Crazy Apple News Site

So, we noticed today that 1.) we didn’t write anything on Friday and 2.) what we wrote two weeks ago is no longer true. We said that TypeStylerX’s webpage had buttons that looked like this:

Ultra-Classy Button

And we mocked them for this, considering the nature of the product.  We are pleased to see that the buttons on the site now look like this:

Ever So Much Better!

Which is a change for the much, much better.

But…¹

There’s still so much more to do for the site.  And here’s where I’m on thin ice. First of all, props to Strider software for getting a new version out after 7 years. Props for hanging on for 7 years, and for that matter, having a commercial product on the market at all.  I’ve got any number of half-finished² programs that haven’t yet seen the light of day, and may not ever do so.  So with all that, they still got a web store up and functional, no mean feat in and of itself. Heaven knows that I don’t spend a whole lot of time on site design on this site.  I choose a WordPress theme, make a few changes, and run with it. So me criticizing someone else’s site design can be compared to a telephone conversation between a pot and a kettle regarding scorch marks.  But when layout matters, like when I’m making a site for a client, then I focus on every pixel on every browser, and spend almost as much time on the layout as the code.

But…³

This site has nothing to do with text layout, graphic design, or the like. I’m here to make fun of people in hopefully creative and theoretically amusing ways.  My site design is not integral to my message. If you are selling a product that is meant to make things look good, yours is.  Really, if you are selling a product full stop, your site design is integral to your message.  Pagehand‘s developer knows this, as does the gentleman who makes Scrivener. They have both designed beautiful sites that tell you exactly what the product does, with screenshots, trials, pricing and everything else easy to find and attractively designed. And their headers don’t look like they were made in 2001.

Well, you could say that this article is 1.) needlessly long, boring and preachy, 2.) more appropriate for my other site, or even 3.) more appropriate for throwing away entirely.  But hopefully someone at Strider Software will look into hiring a web designer to update their site⁴ . Or at least replace the header image and add a few screen shots.

Okay, I’m done. Theoretically funny posts return soon.

1. There’s always a “But…” [↩]
2. and in some cases, half-started [↩]
3. Sometimes there’s two “But…”s [↩]
4. I charge a very reasonable $35/hour. But something tells me that this post is not the place to advertise that fact. [↩]

It has come to my attention that, in my haste to publish the earnings of this blog, I failed to mention one line item. It is with the intent to rectify this oversight that I do hereby publish the following:

• Over 200 comments apiece from two very faithful commenters, valued at: giving me a reason to keep doing this.
  • Personal value: priceless.¹

To the other roughly 20 people a day who read this blog: would it kill you to write once in a while? Your mother and I, we worry about you, out there all alone while people like Kanye West and John Meyer are on the loose.

1. note to the IRS: taxable value is still zero! [↩]

In order to be fully compliant with this new guideline, the CANS staff does hereby make the following disclosure:

In the 1.5 years we have been covering Apple news and events, we have received the following material considerations:

• From Apple, Inc, their subsidiary and affiliate companies: Nothing, valued at $0.
• From Microsoft, and former Microsoft CEO Bill Gates: Nothing, valued at $0.
• From New York Times Columnist David Pogue: 1 less-than-thrilled comment on an article we wrote a while ago, valued at roughly 20 new hits on our site from people who saw that thing I put on twitter.

We hope this will help you make more informed decisions about our trustworthiness as a source of Crazy Apple News.

We called ourselves for a statement on these numbers but we were unwilling to comment.

I mean, Really.¹ Come on, guys. Even I don’t write stories about new financial practices. I write stories about other people who write stories about new financial practices. Which is clearly better.

1. Caution: Linked article contains TLAs and ETLAs related to accounting or whatever. We couldn’t be bothered to read the whole thing. [↩]

Apple’s Phil Schilller has recently been sending polite emails to bloggers who have problems with the iPhone, which is good. But none of these missives have dealt with the main problem we here at CANS have with the high-tech device, so we’re going to rant about it here until Apple takes action.¹ Because that’s the kind of public-spirited, watchdog source of invented news we are.

