Crazy Apple News Site

With Apple’s official announcement that they do remember how to make desktop operating systems the gate has been opened for rampant speculation. We here at CANS have never been above such things, and we see no reason to pretend we are now. Here, then, is our feature list for what looks to be OSX 10.7 “Lion”¹ :

• Apple finally breaks down and puts Blu-Ray into the Mac. Yeah, that’s too crazy even for us.
• Five, count ‘em five new wallpapers!
• Building on the success of the iOS ecosystem, Apple will limit you to seven screens’ worth of apps on your Mac. “How many word processors do you actually need? Steve Jobs will explain.²
• Apple will announce a new MacBook Air. It will have a touch screen and a detachable keyboard. Critics who point out that it looks a lot like an iPad and keyboard set bundled into one box will never be heard from again.
• Lion will have a new 3D interface that utilizes a living room motif. The Sign-in screen will be the front door, your office apps would be on a desk, your games on a shelf, your movies in an entertainment center, etc. It’ll be high-tech and awesome and everyone will love it. Critics who point out that it’s just an updated version of Microsoft Bob will never be heard from again.
• Apple will stop supporting Adobe Flash on the desktop. “Oh, we have the technology,” Jony Ive will say. “We just like to tweak Adobe every now and again. Besides, who even needs Flash, now that Homestar Runner isn’t updating any more?”

The possibilities are endless³ ! Have a guess? Shout it out loud and proud in the comments.

1. Might not actually be called “Lion”, but come on. Look at the freakin’ picture. What else are they gonna call it? [↩]
2. Steve Jobs is perfectly capable of explaining in the form of a question. [↩]
3. I’m guessing; I could apparently only think of six. [↩]

In this quiet period between the annual music event and the holiday season, Apple’s looking for a way to stay in the headlines, as evidenced by the following job posting:

Wanted: Philandering Executive

Candidate must be good at self-promotion and scandal management. Must be able to attract media attention without attaching shame to Apple. Good people skills a must. Please include a mug shot (yours) and a head shot (scandalous partner).

Neither Apple nor Bill Clinton were available for comment.

In the wake of yesterday’s Apple music event, tech critics are struggling to find bad things to say about Apple’s complete redesign of their media consumption devices.¹

“Man, the new iPod Touch? What’s that all about? It’s just an iPhone without the phone, man. Just a really fast gaming device. Just an awesome display for your emails, books, music, and video. Like I would want that! Whatever!” said Isaac N., noted Apple critic.

“Yeah, and that touch screen nano? How am I supposed to read a book on that screen? It’s way too small!” he continued. When informed that the new nano doesn’t display books, but just plays music, he had a hard time with that as well. “Oh great! So now I Can’t read books either! Useless, I tell you! Useless!”

Critics were equally hard pressed to find fault with the new Apple TV.

“Well, sure it’s only $99, and yeah, I guess streaming from any computer in your house, or the internet, or Netflix is kinda cool, but what about…erm…what about…penguins? Yeah! What about set top penguins?” Asked John Cleese, although we’re pretty sure he was joking.

Apple was unavailable to answer his penguin-related questions.

Meanwhile, actual human beings are reported as being interested in (if not excited by) the changes Apple made to the iPod lineup. The “excited” part will come when they get a new iPod during the winter gift-giving holidays.

1. We’ll talk about iTunes 10 tomorrow [↩]

Apple has sent out announcements for an event happening Wednesday, September 1st. It’s got a guitar with an Apple-logo hole in it, it’s happening at the right time to be a music based event. You know what that means, kids: It’s time to make some predictions of the sort that would make Nostradomus say, “whoa, dude, let’s bring it back to reality, there.”

Not for us the predictions of a new Apple TV, or the demise of the once-glorious iPod Classic. No, we seek wilder, weirder skies than these. This, then, is our ten least likely predictions.

