Crazy Apple News Site

Apple has sent out announcements for an event happening Wednesday, September 1st. It’s got a guitar with an Apple-logo hole in it, it’s happening at the right time to be a music based event. You know what that means, kids: It’s time to make some predictions of the sort that would make Nostradomus say, “whoa, dude, let’s bring it back to reality, there.”

Not for us the predictions of a new Apple TV, or the demise of the once-glorious iPod Classic. No, we seek wilder, weirder skies than these. This, then, is our ten least likely predictions.

1. Fat.
   Nano.
   Touch.
2. The whole event is actually being held because Steve Jobs is tired of the terrible music people are making in GarageBand, will be spent with him at an iMac, writing an elaborate ballad in his favorite loop based music creation program. It will instantly shoot to the top of the iTunes charts and stay there by force for two years.
3. The event will be a retrospective, looking back at all the special musical guests Apple has had grace the stage over the past few years of keynotes and “special events”. Randy Newman, Norah Jones, John Mayer and Bono will all be in attendance, and the highlight will be a four-way rap battle between them. Norah Jones will make John Mayer cry, and will receive a standing ovation. As well she should.
4. Apple will finally make the iGuitar. The picture on the invite is the real device. It will have no USB ports, no plugin, and will only work with Apple-branded Bluetooth amps.
5. The Apple TV and iPod Classic will join forces and merge into a super-device in an attempt to remain relevant in this world of multi-touch screens and flash memory. Unfortunately, the new device will be no more intelligible or user-friendly than the two old devices¹ . It will, however, make John Mayer cry, and receive a standing ovation.
6. Look forward to seeing Jony Ive covered in a new Liquidmetal skin, resplendent and transcendent, as he takes the stage to explain how he has finally found a way to make the human body entire into a perfect wi-fi and 3G antenna.
7. Sick and tired of all the controversy and hype, Apple, Inc. will announce that they just out and out purchased Apple Corps, and have fired Yoko Ono.Out of a cannon.All Beatles songs will be available on iTunes. For free. When asked about this bold new pricing plan, Jobs will reply “take that, Ringo!”
8. iPhone 5 will be announced, with an emphasis on music production. Garage Band for iPhone and iPad will be released by the end of the week.
9. This probably won’t happen, but it would rock: Apple puts someone with an attention span of more than 30 seconds in charge of MacHeist III, because the current people are “making the Apple community look bad.”
10. OSX 10.7 will be announced. Code name: Coltrane. When questioned about the shift, bad jokes will be made about ‘Trane being a “cool cat”.²

1. Can you believe we used to think that click wheels were a good way to browse huge libraries of music? Ugh. [↩]
2. Look, you try coming up with 10 jokes about a guitar with a  Apple-shaped hole. They’re not all going to be good. Or even any of them. [↩]

So, I posted a stupid comment on an article by Roger Ebert on my other blog, figuring that no one would read it, because no one ever does. Apparently Ebert did, and posted a link on Twitter, and now I’m fielding about 10 hate comments an hour. Moral of the story: if you are going to post poorly thought out vile slanders of famous people make sure you do it on a humor blog. Better moral of the story: post well thought out vile slanders instead.

Every now and again we answer really, really inFrequently Asked Questions to help those of you with no moral compasses deal with the zephyr-like and ephemeral changes in Basic Decency.

Q: So, I found this guy, and he found this thing, right? And it’s kinda not a thing that people are supposed to see yet, okay?

A: Give it back to the rightful owner.

Q: But, well, you see, I feel like I have a duty to the faceless crowds of people who visit my site on a daily basis. I mean, they deserve to know what’s coming, right?

A: Do you get paid per click?

Q: Well, kinda per pageview.

A: Give it back to the rightful owner, and give them all the money you made off of exploiting their trade secrets.

Q: Well, but what harm does it actually do? It’s not like anyone was surprised by what they saw, right? It’s kinda helping them in a way, be–because now people can plan for the future, and decide that they’ll want to buy the thing, when, you know, when it’s actually released.

A: Give it back, give them all the money you made, and apologize.

Q: What? Why? Why should I apologize for a mistake that someone on their side made? I mean, that guy, who found the thing? He tried to give it back!

A: Uh huh. But you sure didn’t.

Q: Well, we had to know if the thing belonged to…the company to whom we thought it might have belonged… Because, you know, maybe it didn’t.

A: Maybe. But you can sure get knock-off “things” a lot cheaper than $5,000-$10,000.

Q: Well, we thought it might have been real…

A: And instead of confirming it and giving it back to the original owner, you took it apart, put pictures of it all over the internet, drove unprecedented numbers of viewers to your site, made up flimsy cover stories for how you got the thing, possibly cost an engineer his job, and even if he stays employed you’ve disgraced him to his company.

Q: Well, we needed to tell the public–

A: No, you really didn’t. There’s all kinds of laws about that sort of thing, and even without the laws there are conventions, manners, social norms and basic human decency that should have told you that what you did is slimy and unpleasant.

