Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we answer the mysterious question: What the crap happened last week?

Q: So, what the crap did happen last week? You were all “I’m going to Cali, baby!” and nobody heard from you again.

A: Gaaah, I started that post like six times, but various computer glitches kept eating it, or scrambling the words, or some stupid thing. the most coherent thing to emerge from the wreckage was a comparison of my seat mate on the flight to a wildebeest.

Q: Weak. Sauce. Try. Harder.

A: Look, I’m not starting that post again, man. At one point the hard drive on my iMac self-destructed, and I had to take it into the shop for a new hard drive,¹ and when I rebuilt from my Time Machine backup my post was completely NOT on the backup.

Q: So those four of us who follow this blog are doomed to forever vaguely wonder if anything happened when you were in the home of the free Google Wi-fi?

A: Google Wi-fi rejected me. I wrote about that before the GREAT HARD DRIVE CRASH.

Q: So, you got anything for us?

A: Look, I feel bad, really I do, but writing about that trip is a curse. So instead I’ll just throw in something I wrote on that trip, that I was saving for your birthday.

Q: No, not gonna cut it.

Ngmoco Buys Freeverse

Q: And I get ignored again.

A: H2 tags can’t hear you. Now Shhhhh! the article’s starting.

We here at CANS HQ were distressed to learn that Freeverse, one of our favorite software vendors, from whom we have borrowed characters, is being purchased by Ngmoco, an iPhone game company. This news is odd, sad, and depressing, which is probably a good summation of the internet in general. But that’s beside the point.

Freeverse was our first introduction to mac games, with their Big Bang Board Games that shipped free on our iMac. The games were simple, but clean and Mac-like, with lots of polish and interaction. Over the years we found them to be equally excellent at other programs, from the actually useful Periscope² to the much needed port of Heroes of Might and Magic V to the Mac, we’ve relied on Freeverse to make easy-to-use, well designed software, and we’ve never been let down.

In recent years we’ve also done a very small amount of testing for Freeverse, and found their staff to be friendly, intelligent, and generous to a fault.

And now they’re being purchased by a company that formed, like, what? Three weeks ago? A company whose empire is based on Rolando: the story of a cartoon ball. This is kind of like some kid who just won a huge cash prize in a Risk tournament buying General Patton.

The question is: will they continue to make Mac games and programs? It seems unlikely. the iPhone/iPad platform is easier to write for, and has a huge base of people just waiting to devour your latest creation with minimal advertising. So desktop games and apps lose again on the mac and more people start to wonder if Windows is really all that bad.

Or maybe we’re blowing the whole thing out of proportion. (We are) so we’ll stop now. It’s not much, but we just wanted to thank Freeverse for the excellent games and wish them well in their new adventures. May the monkey ever be on your back.

---

A: See! See? How was that, eh? Pathos, humor, nostalgia, that post has it all!

Q: Did you want to borrow some black nail polish emo-boy? Whiny. that’s what it was. Whiny.

A: Whatever man. That’s David Pogue level Pulitzer material.³

Q: So, what we get from your trip to California is NOT EVEN a stupid T-Shirt, but a stupid article.

A: Okay, well, maybe you’ll like this post:

MacHeist Mails it In

Three months after the expected beginning of MacHeist, we get, not a new heist full of interest and prizes, but a cheap bundle of good but ininspiring software. Well, we here at CANS arent’ going to stand for it. I mean, yes we’ll buy the bundle, heck, we already have. But we’re not going to like it–

Q: Nope! Not interested.

A: Hey! Stop that!

Q: Alright look, you had a hard week, got it. I’m gonna go hang out with the Macalope for a while. Come back when you got something interesting to say.

1. this actually happened. On the plus side my iMac now has a 1.5 TB hard drive [↩]
2. which I used as a security camera in my room in California [↩]
3. I put that in just so David Pogue would read this and get mad at me again. Hey, negative attention is still attention! Ask any three-year-old! [↩]

Every Friday week so often we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we celebrate true love, enduring love, the love that is felt between a man and his Extended keyboard.

