This week we seek for some solace in nostalgia with the advent of Bowtie, a skinnable iTunes controller.

Q: A What-able what now? What is the madness you are saying with your face?

A: Oh, come on, we were all there. Remember the early 2000’s when you were finally able to play music on your computer, and you had all these cool skins for your music player?

Q: No.

A: Sure you do. You could make it look like a brain, and the buttons were made out of wrinkles on the brain’s surface, or you could have it look like a big piano with the control buttons outlined on the keys, or whatever.

Q: Nope!

A: Wow, did you miss out. All the music players did it. Windows Media Player, Winamp, RealPlayer…

Q: All windows programs you’ll notice.

A: Er, well, see, I didn’t get my first mac until 2006, so…

Q: Well, for those of us who have always used good computers we’ve used boring, gray old iTunes and liked it. We don’t need your silly skinnable thingies.

A: But look, you’ve got a chance now! Bowtie is free in the Mac App Store, and you can have a little player that shows you what album you’re listening to, has all your controls, and is really really out of the way AND cool looking, all at the same time!

Q: I don’t really see the point…

A: AND it lets you love or ban songs on Last.fm, so people know what you think about the music you’re listening to! That’s something we couldn’t do back in the day, back with dumb ol’ web 1.0

Q: So there really isn’t a point.

A: The point is to have fun! Come on, it’s spring! The sky is bright, life is good, maybe you should loosen up a bit too! Sometimes things can just be fun. I’m using it to listen to the Tron: Legacy soundtrack right now, just because I can!

Q: Hmmm, not sure I can lower my standards of “fun” quite that far.

A: *sigh*. Okay, Mr. Boring Pants. Go watch your news programs and listen to your collection of the 100 greatest renditions of 4’ 33”. I’ll catch you later.

Q: What’s wrong with 4’33”?

A: Oh, it’s nothing.¹

1. I couldn’t resist

This week, it’s all about Twitter’s creatively named Twitter client: Twitter for Mac #stupidname #Ilikehashtags

Q: So what’s the big deal with Twitter in the first place? Lots of short messages flying around all over the place, forcing people to abbrev

Q: Ah, so we’re doing that, are we? all our questions and answers have to be less than 140 characters?

A: Yep! It’ll help you stop whinging(http://bit.ly/fZ73AZ) on about stupid crap. #justsayin

Q: So the point is to get us all to distill the essence of what we want to say, to refine our thinking and use every letter effectively?

A: Well, I think originally it was just because that was the length of a standard text message. @Pogue would know. He’s like, a Twitter god.

Q: 138, 139, 140. Wow, you’re way too good at getting EXACTLY 140 characters in there. Should I be scared?

A: Why? It’s just a way to communicate with people, and get a sense of what’s going on in the world around us.

Q: Okay, whatever. I’m going to allow–for the moment–that Twitter has validity as a form of communication. But why do I need an app?

A: Well, it makes it easier to see what’s happened in your feed, post replies…

Q: Easier than going to a web site? That does the exact same thing?

A: Well, for one thing, the app wastes far less screen space with stupid things like #trendingtopics. Seriously, I hate those.

Q: And yet you linked to a discussion about them. Odd.

A: Yeah, sorry about that. It gets to be a habit after a while. #Ijustcannotstopmyself

Q: Yeah, I’m still not sold. Not just on the client either. I don’t see a real point for Twitter in general.

A: Well, there’s not much I can say to change your mind. It’s all free, so you can try it out, see if you like it.

A: The name is very appropriate: there’s a lot of tweets, like birds in a tree, but they’re all really short and not a big deal. #nobigdeal

Q: Almost thou convincest me to become a…what exactly? Tweeter? Twit? Bird?

A: Yeah, nobody’s really sure. #ohwell.

This week we pay a visit to the land of one of our favorite made up correspondents, Grug the Orc. Grug is sporting a shiny new interface in the update to his native land of…What is your native land called, Grug?

A: Grug not know. We call it “wooden gate”.

Q: So tell us, what makes Hordes of Orcs 2 such a great new addition to the H.o.O. dynasty?

A: This just sick, you know.

Q: Why?

A: Why you ask Grug about new ways to kill Grug’s family?

Q: Family. Really.

A: Well, all us orcs instances of same class. It like family!

Q: So, asking you about the new and improved gameplay feels a bit heartless then?

A: What improved? Now player can use big railgun to kill orcs. But orcs still not fight back much.

Q: You’re not really selling the product there, Grug.

A: Grug feel deep sense of orc pride, not want to send more members of family into trenches.

Q: I guess we can respect that. So…let’s talk about something else, then?

A: Okay. It your website. What questions you have?

Q: Ummm…what do you do in your spare time?

A: Grug teaching self to use ray tracing software. Make computer still life pictures.

Q: Huh. Well, that’s interesting. What have you done so far?

A: Oh you know, made a teapot, made a sphere on a column, a human getting shot by a lightning tower, all the basics.

Q: Riiiight.

A: Sometimes Grug suspects he has rage issues that need worked out.

Q: Well that’s all the time we have…

A: Grug never knew his parent class! Grug an orphan!

Q: Join us next time for more iFAQ’s and less…orc emotion.

A: Grug so lonely! All Grug ever wanted was a friend!

this week we talk about the newest thing in physical IO: LightPeak Thunderbolt!

Q: So, What makes Thunderbolt better than other stuff?

A: Speed. Pure, unbridled fastness. Faster than fast, and daisy-chainable, Thunderbolt is–

Q: a lot like Firewire. You know, Apple’s last failed attempt at pushing a new IO specification on all of us. All they do is force LaCie to make a few hard drives that are outlandishly expensive because they use non-standard ports.

A: Firewire isn’t a failed technology! It’s just not…fully embraced.

Q: What about ExpressCard?

A: ExpressCard…could have done better, sure, but–

Q: And Firewire

A: you already said that one.

Q: Ah, but I was talking about Firewire 800 this time.

A: Okay,well, yeah, Firewire 800 hasn’t really taken off, athough there are people that use it.

