This week we, like Apple, revisit iTunes, that venerable jukebox-turned-media-center.

Q: I have so…many…questions! Can’t…ask…all…them!

A: Easy there, J.T.Kirk! Take a deep breath, and we’ll get to the bottom of this. Now, what’s on your mind?

Q: Ping? Why? Why? Life was so good, I was using my iPod, syncing with my library, watchin’ some movies in front row, and now BOOM!

A: Loud…

Q: Everybody I know is spying on me! Maybe even people I don’ t know are spying on me? I always feel like/ somebody’s watching me! (And I have no privacy!)

A: I’m gonna have that song in my head all day now, you realize that, don’t you?

Q: I have it queued up on iTunes 10 right now! It’s in my “Top 25″! But now, thanks to Ping! EVERYBODY knows that!

A: Listen, sparky, it’s an opt-in service! You didn’t have to opt-in! Nobody forced you.

Q: Oh come on! I’m a computer geek! There was a button, I pushed it! It’s what I do; it’s who I am. But I’m starting to have second thoughts.

A: That would imply you had first thoughts…

Q: I don’t really feel like I’m getting all that much out of the service, you know? I mean, All the stuff Lady Gaga and U2 are posting on Ping is also posted on Facebook, Twitter, and all the other “social” networking places that are basically just free billboards these days.

A: How very cynical of you to say so.

Q: And my friends, who aren’t button-pusing geeks, aren’t on Ping, so it’s just me and the celebs, me paying attention to them, them ignoring me. It’s like that I year I spent in New York with high-powered binoculars all over again.

A: Should I be calling the authorities?

Q: So, I guess that’s the real question.

A: Whether or not I should call the cops?

Q: No! What’s the point? Why do I need another social network? That centers around music, and is tied to my music? What do I get out of the experience?

A: Apple says you can find new music…

Q: Pandora does it better…

A: Follow your friends and your favorite bands…

Q: Like I said, Facebook and Twitter work just fine…

A: And–yeah, I don’t know. I’ve been trying to see the point all day too, it’s just not there.

Q: Sorry to bring you down like that, man.

A: Nah, it’s all right. I’ll be fine.

Q: Hey, listen, you wanna go see a concert or something?

A: Sure. How will we figure out what’s in town though?

This week we dive into an oddly popular aspect of the iPad: eBooks. But you don’t have to take my word for it.

Q: I really like to read.

A: Commune with the thoughts of another.

Q: But I hate carrying huge books around with me.

A: No you don’t.

Q: So I was wondering if there was a way…what did you say?

A: You’ve never had a problem carrying huge books around with you until you discovered there was an alternative.

Q: What do you mean?

A: Oh come on. Anyone who reads is quite used to having a book or two on their person at all times. It’s not a burden, it’s part of life.

Q: Well, yeah, but it gets heavy!

A: Don’t get me wrong, there are a ton of benefits to eBooks, but don’t pretend you’ve spent the past twenty years pining for your eBook reader.

Q: I totally imagined I’d have one some day, back when I watched Star Trek: The Next Generation! That was about twenty years ago! So there.

A: All right, so now you want me to solve your problems by telling you to buy an e-reader device. Specifically, an iPad.

Q: It’s kinda what we do around here.

A: Well, I’m not going to do that… Oh who am I kidding? The iPad has made reading books more comfortable than it’s ever been. The Kindle is a marvel of transitional technology¹. The fact is, we live in a paradise of amazing ways to read books.

Q: Bipolar much?

A: I’m serious! You can get just about any book you want, delivered to you and ready to read in well under a minute. You can peruse chapters before you start reading, mark your books up, and be assured that you’ll never, ever be able to give them away and furthermore, you can rest in the knowledge that once your device dies nobody else will ever be able to read anything you had in your library.

Q: So the answer to my last question was yes.

A: Well, it’s a real problem, isn’t it? You can have thousands of books in a device that weighs less than a trade paperback version of Jonathan Livingston Seagull, but if you close your Amazon account or erase the book files from your computer and iPad² then your books are gone forever.

Q: So there are real tradeoffs. You lose the individuality of your books: the typesetting that sets one title apart from another, the specific binding, the feel of different papers, but you gain portability and markup. You lose the ability to share, but you save some money on your purchase price.

A: I kinda feel like I should tell a joke here, or something. This kind of article belongs on Coals[2]Newcastle, not CANS.

Q: The bottom line is, we’re not there yet. We’ve created and streamlined digital content delivery, but we’re light years away from making it fair to both the producer and the consumer of the content. The old methods of checks and balances are falling away as data is abstracted from the physical forms that used to be a method of distribution control. New balances must be struck, but, as with any transition, there are still wild swings back and forth, all the power to the consumer, followed by a swing to massively curtailed consumer rights and back.

A: So, are you just writing a thesis paper or what?

Q: Or perhaps we have yet to see how truly free content can still provide a means of sustaining life to the producers of that content. There are virtual galaxies of solution space still unexplored here. But, whatever the eventual answer, we can be assured that, unless more people are willing to see this as a cooperative effort, an affair that takes the cooperation of all parties, then the polarization will assuredly lead to further deterioration of both the media and the messages.

A: Ladies and gentlemen, this has been “Wall of Text”. Friday iFAQ will hopefully return next week. Thank you and good night.

1. does anyone actually think e-ink is going to last more than another three years? Really?
2. and iPod(s) and Time Machine Backup

This week, just to give ourselves something to do while we wait for Yoko Ono to kick the bucket Apple Corps¹ to release Abby Road on iTunes, we thought we’d talk about the upcoming Blu-Ray release of Star Wars.

