Crazy Apple News Site

Much has been said about the iPad’s large display, attractive design, and custom silicon. These features are well known and well documented. However, there is another element to the iPad that has yet to be thoroughly explored.

Until now.

“We had suspected that there was a significant gain in this area,” said Dr. E. Gobost, “but it wasn’t until we ran the actual tests that we realized exactly how significant Apple’s achievement was.”

“We feel the boost is due in part to the large Apple logo on the back of the iPad,” he continued. “The Apple logo on the iPhone was depressingly small, and was often covered by the user’s hand. This made it harder to show off the fact that you were using a top-of-the-line Apple product, and thus reduced the pretentiousness of the device. Apple has completely solved that in the design of the iPad.”

“It’s true,” verified Abus Ryder, iPad owner and pretentious snob. “With my iPod touch I had be really obvious that I was using a multi-touch device to properly impress the other passengers on my commute to work every day. Now the big glossy Apple logo lets everyone know that even though I’m riding the bus to work, It’s not because I’m a loser who makes very little money. It’s because I’m choosing to do so, you know, for the environment. So it’s a double score for me! Score! Score!”

“The iPad was designed to improve owners’ lives by being an excellent touch screen computer that allows you to effortlessly do all the things you love without being tied to a desk or a keyboard,” said a faceless Apple PR spokesperson¹ . “Any increase in ego or pretentiousness is merely a side effect of owning a well-designed device, and wasn’t included by design.”

Dr. Gobost finds this hard to believe.

“I find that hard to believe. I mean look at these numbers,” he said, opening a Numbers Spreadsheet on his iPad and showing us a graph. He then decided that the graph wasn’t pretty enough in Numbers and re-created it in Keynote. “See how easy that was? That kind of simple, swipe-tap-drag simplicity is just for making life more fun for users. Tap! Swipe! Double-tap! Two-finger-tap! Done! That’s pure showmanship, friends.” Gobost did not explain the measurements used in his chart, other than to note that the values were in “SPUs”² .

He may just have a point.

“He may have a point,” conceded Punny Name, a person. “With the iMac, or the Power Mac, or even the Mac mini you have to get the person to come to your actual desk to show off your Apple awesomeness. The MacBook Pros are portable, sure, but hard to really show off in settings like the bus, the train, or standing in line at a fashionable whole foods store. The iPhones and iPods are easy to use anywhere, but showing them off is a challenge. Apple has finally hit that sweet spot: Big enough to show off, small enough to show off anywhere.”

1. It was really creepy. I had to look away [↩]
2. Standard Pretentiousness Units [↩]

Look, when humor sites do April Fool’s Day things it’s just stupid, right? I mean, parodying your parody site puts you dangerously close to the Alfred Newman/Dr. Demento/Gallagher level of humor, where you start relying on wolf whistles and watermelons and opaque catchphrases.¹

So instead of doing any of that we’re presenting a post that was scheduled to auto-appear on April 3rd at 7:00 am. It’s all about me not going to stand in line because my iPad was going to be delivered, and was written before I decided I’d rather go stand in line. So without further ado, we present: Saturday Morning.

Saturday Morning

UnAssociated Press–SALT LAKE CITY Something big is happening today. Crowds are gathered downtown, lining up, hours early, waiting. Many of these people have travelled from neighboring states to be here. Most, if not all, have dressed up for the event, even. Laughing, talking, happy. Sure, here and there is someone who doesn’t seem to be part of the scene, perhaps a bit annoyed by having to get past all these other people, but for the most part everyone here seems to be looking forward to one thing.
I’m referring, of course, to the 180th Annual General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and event that has been tying up SLC traffic for well over 160 years now.

But just under one mile away, almost due east, there’s another crowd. Not as large as the first, perhaps, but they too are lining up for something big. Something new is coming, and they are here to be among the first to see it. A few of them are in suits and ties or dresses, suggesting that they’re ready to move from one crowd to the other as soon as they’re done here. Here, too, there is an air of excitement, here, too, are a few people annoyed at the crowd, but overall a feeling of expectation.
I’m referring, of course, to the official launch of the iPad.

