Crazy Apple News Site

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we seek for some solace in nostalgia with the advent of Bowtie, a skinnable iTunes controller.

Q: A What-able what now? What is the madness you are saying with your face?

A: Oh, come on, we were all there. Remember the early 2000’s when you were finally able to play music on your computer, and you had all these cool skins for your music player?

Q: No.

A: Sure you do. You could make it look like a brain, and the buttons were made out of wrinkles on the brain’s surface, or you could have it look like a big piano with the control buttons outlined on the keys, or whatever.

Q: Nope!

A: Wow, did you miss out. All the music players did it. Windows Media Player, Winamp, RealPlayer…

Q: All windows programs you’ll notice.

A: Er, well, see, I didn’t get my first mac until 2006, so…

Q: Well, for those of us who have always used good computers we’ve used boring, gray old iTunes and liked it. We don’t need your silly skinnable thingies.

A: But look, you’ve got a chance now! Bowtie is free in the Mac App Store, and you can have a little player that shows you what album you’re listening to, has all your controls, and is really really out of the way AND cool looking, all at the same time!

Q: I don’t really see the point…

A: AND it lets you love or ban songs on Last.fm, so people know what you think about the music you’re listening to! That’s something we couldn’t do back in the day, back with dumb ol’ web 1.0

Q: So there really isn’t a point.

A: The point is to have fun! Come on, it’s spring! The sky is bright, life is good, maybe you should loosen up a bit too! Sometimes things can just be fun. I’m using it to listen to the Tron: Legacy soundtrack right now, just because I can!

Q: Hmmm, not sure I can lower my standards of “fun” quite that far.

A: *sigh*. Okay, Mr. Boring Pants. Go watch your news programs and listen to your collection of the 100 greatest renditions of 4’ 33”. I’ll catch you later.

Q: What’s wrong with 4’33”?

A: Oh, it’s nothing.¹

1. I couldn’t resist [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week, it’s all about Twitter’s creatively named Twitter client: Twitter for Mac #stupidname #Ilikehashtags

Q: So what’s the big deal with Twitter in the first place? Lots of short messages flying around all over the place, forcing people to abbrev

Q: Ah, so we’re doing that, are we? all our questions and answers have to be less than 140 characters?

A: Yep! It’ll help you stop whinging(http://bit.ly/fZ73AZ) on about stupid crap. #justsayin

Q: So the point is to get us all to distill the essence of what we want to say, to refine our thinking and use every letter effectively?

A: Well, I think originally it was just because that was the length of a standard text message. @Pogue would know. He’s like, a Twitter god.

Q: 138, 139, 140. Wow, you’re way too good at getting EXACTLY 140 characters in there. Should I be scared?

A: Why? It’s just a way to communicate with people, and get a sense of what’s going on in the world around us.

Q: Okay, whatever. I’m going to allow–for the moment–that Twitter has validity as a form of communication. But why do I need an app?

A: Well, it makes it easier to see what’s happened in your feed, post replies…

Q: Easier than going to a web site? That does the exact same thing?

A: Well, for one thing, the app wastes far less screen space with stupid things like #trendingtopics. Seriously, I hate those.

Q: And yet you linked to a discussion about them. Odd.

A: Yeah, sorry about that. It gets to be a habit after a while. #Ijustcannotstopmyself

Q: Yeah, I’m still not sold. Not just on the client either. I don’t see a real point for Twitter in general.

A: Well, there’s not much I can say to change your mind. It’s all free, so you can try it out, see if you like it.

A: The name is very appropriate: there’s a lot of tweets, like birds in a tree, but they’re all really short and not a big deal. #nobigdeal

Q: Almost thou convincest me to become a…what exactly? Tweeter? Twit? Bird?

A: Yeah, nobody’s really sure. #ohwell.

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we pay a visit to the land of one of our favorite made up correspondents, Grug the Orc. Grug is sporting a shiny new interface in the update to his native land of…What is your native land called, Grug?