Q: Aaaaaw, are we really gonna do this?

A: What? Star Wars is a cultural touchstone and defined two whole generations of sci-fi fandom.

Q: Yeah yeah Jedis and Jar-Jar and stuff. But that’s not the point. It’s the whole Blu-Ray thing, isn’t it? That’s where this gets sticky from an OSX perspective.

A: It’s entirely possible that Steve will decide that the Blu-Ray bag doesn’t hurt all that bad!

Q: It’s more likely that he gets rid of SuperDrives altogether, and you know it. He wants all media to come down via iTunes, and you know it.

A: I was kinda hoping we’d be talking about hi-def wookies, you know…

Q: And Mos Def as Ford Prefect. Who cares about the content? The MEDIUM is the MESSAGE in this case. And Steve’s message is “you will use iTunes”

A: Some people still like content…

Q: Look, Han Shot First, Chewie will NEVER get a medal, and Hayden Christensen, who grows up to be James Earl Jones,  is Mark Hamill‘s father. We got it. There aren’t any surprises here, just fodder for internet memes and T-Shirts.

A: I bought one of those T-Shirts!

Q: Welcome to the herd. The issue here is that Apple is like some kinda Empire, keeping us rebels from …

A: Running windows in bootcamp and buying a cheap little external blu-ray drive?

Q: Well, alright, I guess I could do that, but the point is that I shouldn’t have to! I mean, install Windows on my Mac mini?² I’d–

A: –Sooner kiss a Wookie?

Q: Ugh. Fine, whatever.

A: That

Q:           Can be arranged, yes. Got it.

A: he he he. Wookie kisser.

Q: Very professional. Look, all I’m saying is that Apple seems to be pushing their own agenda here instead actually serving the consumer

A: Okay, jokes aside, I just can’t agree. Network distribution is where it’s at and where it’s going. Both. Somehow. Blu-Ray is as dead as Jango Fett after Mace Windu lops his head off. Sure, his heart my beat a few more times, but we don’t need plastic to carry our bytes around any more.

Q: So, you’d rather download an 8 GB file than just go buy it at the store?

A: It’d take about as long to get it from iTunes as it would to get it from Amazon.com, so there’s no loss there. And then it’s also legally and automatically backed up in my Time Machine drive, and my Mozy online backup as well. Where’s the downside here?

Q: In the middle of the Death Star Throne room?

A: Word.

1. More like “Apple Corpse” amirite?
2. I’m totally running Windows 7 on my Mac mini. Stupid Grad School.

It’s just bad luck that our iFAQ for the Kindle landed on Friday the 13th.

Q: Oh, man, hey, sorry I had to call this one in. I can’t make it to the studio, so we’ll just do this over the phone, ‘kay?

A: O-Okay.

Q: Great. Anyway, I just bought this new Kindle, and I really like it, the e-ink screen, the cool graphite shell, the…whoops, man, I almost hit that black cat with my bike. Good thing he got out of the way so quickly! What was I saying? Oh, yeah, I really like it and all, but sometimes I wonder if it’s really enough.

A: What do you mean?

Q: Now, don’t get me wrong. I like having a reading device that’s also got free Wikipedia access anywhere I go, and having books delivered to me in “under a minute” is awesome, full stop. But WHOA! Man! This place is crazy today! I just barely fit under that ladder!

A: You were saying?

Q: I’m just saying that maybe the Kindle could do more.

A: More than just books, you mean?

Q: Well, that’s not entirely fair, because it also does magazines, blogs, heck, even Instapaper, that sweetheart of the iPhone, has Kindle support.

A: So you’ve got a high-tech miracle device that allows you to consume just about any print form of media from anywhere, but you want more?

Q: Look buddy, if you didn’t want that mirror broken you shouldn’t have left it out on the street where anyone could run into it like that! I’m lucky I’m not all full of glass shards and stuff, you know?

A: Maybe this is a bad time, Q…

Q: No, no it’s fine. Look, yeah, I get all the print stuff I want delivered to me wherever I am. But what about music? what about videos? What about long, moonlit strolls along the beach with the person I love? What about living the life I’ve always dreamed of?

A: NO MUSICALS!

Q: Sorry about that. Man, that lady across the street seems to agree with you. She’s totally givin’ me the evil eye. My singing isn’t that bad.

A: It kinda is. So, you want to know what you should do to satisfy all your other media-based lusts, right?

Q: You make it sound so dirty.

A: And you don’t want an iPad?

Q: Can’t afford an iPad.

A: Well then. Get ready to squint.

Q: What’s that now?

A: Grab yourself an iPod Touch or an iPhone and watch your movies and listen to your music on a more handheld device.

Q: And my Kindle?

A: You can read Kindle books on the iPhone, iPad, or iPod Touch. Or your Mac. Or your PC. Or just carry two devices. You’re not really losing out.

Q: Well, okay, yeah. But… hold on… Daaaaaang, that piano almost landed on me! So that’s your answer. Get an iOS device and call it good.

A: Pretty much.

Q: Hey, I just found $100 in the gutter! Maybe I CAN afford an iPad after all. Wow, today must be my lucky day!

A: Must be.

This week we venture timidly forth into the future and preview Office 2011 for Mac.

Q: So, why would I want Microsoft Office on my Mac? I’ve got iWork.

A: You wouldn’t.

Q: Really? So, you’re just gonna walk away from this one?

A: Pretty much.

Q: No witty explanations, no declarations of love for Redmond’s latest and greatest?