Q: We’ll call them “People who use macs to make movies” and move on.

A: It’s not Just…okay, fair enough. But Thunderbolt is–

Q: A lot like the ADC?

A: We don’t talk about the ADC around here.

Q: Face it, Apple makes a lot of amazing technology, but they just don’t drive hardware standards. Pretty much every connector they champion ends up in second place. Look at DisplayPort.

A: Hey, now, you can’t call DisplayPort a failed connector yet! It’s still in the works! Dell is using it! Lots of people are using it!

Q: To connect to Apple Cinema Displays.

A: Right. No! To connect to all kinds of high end monitors. And besides, what about all the changes that Apple has made? What about the death of the Floppy drive? or the death of the stylus?

Q: Granted, they’re good at showing the world what our hardware should do, or rather, what it should stop doing. I mean, using a stylus, remember that?

A: Always losing it, trying to get your finger to be precise enough on those terrible resistive displays…

Q: Or using a ballpoint pen lid, because if you used the actual pen you’d get your screen all covered in ink.

A: Yeah, those were the terrible old days. Learning some new way to write so it would more-or-less understand your handwriting–

Q: But of course, half the time you just gave up and used the on-screen keyboard.

A: Well sure, it was faster to hunt and peck than scratch and swear.

Q: Yep, yep. Well, I guess Apple has made a difference after all.

A: That’s right.

Q: Be that as it may, Thunderbolt still isn’t going to ever be popular.

A: …I know.

Today we throw some fuel on the eternal flamewar and review Cinch, the program that Apple should have thought of first.

Q: So, I have a problem. It’s, well, it’s all my windows.

A: Go on.

Q: They’re not bad, you understand. That is, they mean well, you see.

A: I understand.

Q: But, well, they’re a bit unruly from time to time.

A: They start sitting on top of each other, that sort of thing?

Q: Exactly. Like, XCode will lean just enough to cover a column of text in my browser window, or Chrome will be just big enough to Obscure iTunes’ controls, that sort of thing.

A: So, it’s not enough for you to actually get mad, at them, because they’re not actually doing anything wrong, but they’re definitely acting up a bit.

Q: Yeah. I’ve tried putting them in different Spaces, you know, so that Chrome is in 1 and XCode is in 2, and that keeps them from touching each other, but it gets to be a real pain running back and forth all the time, know what I mean?

A: Some days it feels like that’s all you do, running back and forth from one program to the next, each one bouncing their icon at you, trying to get your attention.

Q: You’ve seen this sort of behavior before, I see.

A: I’ve got programs too, my friend. I understand what you’re going through.

Q: Well, what’s worked for you? How do you keep your programs in line? I mean, it seems like this is a pretty common problem.

A: There’s a great new app in the Mac App Store that takes care of just this problem. It’s called Cinch, and it’s exactly what you need.

Q: How does it work?

A: With Cinch installed, you just drag a window’s title bar to the edge of the screen to make that window take up exactly one half of your display. Drag a window to the other side and you’ve got two nicely lined-up windows, not touching each other, just sharing an edge.

Q: So I can look at things in Chrome while I work in XCode!

A: Exactly my friend.

Q: That’s a seriously great idea! Why hasn’t anyone made this part of their operating system yet?

A: It’s a mystery. One more thing, by the way. Let’s say you want one app to take full screen. All you do is drag it’s title bar up to the top of the screen and BAM! Full screen mode.

Q: That’s great. But what if I want to put everything back where it was?

A: Just drag the windows back to the middle of the screen and they’ll resize back to what they looked like before you Cinched them up.

Q: That is some seriously intuitive and useful user interface work. What kind of genius came up with that, I wonder?

A: We may never know.

This week we once again look into the best way to nurture your musical side with the newest GarageBand.

Q: What need have I, the Swan of Avon, for a band of garages?

A: Oh, hey cool, we haven’t done a character piece for a while. Okay, here goes. Forsooth! Yon mouldy poesy hath need of most vivacious melody, hathen’t it?

Q: Your words are to me as the barking of scabrous dogs. I have no need to lay down tracks and master my mix. I’truth, I have gained no small reputation as a mixmaster in yon pub “the Queen’s Boar”.

A: Full well cognizant of the impossibility of e’en the smallest part of this dialog, yet I press on, wondering aloud how one mixes in renaissance England.

Q: Verily, through skillful direction of not one, but two groups of musicians, I am able to concoct melodic mashups between such diurse sources as “A Gest of Robyn Hode” and “My Lady Hath an Ample Posterior“.

A: Verily, I can but hope that I am never subject to sickness such that I enjoy such diversions. But should such be your wont, then you would do well to inspect this latest product from the great Apple, that which more fully facilitate your entwinings and manipulations.

Q: Faugh! What could Apple provide me that I cannot provide myself?

A: A more firmly-grounded version of historical English?

Q: I dothe notte see thine pointte. My English isn’t wandering at all! What’cho talkin’ ’bout, Willis?

A: Be that as it may, GarageBand has many features in which you should be interested. It will attempt to coerce all your tracks to fit a single rhythm.

Q: Indeed, that may be of some passing value during the middle-8 bridge¹ .

A: So, buy it.

Q: Indeed? Thus you end our repartee?

A: Yeah. Sleepy now.

1. I’ll level with you: I have no idea what that phrase means. I just hear musicians say it a lot.

This week we look at Apple’s favorite way to sell you more stuff: The Mac App Store!

Q: I see what they did there.

A: Not sure that counts as a question.

Q: No, see, everyone was all, “Maybe they’ll do what they did with iOS 4 and make it free because of the whole ‘look, now we can sell you stuff!’ angle, but now that the App Store isn’t part of Lion they can go back to charging for Lion.

A: How delightfully cynical. I’m sure it has nothing to do with making the Mac easier for people to use right here right now. And the whole “promoting the work of OSX developers” angle is completely bogus as well, right?

Q: Gotcha! You asked the first question. I win. Anyway, you’re fooling yourself. Apple likes OSX developers, but they like them even more now that they can make 30% of every sale. And they’ll like everyone better when they pay $40-$100 for Lion in a few months.