A: Grug not know. We call it “wooden gate”.

Q: So tell us, what makes Hordes of Orcs 2 such a great new addition to the H.o.O. dynasty?

A: This just sick, you know.

Q: Why?

A: Why you ask Grug about new ways to kill Grug’s family?

Q: Family. Really.

A: Well, all us orcs instances of same class. It like family!

Q: So, asking you about the new and improved gameplay feels a bit heartless then?

A: What improved? Now player can use big railgun to kill orcs. But orcs still not fight back much.

Q: You’re not really selling the product there, Grug.

A: Grug feel deep sense of orc pride, not want to send more members of family into trenches.

Q: I guess we can respect that. So…let’s talk about something else, then?

A: Okay. It your website. What questions you have?

Q: Ummm…what do you do in your spare time?

A: Grug teaching self to use ray tracing software. Make computer still life pictures.

Q: Huh. Well, that’s interesting. What have you done so far?

A: Oh you know, made a teapot, made a sphere on a column, a human getting shot by a lightning tower, all the basics.

Q: Riiiight.

A: Sometimes Grug suspects he has rage issues that need worked out.

Q: Well that’s all the time we have…

A: Grug never knew his parent class! Grug an orphan!

Q: Join us next time for more iFAQ’s and less…orc emotion.

A: Grug so lonely! All Grug ever wanted was a friend!

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

this week we talk about the newest thing in physical IO: LightPeak Thunderbolt!

 

Q: So, What makes Thunderbolt better than other stuff?

A: Speed. Pure, unbridled fastness. Faster than fast, and daisy-chainable, Thunderbolt is–

Q: a lot like Firewire. You know, Apple’s last failed attempt at pushing a new IO specification on all of us. All they do is force LaCie to make a few hard drives that are outlandishly expensive because they use non-standard ports.

A: Firewire isn’t a failed technology! It’s just not…fully embraced.

Q: What about ExpressCard?

A: ExpressCard…could have done better, sure, but–

Q: And Firewire

A: you already said that one.

Q: Ah, but I was talking about Firewire 800 this time.

A: Okay,well, yeah, Firewire 800 hasn’t really taken off, athough there are people that use it.

Q: We’ll call them “People who use macs to make movies” and move on.

A: It’s not Just…okay, fair enough. But Thunderbolt is–

Q: A lot like the ADC?

A: We don’t talk about the ADC around here.

Q: Face it, Apple makes a lot of amazing technology, but they just don’t drive hardware standards. Pretty much every connector they champion ends up in second place. Look at DisplayPort.

A: Hey, now, you can’t call DisplayPort a failed connector yet! It’s still in the works! Dell is using it! Lots of people are using it!

Q: To connect to Apple Cinema Displays.

A: Right. No! To connect to all kinds of high end monitors. And besides, what about all the changes that Apple has made? What about the death of the Floppy drive? or the death of the stylus?

Q: Granted, they’re good at showing the world what our hardware should do, or rather, what it should stop doing. I mean, using a stylus, remember that?

A: Always losing it, trying to get your finger to be precise enough on those terrible resistive displays…

Q: Or using a ballpoint pen lid, because if you used the actual pen you’d get your screen all covered in ink.

A: Yeah, those were the terrible old days. Learning some new way to write so it would more-or-less understand your handwriting–

Q: But of course, half the time you just gave up and used the on-screen keyboard.

A: Well sure, it was faster to hunt and peck than scratch and swear.

Q: Yep, yep. Well, I guess Apple has made a difference after all.

A: That’s right.

Q: Be that as it may, Thunderbolt still isn’t going to ever be popular.

A: …I know.

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

Today we throw some fuel on the eternal flamewar and review Cinch, the program that Apple should have thought of first.

Q: So, I have a problem. It’s, well, it’s all my windows.

A: Go on.

Q: They’re not bad, you understand. That is, they mean well, you see.

A: I understand.