Q: Look, it’s my job–

A: No, you look. This sort of thing is beyond the pale, alright? It’s things like this, and the people who take advantage of things like this, that give “new media” a bad name. I feel dirty just being an author of a HUMOR site about rumors about the company that made the thing. You could have played it cool. You could have reviewed the thing, taken your own internal pictures, learned a bit about it, quietly returned it, and have been really really accurate with your predictions on this one. You could have used it to take Gruber down a peg by being more right than him for a while. But now he looks like the good guy. And that annoys me. It annoys me enough to set you up as a straw man in an article where I actually used italics and bold typefaces without irony. Guessing what’s coming, finding “well placed sources” who give us tantalizing hints of what’s next, that’s what we do.¹ Paying for possibly stolen or lost property hoping that it is stolen or lost property? I call foul. That’s not just sneaking a peek at the secret stash of Christmas presents, that’s taking your webcam into the secret stash and posting what everyone’s getting on Facebook on November 30th.

Q:…

A: But it’s more than that. I thought you were some of the good guys. You do the best event coverage of any of the sites, and you have some of the best reviews on up and coming shiny toys out there. But you work for a slimeball and decided to play like slimeballs. That’s your choice, and I realize that refusal could have cost you your careers. I realize it’s insanely unlikely that I’ll ever be in the position you were put in when you were offered the shot at a once-in-a-lifetime news story. But if I am I hope nobody has cause to write an article like this about me.

1. well, it’s what the real rumors sites do. I just make fun of them [↩]

Macworld’s Coverage of Apple’s tragic shift away from printers has led us to do similar research into other products Apple will never make again. Warning! This article may prove painful for people with strong, irrational personal connections to some of these products.

The Newton

Yes, it’s sad, but the Newton has gone, and will not return. Yes, there are people who say that the iPod Touch is the Newton for the 21st century, but those people are mentally ill and you should stop talking to them. That’s like saying that a MacBook Pro is the Babbage Analytical Engine for the 21st century. They are vaguely similar, but not similar enough for me to not want to hit you repeatedly for saying it. Apple stopped making the Newton because it was a stupid product and you should be ashamed for bringing it up in polite company. It’s like telling the story of how your dog got hit by a car in the middle of a business dinner with clients from many nations. Why was your dog even at a business dinner with clients from many nations? And how did the car get in the restaurant? Why haven’t you told me this story yet? It sounds fascinating.

HyperCard

HyperCard is also dead. No, Revolution is not the new Hypercard, Revoution is a bunch of Irish people trying to make money by selling an increasingly bloated scripting environment.  No, AppleScript is not revolution, AppleScript is more like Perl done strange.  You are a sad, strange person for still wanting your OS7-style scripted PowerPoint, and you need to get out into the fresh air a little bit more.  I should also get out into the fresh air a little more, but it’s like 4 degrees outside right now, and better you than me in that kind of weather.

Snood

Okay, I admit, you can still buy snood, but I really don’t know why you would. Is there some kind of strange mind-control subliminal messaging in that game? Why do people still play it? It’s kinda ugly and not really all that much fun. So, it should be dead, even if it isn’t.

Well, I admit that this wasn’t the most useful post on earth, and definitely didn’t make me any new friends.  But I also contend that it was at least as topical and sensible as Macworld’s three part series on printers that haven’t been made for a decade or more.  Have a nice day.

So, we noticed today that 1.) we didn’t write anything on Friday and 2.) what we wrote two weeks ago is no longer true. We said that TypeStylerX’s webpage had buttons that looked like this:

Ultra-Classy Button

And we mocked them for this, considering the nature of the product.  We are pleased to see that the buttons on the site now look like this:

Ever So Much Better!

Which is a change for the much, much better.

But…¹

There’s still so much more to do for the site.  And here’s where I’m on thin ice. First of all, props to Strider software for getting a new version out after 7 years. Props for hanging on for 7 years, and for that matter, having a commercial product on the market at all.  I’ve got any number of half-finished² programs that haven’t yet seen the light of day, and may not ever do so.  So with all that, they still got a web store up and functional, no mean feat in and of itself. Heaven knows that I don’t spend a whole lot of time on site design on this site.  I choose a WordPress theme, make a few changes, and run with it. So me criticizing someone else’s site design can be compared to a telephone conversation between a pot and a kettle regarding scorch marks.  But when layout matters, like when I’m making a site for a client, then I focus on every pixel on every browser, and spend almost as much time on the layout as the code.

But…³

This site has nothing to do with text layout, graphic design, or the like. I’m here to make fun of people in hopefully creative and theoretically amusing ways.  My site design is not integral to my message. If you are selling a product that is meant to make things look good, yours is.  Really, if you are selling a product full stop, your site design is integral to your message.  Pagehand‘s developer knows this, as does the gentleman who makes Scrivener. They have both designed beautiful sites that tell you exactly what the product does, with screenshots, trials, pricing and everything else easy to find and attractively designed. And their headers don’t look like they were made in 2001.