A: So, you’re one of the masses who are surprised that Apple, Inc. is a business and is actually into making some money once in a while.

Q: Hey, if  they want to make a few billion dollars here and there more power to ‘em say I. But I’m not part of the “Apple is doing it all for us” crowd either.

A: So, politics aside, did you have any questions about the actual App Store?

Q: What’s to ask? If you’ve used an iOS device you can figure it out. There’s some pretty animations hopping icons into your dock, and it’s nice that your software follows you around without you remembering to put all your serial numbers in to 1Password–

A: I love 1Password, by the way.

Q: Who doesn’t? It’s freakin’ awesome. But, again, not the point. The point is that Apple has, as they are wont to do, made the actual software dead simple. But behind the clean, simple interface lay a murky quagmire of politics and avarice.

A: In America¹ we call it “capitalism”. People trade money for things they perceive as valuable.

Q: So where’s the value in the App Store for the consumer? What is the developer getting for 30% of their profits?

A: The consumer gets auto-upgrades and no more concerns about their licenses, the developer gets to not worry about credit card processing or order management, as well as a built-in advertising channel.

Q: You’re kinda quashing the humor here.

A: Yeah, we sound like a financial program.

Q: Er…Steve Ballmer?

A: Phil Schiller?

Q: Nah, it doesn’t work. Humor really is all about context.

A: Oh well. We got an iFAQ written, even with all the portents of doom we were casting around yesterday.²

Q: I guess that counts for something.

1. and the rest of the English-speaking world. A is a bit Americo-centric in his speech patterns. But we like him anyway.
2. Well, today, really. Thanks to the miracles of WordPress

This week we take a minute to talk about the new year. That was funnier in our head.

Q: So, oh great prognosticating vowel, what can I expect from the next year?

A: Ah, you would have me pull back the curtains of time and show you the future would you? Few there be that survive such an encounter, and of those that do live to tell the tale, few there be that are grateful for the experience.

Q: Hmmm… yep, okay, I’m convinced. No need to end up dead or insane. Well, see ya!¹

A: Wait! Ummmmm, maybe you’ll be really lucky on both counts, in fact, yes, yes, I see now, your luck is great and you will be safe from insanity!²

Q: Okay, I’ll play along. So, back to my original question. What does 2011 hold for us, the Apple Faithful?

A: The seeds of the future are planted in the past, and by examining the present growth of those seeds we may see their future, as we stated in the beginning of this sentence.

Q: So the future is…a lot of plants?

A: Man, I hope so. We seriously need some green stuff on this ol’ earth of ours. Just think, if every person planted a single tree–

Q: Hey, HEY! I came for mystic predictions, not hippie talk.

A: You say that like there’s a difference. Okay, the next year of Apple. Here goes.

Predictions for 2011 ³

• The following version numbers will all happen:
  • iPad 2 : Smaller, bigger screen, extra pretentiousness
  • iPhone 5 : Now with working antennae!
  • iWork 2011 : Available only on the Mac App Store!
• Lion will be released amidst a flurry of both cat and battery puns.⁴ The changes that were brought “Back to the Mac” from the iPad will irritate power users, who will complain about them on all manner of online forums, then secretly start using them, just as they have Expose, Time Machine, Spotlight, and all the other features that power users feel the need to decry until they try. Them. Until they try them. Sounds like an O.J. trial joke, doesn’t it? “Don’t decry until you try!” But I digress. The other next big thing will be
• The Mac App Store. Thousands of developers will rush to get their apps into the premier digital distribution channel for desktop applications. At the same time there will be thousands of developers complaining about the App Store’s “draconian” rules and the phrase “walled garden” will be bandied about even more than it already is.
• “This [insert product name here] is turned up to 11!” Jokes will persist throughout the new year, despite the fact that they stopped being funny in June of 2010. Or possibly right after “This is Spinal Tap” came out, depending on whom you ask.
• Android and Chrome OS will continue to market themselves as the clearly superior alternatives to iOS and OSX, respectively. Until Google decides to either kill Chrome OS or merge it with Android, at which point pundits who think that you can’t spell pundit without PUN⁵ will try to decide if they should call it AndroChrome or ChromeDroid.
• Steve Jobs will get both more crotchety and more visionary, granting us all amazing new products that change the way we interact with our data, but also requiring that we also pay for the services of an Apple genius to ensure that we are interacting with that data in elegant and Apple-sanctioned ways.
• The Mac Pro will be cut from Apple’s product line as Apple pushes ever faster towards a completely consumer-level lineup of products and services. “Let’s face it, the only people who ever used Mac Pros the way they were meant to be used were Pixar employees…oh, wait” a suddenly thoughtful Steve Jobs will say on stage when he announces the move. In a completely unrelated note, Cars 3 will be made entirely in iMovie for iPhone.⁶
• Steve Jobs, Larry Ellison, and Linus Torvalds will face off in a three way battle to the death for the title of “Technology dictator for life”. Expect Torvalds to fall victim to Ellison’s brutal beard attack early in the action, only to reappear safe and sound in his home seconds later. When questioned about this he will simply say “Git: it’s a lot more powerful than you think.” and then write a blog post about his daughters. Back in the arena Jobs, resplendent in his Liquidmetal iArmor, will defeat Ellison easily, but spare his life to avoid the stain on his karma. Ellison will slink back to Oracle, a bitter and cynical old man. So no real change there.

Q: Wow. That’s amazing! You got all that from a busted Second Generation iPod Touch?⁷

A: Don’t question my methods!

Q: Okay, sorry, sorry. Say, I’m heading over to a New Year’s Eve party. You wanna come?

A: Hey, sure.

Q: Man, this party’s going to be turned up to 11 baby!

A: *sigh* and so it begins.

