Crazy Apple News Site

Subpoenas filled the air as Tim Cook, Phil Schiller, and the other Apple Execs entered the room where they had been summoned.

Oh! May they all be acquitted,
Then brought up again, and acquitted! Oh! May they all be sued and acquitted,
Till we’re all too rich to move!

A bevy of lawyers sang as they entered the room.¹
“Gentlemen, welcome to the ‘We love Apple’ celebration! The Bar Association does hereby bestow upon Apple, Inc. The Golden Tort, and names Apple one of the best companies in America to sue, defend, or defend against!” said the Head Council², “Through Apple, their endless pursuit of creativity and the streams of people looking to get their piece of Apple’s pie, we have all seen countless new clients, new cases, and new ways to purchase BMW coupes. Thank you, gentlemen, thank you.”
At this a round of huzzahs went up, and the party began. Tim Cook accepted the Golden Tort, saying that he knew justice would be served, and he hoped dinner would too, Phil Schiller asked the head of Microsoft Legal if he was ready to play for the winning team yet, and everything was going fine until the back door swung open and a dark, skinny shadow entered.
“Stop!” roared Steve Jobs, for it was he. “I can’t believe this! Look at yourselves! Celebrating the endless, mindless, useless pack of halfwits claiming that their iPod exploded or violates their patent! How could you throw such a party… Without inviting me! Let’s get down!”
Another round of huzzahs echoed through the rafters and the entire group formed a conga line. Tomrrow there would be requests for clarification, and allegations, and obscure patents would be found, tested, and claimed to show that small businesses were years ahead of Apple in interface design, but for now, on this night, they had the dance.

1. like a murder of crows, any group of three or more lawyers not currently suing one another is referred to as a ” bevy” [↩]
2. lawyer equivalent of an MC [↩]

The brand new, button-free iPod Shuffles were announced just yesterday, and already a bug has been found.

“So, you like, you like that Ricky Martin, do you? Yeah, he’s pretty stylin’, isn’t he? Pretty hot. Myself, I prefer something more mellow. Something like Marvin Gaye. Should I put some Marvin Gaye on for us to listen to?” One user reported his Shuffle to say to him during a skiing trip.

“I like knowing what song I’m listening to, but this is kinda creepy,” said Edward S. of Newport Oregon. “I didn’t even have any Marvin Gaye in my iTunes library. Now suddenly I’m listening to ‘Let’s Get It On’ in every playlist.”

Other users have reported that the new shuffle talks about sports, The latest movies, and even politics.

“I read on the BBC that President Obama favors Merit-based compensation for teachers. Myself, I prefer a more…” said one person’s shuffle in the middle of their John Meyer playlist. “Apparently when it heard the song ‘Waiting On The World To Change’ it decided I wanted to talk about changing the world.” the befuddled owner said.¹

Apple has acknowldeged that some of the new iPod Shuffles have developed what they are calling the “iThink syndrome: A condition affecting less than 10% of new Shuffles, where the iPod shuffle develops it’s own personality and opinions about your music library.”

“Actually, pretty much all iPods do this, ever since we added the genius feature,” remarked an Apple employee who asked to remain nameless.² “The new Shuffle is the first iPod that’s actually been encouraged to talk over your music, and it does so. Other iPods just pick their own favorite songs and play those more often when you shuffle your library.” I asked if this is what was causing my iPod to play “Roam” by the B-52′s in every “Genius” playlist, but she just said, “Why do you even have that song?”

A patch for iThink is expected in the next few weeks.

1. Anyone listening to John Meyer voluntarily is definitely befuddled. [↩]
2. Not from us. They actually asked their parents not to give them a name. Great idea for a short story; not particularly relevant here. [↩]

Perhaps it was the work of an Albert Einstein-style patent clerk, but Apple got more than they bargained for when their latest patent was approved.