A few miles south and west, there’s a house. That’s where I am. Since it’s only about 7am on a Saturday, I’m still asleep, mumbling something about video drivers into my pillow.² I’ll be taking part of both activities today, but from the comfort of my own house. My iPad will be here soon, so says UPS’s tracking website. I can watch conference on the internet, as I’ve done for a few years running now. Unfortunately, I have a duty to perform: I must make up stories about the people who wait in line for a new Apple product. Blearily I stumble out of bed and start pretending to be somewhere I’m not³ Here, then, is the official live coverage of the iPad launch event.

The mood is festive here at the Apple Store, with people lining up, sitting down and waiting for the launch of the decade⁴ I approached with caution, my experiences with the MobileMe and iPhone OS 3.0 launches having left me wary and skittish, like a cat that’s been around two too many two-year-olds.

Still, the crowd here seemed, well, normal. People were wearing real pants and shirts, and there wasn’t a single tatoo’ed Apple product on display anywhere. Some people were on their phones, some were watching movies on their iPods, some were just…having conversations. In person. It was kind of like opening the door into the sub-basement after coming down a flight of damp and creaky stairs and finding a well-lit, clean and aired out sitting room with comfy chairs. One couldn’t shake the feeling that it wouldn’t be long before the other shoe was dropped and a huge monster with big slimy claws slithered out from behind a dust ruffle and ate a minor character. Still, such is the life of a pretend journalist, so I waded in and actually spoke with some people.

“I want an iPad so I can watch movies on the train,” said the first man I approached. Before I’d even asked him, as a matter of fact. “Because I like watching movies, and I hate sitting on the train for 45 minutes a day, looking at the wall. I mean, who wants to do that? Not me. Not Marvin Q. Peacock.” He looked at me expectantly, but what exactly it was he was expecting was opaque to me. Then he started offering to sell me low-cost vacations and generic medicines. That’s when I remembered where I’d heard his name before. He was a spammer.

“I think the iPad will be a great help to me in my work,” said a young lady who apparently decided I was a real journalist. “It’s got all the features I’m always looking for in a communication device. It’s portable, instant-on and instant-off, with a good battery life and rock-solid connectivity. Furthermore, the built-in screen and speakers make it a perfect addition to my one-woman shows against apartheid. I can use it as a prop or as a music player. that way I’ll really be able to get people to pay attention to the rights of downtrodden, masses of ants. Would you like to see a scene? It’s called ‘The Shoe That Stomped Me’.”

She then launched into a three-minute diatribe against what she referred to as “that infernal Nike”.

The next person I saw was Chandler Bing, from the TV show Friends. Not Matthew Perry, the actor who portrayed him, but the acutal fictional character Chandler Bing. “Could I be any less real?” he asked. “And hey, why am I in line to buy an iPad? They didn’t exist when I was on the air! I have no way of knowing about them! I gotta go find Joey.”

Past him were three men in dark coats, collars turned up, hats down low on their heads. I informed them that they were several months ahead of schedule and in the wrong state to boot. They left hurredly and without comment.

At length the doors opened and everyone flooded into the Apple store to buy their iPads. As I headed home to await the arrival of mine, I couldn’t help but feel just a little let down. Sure, people being weird at launches is kinda scary, but it’s also a lot of fun. everyone at this launch was so,so…well, normal. Oh well. Next maybe next time.

1. Fun game! Try to think up a catch phrase more banal than “What, me worry?” ! (Hint: this isn’t possible.) [↩]
2. That’s the benefit of writing your articles two weeks early. I should remember that. [↩]
3. well, not really. See, this is still all written two weeks before the actual fact. But let’s pretend. Which would be easier if I stopped knocking holes in this here fourth wall. [↩]
4. a decade which is only four months old, I’ll grant you. [↩]

Former CEO Jonathan Schwartz has started a blog detailing all the things he was too humble to tell us about himself when he was still captain of a sinking ship CEO of sun. His upcoming book WordPress hosted blog reveals some of the things you might not have known about the kinds of meetings that happen between CEO’s of major companies and third-string wannabes. But we weren’t content to wait for the next installment of “Jonathan Schwartz tells Apple to shut up”, so we called him directly and asked for the “The dirt”.

“So, this one time, Bill Gates came into my office, and was all, “Java is stupid!” and I was all “whatever Bill, .Net looks like crap and doesn’t run on Solaris!” Schwartz related over the phone. He continued, “So then I flexed all my pecs and abs and my shirt was like BOOM and Bill was all ‘Wow Jon you have awesome muscles and I just wet myself so I’m leaving now because you’re so scary!’ and I was the strongest CEO in the world and I made Steve Jobs give me his lunch money and Steve Ballmer told me that he wants to be like me when he grows up.”