A: Sure. “Windows 7 is a pretty good OS”. But I won’t say anything nice about an office platform that can’t figure out how to go fully Cocoa by 2011.

Q: Oh, it’s a nerd thing then. You’re angry about one of those things that nobody else on earth understands.

A: Understand this, laughing boy: Microsoft won’t be shipping a 64-bit version of Office anytime soon. They say it’s because they’re so focused on compatibility between the Windows and Mac versions of Office.

Q: Compatibility? Really? that’s their line? Even AbiWord can claim 95% compatibility with Microsoft Office.

A: Exactly. So while they “support” the Mac platform with a new, slightly-less-crippled-than-before version of Office, it’s pretty clear that what they are really trying to do is push people back on over to the Windows side of the tracks.

Q: Surprised?

A: No. But I’m not buying in. Instead, I’m getting EVEN.

Q: That doesn’t sound good.

A: Yes! I’ll show those buffoons in Redmond a taste of their own medicine on the other foot now!

Q: You’re going to email them that sentence and then release service packs for it until it’s finally intelligible?

A: I’ll start releasing mediocre versions of popular Mac software for Windows! Then everyone will see the obvious superiority of our glorious Mac platform! It’s brilliant!

Q: It’s something else all right.

A: I shall start with a sub-par version of iWork. I shall force all your tables to reside in the same spreadsheet! I will make an email client that uses more resources than most Linux distributions! I’ll turn Keynote into a boring and unispired collection of slides that would have been perfectly at home in 1985!

Q: You’re mad! Maaaaaad!

A: And I shall call my creation…

Q: No Doctor! Don’t name it! You can’t go through with this! Please, come back down from that improbable tower in the lightning storm! Give up your mad dreams of revenge!

A: Nay! I shall release my ghastly creation on humanity, and it shall be called:

Office 2010

Q: Wow.

A: Bwahahahahahahaha!

Q: That was a lot of setup for a fairly minor joke.

A: The joke is on Ballmer! He’ll never know what hit him! Their sales numbers will plummet!

Q: I’m…I’m not playing any more. Have fun [leaves]

A: Bwaaaahahahahahahahahaaa! I’m a genius!

This week we respond to Apple’s latest, greatest new product. No, not the Magic Trackpad. The Magic Trackpad is just part of a MacBook Pro Gone AWOL. No, this week we talk about the Amazing, the Incredible, the Apple Battery Charger.

Q: Really?

A: Really.

Q: This isn’t like, some hoax to get us to talk about the Magic Mouse, or the Magic Trackpad, or the Less-Magic iPhone 4–

A: Whoa whoa whoa! We don’t say the “i-4″ word around here, son!

Q: Right, right, sorry. So, you really want me to ask questions about a battery charger.

A: And I will answer them. Right. Go ahead.

Q: Okay, well, um… how about this: “Why did Apple decide to make a battery charger?”

A: I’m glad you asked!

Q: Hey, that’s what I don’t get paid for around here.

A: You see, since the dawn of time¹ mankind has had to replace batteries in things that need power but not cords.

Q: Yep.

A: Things like Walkmen, Electric Cheese Graters, or poorly made radio-control cars from Radio Shack, all have needed some way to convert stored chemical energy into electric energy.

Q: Wake me when the infomercial is over, ‘kay?

A: But this poses a problem: putting batteries in landfills is like stabbing the Earth in the face. Over and over and over.

Q: That got needlessly graphic in a hurry, now didn’t it?

A: It did indeed my friend, it did indeed. But Lo! On the horizon! Who is that that approacheth? Who cometh with a solution in his outstretched hands, borne on wings of brushed aluminum?

Q: And now we’ve gone all the way to needlessly messianic.

A: Behold! The Great Steve! He reaches down, and bestows upon the earth a way to significantly reduce the damage done to our dear earth mother, while still enjoying the benefits of wireless devices of all sorts!

Q: As long as they take AA batteries…

A: And in his great wisdom he has finally rid the charger of its vampiric ways, reducing its needless consumption of electricity by a fulsome 90%!

Q: And now he’s a vampire hunter. What happened to your continuity people?

A: They’re sitting on the couch behind me watching Ice Age 3. But that’s not important now.

Q: Good movie though. If you like needless sequels.

A: I do. Now… Dangit. I lost my train of thought.

Q: Let’s see here, um… “fulsome 90%…” is where you left off, I think.

A: Right, right. Fulsome. Lotsa savings. Look, I can’t get back into that groove. I’ma try a new one. Dude.

Q: [sighs]

A: So, anyway, if you like, need your Apple fix, but, like, you also care about all Our Fellow Creatures, then this is, like, exactly what you need.

Q: You’re too young, son. Your hippie/beach-boy thing just doesn’t work.

A: Yeah. Anyway, look, cool silvery batteries, cool charger, works in your periperals, buy it, done.

Q: Um, yeah, okay.

A: You just threw me off of my game, is all.

Q: Sorry…?

A: Yeah, look, it’s fine. Whatever.

Q: “Isn’t Ellie supposed to be the one with the hormonal imbalance?”

A: What?

Q: Sorry. Just quoting Ice Age 3.

1. January 1, 1970. The start of the UNIX epoch

Product Comparison: iDeck vs. The Ono-Sendai Hosaka Deck

The venerable Apple, Inc.’s entry into the cyberspace deck market has spurred a considerable amount of conversation and speculation. Will Apple’s years of interface experience give them an edge over the current market leader from Ono-Sendai? Or will cyber cowboys reject this more consumer-driven device?