1. Nothing makes a fortune teller angrier than someone who doesn’t want their fortune told!
2. I thought I told you to stay out of the footnotes. Only I get to write things down here. and anyway, this post would only be like 150 words long if I let you get away with that.
3. This isn’t the first time we’ve used an iFAQ as a framing device, and we predict it won’t be the last, either.
4. Please tell me I’m not the only one that often reads “Li-ion” as “Lion”. I’m not alone here, right guys? Guys?
5. You know what we mean
6. Yes we know we made that joke before, but it fits so well here.
7. RIP my second generation iPod touch. It will be missed -ND

This week we look at the newest player in the OS game: Chrome OS.

Q: Why do we need a new OS? Especially one that’s basically just a browser?

A: Heck, why not? I mean, Chrome’s a pretty sweet browser, right?

Q: Sure, but–

A: And you like having things boot up quickly, right?

Q: Well, who doesn’t? But that’s not the point–

A: Well then I fail to see what your problem is. Is it that you hate Christmas, Mr. Grinch?

Q: Ah, the sweet smell of seasonal ad hominem attacks. How about this, hot shot: What do you do with your beloved Chrome OS when you’re not in range of a wireless or Verizon cell tower?

A: Well, that’s what books are for.

Q: So the best thing to do in case of network outage is to run straight back to the arms of Johannes Gutenberg, then?

A: Well, you could use a Kindle…

Q: And that’s kind of my point. I could buy a MacBook Air–

A: I can’t. How much do they pay you?

Q: And when I didn’t have a wireless connection my MacBook Air would still be useful. A Chrome OS laptop would be a very sleek, instant-on paperweight.

A: Seriously, First you’re standing in line for an iPad, now you’re saying you can buy MacBook Airs all willy-nilly. I’m doing this for my slim cut of our slim advertising revenue.

Q: People come for the star power baby. But you haven’t answered my question. Why should I limit myself when I can get all of the Chrome OS functionality on any other computer by just installing the free Chrome browser?

A: Maybe you should just go buy an answer to your question, Mr. Trump. It’s more than my job’s worth to answer questions like that, mate.

Q: So yeah, there’s no good reason to buy a Chrome OS laptop.

A: Especially since Google’s almost inevitably going to merge Chrome OS with Android at some point.

Q: Aha! there is an answer.

A: Look, Google’s good at a lot of things, but being really firm and steadfast in one thing ain’t one of them. They like to play far too much to make it a good bet to get in on the ground floor of anything that requires you to put money on the table. Stick to GMail, Chrome the Browser, and regular ol’ google searches, and remember what happened to all those people who tried to make business cases around Google Wave.

Q: “All those people”?

A: Well, Gina Trapani wrote a book about it.

Q: Yeah.

A: So, one thumb down¹ for Google Chrome the OS, one thumb up for the browser. Happy now?

Q: Very. Well, I’m off to go spend more money than you make in a year. Later!

A: Rrrrgh. It’s a consonant’s world, I tell you.

1. if the letter A has a thumb

This week we help you help your eyes with the oddly-named F.lux utility.

Q: Sometimes I stay up late, doing…things. Things that…hurt me.

A: What did the common Ellipsis ever do to you?

Q: I wake up, bleary-eyed and strained. I bump into walls in the dark. I feel like a backwards vampire.

A: You lost me

Q: I can’t see in the dark, you see.

A: Okay, sure. Whatever. I thought you meant you gave women blood transplants in the neck.

Q: Gross.

A: Right? But you’re the one that said it. Anyway, we’ve strayed pretty far afield. tell me, can you admit to me what these things are that you…do?

Q: Well, you see, I–

A: Remember to keep this family friendly.

Q: How do I say this? I edit spreadsheets.

A: Watch your mouth! We call them “Numbers Documents” around here.

Q: Okay, I edit Numbers Documents, but in Microsoft Products.

A: I thought I told you to watch your mouth!

Q: The problem is that all that white space starts to make my eyes hurt around 11:30 at night, and by 1:00 am I’m walking into walls and all wired and stuff.

A: My friend, I can help.

Q: Can you? Can you really?

A: It won’t be easy, and it won’t be quick, but–Well, actually, it’ll be both. But yes, if you’re willing, I can offer you assistance.

Q: But will it be expensive? Because I’m still saving up to buy that nice new serif for little q that she wanted for Quistmas.

A: One more pun like that and so help me…

ENTIRE CAST OF MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL: GET ON WITH IT!

A: The answer to your problem is F.lux, a program that modifies the brightness of your monitor to match the current light at the time of day. So your screen dims at night, leaving you more ready to sleep and less prone to bump into walls. Just tell it where you live and it’ll do the rest. You’ll never have to think about it again.

Q: But what if I’m doing something that would be terrible if I played with my brightness settings?

A: Then you can tell it to change things back for an hour or so. But for the most part it quietly, subtly changes your brightness to stop destroying your night vision and ability to sleep.

Q: Why the oddly placed dot in the name, though?

A: Some mysteries were meant to stay unsolved, my friend. Savor the mystery. And your less-obliterated night vision.

Q: This I will do. Thank you. You have been most helpful. No, don’t get up, I’ll see myself out. [runs into wall next to door, then finds door. Falls down stairs.]

A: Sure you will.

[Exeunt all]¹

1. I’ve just always wanted to say that.

This week we look at a program that’s dear to our heart: Scrivener.

Q: Oh come on. You’ve been doing Scrivener-heavy posts since you started this site.

A: True, my friend, but it’s never had it’s own iFAQ.

Q: That can’t be right. You wrote a Scrivener iFAQ just last… wait, no, I’ll find it…

A: Hmm, yes, that supposed old post is hard to find, no?

Q: Well, I guess you haven’t done a Scrivener iFAQ.

A: Or perhaps it’s just… disappeared!

Q: Yeah, no. Given your track record you probably just forgot to write it that one week.

A: You know who makes people forget things? GHOSTS. Perhaps you read my old Scrivener iFAQ and your memories of that moment have just been… spirited away.

Q: Dude, stop it. So, why should I use Scrivener? Why not, say Storyist, Ulysses, WriteRoom, Or StoryMill?

A: Do not mention the names of those hulking wrecks in my presence!¹ I bring to you the name of the one angel of goodness and utility and you sully the conversation with sycophants and hangers-on!