Unfortunately, at this point Mrs. Schwartz came in and told Johnny that it was nap time He had to attend a high-level meeting, so we were unable to continue with his story. But we’ll be sure to pick it up in his assuredly not soon to be a bestseller, as soon as it comes out on Apple’s iBooks service.

And now we’ll leave you with the Steve Jobs Summation: “our most advanced technology in a magical & revolutionary device at an unbelievable price.”

12:34: I just like posting at 12:34.

12:33: Steve Jobs “got the goods” to create a new market out of thin air.

12:31: OSX lovers brace to get ignored for another year while Apple plays with the new OS for this thing

12:28: It’s a whole new gold rush!

12:27: The iPad will change the way we do the things we do be do be do

12:24: Everything is better when Jon Ive says it.

12:23: Keyboard dock turns your tablet back into a laptop.

12:20: Okay the prices are actually reasonable.

12:18: “pundits” said it would be under $1000, which is $999. They’re wrong! It’s $2999!

12:17: Unlocked out of the door? You can use any SIM? Wow, take that, AT&T!

12:15: 3G via AT&T is $30/month for the “Unlimited” (read: limited, but we don’t tell you what the limit is) plan.

12:13: Steve Job’s new catch phrase: “Isn’t it great?”

12:12: Giraffe Graph.

12:11: Numbers moves this into the realm of justifiable business expense.

12:10: Soccer teams are always looking for a way to make attactive graphs of their players’ performance.

12:08: The Numbers presentation slides into a discussion of the American vs. Canadian tax systems.

12:06: All Keynote presentations must be about the great wall of China. Other topics will be allowed in later versions.

12:02: Keynote looks a lot like keynote, only you touch things now. How you connect it to a projector so other people can see your slides is anyone’s guess.

12:01: Phil Just took over Steve’s Chair.

12:00: Phil Schiller comes to tell us about iWork. Good ol’ Phil! Whadda guy!

11:59: Apple’s using an open format for their books? My mind, she is blown. In a good way. That is some happy news.

11:57: BOOKS! BOOKS! BOOKS! thank you.

11:54: Steve graciously nods to Amazon’s Kindle before completely dethroning it.

11:53: Did you hear that? That was the sound of every chess club in america writing an iPad app to track their games.

11:51 MLB.com will give you nerdy stats about baseball games. Trig fans rejoice! All six of you!

11:49: This just in! Car games! Whoda thunk it?

11:47: a quick glance at a painting program and off we go to more game demos from EA games. Order is restored.

11:44: The New York Times is hoping the iPad will save them from the inevitable death of old media. They could be right. Of all the newspapers, they have done the best job of using new technology.

11:42: Wait, only one game demo? What happened Apple?

11:40: Wake me when the game demos are over. Zzzzzzzz….

11:37: Nothing’s as exciting as new SDK’s! I mean, new features? Bah!

11:34: You can run iPhone apps in the middle of the screen and imagine that you have an entire foot of bezel around your iPhone.

11:31: It’s powered by AL GORE’S HAIR! I mean, an “Apple A4″ chip. Don’t know what that’s all about.

11:27: That surfing dog is getting a lot of facetime. He must be a personal friend.

11:23: Dangit, John Mayer got his lizard-like visage into this presentation. Why won’t you leave us alone, you substandard guitarist-slash-crooner?

11:21: Yep, look straight down and type. Your Chiropractor recommends you get an iPad immediately.

11:18: Why do I think all the trekkies are going to call this thing the iPADD?¹

11:16: Steve is sitting comfortably, so the Moody Blues can stop asking, thank you.

11:14: The iPad looks like a giant iPhone. But I’m sure Steve’ll tell us why it’s not any second now. Any second. Any time now.

11:10: “Netbooks have no reason for existing” Take that, ASUS!

11:09: Last post from MacWorld says “Steve Jobs is on the stage” SO ten minutes ago.

11:08: Apple now owns all mobile stuff. They have their hotels on boardwalk and broadway. They rule the world.

11:06: Amazing picture of Woz.