It seemed appropriate.

Q: My keyboard is soft and mushy.

A: Too long in the microwave?

Q: No, I mean, the keys, they don’t do it for me any more. No strength. No resistance.

A: A fine romance, my friend, this is…

Q: I want to type like I did when I was young. I want a keyboard that lets me know when I’ve typed a letter. I want to know where not only how to type the @ symbol, but also the ¥, the£, and even the §. So I guess that’s my question, doc. Where can I find such a keyboard?

A: Ah, to be young again. To return to a time when men were men and keyboards were really really noisy. To recapture that feeling of youth that comes from the feel of springy metal switches under your fingertips.

Q: Yeah, yeah doc. That’s what I want. Tell it to me straight, will I ever feel that way again?

A: There is hope for you, but it comes at a price.

Q: Awww, man, for a keyboard like that, I’d pay hundreds, just to feel like I’m actually doing something again.

A: That’s good. Listen, there’s a company out there that thinks the way you do. They think we’ve gone soft in our modern age with our terrible and quiet keyboards, with no number pads and all that. So they’re bringing the magic back.

Q: Sounds like some great guys! What do I gotta do do get me some of that fully mechanical action?

A: Shell out and be patient at this point. Because you see, the new Tactile Pro 3 won’t is out of stock, but it’s on the way. At $150, Matias is making sure you really want the joy of the late 80’s in your office before they send you one of their wunderkind.

Q: $150? Is that all? Man just bail was more than that from the last time I broke into the Old Computer Museum to play with the–

A: Yes, yes, quite right. So, enjoy your new-old keyboard. Clicky.

Every Friday week we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week, we scrape the bottom of the barrel and dredge up disk utility, the app that 90% of the time only gets used when you think your system is fried.

Q: I have secrets I need to keep.

A: I hear the secrets that you keep–

Q: I don’t talk in my sleep.

A: … Spoilsport.

Q: Aaaaanyway, I have things that need to be kept on the DL. The QT. Under the radar. Under the bridge. Under the boardwalk. Out in the Boondocks ¹. Leaving New York. I forgot what I was talking about.

A: You said you needed to keep secrets before you started quoting song titles.

Q: Riight right. Anyway, I need a way to keep some…things…secure.

A: On your mac.

Q: Yes.

A: You do know that you can encrypt your entire user directory, right?

Q: Yeah, but I don’t want to go that far. I only need some things secured. And they need to be secured even if someone gets into my account. ‘Cause this one time, when I was on rocket-powered skis in the Improbable Mountains outside of Marrakesh…

A: I don’t think I have proper clearance to hear the rest of that. Anyway, Believe it or not, Apple has provided a tool custom-made for people like you.

Q: An incredibly stylish cyanide capsule that fits nicely into a false molar ² ? Retrofitted iSight cameras that also shoot laser beams at unauthorized users? an iPhone app that allows me to not only play my music via bluetooth in my Aston-Martin, but also calls said Aston-Martin to me if I can’t get to it?

A: Umm, kinda like that yeah. Only instead of an improbable and deadly device it’s a way to create an encrypted disk image where you can store your confidential files.

Q: You intrest me strangely, old friend.  How does such a thing work?

A: Well, you know that Macs make great use of disk image files, or “.dmg” files, for things like installers and whatnot? And that a .dmg file is a much easier thing to send over the internet than, say, a CD-ROM?

Q: Yes, I follow you.

A: Well, there’s also an option to encrypt your new .dmg file, so it’s only accessible with a password that you set. You can use 128-bit or 256-bit AES encryption, the same encryption the Americans use for Top-secret documents.

Q: But will  a super-spy be able to crack my password by sitting in  a dark room in front of a screen with green letters scrolling upwards across their face?

A: Only if you’re dumb enough to choose something stylish like “martini” as your password, and only if the hacker is using a Mac.

Q: I like what you say old friend! I shall transfer all those top-secret Soviet plans into an encrypted disk image, set the password to something unguessable like “nomoresecrets”, and finally get the drop on the Reds once and for all!