Q: But, well, they’re a bit unruly from time to time.

A: They start sitting on top of each other, that sort of thing?

Q: Exactly. Like, XCode will lean just enough to cover a column of text in my browser window, or Chrome will be just big enough to Obscure iTunes’ controls, that sort of thing.

A: So, it’s not enough for you to actually get mad, at them, because they’re not actually doing anything wrong, but they’re definitely acting up a bit.

Q: Yeah. I’ve tried putting them in different Spaces, you know, so that Chrome is in 1 and XCode is in 2, and that keeps them from touching each other, but it gets to be a real pain running back and forth all the time, know what I mean?

A: Some days it feels like that’s all you do, running back and forth from one program to the next, each one bouncing their icon at you, trying to get your attention.

Q: You’ve seen this sort of behavior before, I see.

A: I’ve got programs too, my friend. I understand what you’re going through.

Q: Well, what’s worked for you? How do you keep your programs in line? I mean, it seems like this is a pretty common problem.

A: There’s a great new app in the Mac App Store that takes care of just this problem. It’s called Cinch, and it’s exactly what you need.

Q: How does it work?

A: With Cinch installed, you just drag a window’s title bar to the edge of the screen to make that window take up exactly one half of your display. Drag a window to the other side and you’ve got two nicely lined-up windows, not touching each other, just sharing an edge.

Q: So I can look at things in Chrome while I work in XCode!

A: Exactly my friend.

Q: That’s a seriously great idea! Why hasn’t anyone made this part of their operating system yet?

A: It’s a mystery. One more thing, by the way. Let’s say you want one app to take full screen. All you do is drag it’s title bar up to the top of the screen and BAM! Full screen mode.

Q: That’s great. But what if I want to put everything back where it was?

A: Just drag the windows back to the middle of the screen and they’ll resize back to what they looked like before you Cinched them up.

Q: That is some seriously intuitive and useful user interface work. What kind of genius came up with that, I wonder?

A: We may never know.

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we once again look into the best way to nurture your musical side with the newest GarageBand.

Q: What need have I, the Swan of Avon, for a band of garages?

A: Oh, hey cool, we haven’t done a character piece for a while. Okay, here goes. Forsooth! Yon mouldy poesy hath need of most vivacious melody, hathen’t it?

Q: Your words are to me as the barking of scabrous dogs. I have no need to lay down tracks and master my mix. I’truth, I have gained no small reputation as a mixmaster in yon pub “the Queen’s Boar”.

A: Full well cognizant of the impossibility of e’en the smallest part of this dialog, yet I press on, wondering aloud how one mixes in renaissance England.

Q: Verily, through skillful direction of not one, but two groups of musicians, I am able to concoct melodic mashups between such diurse sources as “A Gest of Robyn Hode” and “My Lady Hath an Ample Posterior“.

A: Verily, I can but hope that I am never subject to sickness such that I enjoy such diversions. But should such be your wont, then you would do well to inspect this latest product from the great Apple, that which more fully facilitate your entwinings and manipulations.

Q: Faugh! What could Apple provide me that I cannot provide myself?

A: A more firmly-grounded version of historical English?

Q: I dothe notte see thine pointte. My English isn’t wandering at all! What’cho talkin’ ’bout, Willis?

A: Be that as it may, GarageBand has many features in which you should be interested. It will attempt to coerce all your tracks to fit a single rhythm.

Q: Indeed, that may be of some passing value during the middle-8 bridge¹ .

A: So, buy it.

Q: Indeed? Thus you end our repartee?

A: Yeah. Sleepy now.

1. I’ll level with you: I have no idea what that phrase means. I just hear musicians say it a lot. [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we look at Apple’s favorite way to sell you more stuff: The Mac App Store!

Q: I see what they did there.

A: Not sure that counts as a question.

Q: No, see, everyone was all, “Maybe they’ll do what they did with iOS 4 and make it free because of the whole ‘look, now we can sell you stuff!’ angle, but now that the App Store isn’t part of Lion they can go back to charging for Lion.

