 7 on my Mac mini. Stupid Grad School. [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

It’s just bad luck that our iFAQ for the Kindle landed on Friday the 13th.

Q: Oh, man, hey, sorry I had to call this one in. I can’t make it to the studio, so we’ll just do this over the phone, ‘kay?

A: O-Okay.

Q: Great. Anyway, I just bought this new Kindle, and I really like it, the e-ink screen, the cool graphite shell, the…whoops, man, I almost hit that black cat with my bike. Good thing he got out of the way so quickly! What was I saying? Oh, yeah, I really like it and all, but sometimes I wonder if it’s really enough.

A: What do you mean?

Q: Now, don’t get me wrong. I like having a reading device that’s also got free Wikipedia access anywhere I go, and having books delivered to me in “under a minute” is awesome, full stop. But WHOA! Man! This place is crazy today! I just barely fit under that ladder!

A: You were saying?

Q: I’m just saying that maybe the Kindle could do more.

A: More than just books, you mean?

Q: Well, that’s not entirely fair, because it also does magazines, blogs, heck, even Instapaper, that sweetheart of the iPhone, has Kindle support.

A: So you’ve got a high-tech miracle device that allows you to consume just about any print form of media from anywhere, but you want more?

Q: Look buddy, if you didn’t want that mirror broken you shouldn’t have left it out on the street where anyone could run into it like that! I’m lucky I’m not all full of glass shards and stuff, you know?

A: Maybe this is a bad time, Q…

Q: No, no it’s fine. Look, yeah, I get all the print stuff I want delivered to me wherever I am. But what about music? what about videos? What about long, moonlit strolls along the beach with the person I love? What about living the life I’ve always dreamed of?

A: NO MUSICALS!

Q: Sorry about that. Man, that lady across the street seems to agree with you. She’s totally givin’ me the evil eye. My singing isn’t that bad.

A: It kinda is. So, you want to know what you should do to satisfy all your other media-based lusts, right?

Q: You make it sound so dirty.

A: And you don’t want an iPad?

Q: Can’t afford an iPad.

A: Well then. Get ready to squint.

Q: What’s that now?

A: Grab yourself an iPod Touch or an iPhone and watch your movies and listen to your music on a more handheld device.

Q: And my Kindle?

A: You can read Kindle books on the iPhone, iPad, or iPod Touch. Or your Mac. Or your PC. Or just carry two devices. You’re not really losing out.

Q: Well, okay, yeah. But… hold on… Daaaaaang, that piano almost landed on me! So that’s your answer. Get an iOS device and call it good.

A: Pretty much.

Q: Hey, I just found $100 in the gutter! Maybe I CAN afford an iPad after all. Wow, today must be my lucky day!

A: Must be.

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we venture timidly forth into the future and preview Office 2011 for Mac.

Q: So, why would I want Microsoft Office on my Mac? I’ve got iWork.

A: You wouldn’t.

Q: Really? So, you’re just gonna walk away from this one?

A: Pretty much.

Q: No witty explanations, no declarations of love for Redmond’s latest and greatest?

A: Sure. “Windows 7 is a pretty good OS”. But I won’t say anything nice about an office platform that can’t figure out how to go fully Cocoa by 2011.

Q: Oh, it’s a nerd thing then. You’re angry about one of those things that nobody else on earth understands.

A: Understand this, laughing boy: Microsoft won’t be shipping a 64-bit version of Office anytime soon. They say it’s because they’re so focused on compatibility between the Windows and Mac versions of Office.

Q: Compatibility? Really? that’s their line? Even AbiWord can claim 95% compatibility with Microsoft Office.

A: Exactly. So while they “support” the Mac platform with a new, slightly-less-crippled-than-before version of Office, it’s pretty clear that what they are really trying to do is push people back on over to the Windows side of the tracks.

Q: Surprised?

A: No. But I’m not buying in. Instead, I’m getting EVEN.

Q: That doesn’t sound good.

A: Yes! I’ll show those buffoons in Redmond a taste of their own medicine on the other foot now!

Q: You’re going to email them that sentence and then release service packs for it until it’s finally intelligible?

A: I’ll start releasing mediocre versions of popular Mac software for Windows! Then everyone will see the obvious superiority of our glorious Mac platform! It’s brilliant!

Q: It’s something else all right.

A: I shall start with a sub-par version of iWork. I shall force all your tables to reside in the same spreadsheet! I will make an email client that uses more resources than most Linux distributions! I’ll turn Keynote into a boring and unispired collection of slides that would have been perfectly at home in 1985!

Q: You’re mad! Maaaaaad!

A: And I shall call my creation…

Q: No Doctor! Don’t name it! You can’t go through with this! Please, come back down from that improbable tower in the lightning storm! Give up your mad dreams of revenge!

A: Nay! I shall release my ghastly creation on humanity, and it shall be called:

Office 2010

Q: Wow.

A: Bwahahahahahahaha!

Q: That was a lot of setup for a fairly minor joke.

A: The joke is on Ballmer! He’ll never know what hit him! Their sales numbers will plummet!

Q: I’m…I’m not playing any more. Have fun [leaves]

A: Bwaaaahahahahahahahahaaa! I’m a genius!