A: But the USSR… the Soviets… The Berlin Wall… Yeah, alright. Have fun.

Q: So I shall. I’m off!

1. Did you know “boondocks” comes from the Tagalog (Filipino) word “bundok” which means “mountain”? And that it’s the only known Tagalog word to be adopted into English? Well now you do! [↩]
2. Proposed name: the iDie [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we cover the newest player in the brower wars: Google Chrome!

Q: So, another browser.

A: Yes. You need it.

Q: So, it’s better than Safari, Firefox, iCab, Opera et al… how?

A: Fast. Secure. Sleek. Chrome.

Q: And only, what, seven months late on the mac? That makes me ultra-confident that updates will be timely.

A: It’s from Google!

Q: Yeah, I know. So what’s–

A: Google! Goooooooogle! GoooooOOOOoooogle!

Q: Stop that! I know it’s from Google.

A: And it’s free. You can’t not want to download it. You people use everything Google gives you if it’s free!

Q: Ummmm, we’re mac people. We like paying for things.

A: Huh. Yeah, that’s true.  But still, Gooogle! It’s the only word in common useage that looks correct no matter how many “o”s you put in! Gooooooogle! GoooooOOOoooooogle!

Q: Will it run on the tablet?

A: What tablet?

Q: Don’t play coy. You know what I’m talking about.

A: We’ll talk about that….later. For now, just accept Chrome as your King and Browser.

Q: It’s just that I don’t need a new browser. I’m perfectly happy with–

A: Don’t make me start saying “Gooooogle” again!

Q: I’ll download it right now.

A: Thank you.

Every Friday¹ we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we try again to cover that venerable remover of unloved programs, AppZapper!

Q: So why would I need to zap an app, again?

A: Well, if you’re not using it, it’s just making your Applications folder unwieldy. You should get rid of it.

Q: So…This program drags it to the trash so I don’t have to drag it to the trash myself?

A: Well, yeah, but it also finds all the other files associated with the app, and drags them to the trash as well.

Q: What “other files”?

A: All applications have support files that get scattered around. Some are just preference files that get stored in your user directory, some are library files, and it can be a pain to round them all up. So AppZapper does it for you.

Q: uh huh.  So, what happens if I leave those files in place?

A: You have a lot of useless files clogging up your important directories after a while.

Q: And other programs run slower?

A: Probably not. But it’s possible that a new program will try to reference a file from an older one. Also, these preference files store things like “this program is past it’s free trial period”, so you zap a trial app, re-install it, and you have a new trial period!

Q: Well, why didn’t you say so in the first place! Bwa ha ha ha ha! I’ll never buy shareware again! I’m free! Free! Does it work on itself?

A: Possibly?

Q: Free!

A: This could have gone better.

Unexpected third person: I’ll say! I liked the ending with the goat from last week much better.

A: Huh. That was unexpected.

1. ish [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we address the update of that venerable MacHeist alumnus, AppZapper! Now sporting a shiny new 2.0 version number!

Q: So, it’s an app. That gets rid of other apps. Is that about the size of it?

A: Well, yeah. But, see, that’s useful, because–

Q: What happens if you use it on itself? Then what happens? What happens if you zap the zapper?

A: Oh, you don’t want to do that, because

This Just In!

We interrupt this iFAQ to bring you the following urgent message: We know what Apple is going to announce at the upcoming not-actually-announced event later this month!

Forget all your tablet ideas! Put your minds at rest concerning flat computing in general!  Something better, something more revolutionary is coming!

The iCube

Ten inches to a side, the iCube will be made up of not one, but six flat panel touch screens, with features the likes of which you can’t comprehend with your mortal mind.  The iCube will have built in face recognition, and only turn on when it sees it’s owner or a designated user!  Being a full cube, and being able to track your eyes on it, your cube will track where you are looking, and will present a three-dimensional view of your data, but only to you! Feel free to use your iCube on the bus, on a train, on a plain, with a fox AND in a box, because nobody else will be able to see it! To them you will just be looking at a plain black box OR (if you get the iCube Pro) nothing at all! To unauthorized users, the iCube Pro will be completely invisible! You will be sitting there, basking in the glory of your favorite new three dimensional social networking game, and to others on the bus you’ll be talking to your own knees!