A: How delightfully cynical. I’m sure it has nothing to do with making the Mac easier for people to use right here right now. And the whole “promoting the work of OSX developers” angle is completely bogus as well, right?

Q: Gotcha! You asked the first question. I win. Anyway, you’re fooling yourself. Apple likes OSX developers, but they like them even more now that they can make 30% of every sale. And they’ll like everyone better when they pay $40-$100 for Lion in a few months.

A: So, you’re one of the masses who are surprised that Apple, Inc. is a business and is actually into making some money once in a while.

Q: Hey, if  they want to make a few billion dollars here and there more power to ‘em say I. But I’m not part of the “Apple is doing it all for us” crowd either.

A: So, politics aside, did you have any questions about the actual App Store?

Q: What’s to ask? If you’ve used an iOS device you can figure it out. There’s some pretty animations hopping icons into your dock, and it’s nice that your software follows you around without you remembering to put all your serial numbers in to 1Password–

A: I love 1Password, by the way.

Q: Who doesn’t? It’s freakin’ awesome. But, again, not the point. The point is that Apple has, as they are wont to do, made the actual software dead simple. But behind the clean, simple interface lay a murky quagmire of politics and avarice.

A: In America¹ we call it “capitalism”. People trade money for things they perceive as valuable.

Q: So where’s the value in the App Store for the consumer? What is the developer getting for 30% of their profits?

A: The consumer gets auto-upgrades and no more concerns about their licenses, the developer gets to not worry about credit card processing or order management, as well as a built-in advertising channel.

Q: You’re kinda quashing the humor here.

A: Yeah, we sound like a financial program.

Q: Er…Steve Ballmer?

A: Phil Schiller?

Q: Nah, it doesn’t work. Humor really is all about context.

A: Oh well. We got an iFAQ written, even with all the portents of doom we were casting around yesterday.²

Q: I guess that counts for something.

1. and the rest of the English-speaking world. A is a bit Americo-centric in his speech patterns. But we like him anyway. [↩]
2. Well, today, really. Thanks to the miracles of WordPress [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we take a minute to talk about the new year. That was funnier in our head.

Q: So, oh great prognosticating vowel, what can I expect from the next year?

A: Ah, you would have me pull back the curtains of time and show you the future would you? Few there be that survive such an encounter, and of those that do live to tell the tale, few there be that are grateful for the experience.

Q: Hmmm… yep, okay, I’m convinced. No need to end up dead or insane. Well, see ya!¹

A: Wait! Ummmmm, maybe you’ll be really lucky on both counts, in fact, yes, yes, I see now, your luck is great and you will be safe from insanity!²

Q: Okay, I’ll play along. So, back to my original question. What does 2011 hold for us, the Apple Faithful?

A: The seeds of the future are planted in the past, and by examining the present growth of those seeds we may see their future, as we stated in the beginning of this sentence.

Q: So the future is…a lot of plants?

A: Man, I hope so. We seriously need some green stuff on this ol’ earth of ours. Just think, if every person planted a single tree–

Q: Hey, HEY! I came for mystic predictions, not hippie talk.

A: You say that like there’s a difference. Okay, the next year of Apple. Here goes.