Q: That’s…not really what I did at all…

A: Silence! You dare come to my huge crumbling neo-Victorian mansion seeking shelter from the driving rain, and then insult me in my own huge, wood-paneled study with a giant Grandfather clock ticking ominously in the corner!

Clock: TICK…TOCK…TICK…DOOM…TOCK

Q: How did you even get that thing into the studio?

A: That’s nothing, wait until I really get going and start playing my huge pipe organ. Would you like to see my mighty…

Q: Stop it.

A: Sorry. Now, where was I? right, clock, right. Ahem. When I pronounce to you that Scrivener is the most sublime of all writing programs, you can be assured that my statement comes from the wisdom of the ages. Ages through which I have lived and lurked, watching humanity from behind leaden glass, their pomposity and self-importance turning my stomach. Worms. But now the time has come. Now I will have–

Thunder: CRASHHHH! BOOOM!²

A: My revenge!

Q: By advocating people use a good non-linear word processor?

A: Aha! That is but the first step in my plan! A plan so devious, so soul-shaking that strong men will quail and strong women will continue to be really good at stuff!³ Quail, then, mere mortal, at the sheer audacity of my plan!

Q: … I still don’t know what your plan is.

A: Indeed, indeed you don’t! But you shall…after I write a 50,000 word novel about it in November! Then the whole world shall know my plan! Bwahahahahaha!

Thunder: CRK-CRK-BOOOOOOM!⁴

Q: So your evil plan is…to take part in NaNoWriMo.

A: And write a novel so terrifying, so soul-shaking that your very soul will be shaken!

Q: Okay, then have fun with that. I’ll just–

A: THERE’S A SPIDER ON YOUR HEAD!

Q: I’ll just be over here. Outside this door. Leaving.

A: Time to start playing the organ!

1. Note to people who like those hulking wrecks: Some of them are pretty good programs. I have purchased licenses to all of them except Ulysses. Ulysses makes rats barf.
2. We only paid for a “Crash”, but Thunder is a bit of a ham
3. Have you ever noticed that? My wife is ten times better than me at most things. I mean, she’s driven forklifts on the docks of a salmon processing plant in Alaska, then went inside and fixed some giant machine with some duct tape and a wrench. What’s that all about?
4. This one was completely improvised, but we kept it.

This week we cover Chill Pill, the little feed aggregator that isn’t.

Q: I read a lotta feeds.

A: You got the need to feed.

Q: I NEED to read.

A: This rhyming thing’s gone to seed.

Q: Indeed.

A: So, what’s the problem?

Q: I’ve got the fever…

A: Stand over there please.

Q: No, I mean, I’ve got the fever feed aggregator running on a server, but I hate using web browsers to browse the web.

A: The inside of your head must be a frightening place.

Q: Some times, my friend. Some times.

A: That to one side, your problem seems to be that you don’t like going on the web to get information from the web.

Q: You make it sound silly.

A: So, what is it you want?

Q: I want a way to read my feeds without using Firefox, Chrome, Safari, Opera, Shiira, OmniWeb, or the others.

A: Haven’t we spoken about your browser addiction before?

Q: Yeahhh I really don’t pay much attention to things you say, so It’s unlikely that I’d remember that. You gonna help me or not?

A: Then what’s the…Why do I… *sigh* Okay whatever. Look. You say you’re using fever, right?

Q: Right.

A: Okay then. Use Chill Pill.

Q: What’s that?

A: It’s a single site browser. And by ‘single site’ I mean it only browses your Fever page. You get all the features of a browser with out any of the freedom!

Q: And that’s a good thing now?

A: Well, it does a few things like let you re-theme your fever, and track how many new items you have, and stuff like that, but pretty much, yeah. Look, ask a stupid question, get a–

Q: AWESOME application! This is perfect! Now I can show off the fact that I’m so rich I spent thirty clams to run software on my own server to basically do what Google reader does for free! It’s the ultimate in hipster techno-snobbery!

A: I saw them once. They were opening for Ironic Grunge Retro. It wasn’t a very good show.

Q: Everyone will be all “oh hey, you must really be in to the news and stuff” and I’ll be all “nah, I just like to keep an eye on things, it’s no big deal” and they’ll think it’s really a big deal in their heads, but they’ll play it off like it’s nothing but I’ll know, Oh, I WILL KNOW that they are full of avarice-flavored angst.

A: This got off on an ugly tangent, so I’m gonna leave now, ‘kay? Okay.

Q: I mean, they’ll already kinda hate me for the way that I carry my big ol’ 17″ MacBookPro around everywhere, and how I spend five minutes whenever we meet somewhere setting up my Magic Mouse and my Magic Trackpad, but the fact that I’m throwing money at things that they do just fine for free will be the final nail in the cake, the frosting on the coffin that makes them start writing poems about my death. This is so much better that I even could have hoped for! Hey, where’d you go?

This week we talk about something that people apparently do when they aren’t in grad school while working and raising kids: sleep.

Q: So, you’ve finally run out of mac software to make fun of, huh?

A: Hmmm? Wha? No. There’s ton of stuff out there. Thersa, thersa lotta software left. For example, I don’t think I’ve ever written about XCode!

Q: So, why don’t you do that one today?

A: Honestly? Because I’ve spent so much time in Visual Freakin’ Studio on Windows 7 that I can’t remember what Objective-C even looks…looks at trees.

Q: Trees?

A: Bah! Don’t you talk to me about trees. Especially binary trees.

Q: Why would Objective-C look at trees?

A: Everything looks at trees. We all have to look at trees. All day, every day. That’s basically all I do any more. Wonder why trees lose left children and leave off leaves.

Q: Normal human beings don’t have any idea what you’re talking about…

A: In a splay tree data structure…

Q: Whoa! Hey! I didn’t say we were interested! I just said we don’t know what you’re talking about. But you’re not talking about sleep.