This kind of power demands an article with a lot of bolds, all-caps, and italics in it! We may even UNDERLINE a few things! Don’t tempt us!

Crazy, you say?¹ Perhaps! Or perhaps, we, alone of ALL the rabid Apple-centric blogs, have struck upon the unvarnished truth, and covered it with a nice wear-resistant, water-proof veneer of excellence! Think about the rumors, the patent applications, and the hints from overseas we’ve been seeing and tell me you don’t see it!  Tracking a user’s eyes? Apple’s applied for a patent on that!  sudden shortage of high-tech touchscreens? That’s because the iCube will use six of them! The evidence is so clear, even John Gruber could see it, if he ever stopped looking in that mirror of his.

So, when the long-awaited day arrives, and Steve Jobs takes us all into the rabbit hole and we emerge blinking into the bright, starry light of a new dawn, remember who it was that first drew back the curtains and let you listen at the wall, who gave you your first taste of the light, who let you hear that song that touched your heart and made you dance on your hands in a rumba of rapture.

Because it was me.

CANS. Not CARS.

Let’s just be clear on that.

We now take you back to this week’s regularly-scheduled iFAQ, already in progress.

---

Q: You slept with a goat!?!

A: No! We kicked that goat right out of the bed! He had to sleep outside!

Q: Well, thank goodness for that.

1. Please read what it says in the upper left corner of the page. Thank you. [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we’re departing from our usual fare and offering you some tips for using the month of December to your advantage as a Mac user.

Q: So, this is what the top of a shark looks like…

A: Quiet, you.

Q: All right, I’ll bite¹ –

A: Hey! Only I get to write footnotes!

Q: –Ignoring that… Okay, so, what sage advice do you offer as proof that you aren’t just wasting time and space with this article?

A: There are many unique opportunities in December for Mac Users! Lots of App bundles come up about this time every year, and there’s the sales on hardware, and hard drives, and hard games…

Q: So, you want us Mac users to take full advantage of…low low prices all across the internet?

A: Well, it’s also a time for bragging. I mean, let’s say you’ve got a family member who sends out a holiday dvd full of pictures of their kids in various activities all year, and then expects a nice, complimentary email praising their skill and my how little Jennifer has grown, hasn’t she? Well, as a Mac user, you can totally show them up by using iMovie to make your own holiday video, then host it on Mobile me, along with all your pictures and a thoughtfully-written blog. Then you can send a beautifully-themed email from Mail using one of Apple’s “stationary” options letting everyone know that your magnum opus is online, and they may view it at their convenience.

Q: So, we should take advantage of low, low prices AND use our Macs to make ourselves appear far superior to our PC-using relatives?

A: Well, yeah. I mean, isn’t that pretty much why you bought a Mac in the first place?

Q: Granted, but it doesn’t seem like that should have to wait until December.

A: It’s true. You should carry the spirit of Mac Superiority with you all the year round!

Q: I will! I will remember to use Mail and iMovie to look better than others! I will buy Apple’s OS upgrades and their new versions of iWork and iLife! I will keep the spirit of Mac Superiority in my heart, all the year!

A: Steve Jobs bless us, every one!

1. get it? Shark? Bite? Get it? [↩]

This Friday we return from our month-long retreat to Camp NaNoWriMo to answer some inFrequently Answered Questions, like we used to. Like a family.

Today on a very special episode of Friday iFAQ we tackle a sensitive subject: Windows 7 and Boot Camp.

Warning: some content may not be suitable for rabid Apple fans. Reader discretion is advised. ¹

Q: So I have a question about Windows 7. Why does it suck so bad compared to OSX? Looks like MUCKrosoft has three more versions to go before they get it right, eh? Eh? Am I right?