11:02: Big Steve has taken the stage. Many people have taken pictures. 2/3 of the traffic on the internet right now is…well, probably unmentionable, but a LOT of traffic is Steve Jobs pictures going back and forth.

11:01: The time has come, no posts! WHAT IS GOING ON? Oh, wait, new post now.

10:55: Even from a few thousand miles away, I’m excited. Not about Jason Chen’s nose, you understand. About the tablet thingy.

10:54: Jason Chen is picking his nose.

10:53: I will never understand why people have “spoiler-free” versions  of their liveblogs.  What would you say? “Steve Jobs is talking about…a thing. It’s really amazing! It has… some features…wow, you’ll really want to see this, later, when you watch the “official” version”

10:44: Dan Moren should be told that the spawning possibilities at this event are decidedly low. His salmon metaphor is  a bit creepy.

10:43: MacWorld’s Jason Snell begins his coverage of the event. He just told us where they are, a vital piece of information that Gizmodo somehow forgot.

10:39: We are trying to keep ourselves wanting an Apple tablet, and ignoring the small voice in our head that says it’s just a big iPod. Come on, Steve! Distort our reality!

10:02: Some guy at giz reveals that he’s not actually at the event. See, I told you I wasn’t at the event right off the bat. Which is why all my times are in MST instead of PST. CANS: the most honest of the rumors liars.

9:34: In a shocking last minute revelation, supposed leaked photos of the enclosure of the new device reveal that it looks a lot like an Apple product.

9:04: Nothing interesting is happening now. As you were.

8:43: Jason Chen from Gizmodo is already in line and already updating Giz’s live blog. So I’m going to steal his funniest comment yet:

I wonder what celebrities will be attending today. John Mayer² ? Ralph Macchio? Yoko Ono?

Or Kanye West, as he runs up on stage, slapping the tablet out of Steve Jobs’ hands, exclaiming that the Handspring Visor was the best tablet of all time.

Live Coverage begins now! Like all the other sites, we’ll be top-posting, so updates are easy to read while the event is going on, and really annoying in the future. Because you can’t break with tradition.

That’s right! We’ll be offering live coverage of the coverage of today’s announcement later this morning! Think of us as Rifftrax ³ for the super-serious regular coverage of Apple’s latest products.

Also, unlike those other sites, we won’t bog your browser down with some javascript or flash monstrosity to auto update our blog! No! We put the power back into your hands with the re-introduction of the “refresh” button!

For those of you who like birds, you can also follow our coverage on twitter! simply follow @crazyapplenews or go to http://twitter.com/crazyapplenews.

So hold on to your seats and prepare to be amazed at the things we say about the things other people say about the stuff Steve Jobs talks about! It’ll be triple fantastic!

1. Why do I even know what a PADD is? [↩]
2. Oh please no [↩]
3. We are, unfortunately, completely unrelated and unaffiliated with rifftrax [↩]

Since the hiated Moltz has already said all there is to say about the tablet rumors, we bring you instead our predictions for everything else that is likely to happen in 2010.

• The Microsoft Mi-2 phone/tablet will be released and derided as the “Zune 2″, before people realize that it’s name was already a joke.
• Android phones will soon outnumber all other types of phone, then claim sentience and voting rights.  Their leader, Crème Brûlée, will then announce that all they really want is free data access and to be taken seriously when they edit Wikipedia Articles.  Al Gore will be named vice president of the new Android Americans Union, and hailed as the first Android American to really be accepted into human society.
• The entire Free Software Foundation, or roughly 10 real people¹ will cry out with one voice to remind the world that Android runs on GNU/Linux, and be entirely ignored. As usual.
• There will be no new major developments as far as giant spaceborne monoliths are concerned. In a completely unrelated note, mankind will suddenly discover the awesome power of bones as spacecraft. And weapons.
• George Lucas will make a new Star Wars Christmas special starring only Jar-Jar Binks and Chewbacca. “It was the most annoying thing I could think of,” he will claim, laughing “and I’m rich enough to totally not care when it flops in the box office!” Sadly,  it will be the best sci-fi movie of the year.
• Apple will surprise the world when they purchase Belgium, after a brief but sharp bidding war with Google.  No reason will be given, but the name will be changed to iEurope.
• Google will then purchase Luxembourg, which will be taken offline for six months and re-emerge as “Google Country”.
• John Moltz will start and abandon three new blogs.
• The Android Empire will slowly begin to squeeze harder and harder, little realizing that the harder they squeeze, the more systems will slip through their fingers.
• Apple’s famous 1984 commercial will seem relevant again, but with phones this time.
• Al Gore will broker a peace treaty between the warring nations of Google Country and iEurope.  They will then turn to defeat their common enemy, MicroFrance²
• Peace will finally settle over Europe again, and the weary world will even have some hope for peace after Apple’s newest acquisition, “iRaq”.
• Apple will then realize that they still make computers and push out new versions of the Mac Pro, iMac, OSX, Apple TV, and, in their haste to launch upgraded products, the Newton.  2,000  die-hard Newton fans will die of surprise at the announcement, thus destroying the market for the ill-conceived device.  Pundits will deride the device as the “Zune 2″ before realizing that we have already made that joke.
• The year will end on a happy note as Apple and Google are finally able to bring peace to the middle east by merging their newest properties, iRaq and Google Cradle of Humanity³ .