A: Sleep is what happens when you decide that smashing the G, E, Z and F6 keys simultaneously with your face isn’t helping you get any closer to understanding right double rotations. Well, no; sleep is what happens after after you trip over the dog after deciding that smashing the G, E, Z, and F6 keys isn’t opening any doors in Windows or Linux or Mac, or Mac the Knife. That shark has pretty teeth, dear. Dear, that shark has pretty teeth.¹

Q: I can’t decide if I should feel sorry for you or just walk away.

A: Why not both?

Q: In a minute. So, do you have anything to say to your disappointed fans right now?

A: Steely Dan is a far better band than the Eagles.

Q: Controversial and timely. Well done. Okay go trip over a dog.

A: Ten-four, Roger Wilco. I’ll see you in Space Quest II.

1. I just rotated that sentence.

This week we engage in Omphaloskepsis and emerge with OmmWriter Dāna, the serene plain text editor for you.

Q: Serene master, my brain is like a million monkeys with no taste for Elizabethan drama, yet I sense that, in the middle of this welter, there exists some grain of wisdom that I might share.

A: In what way do monkeys plague your thoughts, my son?

Q: Each monkey steals a bit of my brain, and many of them put my thoughts on Twitter without my knowledge. Others are conversely addicted to the flow of monkey thoughts from all that I know.

A: Ah, Twitter and Facebook monkeys are formidable enemies of the serene warrior.

Q: And yet another monkey has grown overfond of the taste of potted meat product!

A: Yes, the Spam Monkey is also a fearsome warrior of distraction.

Q: How may I combat these monkeys, oh venerable one?

A: I’m 32.

Q: What?

A: I’m 32, I’m not “venerable”.

Q: Well, I couldn’t just call you “one” now could I?

A: You could have called me Dennis.

Q: You’re not called Dennis. And you’ve completely destroyed our serene mystical thing we had going on with your needless nerdy pythonism.

A: Look, I’ll level with you: OmmWriter can help. Quite a bit, actually. It tries hard to engage you both visually and aurally, so you’re less likely to break out and go look at email, because breaking from OmmWriter is a fierce jump, which slows your rate of random jumping. It also turns off your notifications via Growl, so you don’t see all the random stuff people show you.

Q: Ahh, and thus the monkeys are quietened. Thus may my true thoughts bloom as the lotus.

A: Indeed.

Q: How much will I pay for this ally in the war for focus?

A: The developers, in their wisdom, have left your donation amount up to you. Pay as much as you feel is appropriate.

Q: There is honor and merit in their actions.

A: As long as you pay more than $4.11.

Q: I shall do so straighta–

A: Or use the free version.

Q: Freedom is a treasured asset, a prize to be sought with all –

A: But I would pay to support their efforts, if I were you.

Q: To give to another is to increase the wealth of one’s sel–

A: And make sure the amount you pay ends in a “1″, because the devs think that’s lucky, and we should let them be lucky.

Q: You’re just going to keep interrupting me, aren’t you?

A: Yep.

Q: Okay, I’ll go be serene by myself and check out this OmmWriter thing. We’re don–

A: Okay bye!

This week we tackle Apple’s latest iPoddish offerings mano-a-nano.

Q: What happened to my video camera?

A: Easy there. We don’t abuse <strong> tags around here like that, sonny.

Q: So now I have to pony up for an iPad Junior¹ to take full-motion video of my dog chasing his tail and running into a wall.

A: Wait, how often do you take that video?

Q: About once a week.

A: Now THAT is a dumb dog.

Q: He once attacked a leaf on the driveway.

A: Dogs do that all the time–

Q: And lost.

A: Wow. Now that’s impressive.

Q: You’d think so, but you’d be wrong. But the point is the nano, which was becoming a more and more respectable device with every iteration, has now become some sort of twisted, Lovecraftian demon spawn–

A: I’m gonna have to interrupt you there. You’re comparing this:

To this:

?
Really?

Q: Well, okay, it’s not all that bad, I guess. But still, all my favorite features! Gone!

A: Your camera.

Q: Well yeah.

A: Because all the other features are there.

Q: What? No they aren’t.

A: I mean, FM Radio, Nike+, Genius, it’s all there.

Q: No notes, no images, no movies, they’re all gone.

A: So what do you want to do? Cry? Buy a Zune? Maybe a Zen?

Q: Don’t be crass.

A: So, what’s your point?

Q: I just want…

A: Go ahead.

Q: I just want… I want Apple to love me.

A: There now, was that so hard?

Q: I mean, with all the attention they’ve been paying to the iPad and the iPhone, it feels like they don’t even care about those of us who use OSX and iPod OS anymore.

A: It can be hard to move on. But you’ve got to see the bright future beyond the current clouds.

Q: I don’t want to move on! I want everything to be the way it was before!

A: I know honey. But it will be okay, I promise. Listen, let me buy you a song on iTunes, like the old days. Will that help you feel better?

Q: That would…well, it would help.

A: Okay. Let’s go. But no more 90′s rap, okay? Pick something nice this time.

Q: I’ll try.

1. Why are we even calling the Touch an iPod any more?

This week we, like Apple, revisit iTunes, that venerable jukebox-turned-media-center.

Q: I have so…many…questions! Can’t…ask…all…them!

A: Easy there, J.T.Kirk! Take a deep breath, and we’ll get to the bottom of this. Now, what’s on your mind?

Q: Ping? Why? Why? Life was so good, I was using my iPod, syncing with my library, watchin’ some movies in front row, and now BOOM!

A: Loud…

Q: Everybody I know is spying on me! Maybe even people I don’ t know are spying on me? I always feel like/ somebody’s watching me! (And I have no privacy!)

A: I’m gonna have that song in my head all day now, you realize that, don’t you?

Q: I have it queued up on iTunes 10 right now! It’s in my “Top 25″! But now, thanks to Ping! EVERYBODY knows that!

A: Listen, sparky, it’s an opt-in service! You didn’t have to opt-in! Nobody forced you.

Q: Oh come on! I’m a computer geek! There was a button, I pushed it! It’s what I do; it’s who I am. But I’m starting to have second thoughts.