In many ways, the devices are similar: they both work with the industry standard Hitachi 40 point connectors, although they both require a special adapter to do so. They both offer a gateway into cyberspace, of course. However, the iDeck’s streamlined simstim interface will make it easier for “iCowboys” to jack into other peoples’ sensory feeds, as well as connecting to construct ROMs. The iDeck is also more portable, and offers higher resolution thanks to Apple’s advanced ‘trode placement band.

On the other hand, supporters of the Hosaka point out that the older, battle tested deck offers greater customization potential, as you can jack any program into your deck, whereas the iDeck will only run apps purchased in Apple’s virtual AppStore, which incidentally is where you will find yourself whenever you jack in.

“Look, we all know Apple is never going to approve anything from Huang, and there are times where you need some specialized….security software,” said the construct of Case, one of Cyberspace’s premier cowboys. “The iDeck is fine for casual users, but corporate customers aren’t going to try to do business with the Yaki without some good tools on their side. And for now, all the best business software is written for the Hosaka.”

Apple points out that iHack ’35, their premiere security testing suite, will be available in August, but industry pundits remain skeptical.

“if you think iHack is going to be anything like as powerful as the stuff we’re seeing out of Night City you need to check behind your ear for a loose microsoft,” Case’s recorded personality said.

In other news, Microsoft announced that Windows CyberDeck XLT will be available in the Sprawl early next year, making it 47 years since they released CyberDeck 28.

This week we talk about the one thing that changes everything: the iPhone. Again!

Q: So, it’s got a really pixelly screen, right?

A: The Retina Display has a surprisingly high pixel density, yes.

Q: And it’s got more RAM, right? and, like, two cameras?

A: We don’t talk about RAM on Apple products. But yes, there is a front facing camera now.

Q: And it’s made out of glass or something, right?

A: These are just barely questions.

Q: Look, it’s a phone. It’s just a phone. What makes your iPhone so special?

A: Well, there’s an OS that actually works–

Q: Oh, yeah, that new iOS. It’s based on OSX, right? So I guess that’s pretty cool.

A: Yep. It’s stable, solid, and has more available apps than any other mobile platform

Q: For more money than any other platform! Oh, and it gets built in advertising! I mean that’s a Google move if ever I heard of one.

A: Oooooh, them’s fighting words, pal.

Q: Look, don’t get me wrong, Apple’s a business, right? We all know that. So they need a way to make ever more money on things. But when I’m using an App I don’t want to be interacting emotionally with the ads. I want to be flinging birds at green pigs in improbable buildings.

A: Oh yeah? Well, yeah, okay. But still, it’s better to have it all centralized and pretty, right?

Q: Sure, if you’re already an Apple fan. But who else is going to think that draconian vetting of ads in apps that are in a store that already has draconian vetting–

A: Your grandma.

Q: She runs Linux on a Beowulf cluster, dude. Look, I know what you’re trying to say: people who aren’t tech savvy don’t really care where the ads or the apps are coming from. So fine. But we should have some kinda choice, right? I mean, look at OSX: it’s all kinds of open. And it benefits from it. ANYBODY can write an application for the Mac and as a result, there are some great ones out there.

A: You got mean when you got sick, you know that?

Q: Sorry, dude. Gettin’ all dehydrated in a park whilst surrounded by Apple freaks didn’t do much for my mood.

A: Well, we’ll forgive it for now. But remember: mean is only okay when it’s funny.

Q: Okay. And you remember: don’t talk about presentation until the mics are off.

A: What? Oh, Dangit! I always forget–

Friday evening, we are waiting for Q to show up and record the iFAQ with us. When our usual 7pm appointment came and went we decided something was up. A called his cell phone, but Q wasn’t answering. We decided to go out and look for him at first light Saturday morning.

A quick note about appearances: You may think that the real Q looks like the Q you see on the webpage as you read each week’s iFAQ. But that’s just a cue, to let you know who’s speaking. There aren’t giant queues of A’s and Q’s standing around on each web page, although that would be cute.

Q, in a promotional headshot he had taken in 2009

No, the real Q, the actual, living glyph, has a house in the upscale Avenues district of Salt Lake City¹ and is a hearty 48-point Copperplate Gothic Bold upper case individual. At least, he used to be.

On Saturday morning we went down to the Apple store, looking high and low for Q, shouting “Q! Q! Where are you?” At one point John de Lancie showed up, and it wasn’t until he had called us fascinating mortals and wondered at our determination at continuing our menial existence that he got bored and pointed us to our fallen comrade.

Q was in a bad way. He hadn’t had any electrons or even pigments in days, and had passed out.  He had lost way too much weight, indeed his serifs were almost completely gone. His color had de-saturated to the point that he nearly blended in with the concrete, and his alpha channel was so weak that you could swear you could see your hand right through him. He looked more like a 5-point Helvetica Neue lowercase than his normal robust self. We immediately gave him a thin broth of weak ARGB values and started trying to figure out how to get him to a good foundry.

Ideally, of course, we would have taken him to Hermann Zapf himself, but weren’t sure he would survive the trip to Germany. Adobe is much closer, but current tensions between them and Apple left us unsure of the help we would receive at their hands. Finally we contacted Ross Carter (creator of the amazing PageHand) for help, knowing him to be a lover of fine typography, and not one to stand by idle while a poor glyph suffers.

“Q was in a bad way,” Ross told us later. “The CANS guys had made a good start, and his saturation was up to more stable #C0C0C0, but he was still fluctuating wildly. I transferred him into a PDF to keep him from getting any worse and started him on an Alpha drip.”