Predictions for 2011 ³

• The following version numbers will all happen:
  • iPad 2 : Smaller, bigger screen, extra pretentiousness
  • iPhone 5 : Now with working antennae!
  • iWork 2011 : Available only on the Mac App Store!
• Lion will be released amidst a flurry of both cat and battery puns.⁴ The changes that were brought “Back to the Mac” from the iPad will irritate power users, who will complain about them on all manner of online forums, then secretly start using them, just as they have Expose, Time Machine, Spotlight, and all the other features that power users feel the need to decry until they try. Them. Until they try them. Sounds like an O.J. trial joke, doesn’t it? “Don’t decry until you try!” But I digress. The other next big thing will be
• The Mac App Store. Thousands of developers will rush to get their apps into the premier digital distribution channel for desktop applications. At the same time there will be thousands of developers complaining about the App Store’s “draconian” rules and the phrase “walled garden” will be bandied about even more than it already is.
• “This [insert product name here] is turned up to 11!” Jokes will persist throughout the new year, despite the fact that they stopped being funny in June of 2010. Or possibly right after “This is Spinal Tap” came out, depending on whom you ask.
• Android and Chrome OS will continue to market themselves as the clearly superior alternatives to iOS and OSX, respectively. Until Google decides to either kill Chrome OS or merge it with Android, at which point pundits who think that you can’t spell pundit without PUN⁵ will try to decide if they should call it AndroChrome or ChromeDroid.
• Steve Jobs will get both more crotchety and more visionary, granting us all amazing new products that change the way we interact with our data, but also requiring that we also pay for the services of an Apple genius to ensure that we are interacting with that data in elegant and Apple-sanctioned ways.
• The Mac Pro will be cut from Apple’s product line as Apple pushes ever faster towards a completely consumer-level lineup of products and services. “Let’s face it, the only people who ever used Mac Pros the way they were meant to be used were Pixar employees…oh, wait” a suddenly thoughtful Steve Jobs will say on stage when he announces the move. In a completely unrelated note, Cars 3 will be made entirely in iMovie for iPhone.⁶
• Steve Jobs, Larry Ellison, and Linus Torvalds will face off in a three way battle to the death for the title of “Technology dictator for life”. Expect Torvalds to fall victim to Ellison’s brutal beard attack early in the action, only to reappear safe and sound in his home seconds later. When questioned about this he will simply say “Git: it’s a lot more powerful than you think.” and then write a blog post about his daughters. Back in the arena Jobs, resplendent in his Liquidmetal iArmor, will defeat Ellison easily, but spare his life to avoid the stain on his karma. Ellison will slink back to Oracle, a bitter and cynical old man. So no real change there.

---

A: And that’s what you can expect from 2011!

Q: Wow. That’s amazing! You got all that from a busted Second Generation iPod Touch?⁷

A: Don’t question my methods!

Q: Okay, sorry, sorry. Say, I’m heading over to a New Year’s Eve party. You wanna come?

A: Hey, sure.

Q: Man, this party’s going to be turned up to 11 baby!

A: *sigh* and so it begins.

1. Nothing makes a fortune teller angrier than someone who doesn’t want their fortune told! [↩]
2. I thought I told you to stay out of the footnotes. Only I get to write things down here. and anyway, this post would only be like 150 words long if I let you get away with that. [↩]
3. This isn’t the first time we’ve used an iFAQ as a framing device, and we predict it won’t be the last, either. [↩]
4. Please tell me I’m not the only one that often reads “Li-ion” as “Lion”. I’m not alone here, right guys? Guys? [↩]
5. You know what we mean [↩]
6. Yes we know we made that joke before, but it fits so well here. [↩]
7. RIP my second generation iPod touch. It will be missed -ND [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we look at the newest player in the OS game: Chrome OS.

Q: Why do we need a new OS? Especially one that’s basically just a browser?

A: Heck, why not? I mean, Chrome’s a pretty sweet browser, right?

Q: Sure, but–

A: And you like having things boot up quickly, right?

Q: Well, who doesn’t? But that’s not the point–

A: Well then I fail to see what your problem is. Is it that you hate Christmas, Mr. Grinch?

Q: Ah, the sweet smell of seasonal ad hominem attacks. How about this, hot shot: What do you do with your beloved Chrome OS when you’re not in range of a wireless or Verizon cell tower?

A: Well, that’s what books are for.

Q: So the best thing to do in case of network outage is to run straight back to the arms of Johannes Gutenberg, then?

A: Well, you could use a Kindle…

Q: And that’s kind of my point. I could buy a MacBook Air–

A: I can’t. How much do they pay you?