1. Fat.
   Nano.
   Touch.
2. The whole event is actually being held because Steve Jobs is tired of the terrible music people are making in GarageBand, will be spent with him at an iMac, writing an elaborate ballad in his favorite loop based music creation program. It will instantly shoot to the top of the iTunes charts and stay there by force for two years.
3. The event will be a retrospective, looking back at all the special musical guests Apple has had grace the stage over the past few years of keynotes and “special events”. Randy Newman, Norah Jones, John Mayer and Bono will all be in attendance, and the highlight will be a four-way rap battle between them. Norah Jones will make John Mayer cry, and will receive a standing ovation. As well she should.
4. Apple will finally make the iGuitar. The picture on the invite is the real device. It will have no USB ports, no plugin, and will only work with Apple-branded Bluetooth amps.
5. The Apple TV and iPod Classic will join forces and merge into a super-device in an attempt to remain relevant in this world of multi-touch screens and flash memory. Unfortunately, the new device will be no more intelligible or user-friendly than the two old devices¹ . It will, however, make John Mayer cry, and receive a standing ovation.
6. Look forward to seeing Jony Ive covered in a new Liquidmetal skin, resplendent and transcendent, as he takes the stage to explain how he has finally found a way to make the human body entire into a perfect wi-fi and 3G antenna.
7. Sick and tired of all the controversy and hype, Apple, Inc. will announce that they just out and out purchased Apple Corps, and have fired Yoko Ono.
   
   Out of a cannon.
   
   All Beatles songs will be available on iTunes. For free. When asked about this bold new pricing plan, Jobs will reply “take that, Ringo!”
8. iPhone 5 will be announced, with an emphasis on music production. Garage Band for iPhone and iPad will be released by the end of the week.
9. This probably won’t happen, but it would rock: Apple puts someone with an attention span of more than 30 seconds in charge of MacHeist III, because the current people are “making the Apple community look bad.”
10. OSX 10.7 will be announced. Code name: Coltrane. When questioned about the shift, bad jokes will be made about ‘Trane being a “cool cat”.²

1. Can you believe we used to think that click wheels were a good way to browse huge libraries of music? Ugh. [↩]
2. Look, you try coming up with 10 jokes about a guitar with a  Apple-shaped hole. They’re not all going to be good. Or even any of them. [↩]

Following their announcement that they are poised to release a tablet that’s better than the iPad, LG further announced that they would be releasing some other world shattering devices:

• A new car that’s better than a BMW
• A house that’s more beautiful than Fallingwater
• A steak that tastes better than a perfectly-prepared fillet mignon
• A supercomputer that’s better than whatever it is Cray and IBM are releasing these days.

These products can be viewed as major departures from LG’s usual line of low end radios and lightbulbs, or Costco-special LCD televisions. We asked them about this.

“The problem with all these other things is that they don’t allow for content creation.¹

Well, supercomputers do, but nobody uses them for that. They just do protein simulations and play killer games of StarCraft II. But that’s not the point.

The point is that, in each of these fields, we will introduce devices that allow the user to be a creator as well as a consumer. I mean, sure, Fallingwater is a good house, but what if you need to, I don’t know, whomp up a 3D movie? The house is totally not designed to accommodate you. Sure you can try to make a movie in the house with, like, a Mac Pro or something, but the house doesn’t really lend itself to your endeavors. Our new house, car, steak, and computer will all specifically aid in content creation.”

LG’s spokesperson declined to elucidate, which is probably for the best. Especially in the whole “steak” arena.

“Look forward to car like devices that will not only get you where you’re going, but allow you to write a novel while you’re doing it. Or maybe a spreadsheet, if you’re a business type. I don’t care. Right now it’s a Dodge Neon with an iPad glued to the dashboard, but that’s just the prototype.” The spokesperson said, followed by “oh, don’t put that in.”

We put it in.

1. Apparently they completely ignored our qustion. [↩]

Apple now has the exclusive right to use the new Liquidmetal alloy-thing for electronical type communication devices and whatnot. Everyone make the Terminator jokes now. I’ll wait here.