Well, you could say that this article is 1.) needlessly long, boring and preachy, 2.) more appropriate for my other site, or even 3.) more appropriate for throwing away entirely.  But hopefully someone at Strider Software will look into hiring a web designer to update their site⁴ . Or at least replace the header image and add a few screen shots.

Okay, I’m done. Theoretically funny posts return soon.

1. There’s always a “But…” [↩]
2. and in some cases, half-started [↩]
3. Sometimes there’s two “But…”s [↩]
4. I charge a very reasonable $35/hour. But something tells me that this post is not the place to advertise that fact. [↩]

It has come to my attention that, in my haste to publish the earnings of this blog, I failed to mention one line item. It is with the intent to rectify this oversight that I do hereby publish the following:

• Over 200 comments apiece from two very faithful commenters, valued at: giving me a reason to keep doing this.
  • Personal value: priceless.¹

To the other roughly 20 people a day who read this blog: would it kill you to write once in a while? Your mother and I, we worry about you, out there all alone while people like Kanye West and John Meyer are on the loose.

1. note to the IRS: taxable value is still zero! [↩]

In order to be fully compliant with this new guideline, the CANS staff does hereby make the following disclosure:

In the 1.5 years we have been covering Apple news and events, we have received the following material considerations:

• From Apple, Inc, their subsidiary and affiliate companies: Nothing, valued at $0.
• From Microsoft, and former Microsoft CEO Bill Gates: Nothing, valued at $0.
• From New York Times Columnist David Pogue: 1 less-than-thrilled comment on an article we wrote a while ago, valued at roughly 20 new hits on our site from people who saw that thing I put on twitter.

We hope this will help you make more informed decisions about our trustworthiness as a source of Crazy Apple News.

We called ourselves for a statement on these numbers but we were unwilling to comment.

I mean, Really.¹ Come on, guys. Even I don’t write stories about new financial practices. I write stories about other people who write stories about new financial practices. Which is clearly better.

1. Caution: Linked article contains TLAs and ETLAs related to accounting or whatever. We couldn’t be bothered to read the whole thing. [↩]

Apple’s Phil Schilller has recently been sending polite emails to bloggers who have problems with the iPhone, which is good. But none of these missives have dealt with the main problem we here at CANS have with the high-tech device, so we’re going to rant about it here until Apple takes action.¹ Because that’s the kind of public-spirited, watchdog source of invented news we are.

So, Apple talks about their commitment to the developers and iPhone owners. They have demonstrated their drive to make the iPhone the number one personal communications device through excellent marketing. They built an easy-to-shop² App Store, and continued in their tried and true pattern of making truly excellent products.  But they have missed one key element, one essential piece of the puzzle that, if left unchecked, will be the entire downfall of the iPhone’s empire, and we call upon Apple to set it right at all costs. ³

The problem is this: Nobody at CANS has an iPhone!  None of the Ruby Ninja Androids, not Nate, not….well, that’s the whole staff, really.  But none of us are iPhone owners, and if Apple doesn’t take drastic steps to remedy this situation we will be forced, as Steven Frank was, to utterly boycott the iPhone.  Needless to say, this will lead to the sort of financial problems that shuttered other great companies. For example, nobody at CANS was a customer at Enron, and look what happened to them!  And the same thing is true of Apple products:  Know why the Newton died? Because not a single CANS editor owned one! Case closed!

And yet Apple continues, blithely ignoring this threat to the very existence of their beloved iPhone, not doing the one simple thing that would put them on sure, solid ground: sending us a free iPhone 3GS and paying our AT&T contract for a year.  We estimate that this one simple, cost effective move would ensure a 100% increase in the iPhone’s market share⁴.

We call upon Apple to rectify this situation immediately.⁵

1. Or we get a nice email from a senior executive. [↩]
2. but somewhat less easy-to-stock [↩]
3. Free mixed metaphors,5-7pm nightly [↩]
4. at CANS HQ [↩]
5. or at the very least have Mr. Schiller send us a nice email explaining that they’ve taken our views on board and are considering it. [↩]

When we first learned that Psystar was filing chapter 11, our response was

HAAAAAhahahahahahahahahaheeeeeeee [gasp] heeheeheehoooooo wooo! Heh heh heh. Heh. Heh heh heh ha haa ha ha ha ha ha haaaahaaa haa hahahahahahahahahoooo boy! No, okay, I’m done. Snrk. Snort. Bwahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha hooo hooo hoooo haaaahahahahaaaa! Aaaaaaaahhhhh.. Heh heh heh.

But then we realised that, while on the surface Psystar seems to be nothing more than a straw man with feet of clay living in a house of cards with a paper tiger who cried “Fire!” in a crowded theater while the wolf was at the door, in reality they struck while the iron was hot, but couldn’t stand the heat so they got out of the kitchen and now they have to pay the piper and give the devil his due, or else the chickens will be coming home to roost with a vengence.  Oh, they can play this chapter 11 shell game while the sun shines, but somebody’s eventually gonna find the fat lady and it’ll be time to face the music. And you can take that to the bank.