A: It certainly is a Microsoft product, yes.

Q: And what’s with the Microsoft counting system? 95, 98, Me, XP, Vista, 7? What’s that all about? I tell ya, their marketing department is almost as bad as their dev team! Awww yeah, they felt that one! ZING! Eh? Eh? Amiright? Awww yeah.

A: They have certainly had some difficulty finding and adhering to a naming system, heheh.

Q: Say, what’s the matter? We’re talking about Windows here. Why are you just sitting there? Where’s the fire, the pizazz? What’s wrong?

A: Oh it’s nothing. It’s fine. Say, that Steve Ballmer, what’s that all about?

Q: Yeah, look that’s great, but we can bash on Ballmer any time. But now it’s time to rip the new Windows a new one! Come on, let loose!

A: Okay, okay, here goes: ahem. No, not that. Okay, one more shot. Here goes: Wow, Windows still doesn’t have a built-in email client capable of connecting to Exchange Servers? What’s up with that?

Q: … I’m disappointed, I really am. I expected so much more from you. What are the children going to think, if they see you like this? It’s sad, so sad.

A: Look, it’s not a big deal. Macs still totally rock.

Q: So what is it then? I mean it’s not like you’ve started liking…. oh, oh no no no. That’s it, isn’t it? You, you don’t LIKE Windows 7, do you?

A: Look, it’s not a big deal–

Q: Bu- Wha- Why? How? How did this happen? What does this mean for us? For the site?

A: Look, I had to work with Windows 7 on a few projects in my grad school class this semester, and we just kinda, got along.

Q: Got along? With Windows? Why? What did OSX do wrong?

A: Nothing! OSX is still the number one OS in my life, and nothing will change that.

Q: Do the devices know?

A: Um, yeah. I’ve been dual-booting my MacBook Pro–

Q: Oh that’s just wrong–

A: And the iMac has been running Windows as well.

Q: And the iPod Touch? Have you dragged little Touch into your sick new world?

A: What? No! The Touch still syncs with my home iMac.

Q: Well, it’s good to see you’ve retained some sense of propriety.  But, still, saying that you like Windows 7? That’s just wrong. It’s like the world has just pulled out from under my feet… I gotta sit down.
[Sits down]
Well, anyway, the semester is over, so you can un-partition your drives and we can put this whole thing behind us, right?

A: Well…

Q: Oh, I do not like the sound of that…

A: It’s just that, well, I’ve only just started grad school, and there’s a lot of classes ahead of me that will be using Windows, so I’ll need to keep dual booting for a while…

Q: And that’s it? You’re just going over to 7 just like that? How did Windows get you under its spell? What is it about Windows that you like? Is it that new interface? It is, isn’t it? Prancing around all tarted up like some cheap French–

A: Now, you know OSX’s interface has always been enough for me! OSX is sleek, and stylish, Like Audrey Hepburn.

Q: And Windows 7 is painted and dolled up like Paris Hilton. Real operating systems are secure enough in themselves to not need all those alpha effects and glowing start buttons. But if what you are saying is true, and it’s not the slapped-on-with-a-trowel interface special effects, what is it? How did Windows steal your heart?

A: I told you, I’m still loyal to OSX. But, well, I’ll be working a lot with Windows in school and in my new job, so I want you to try to be nice and get along.

Q: Oh, so it’s a new job too, now? What about a new computer or two to go with your fancy new schooling and employment? Maybe a few Dells around the place–

A: Stop that!

Q: Perhaps an HP or two in the den, one for work, one for play, right?

A: Knock it off! There won’t be any Dells or HPs coming into the house. This is an all-Apple house and it’s going to stay that way. All I said is that Windows 7 isn’t that terrible. Sometimes a programmer needs to write some C#, and when that need arises Windows is there for me. And it’s important to me that you can accept that. MacBook Pro has accepted it, and so has iMac. What about you, Q? Can you accept that sometimes I’ll have to spend some time with Windows? Just for work purposes?

Q: Just for work? Promise?