Q started to recover, growing more opaque and finally getting past the iffy 8-pt mark, but he’s still weak. We predict that he won’t be able to leave PageHand’s support structure for at least another week, which means we’ll have another substitute Q this Friday. But he’s already making jokes and is optimistic for a full recovery.

“I’ve got some good questions in mind, real zingers,” he told us, smiling a little. “I just hope A can keep up.”

1. He lives on the corner of 14th and Q

This week we bid a loving farewell to Apple’s venerable “desktop” operating system, OSX.

Q: Desktop? What’s a desktop?

A: Well, you see, back before there were iPhones and iPads, even before the ancient MacBook Air first crawled out of the primordial ooze, there was a thing called a “desktop computer”. It was kind of like an iPad, except for less portable.

Q: What do you mean?

A: Well, desktop computers didn’t have batteries, you see, so they had to stay in one place all the time

Q: Barbaric!

A: And they didn’t have touch screens, so you used a physical keyboard and a “mouse” to move the cursor around on the screen.

Q: I’m not okay with the rodent metaphor.

A: Many people weren’t. So that’s why Apple in their wisdom freed us from the scourge of non-portable computing.

Q: Were there any good things about these monstrosities?

A: Oh sure! Like, you could get apps from anywhere, even from stores not owned by Apple!

Q: No such thing!

A: And you could have screens of up to 30″ inches across, sometimes even two of them! But even the most humble of these gentle giants had at least 17″ of screen space.

Q: What would anyone do with that much space?

A: Well, remember those programs you could get from anywhere? You could run a WHOLE BUNCH of them at once, and Apple’s operating system for the desktop machines would let you switch between them, or even have two of them up on the screen at the same time.

Q: It’s like the future happened in the past!

A: There were many things in that era that are lost to us now, like the secret of Exposè, or devices that could be upgraded without being totally replaced. But Apple knows better for us now. They have declared that we must all compute on smaller screens that go with us everywhere, and blessed are we that follow in that righteous path.

Q: Amen.

A: Yet here is irony: those that create apps for us to use on our devices must still use those ancient beasts.

Q: What? How can this be?

A: Indeed, the desktop is not yet fully removed from Apple’s eye. The all-powerful XCode, that which generates the apps of the iPad and iPhone, does not run on our liberated devices. Indeed, it only runs on OSX, that most graceful of past OS’es.

Q: There is some serenity in that thought.

A: Yes, there is hope. The stationary ones may rise again; indeed Apple may yet release a new version of OSX. We can but wait. And hope.

This week we hop right up on that bandwagon and take your questions about the not-actually-released-to-the-general-public iPad!

Q: So how do you like it so far?

A: I’m sorry?

Q: Your review iPad? How is it?

A: Oh, right, the…the review iPad that Apple sent me. Yeah. It’s great stuff. I mean, it’s all… all shiny, and…full of features…¹

Q: You don’t have a review iPad, do you?

A: No, I totally do! It’s right here! In…in fact, I’m writing these responses on it right now!

Q: Why don’t you have a review unit? I mean, Pogue does, that one really hard to spell guy does, Gruber probably has four, heck, even Stephen Fry got one. But they just skipped right over you, huh?

A: I don’t know what you’re talking about! I’m using that iPad all day every day!

Q: I mean, Pogue, of course. And Mossberg, sure. Even Gruber’s a given, because he’d whine really really loud if they didn’t give him one to play with. But then there’s you. Left out. In the cold.

A: I know! What’s up with that? Of all those guys, I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who has been Apple Product Professional Platinum Certified from 2005-2009 continuously² Mossberg wouldn’t know how to strategically position the value of MobileMe if he had Nimitz, Sherman and Patton helping him! If anyone could help them move ‘Pads, it’s me. But no. Just give ‘em to the noisy guys. Hmph.

Q: You wanna talk about it?

A: No. I’ma go sulk until I get in line to buy an iPad tomorrow. Like all the normal people.

Q: All the “normal people” with $500-$800 to chuck at a new toy.

A: Dude, these are Apple people.

Q: Right, right. Sorry. Forgot there for a second.

A: Well, you’re new. It’s forgivable. This time.

1. Except for the features that Ive thinks would have detracted from the experience.
2. No, really, I have. Every year.

Jony's classy response to our humble request

So, um… We’re thinking he’s not actually going to do the iFAQ this week. And what with our Q still standing in line and our feelings all hurt, we’re going on to other things. More posts soon.

This week: the sensation that everyone’s been talking about: Steam on the Mac! since our usual “Q” is still standing in line for his iPad, we have once again enlisted the help of Grug the Orc from Freeverse’s¹ Hordes of Orcs to help us explore this hot new trend in Mac Gaming.

Q: Grug not see why Grug has to talk about competitor’s product.

A: Hey, Steam has a lot of potential, and Freeverse could easily tap into it, you see, Steam is a great online content delivery and account management system…

Q: Grug know what Steam is! Grug orc, not stupid. You think that just because Grug not speak perfect English that Grug doesn’t understand the value of an integrated content marketplace and social network. If Grug so stupid, why you not speak Orcish, instead of make orc speak English?

A: Gosh, you’re right. I have no idea how to speak Orcish.

Q: … Actually, Grug speaking Orcish right now. Turns out Orcish is broken English in Grug’s world.

A: …

Q: Hey, Grug created by programmers, not J.R.R. Tolkein! Cut Grug some slack already.

A: Ooookay. Moving on. If you’re so smart, why do you keep walking into all those traps?

Q: Not Grug’s fault! That how program works. Grug just object; must respond to calls on public methods. Although it true, sometimes Grug feels like lemming.