So, Apple talks about their commitment to the developers and iPhone owners. They have demonstrated their drive to make the iPhone the number one personal communications device through excellent marketing. They built an easy-to-shop² App Store, and continued in their tried and true pattern of making truly excellent products.  But they have missed one key element, one essential piece of the puzzle that, if left unchecked, will be the entire downfall of the iPhone’s empire, and we call upon Apple to set it right at all costs. ³

The problem is this: Nobody at CANS has an iPhone!  None of the Ruby Ninja Androids, not Nate, not….well, that’s the whole staff, really.  But none of us are iPhone owners, and if Apple doesn’t take drastic steps to remedy this situation we will be forced, as Steven Frank was, to utterly boycott the iPhone.  Needless to say, this will lead to the sort of financial problems that shuttered other great companies. For example, nobody at CANS was a customer at Enron, and look what happened to them!  And the same thing is true of Apple products:  Know why the Newton died? Because not a single CANS editor owned one! Case closed!

And yet Apple continues, blithely ignoring this threat to the very existence of their beloved iPhone, not doing the one simple thing that would put them on sure, solid ground: sending us a free iPhone 3GS and paying our AT&T contract for a year.  We estimate that this one simple, cost effective move would ensure a 100% increase in the iPhone’s market share⁴.

We call upon Apple to rectify this situation immediately.⁵

1. Or we get a nice email from a senior executive. [↩]
2. but somewhat less easy-to-stock [↩]
3. Free mixed metaphors,5-7pm nightly [↩]
4. at CANS HQ [↩]
5. or at the very least have Mr. Schiller send us a nice email explaining that they’ve taken our views on board and are considering it. [↩]

When we first learned that Psystar was filing chapter 11, our response was

HAAAAAhahahahahahahahahaheeeeeeee [gasp] heeheeheehoooooo wooo! Heh heh heh. Heh. Heh heh heh ha haa ha ha ha ha ha haaaahaaa haa hahahahahahahahahoooo boy! No, okay, I’m done. Snrk. Snort. Bwahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha hooo hooo hoooo haaaahahahahaaaa! Aaaaaaaahhhhh.. Heh heh heh.

But then we realised that, while on the surface Psystar seems to be nothing more than a straw man with feet of clay living in a house of cards with a paper tiger who cried “Fire!” in a crowded theater while the wolf was at the door, in reality they struck while the iron was hot, but couldn’t stand the heat so they got out of the kitchen and now they have to pay the piper and give the devil his due, or else the chickens will be coming home to roost with a vengence.  Oh, they can play this chapter 11 shell game while the sun shines, but somebody’s eventually gonna find the fat lady and it’ll be time to face the music. And you can take that to the bank.

So, Mr. Moltz finally admits that he’s left the pure world of Apple blogging in favor of fear mongering.  And frankly we here at CANS are shocked, shocked and offended that he would be running this shameful side project.  You can rest assured that CANS is our highest online priority, and that neither I nor any of the Ruby Ninja Androids would even think of running any other web sites…

Oh, those.  Right.  Um.  Well, CANS is always first, you know that, baby.  C[2]N means nothing to me¹ …Yes, I know I opened a web store with C[2]N shirts, but It’s never sold any!  C’mon, you know I love CANS most! Awww, now don’t be like that!…

1. Dear Coals [2] Newcastle readers: Thanks for dropping by! Have you considered not reading this article?  Remember, this is a humor blog!  Not serious! Okay, bye! [↩]

With the new year all upon us and the festive celebrations dying down, it’s time to bend our somwhat bleary minds to the task of second-guessing Apple’s every move before they make it. Fortunately for us, nothing we write has any grounding in reality anyway, so we’re home free.

We predict that January’s Macworld will bring no less than a new Mac mini, iPod shuffle¹, iPhone 128GB with 4G support, and the startling move of the entire Mac OSX to the “cloud”, coupled with government regulation mandating that we stop making up new names for the internet before every word in English, French, Finnish and Tamil also means “The Internet”.
“For Pete’s sake,” says the bill on page 23, Paragraph 8, section 7. “How many words do we need for a worldwide communication network?”

Concerns about Steve Jobs’ health will escalate to the point that Apple will create a cybernetic version of the mercurial CEO that will work every day in a glass office in downtown Cupertino. The deception will work perfectly until the robot accidentally crashes through the wall of the office and smashes to bits on the street below. This will in turn give rise to endless speculation about the length of Steve Jobs’ AppleCare coverage.