Thank you.

Now, that done, here are some things we hope John Ive does with this new, insanely useful metal:

• Actually Build EVE from Wall*E
• Actually build Wall*E from Wall*E
• Mac Wars Episode VI: RETURN OF THE CUBE
• Shiny-backed iPhones That don’t pick up millions of fingerprints (because it’s magic!)
• Newer, more powerful Phil Schiller
  • For that matter, it’s about time to redo The Woz. The current model is getting kinda ragged.
• bullet-proof mock turtlenecks
• Liquid. Metal. Ponies.
• Summer Glau 2.0: Don’t call her “Autumn”

Well, we’ve wandered a bit from our main point. Here’s to Jony Ive and his shiny new toy. We look forward to the next coolest thing in industrial design.

We here at CANS are saddened at the loss of Mark Papermaster, recently axed VP of device hardware engineering. Instead of pointing at all the “i-word” possible reasons for him being axed, we thought we would instead take a look back at all the highlights of his time at Apple. Mark, this is for you.

Mark Papermaster Joins Apple

Apple® today announced that Mark Papermaster is joining the Company as senior vice president of Devices Hardware Engineering, reporting to Apple CEO Steve Jobs.

Mark Papermaster Leaves Apple

According to sources who spoke with The Wall Street Journal, Papermaster’s departure came as a result of a “falling out” with Jobs. How much the iPhone 4 antenna controversy played a part in his exit was said to be “unclear,” as those anonymous sources said the departure was chiefly a result of “cultural incompatibility.”

Ummm…yeah. that’s pretty much all we knew about Mr. Papermaster, except for the fact that he had an awesome name. Well, anyway, he’s gone. And so it goes.

Here’s why.

This is probably the best excuse I’ll ever have.

This is just to let you know that we are officially taking a break until this whole iPhone 4 thing blows over.¹
Because frankly, we’re tired of it. The only Apple news on the block is the iPhone 4. No new macs, no new iPods/iPads, or updates to OSX or any of the other stuff that is actually interesting or any fun. It’s all antennae and their problems, as far as the eye can see. It makes it hard to scrounge up material, especially if you’re as lazy as we are. It kinda goes like this:

8:02: “Well, I’ll see what’s out there about Apple. Something funny must be happening”

8:03: “Hmmm, Pogue thinks the iPhone is good. No surprise. Gruber thinks people who don’t think the iPhone is good are bad. Yep. Yep.”

8:04 “Would ‘the iPhone: Will it kill your entire family?’ be a good article? Bleh, no! C|Net already did that one. Well, probably. It sounds like something they would do.”

8:06 “Maybe I could start a ‘Crazy Windows News Site…wait, that’s Paul Therrot’s site. Too bad.”

8:07 “Maybe I should go into something less crazy.”

And that’s no way to run a humor site. So I will start writing funny things about things when something funny starts happening. Thank you very much.

1. the past few weeks have been an unofficial break [↩]

The FCC, CIA, and FDA have started a joint investigation into the design of Apple’s latest update to the Mac Mini.
“We are concerned that the elegance and beauty of the new Mac Mini will influence the way people watch TV, as it will almost invariably be added to entertainment centers around the world.” said an FCC representative. “I mean, that thing can store every episode of LOST in HD, which is bad for reruns.”

“We are worried that the new unibody enclosure of the Mac Mini will affect people much like a drug, forcing people to buy more and more Minis until they can buy nothing else,” wrote the FDA. “We haven’t stopped thinking about it since it was announced.”

“We jumped in because there’s not a whole lot to do these days, what with the FBI taking over pretty much all of our work,” Said the CIA¹ .

Here at CANS we are trying to save up enough pennies to conduct our own research into the effects of the new Mac Mini’s HDMI port on our 23″ monitor that is currently connected to a loathsome Dell laptop. We estimate we will have the required number of pennies (70,000) by the middle of 2014.

1. At least, that’s what they want you to think… [↩]