A: I promise.

Q: Well… I guess I can accept that. But I don’t have to like it.

A: Deal.

[Cut to a interior shot of a kitchen. A celebrity² who needs to work off some community service time is seated at the table]

Parents, talk to your kids about dual booting before someone else does. Let them know the risks involved, and help them understand that healthy dual booting is done in moderation. Boot Camp doesn’t have to ruin your life. And remember, whenever you boot into Windows, use up-to-date anti-virus software. Thank you.

1. that’s two posts in a row with disclaimers. I don’t know. Maybe it’s me. [↩]
2. I'm thinking Jerry Seinfeld, as punishment for those terrible Vista commercials [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we cover the one and only 1Password, for all your storing-secret-stuff needs!

A: What’s the big deal? I already use one password!

Q: The program “1Password”?

A: No, I mean I have one password that I use for everything everywhere. Wanna know what it is?

Q: NO! That’s just stupid! Why even ask?

A: It’s “kittenzcanhasfood”! It’s super secure because it’s long and has a “z” instead of an “s” in there!

Q: And it’s on the internet! That has “secure password” all over it!

A: Aaaah, what’s the big deal? So the five people who read this site will know my password, so what? I don’t even really exist.

Q: True, but if you did, suddenly all your everything would be vulerable to…let me see here… anybody on earth. If you want to be that exposed on the web why not just take the plunge and run Windows Vista? And it’s more like 20 people, thank you very much.

A: I still don’t see how a program is going to help me be “safer” on the web. I mean, I still just have one password, it just stores it a bunch of times.

Q: Or you can let it create new passwords for you, which are random and secure, and let it fill those in for you.

A: So anyone can walk up to my computer and use all my stored 1Password passwords. Great. MUCH better than what I’m doing now.

Q: No, they would have to know your “1Password” that you use to sign in to 1Password, otherwise it won’t fill in squat.

A: Okay, so it fills in passwords on one computer…

Q: All your Macs…

A: What now?

Q: 1Password can synchronize your stored passwords to all your macs. And your stored software serial numbers. And your stored…whatever. It specializes in those areas, though. Oh, and it can sync with your iPhone/iPod Touch.

A: Well that’s just spiffy. So what can’t it do?

Q: Make this post funny.

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we continue our look at all things textish with a blast from the past: Typestyler X, the revived version of Typestyler!

Q: Hey, wow! Typestyler is back! I loved that program on my ol’ Flower Power iMac!

A: Yep! It’s back and better than ever!  Typestyler X makes full use of OpenGL, Quartz, CoreImage–

Q: And a website that was apparently designed in 1991!

A: What?

Q: Do you even click on your links?  Their website looks like it was designed on Dreamweaver 1.0 using MacPaint.  I mean look at this button:

A: Well, yeah, it’s not the best ever, but you can’t judge the program on the website…

Q: Wait, why not? They’re selling software that’s designed to make beautiful buttons, logos, etc. and this is what they have on their own site? I mean, here’s a better button I created in 40 seconds in ArtText2:

A: Well, they’ve been so busy getting the new version out, and things have been difficult, I’m sure.

Q: They’ve had seven years! Seven. Years.  And they hadn’t thought to update the graphics on their site in that entire time?  And somehow based on the strength of this website, sans screenshots, sans example files, they expect me to drop $200 for something that ArtText does for less than $40?

A: Well, Typestyler has a long tradition of being…wait, $200?

Q: Do you have an existing license?

A: No…

Q: Then you get to pay $200.  Do not pass go, do not collect squat.

A: Ouch. But wait! I’m sure the program rocks!

Q: Honestly, if you didn’t love it as an OS 9 program you won’t be impressed. It still looks a lot like OS 9.  Old. School. I mean, it’s powerful, and it’s got good features, but it’s ugly and hard to use.

A: Man, that’s harsh.  Which is usually my role.

Q: Yeah, you kinda didn’t answer any questions this week.

A: Well, I learned about ArtText, and that’s something.

Q: Good for you! That’ll be $200.