Phil Schiller will continue to rise in eminence in the company, ushering in a new age of Apple leadership, but also bringing back an old friend, by which I mean John Meyer. The iguana-faced singer will be elected to the board of directors after buying millions of shares in Apple on credit. He will then lose his seat when it turns out he can’t pay even the finance charges on the amount and his shares are repossesed. John will then be discraced and become the Richard Nixon of pop guitarists, while the new board member will be Al the Repo man. Al will resonate with the public and the company’s shares will skyrocket.

In more mundane news, John Gruber will continue to be irritable, Merlin Mann will write exactly four articles, and John Moltz will go in and out of retirement twice.

December will bring another round of changes to OSX, which, in response to changes in the computer ecosystem will be renamed “iPhone OS for Laptops.”

Quixotically, the following year will be renamed “20-OSX” at the urging of Nobel prize winner Al Gore and his collegue Al the Repo man.

Here’s to a very Mac new year!

1. with the all-important “Genius” feature. [↩]

When we learned that Microsoft had created a line of “retro” t-shirts, we had some difficult questions to answer.

The first of which was not, “do we make fun of Microsoft for this odd new advertising medium/revenue stream?” Of course we’re going to make fun of them for it.  That’s a given.  No, the question is “how are we going to make fun of Microsoft for this odd new advertising medium/revenue stream?”

I mean, we could take the obvious route: “These t-shirts crash 30% less than Windows Vista! Just like DOS!”

Or the closely related: “And unlike DOS, these shirts are guaranteed to be bug-free!”

Or even: “These shirts are guaranteed to {expletive deleted} destroy Google!”

And we decided to step around the whole “Softwear by Microsoft: celebrating the last time we made an OS that worked the way it was supposed to,” territory.

None of these are the route we decided to take.  No, we have a much higher, more subtle method of mocking the largest, most influential, most myopic software company in the world in mind.

Stay tuned to this RSS feed to see what we did come up with!

And no, we aren’t going to Photoshop Steve Ballmer’s head onto the body of some twenty-year-old model who is wearing one of these shirts.  So just get that image out of your head right now.

Since there has been so much clamor for a fable, here’s a post I was already working on cleverly re-worked as “a short story, typically with animals as characters, conveying a moral”¹

Once there was a dorky man named Mister Gates.  He wrote software on punch cards.  Everyone thought he was a geek, but they were kind to him because he made lots and lots of money.

One day Mr. Gates found a bald monkey living a sad and dejected life. The monkey had no name, so Mr. Gates called it Ballmer, because it was, well, a bald monkey. For years Mr. Gates tried to teach Ballmer to behave properly around people. He spent his time teaching Ballmer how to speak, how to walk, and how to motivate people, until one day he decided to let Ballmer out in public.  It didn’t go well. Ballmer got scared of all the people looking at him, started sweating profusely, and suddenly started clapping his hands together and shouting “Developers! Developers! Developers!” while dancing around in a circle.

Mr. Gates was sad, but he took Ballmer back to his home in Seattle and worked with him for several more years.  It got to the point where Mr. Gates couldn’t even clean his Windows because he was spending so much time trying to get Ballmer to act like a human.

Finally, after years and years, Mr. Gates believed that Ballmer was ready to be let out into the real world.  In fact, he was so confident that as he left his company he gave Ballmer the keys, and told everyone to listen to the monkey.  Everyone was surprised; the monkey had learned how to form full sentences, and even some basic math:

“Forty percent of servers run Windows, 60 percent run Linux.  How are we doing? Forty is less than 60, so I don’t like it. … We have some work to do².”

Although some of his sentences are a little convoluted:

“We want software more powerful than software that runs in a browser³.”

In the end, Ballmer hauled Mr. Gates back from his retirement feeding starving children in Africa and working on a cure for AIDS so that Mr. Gates could star in a pointless series of commercials with a comedian from New York. And while nobody laughed at the commercials, once again everybody laughed at Ballmer.

The moral⁴ of the story:  Don’t dress a monkey in a suit and call it a CEO, lest it start flinging things in the board room((Like this. Caution: linked story contains naughty words that Steve Ballmer allegedly said to an employee.)).

Okay kids, settle down now, it’s time for bed.

1. courtesy of the Apple built-in dictionary [↩]
2. from Macworld [↩]
3. also from Macworld, but a different article [↩]
4. Does anyone remember the Wheel of Morality from Animaniacs? [↩]