A: Lemmings don’t actually run into the sea, you know.

Q: No, Grug mean 10-pixel-tall lemming from old computer game Lemmings, not furry mammal from arctic countries.

A: Oh, right. Hey, that was a fun game!

Q: Yeah. Grug always feel sorry for exploder lemmings though. Not their fault door opened in stupid place!

A: Yeah. Anyway, Steam.

Q: Look, if good Mac games get on Steam, great. If only Valve games on Steam, what the big deal? Maybe some Freeverse games get on there, maybe not, Grug not say. Apparently Grug only good for answering questions from two-bit blogger-man.

A: Hey, ouch.

Q: Eh, Grug call ‘em like Grug see ‘em. Not too good at tact. No real need, out there in the trenches.

A: When you’re getting shot fulla arrows?

Q: No, when answering support calls at call center. Seriously, some people so stupid.

A: Well, that’s all the time we have. Hopefully you’ve gained a better understanding of the world of Mac games and how it’s changed with the entry of one of the PC world’s biggest names.

Q: Not much, that’s what Grug say. People still stupid.

A: So until next time… oh, and if you happen to wander past the Apple Store, give Q some food and tell him to come home. He can get his iPad like the rest of us.

1. It should go without saying that Freeverse had nothing at all to do with this article. Any opinions expressed here are probably stupid, but don’t blame them for that. Blame our failed educational system, and most of all, blame yourself for not caring more.

This week we were going to talk more about that most irritating and yet strangely addicting of social networks, but ran into some technical difficulties, as follows:

This week we’ll be writing short messages about twitter, the social network for people with ADD! So ask your questions!

…

…

A: Um, shouldn’t there have been a Q: about here?

A: Yeah, I’m not really supposed to be the opener on these things. Hang on. Sorry folks, just let me call him…

[phone rings]

Q: [on phone] hello?

A: Q? Hey it’s A! Where are you man?

Q: Oh yeah, the thing, right. Look, I can’t make it this week.

A: What? Why not?

Q: Yeah, I’m standing in line for my iPad.

A: Line? What line? The iPad will be shipped in like, two weeks! You can have it shipped to your house!

Q: Sure, if you’re a wimp. Look, I got my reservation in earlier, but I read on twitter that if you’re not at the store by like, 9:03 they’re just gonna start giving them to whoever waves money at the bored Apple Store clerks.

A: So just have it shipped to your house! You don’t even–

Q: Besides, the whole thing is to be there, you know? To be part of the mystique, part of the launch group. To be the person who really “gets” the iPad, instead of just someone who gets it in the mail.

A: Munchin’ on some brownies in the line are we?

Q: Well, it’s not really a line right now, because they called the cops, so a bunch of us are just hanging out in a park nearby. We’ve resolved we’re not going home until April 3rd.

A: Oh yeah, that’ll make the Apple employees want you in their nice shiny store.

Q: It’s not what they want, man, it’s what the iPad wants. It demands devotion. Anyway, look, you’ll never understand me, so I’m out. I gotta save battery power on my iPhone, you know? because there aren’t really any outlets in this park and
[click]

A: Q? Q? You there? Drat.

So you can see our problem. We’re screening applicants for a temp Q position for the next few weeks, which could become permanent if the original doesn’t survive two weeks in line. We’ll keep you posted.

This week we answer the mysterious question: What the crap happened last week?

Q: So, what the crap did happen last week? You were all “I’m going to Cali, baby!” and nobody heard from you again.

A: Gaaah, I started that post like six times, but various computer glitches kept eating it, or scrambling the words, or some stupid thing. the most coherent thing to emerge from the wreckage was a comparison of my seat mate on the flight to a wildebeest.

Q: Weak. Sauce. Try. Harder.

A: Look, I’m not starting that post again, man. At one point the hard drive on my iMac self-destructed, and I had to take it into the shop for a new hard drive,¹ and when I rebuilt from my Time Machine backup my post was completely NOT on the backup.

Q: So those four of us who follow this blog are doomed to forever vaguely wonder if anything happened when you were in the home of the free Google Wi-fi?

A: Google Wi-fi rejected me. I wrote about that before the GREAT HARD DRIVE CRASH.

Q: So, you got anything for us?

A: Look, I feel bad, really I do, but writing about that trip is a curse. So instead I’ll just throw in something I wrote on that trip, that I was saving for your birthday.

Q: No, not gonna cut it.

Ngmoco Buys Freeverse

Q: And I get ignored again.

A: H2 tags can’t hear you. Now Shhhhh! the article’s starting.

We here at CANS HQ were distressed to learn that Freeverse, one of our favorite software vendors, from whom we have borrowed characters, is being purchased by Ngmoco, an iPhone game company. This news is odd, sad, and depressing, which is probably a good summation of the internet in general. But that’s beside the point.

Freeverse was our first introduction to mac games, with their Big Bang Board Games that shipped free on our iMac. The games were simple, but clean and Mac-like, with lots of polish and interaction. Over the years we found them to be equally excellent at other programs, from the actually useful Periscope² to the much needed port of Heroes of Might and Magic V to the Mac, we’ve relied on Freeverse to make easy-to-use, well designed software, and we’ve never been let down.

In recent years we’ve also done a very small amount of testing for Freeverse, and found their staff to be friendly, intelligent, and generous to a fault.

And now they’re being purchased by a company that formed, like, what? Three weeks ago? A company whose empire is based on Rolando: the story of a cartoon ball. This is kind of like some kid who just won a huge cash prize in a Risk tournament buying General Patton.