Q: And when I didn’t have a wireless connection my MacBook Air would still be useful. A Chrome OS laptop would be a very sleek, instant-on paperweight.

A: Seriously, First you’re standing in line for an iPad, now you’re saying you can buy MacBook Airs all willy-nilly. I’m doing this for my slim cut of our slim advertising revenue.

Q: People come for the star power baby. But you haven’t answered my question. Why should I limit myself when I can get all of the Chrome OS functionality on any other computer by just installing the free Chrome browser?

A: Maybe you should just go buy an answer to your question, Mr. Trump. It’s more than my job’s worth to answer questions like that, mate.

Q: So yeah, there’s no good reason to buy a Chrome OS laptop.

A: Especially since Google’s almost inevitably going to merge Chrome OS with Android at some point.

Q: Aha! there is an answer.

A: Look, Google’s good at a lot of things, but being really firm and steadfast in one thing ain’t one of them. They like to play far too much to make it a good bet to get in on the ground floor of anything that requires you to put money on the table. Stick to GMail, Chrome the Browser, and regular ol’ google searches, and remember what happened to all those people who tried to make business cases around Google Wave.

Q: “All those people”?

A: Well, Gina Trapani wrote a book about it.

Q: Yeah.

A: So, one thumb down¹ for Google Chrome the OS, one thumb up for the browser. Happy now?

Q: Very. Well, I’m off to go spend more money than you make in a year. Later!

A: Rrrrgh. It’s a consonant’s world, I tell you.

1. if the letter A has a thumb [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we help you help your eyes with the oddly-named F.lux utility.

Q: Sometimes I stay up late, doing…things. Things that…hurt me.

A: What did the common Ellipsis ever do to you?

Q: I wake up, bleary-eyed and strained. I bump into walls in the dark. I feel like a backwards vampire.

A: You lost me

Q: I can’t see in the dark, you see.

A: Okay, sure. Whatever. I thought you meant you gave women blood transplants in the neck.

Q: Gross.

A: Right? But you’re the one that said it. Anyway, we’ve strayed pretty far afield. tell me, can you admit to me what these things are that you…do?

Q: Well, you see, I–

A: Remember to keep this family friendly.

Q: How do I say this? I edit spreadsheets.

A: Watch your mouth! We call them “Numbers Documents” around here.

Q: Okay, I edit Numbers Documents, but in Microsoft Products.

A: I thought I told you to watch your mouth!

Q: The problem is that all that white space starts to make my eyes hurt around 11:30 at night, and by 1:00 am I’m walking into walls and all wired and stuff.

A: My friend, I can help.

Q: Can you? Can you really?

A: It won’t be easy, and it won’t be quick, but–Well, actually, it’ll be both. But yes, if you’re willing, I can offer you assistance.

Q: But will it be expensive? Because I’m still saving up to buy that nice new serif for little q that she wanted for Quistmas.

A: One more pun like that and so help me…

ENTIRE CAST OF MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL: GET ON WITH IT!

A: The answer to your problem is F.lux, a program that modifies the brightness of your monitor to match the current light at the time of day. So your screen dims at night, leaving you more ready to sleep and less prone to bump into walls. Just tell it where you live and it’ll do the rest. You’ll never have to think about it again.

Q: But what if I’m doing something that would be terrible if I played with my brightness settings?

A: Then you can tell it to change things back for an hour or so. But for the most part it quietly, subtly changes your brightness to stop destroying your night vision and ability to sleep.

Q: Why the oddly placed dot in the name, though?

A: Some mysteries were meant to stay unsolved, my friend. Savor the mystery. And your less-obliterated night vision.

Q: This I will do. Thank you. You have been most helpful. No, don’t get up, I’ll see myself out. [runs into wall next to door, then finds door. Falls down stairs.]

A: Sure you will.

[Exeunt all]¹

1. I’ve just always wanted to say that. [↩]