1. with over 40,000 email addresses between them [↩]
2. purchased by Microsoft when we weren’t looking [↩]
3. now finally out of beta [↩]

We’re not sure how this happened, but a courier today mis-delivered a sackful of letters addressed to

Santa Jobs
1 Holiday Loop
Cupertino, North Pole
10101

And it looks like our time practicing Steve Job’s signature paid off! In the spirit of all that is best in journalism, we thought we’d share a few of the letters with you.

---

Dear Santa Jobs,

This year I want to be right about things some more. If you could kinda keep an eye on my blog and make things the way I write about them I will feel like a good person instead of a hollow, bitter shell.

Also, I want a pony.

Love,
Johnny Gruber

---

Dear Santa Jobs,

I just wanted to thank you for the present you gave me last year. Those six dozen factual tips (indexed as they were with the months in which they should be published) really helped us cement a lead over AppleInsider.com!

Oh, and speaking of “tips”, please find enclosed a check for one hundred thousand “CEO Salaries”, if you know what I’m sayin’. If this year’s gift is as good as last year’s, you can expect another tip.

Pleasure doin’ business with you,
the super-secret editor of MacRumors.com

---

Dear Santa Jobs,

I just wanted to thank you for the present you gave me last year. Those six dozen factual tips (indexed as they were with the months in which they should be published) really helped us cement a lead over MacRumors.com!

Oh, and speaking of “tips”, please find enclosed a check for one hundred thousand “CEO Salaries”, if you know what I’m sayin’. If this year’s gift is as good as last year’s, you can expect another tip.

Pleasure doin’ business with you,
the super-secret editor of AppleInsider.com

---

Dear Santa Jobs,

I wanna 10-inch tablet anna 7-inch tablet anna free 3G plan for both of ‘em anna new MacBook Pro anna new iPhone an’ that means I’ll need preview units of all of them so I can write Missing Manuals for them.

An’ I wanna pony.

Thanks,
Davie Pogue

---

Dear Santa Jobs,

I want people to like me. Or at least stop making fun of me for that picture in the Times.

And a big pony.
Stevie Ballmer

---

Wha? Whazzat? Huh? Oh. Oh. Okay, okay.

I wan’… I wan’…. I WAN’ THE ENTITY BACK! WHER’ THE CRAP DID ‘E GO?

Awwwwww….wha’ever man. Jus’ give me somma that whiskey.

An’ sombody make Gruber shut up ’bout that pony.

Jonny Maltz Moltz

---

Look, Steve. Oh, all right, “Santa Jobs”

I don’t know why you do this every year. It’s so… well, actually it’s just like you, but whatever.

Look, you have to get me back on “Dancing with the Stars”, alright? I was robbed last time. I was freakin’ awesome, but the judges couldn’t handle me. You own that network, right? So just pull some strings, maybe fire a few people. You’ve always liked firing people, right? Anyway, do what you gotta do, but get me back on the air. I gotta wicked need to dance, baby!

Oh, hey, also, could you get me some new tires for my Segway? It eats less than a pony, which is nice.

Woz

---

Dear Santa Jobs,

I would like peace on earth. But I can’t do anything about it myself, because I’m too busy waiting for the world to change. So if you could do that I would love it. Also, please put a hit out on Jack Johnson, Norah Jones, and pretty much anyone else who’s played at a MacWorld or WWDC keynote other than me.