The question is: will they continue to make Mac games and programs? It seems unlikely. the iPhone/iPad platform is easier to write for, and has a huge base of people just waiting to devour your latest creation with minimal advertising. So desktop games and apps lose again on the mac and more people start to wonder if Windows is really all that bad.

Or maybe we’re blowing the whole thing out of proportion. (We are) so we’ll stop now. It’s not much, but we just wanted to thank Freeverse for the excellent games and wish them well in their new adventures. May the monkey ever be on your back.

Q: Did you want to borrow some black nail polish emo-boy? Whiny. that’s what it was. Whiny.

A: Whatever man. That’s David Pogue level Pulitzer material.³

Q: So, what we get from your trip to California is NOT EVEN a stupid T-Shirt, but a stupid article.

A: Okay, well, maybe you’ll like this post:

MacHeist Mails it In

Three months after the expected beginning of MacHeist, we get, not a new heist full of interest and prizes, but a cheap bundle of good but ininspiring software. Well, we here at CANS arent’ going to stand for it. I mean, yes we’ll buy the bundle, heck, we already have. But we’re not going to like it–

Q: Nope! Not interested.

A: Hey! Stop that!

Q: Alright look, you had a hard week, got it. I’m gonna go hang out with the Macalope for a while. Come back when you got something interesting to say.

1. this actually happened. On the plus side my iMac now has a 1.5 TB hard drive
2. which I used as a security camera in my room in California
3. I put that in just so David Pogue would read this and get mad at me again. Hey, negative attention is still attention! Ask any three-year-old!

This week we celebrate true love, enduring love, the love that is felt between a man and his Extended keyboard.

It seemed appropriate.

Q: My keyboard is soft and mushy.

A: Too long in the microwave?

Q: No, I mean, the keys, they don’t do it for me any more. No strength. No resistance.

A: A fine romance, my friend, this is…

Q: I want to type like I did when I was young. I want a keyboard that lets me know when I’ve typed a letter. I want to know where not only how to type the @ symbol, but also the ¥, the£, and even the §. So I guess that’s my question, doc. Where can I find such a keyboard?

A: Ah, to be young again. To return to a time when men were men and keyboards were really really noisy. To recapture that feeling of youth that comes from the feel of springy metal switches under your fingertips.

Q: Yeah, yeah doc. That’s what I want. Tell it to me straight, will I ever feel that way again?

A: There is hope for you, but it comes at a price.

Q: Awww, man, for a keyboard like that, I’d pay hundreds, just to feel like I’m actually doing something again.

A: That’s good. Listen, there’s a company out there that thinks the way you do. They think we’ve gone soft in our modern age with our terrible and quiet keyboards, with no number pads and all that. So they’re bringing the magic back.

Q: Sounds like some great guys! What do I gotta do do get me some of that fully mechanical action?

A: Shell out and be patient at this point. Because you see, the new Tactile Pro 3 won’t is out of stock, but it’s on the way. At $150, Matias is making sure you really want the joy of the late 80′s in your office before they send you one of their wunderkind.

Q: $150? Is that all? Man just bail was more than that from the last time I broke into the Old Computer Museum to play with the–

A: Yes, yes, quite right. So, enjoy your new-old keyboard. Clicky.

This week, we scrape the bottom of the barrel and dredge up disk utility, the app that 90% of the time only gets used when you think your system is fried.

Q: I have secrets I need to keep.

A: I hear the secrets that you keep–

Q: I don’t talk in my sleep.

A: … Spoilsport.

Q: Aaaaanyway, I have things that need to be kept on the DL. The QT. Under the radar. Under the bridge. Under the boardwalk. Out in the Boondocks ¹. Leaving New York. I forgot what I was talking about.

A: You said you needed to keep secrets before you started quoting song titles.

Q: Riight right. Anyway, I need a way to keep some…things…secure.

A: On your mac.

Q: Yes.

A: You do know that you can encrypt your entire user directory, right?

Q: Yeah, but I don’t want to go that far. I only need some things secured. And they need to be secured even if someone gets into my account. ‘Cause this one time, when I was on rocket-powered skis in the Improbable Mountains outside of Marrakesh…

A: I don’t think I have proper clearance to hear the rest of that. Anyway, Believe it or not, Apple has provided a tool custom-made for people like you.

Q: An incredibly stylish cyanide capsule that fits nicely into a false molar ² ? Retrofitted iSight cameras that also shoot laser beams at unauthorized users? an iPhone app that allows me to not only play my music via bluetooth in my Aston-Martin, but also calls said Aston-Martin to me if I can’t get to it?

A: Umm, kinda like that yeah. Only instead of an improbable and deadly device it’s a way to create an encrypted disk image where you can store your confidential files.

Q: You intrest me strangely, old friend.  How does such a thing work?

A: Well, you know that Macs make great use of disk image files, or “.dmg” files, for things like installers and whatnot? And that a .dmg file is a much easier thing to send over the internet than, say, a CD-ROM?

Q: Yes, I follow you.

A: Well, there’s also an option to encrypt your new .dmg file, so it’s only accessible with a password that you set. You can use 128-bit or 256-bit AES encryption, the same encryption the Americans use for Top-secret documents.

Q: But will  a super-spy be able to crack my password by sitting in  a dark room in front of a screen with green letters scrolling upwards across their face?

A: Only if you’re dumb enough to choose something stylish like “martini” as your password, and only if the hacker is using a Mac.

Q: I like what you say old friend! I shall transfer all those top-secret Soviet plans into an encrypted disk image, set the password to something unguessable like “nomoresecrets”, and finally get the drop on the Reds once and for all!