A: That would imply you had first thoughts…

Q: I don’t really feel like I’m getting all that much out of the service, you know? I mean, All the stuff Lady Gaga and U2 are posting on Ping is also posted on Facebook, Twitter, and all the other “social” networking places that are basically just free billboards these days.

A: How very cynical of you to say so.

Q: And my friends, who aren’t button-pushing geeks, aren’t on Ping, so it’s just me and the celebs, me paying attention to them, them ignoring me. It’s like that I year I spent in New York with high-powered binoculars all over again.

A: Should I be calling the authorities?

Q: So, I guess that’s the real question.

A: Whether or not I should call the cops?

Q: No! What’s the point? Why do I need another social network? That centers around music, and is tied to my music? What do I get out of the experience?

A: Apple says you can find new music…

Q: Pandora does it better…

A: Follow your friends and your favorite bands…

Q: Like I said, Facebook and Twitter work just fine…

A: And–yeah, I don’t know. I’ve been trying to see the point all day too, it’s just not there.

Q: Sorry to bring you down like that, man.

A: Nah, it’s all right. I’ll be fine.

Q: Hey, listen, you wanna go see a concert or something?

A: Sure. How will we figure out what’s in town though?

This week we dive into an oddly popular aspect of the iPad: eBooks. But you don’t have to take my word for it.

Q: I really like to read.

A: Commune with the thoughts of another.

Q: But I hate carrying huge books around with me.

A: No you don’t.

Q: So I was wondering if there was a way…what did you say?

A: You’ve never had a problem carrying huge books around with you until you discovered there was an alternative.

Q: What do you mean?

A: Oh come on. Anyone who reads is quite used to having a book or two on their person at all times. It’s not a burden, it’s part of life.

Q: Well, yeah, but it gets heavy!

A: Don’t get me wrong, there are a ton of benefits to eBooks, but don’t pretend you’ve spent the past twenty years pining for your eBook reader.

Q: I totally imagined I’d have one some day, back when I watched Star Trek: The Next Generation! That was about twenty years ago! So there.

A: All right, so now you want me to solve your problems by telling you to buy an e-reader device. Specifically, an iPad.

Q: It’s kinda what we do around here.

A: Well, I’m not going to do that… Oh who am I kidding? The iPad has made reading books more comfortable than it’s ever been. The Kindle is a marvel of transitional technology¹. The fact is, we live in a paradise of amazing ways to read books.

Q: Bipolar much?

A: I’m serious! You can get just about any book you want, delivered to you and ready to read in well under a minute. You can peruse chapters before you start reading, mark your books up, and be assured that you’ll never, ever be able to give them away and furthermore, you can rest in the knowledge that once your device dies nobody else will ever be able to read anything you had in your library.

Q: So the answer to my last question was yes.

A: Well, it’s a real problem, isn’t it? You can have thousands of books in a device that weighs less than a trade paperback version of Jonathan Livingston Seagull, but if you close your Amazon account or erase the book files from your computer and iPad² then your books are gone forever.

Q: So there are real tradeoffs. You lose the individuality of your books: the typesetting that sets one title apart from another, the specific binding, the feel of different papers, but you gain portability and markup. You lose the ability to share, but you save some money on your purchase price.

A: I kinda feel like I should tell a joke here, or something. This kind of article belongs on Coals[2]Newcastle, not CANS.

Q: The bottom line is, we’re not there yet. We’ve created and streamlined digital content delivery, but we’re light years away from making it fair to both the producer and the consumer of the content. The old methods of checks and balances are falling away as data is abstracted from the physical forms that used to be a method of distribution control. New balances must be struck, but, as with any transition, there are still wild swings back and forth, all the power to the consumer, followed by a swing to massively curtailed consumer rights and back.

A: So, are you just writing a thesis paper or what?

Q: Or perhaps we have yet to see how truly free content can still provide a means of sustaining life to the producers of that content. There are virtual galaxies of solution space still unexplored here. But, whatever the eventual answer, we can be assured that, unless more people are willing to see this as a cooperative effort, an affair that takes the cooperation of all parties, then the polarization will assuredly lead to further deterioration of both the media and the messages.

A: Ladies and gentlemen, this has been “Wall of Text”. Friday iFAQ will hopefully return next week. Thank you and good night.

1. does anyone actually think e-ink is going to last more than another three years? Really?
2. and iPod(s) and Time Machine Backup

This week, just to give ourselves something to do while we wait for Yoko Ono to kick the bucket Apple Corps¹ to release Abby Road on iTunes, we thought we’d talk about the upcoming Blu-Ray release of Star Wars.

Q: Aaaaaw, are we really gonna do this?

A: What? Star Wars is a cultural touchstone and defined two whole generations of sci-fi fandom.

Q: Yeah yeah Jedis and Jar-Jar and stuff. But that’s not the point. It’s the whole Blu-Ray thing, isn’t it? That’s where this gets sticky from an OSX perspective.

A: It’s entirely possible that Steve will decide that the Blu-Ray bag doesn’t hurt all that bad!

Q: It’s more likely that he gets rid of SuperDrives altogether, and you know it. He wants all media to come down via iTunes, and you know it.

A: I was kinda hoping we’d be talking about hi-def wookies, you know…

Q: And Mos Def as Ford Prefect. Who cares about the content? The MEDIUM is the MESSAGE in this case. And Steve’s message is “you will use iTunes”

A: Some people still like content…

Q: Look, Han Shot First, Chewie will NEVER get a medal, and Hayden Christensen, who grows up to be James Earl Jones,  is Mark Hamill‘s father. We got it. There aren’t any surprises here, just fodder for internet memes and T-Shirts.

A: I bought one of those T-Shirts!

Q: Welcome to the herd. The issue here is that Apple is like some kinda Empire, keeping us rebels from …

A: Running windows in bootcamp and buying a cheap little external blu-ray drive?

Q: Well, alright, I guess I could do that, but the point is that I shouldn’t have to! I mean, install Windows on my Mac mini?² I’d–

A: –Sooner kiss a Wookie?

Q: Ugh. Fine, whatever.

A: That

Q:           Can be arranged, yes. Got it.