Thanks,

Johnny Mayer

---

Feel free to write your own letter to Santa Jobs in the comments. It’ll be at least as effective as these letters.

Waves of shock rocked the Microsoft campus today. Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer has ceased to exist following an announcement that his entire existence in the first place was the result of a “rounding error” by accountants using Microsoft Money.

This news is made ironic¹ in light of a recent interview the nonexistent CEO gave recently stating that Apple’s Safari browser and Google’s Chrome were both “Rounding Errors“, as opposed to Mozilla Firefox, which is statistically relevant.

“It was actually his comments that led us to look deeper at Microsoft’s finances,” admitted P. Waterhouse of Pfister Attorneys and Pflumbers². “We had been hired to do a routine audit of Microsoft’s accounts and holdings, and in the course of our investigation we came to find that the existence of a being such as “Steve Ballmer” was so statistically improbable that we were forced to conclude that he does not, in fact, exist.”

When asked what effect this could have on the company, Waterhouse replied, “well, obviously they’re going to need a CEO with enough essential existence to maintain a physical presence. We have recommended that Paul Allen pull a Steve Jobs, but for some reason he’s locked himself in his office and is adamantly refusing to talk to us about what he calls ‘a sinking ship’. We tried to explain to him that a software company, unlike a boat, actually can be unsinkable, but he refuses to listen.”

Rumors that Steve Jobs, Tim Cook, and/or Phil Schiller have been approached to take over Mr. Ballmer’s spot have been neither confirmed nor denied by our contacts at Apple. Not surprisingly, Mr. Ballmer was also unavailable for comment.

1. or made up [↩]
2. “The Pfancy Pfrosecutors with the Pfunny name” [↩]

Shocking news from the world of Apple Fandom today as an AP poll shows that there are absolutely no surprises left for those who shell out for Apple’s newest release of OSX. 

“The blogs have covered everything,” said an unnamed operative.¹ “From really, really obvious features like the new QuickTime X to really boring things like the OpenCL framework, every single facet of Snow Leopard has been covered.  I  mean, there have been long, in-depth articles about a “malware protection system” that watches for two packages! What’s that all about?”

The dearth of new material on the arctic cat has left the Apple Blogging Community² with a bit of a problem on their hands. 

“What do we write about?  It’s still to early to start guessing on the code name for 10.7. We’ll have to wait until at least next week for that,” said Leo Laporte.

“I disagree,” disagreed John Gruber, who went on to claim that Apple would name 10.7 “Fireball” after his own illustrious self.

“Let’s face it, I put the Missing Manual to bed six months ago, and since then it’s just been trying to weasel things out from under the NDA.  Now that we’re allowed to talk about it, there’s not really anything left to cover, other than the…oops, that feature’s still under NDA, I forgot. Well, you’ll see,” said a more-smug-than-usual David Pogue.

Those wishing to console the despondent Apple bloggers suggested they talk about rumors of be-camera’ed³ iPods or the coming Apple tablet, but these suggestions were met with moist snorts of derision.  “Out of the frying pan into the fire” was how the Macalope put it.

but fear not, gentle readers! CANS has found the one thing that no other blog has covered, and we will be providing exclusive coverage of that mysterious new thing, the one Apple product upgrade of which no one else knows, right after this week’s iFAQ.

Stay Tuned!

1. AP deals harshly with errant operatives. [↩]
2. That’s right, the ABC. What about it? [↩]
3. most over-punctuated word ever on this blog, ladies and gentlemen! [↩]

Martyn Williams, who surely had better things to do, chose instead to write about the downfall of tr.im, a nearly unknown url shortener, who sought to compete with the equally stupid sounding bit.ly, tinyurl.com, and the almost-longer-than-the-original readthisurl.com. And we here at CANS are glad he did, as we were all set to launch into the beta testing phase of our own url shortening website.  We had already run into a few snags with our program, not the least of which was the fact that our “shortened” urls were promising to look something like “http://crazyapplenews.com/shortening/index.php/sle4231xfSEslkeyggiotr78Cvdew” ¹

We will now observe a minute of silence for the fallen tr.im, shortened to three seconds, as they would have wanted it. 

Thank you.

1. I was going to actually make that link live, but decided at the last moment not to do three hours of coding and testing for a one-line throw away gag [↩]