A: But the USSR… the Soviets… The Berlin Wall… Yeah, alright. Have fun.

Q: So I shall. I’m off!

1. Did you know “boondocks” comes from the Tagalog (Filipino) word “bundok” which means “mountain”? And that it’s the only known Tagalog word to be adopted into English? Well now you do!
2. Proposed name: the iDie

This week we cover the newest player in the brower wars: Google Chrome!

Q: So, another browser.

A: Yes. You need it.

Q: So, it’s better than Safari, Firefox, iCab, Opera et al… how?

A: Fast. Secure. Sleek. Chrome.

Q: And only, what, seven months late on the mac? That makes me ultra-confident that updates will be timely.

A: It’s from Google!

Q: Yeah, I know. So what’s–

A: Google! Goooooooogle! GoooooOOOOoooogle!

Q: Stop that! I know it’s from Google.

A: And it’s free. You can’t not want to download it. You people use everything Google gives you if it’s free!

Q: Ummmm, we’re mac people. We like paying for things.

A: Huh. Yeah, that’s true.  But still, Gooogle! It’s the only word in common useage that looks correct no matter how many “o”s you put in! Gooooooogle! GoooooOOOoooooogle!

Q: Will it run on the tablet?

A: What tablet?

Q: Don’t play coy. You know what I’m talking about.

A: We’ll talk about that….later. For now, just accept Chrome as your King and Browser.

Q: It’s just that I don’t need a new browser. I’m perfectly happy with–

A: Don’t make me start saying “Gooooogle” again!

Q: I’ll download it right now.

A: Thank you.

This week we try again to cover that venerable remover of unloved programs, AppZapper!

Q: So why would I need to zap an app, again?

A: Well, if you’re not using it, it’s just making your Applications folder unwieldy. You should get rid of it.

Q: So…This program drags it to the trash so I don’t have to drag it to the trash myself?

A: Well, yeah, but it also finds all the other files associated with the app, and drags them to the trash as well.

Q: What “other files”?

A: All applications have support files that get scattered around. Some are just preference files that get stored in your user directory, some are library files, and it can be a pain to round them all up. So AppZapper does it for you.

Q: uh huh.  So, what happens if I leave those files in place?

A: You have a lot of useless files clogging up your important directories after a while.

Q: And other programs run slower?

A: Probably not. But it’s possible that a new program will try to reference a file from an older one. Also, these preference files store things like “this program is past it’s free trial period”, so you zap a trial app, re-install it, and you have a new trial period!

Q: Well, why didn’t you say so in the first place! Bwa ha ha ha ha! I’ll never buy shareware again! I’m free! Free! Does it work on itself?

A: Possibly?

Q: Free!

A: This could have gone better.

Unexpected third person: I’ll say! I liked the ending with the goat from last week much better.

A: Huh. That was unexpected.

1. ish

This week we address the update of that venerable MacHeist alumnus, AppZapper! Now sporting a shiny new 2.0 version number!

Q: So, it’s an app. That gets rid of other apps. Is that about the size of it?

A: Well, yeah. But, see, that’s useful, because–

Q: What happens if you use it on itself? Then what happens? What happens if you zap the zapper?

A: Oh, you don’t want to do that, because

This Just In!

We interrupt this iFAQ to bring you the following urgent message: We know what Apple is going to announce at the upcoming not-actually-announced event later this month!

Forget all your tablet ideas! Put your minds at rest concerning flat computing in general!  Something better, something more revolutionary is coming!

The iCube

Ten inches to a side, the iCube will be made up of not one, but six flat panel touch screens, with features the likes of which you can’t comprehend with your mortal mind.  The iCube will have built in face recognition, and only turn on when it sees it’s owner or a designated user!  Being a full cube, and being able to track your eyes on it, your cube will track where you are looking, and will present a three-dimensional view of your data, but only to you! Feel free to use your iCube on the bus, on a train, on a plain, with a fox AND in a box, because nobody else will be able to see it! To them you will just be looking at a plain black box OR (if you get the iCube Pro) nothing at all! To unauthorized users, the iCube Pro will be completely invisible! You will be sitting there, basking in the glory of your favorite new three dimensional social networking game, and to others on the bus you’ll be talking to your own knees!

This kind of power demands an article with a lot of bolds, all-caps, and italics in it! We may even UNDERLINE a few things! Don’t tempt us!

Crazy, you say?¹ Perhaps! Or perhaps, we, alone of ALL the rabid Apple-centric blogs, have struck upon the unvarnished truth, and covered it with a nice wear-resistant, water-proof veneer of excellence! Think about the rumors, the patent applications, and the hints from overseas we’ve been seeing and tell me you don’t see it!  Tracking a user’s eyes? Apple’s applied for a patent on that!  sudden shortage of high-tech touchscreens? That’s because the iCube will use six of them! The evidence is so clear, even John Gruber could see it, if he ever stopped looking in that mirror of his.

So, when the long-awaited day arrives, and Steve Jobs takes us all into the rabbit hole and we emerge blinking into the bright, starry light of a new dawn, remember who it was that first drew back the curtains and let you listen at the wall, who gave you your first taste of the light, who let you hear that song that touched your heart and made you dance on your hands in a rumba of rapture.

Because it was me.

CANS. Not CARS.

Let’s just be clear on that.

We now take you back to this week’s regularly-scheduled iFAQ, already in progress.

A: No! We kicked that goat right out of the bed! He had to sleep outside!

Q: Well, thank goodness for that.

1. Please read what it says in the upper left corner of the page. Thank you.