A: he he he. Wookie kisser.

Q: Very professional. Look, all I’m saying is that Apple seems to be pushing their own agenda here instead actually serving the consumer

A: Okay, jokes aside, I just can’t agree. Network distribution is where it’s at and where it’s going. Both. Somehow. Blu-Ray is as dead as Jango Fett after Mace Windu lops his head off. Sure, his heart my beat a few more times, but we don’t need plastic to carry our bytes around any more.

Q: So, you’d rather download an 8 GB file than just go buy it at the store?

A: It’d take about as long to get it from iTunes as it would to get it from Amazon.com, so there’s no loss there. And then it’s also legally and automatically backed up in my Time Machine drive, and my Mozy online backup as well. Where’s the downside here?

Q: In the middle of the Death Star Throne room?

A: Word.

1. More like “Apple Corpse” amirite?
2. I’m totally running Windows 7 on my Mac mini. Stupid Grad School.

It’s just bad luck that our iFAQ for the Kindle landed on Friday the 13th.

Q: Oh, man, hey, sorry I had to call this one in. I can’t make it to the studio, so we’ll just do this over the phone, ‘kay?

A: O-Okay.

Q: Great. Anyway, I just bought this new Kindle, and I really like it, the e-ink screen, the cool graphite shell, the…whoops, man, I almost hit that black cat with my bike. Good thing he got out of the way so quickly! What was I saying? Oh, yeah, I really like it and all, but sometimes I wonder if it’s really enough.

A: What do you mean?

Q: Now, don’t get me wrong. I like having a reading device that’s also got free Wikipedia access anywhere I go, and having books delivered to me in “under a minute” is awesome, full stop. But WHOA! Man! This place is crazy today! I just barely fit under that ladder!

A: You were saying?

Q: I’m just saying that maybe the Kindle could do more.

A: More than just books, you mean?

Q: Well, that’s not entirely fair, because it also does magazines, blogs, heck, even Instapaper, that sweetheart of the iPhone, has Kindle support.

A: So you’ve got a high-tech miracle device that allows you to consume just about any print form of media from anywhere, but you want more?

Q: Look buddy, if you didn’t want that mirror broken you shouldn’t have left it out on the street where anyone could run into it like that! I’m lucky I’m not all full of glass shards and stuff, you know?

A: Maybe this is a bad time, Q…

Q: No, no it’s fine. Look, yeah, I get all the print stuff I want delivered to me wherever I am. But what about music? what about videos? What about long, moonlit strolls along the beach with the person I love? What about living the life I’ve always dreamed of?

A: NO MUSICALS!

Q: Sorry about that. Man, that lady across the street seems to agree with you. She’s totally givin’ me the evil eye. My singing isn’t that bad.

A: It kinda is. So, you want to know what you should do to satisfy all your other media-based lusts, right?

Q: You make it sound so dirty.

A: And you don’t want an iPad?

Q: Can’t afford an iPad.

A: Well then. Get ready to squint.

Q: What’s that now?

A: Grab yourself an iPod Touch or an iPhone and watch your movies and listen to your music on a more handheld device.

Q: And my Kindle?

A: You can read Kindle books on the iPhone, iPad, or iPod Touch. Or your Mac. Or your PC. Or just carry two devices. You’re not really losing out.

Q: Well, okay, yeah. But… hold on… Daaaaaang, that piano almost landed on me! So that’s your answer. Get an iOS device and call it good.

A: Pretty much.

Q: Hey, I just found $100 in the gutter! Maybe I CAN afford an iPad after all. Wow, today must be my lucky day!

A: Must be.

This week we venture timidly forth into the future and preview Office 2011 for Mac.

Q: So, why would I want Microsoft Office on my Mac? I’ve got iWork.

A: You wouldn’t.

Q: Really? So, you’re just gonna walk away from this one?

A: Pretty much.

Q: No witty explanations, no declarations of love for Redmond’s latest and greatest?

A: Sure. “Windows 7 is a pretty good OS”. But I won’t say anything nice about an office platform that can’t figure out how to go fully Cocoa by 2011.

Q: Oh, it’s a nerd thing then. You’re angry about one of those things that nobody else on earth understands.

A: Understand this, laughing boy: Microsoft won’t be shipping a 64-bit version of Office anytime soon. They say it’s because they’re so focused on compatibility between the Windows and Mac versions of Office.

Q: Compatibility? Really? that’s their line? Even AbiWord can claim 95% compatibility with Microsoft Office.

A: Exactly. So while they “support” the Mac platform with a new, slightly-less-crippled-than-before version of Office, it’s pretty clear that what they are really trying to do is push people back on over to the Windows side of the tracks.

Q: Surprised?

A: No. But I’m not buying in. Instead, I’m getting EVEN.

Q: That doesn’t sound good.

A: Yes! I’ll show those buffoons in Redmond a taste of their own medicine on the other foot now!

Q: You’re going to email them that sentence and then release service packs for it until it’s finally intelligible?

A: I’ll start releasing mediocre versions of popular Mac software for Windows! Then everyone will see the obvious superiority of our glorious Mac platform! It’s brilliant!

Q: It’s something else all right.

A: I shall start with a sub-par version of iWork. I shall force all your tables to reside in the same spreadsheet! I will make an email client that uses more resources than most Linux distributions! I’ll turn Keynote into a boring and unispired collection of slides that would have been perfectly at home in 1985!

Q: You’re mad! Maaaaaad!

A: And I shall call my creation…

Q: No Doctor! Don’t name it! You can’t go through with this! Please, come back down from that improbable tower in the lightning storm! Give up your mad dreams of revenge!

A: Nay! I shall release my ghastly creation on humanity, and it shall be called:

Office 2010

Q: Wow.

A: Bwahahahahahahaha!

Q: That was a lot of setup for a fairly minor joke.

A: The joke is on Ballmer! He’ll never know what hit him! Their sales numbers will plummet!

Q: I’m…I’m not playing any more. Have fun [leaves]

A: Bwaaaahahahahahahahahaaa! I’m a genius!