“When we filed the patent for multi-touch interfaces, it was necessary to demonstrate the method used to register multiple touches on the device,” says Scott Forstall, SVP of iPhone Software at Apple. “So we had to include an image of a human finger. We didn’t realize the, ah, inherent opportunities in doing so.”

“Patent is hereby granted to Apple, Inc. on all items appearing in all images in the patent filing,” is the wording used by the United States Patent Office.  The problem is image 4: a picture of a standard human finger.

“This definitely grants Apple patent rights on human fingers,” says John Gruber, because that’s the kind of Gruber he is.  “I for one stand ready to pay full license fees, yearly if needed, to keep using my fingers to their fullest extent.”

Fortunately that may not be needed. “While we are not sure that you can patent a naturally occurring item like a finger¹ we would like to assure the public that we will not be seeking universal licensing on human fingers,” says Tim Cook, Acting CEO of Apple.  “However, that doesn’t mean we won’t be seeking license fees from, well, we’ll call them special interest groups.  For example, We will definitely be ‘vigorously defending’ this patent from Microsoft. Microsoft execs all owe us $3.4 million for use of their digits.”

Not surprisingly, Palm has filed a patent on the rest of your hand.

1. you can’t. In my mind software patents are still legally questionable.  But that’s another story.  For another class. That I finished before I got my B.S. [↩]

CANS would like to wish Steve Jobs a speedy recovery and good health in the future. We’re sure that Tim Cook will do fine until you get back.

Get well soon.

As Moscone West is abandoned, the booths all closed up and sample products all re-packaged to be resold as “refurbished”¹, there’s a feeling of melancholy in the air. In part this is caused by the uncertainty surrounding Macworld Expo’s future without Apple, and in part it’s caused by Apple’s parting shot at all the Apple pundits.

Crazy Apple News Site presents:

Ponies for Pundits²

It looked too good to be true. Tucked away in a corner of Apple’s booth on the display floor was a sign that said:

Ponies for Pundits!
As a “thank you” to the faithful Apple watchdogs, rumor sites, and new media faithful,
Apple has purchased a special pony for each and every Apple pundit.
You’ve done so much for us,
Now we want to give something back.

“I wasn’t sure if I could believe it,” said Leo Laporte. “But there was a nice lady next to the sign who said, ‘Mr. Laporte, right?’ I nodded and she looked on a list on a clipboard. ‘We have you down for a nice roan stallion. Can I get you to fill out a form with a few details we need for delivery?’ Well of course I said yes. I figured that if it was some kind of joke then no harm done, but if it was real, then I would have my very own stallion that I could raise from a pony and ride around on all the time. If I’d known what was really coming, I don’t think I would have been so excited.”

And Leo wasn’t the only one. Through our excellent network of Ruby Ninja spies³ we were able to get a photo of a portion of the list. Some pony-pundit pairs (PPP’s) include:
Andy Ihnatko: Lipizzaner Stallion (Because they’re both hard to spell.)
John Gruber: Night-Black Mare (Useful for terrorizing PC users.)
David Pogue: NYC Police Horse (Faster than taking the subway!)
Douglas Adams: the ghost of a Clydesdale (Sure he’s dead, but so is the horse. And Douglas deserves something.)
John Moltz: Shetland Pony (Not sure why…)

And so forth. Not all of the pundits on the list went to claim their new pony, but many did. They were told they would receive shipment “within the week” and dozens of rumors site operators and Apple faithful wrote ebullient reviews of the moderately tepid Apple products that were released during the Expo.

Then, a few days later, a truck pulled up to the house, mansion, apartment or villa of each pundit. These trucks were matte gray with nothing but an Apple logo on the side. A driver got out of each truck and went to the door. David Pogue shares his experience:

The driver came to the door and asked if I would sign for a delivery. I said yes, of course, and signed the form. The driver then brought a box to my door, which is odd, because I wouldn’t expect a pony to come in a box. Still, this is Apple we’re talking about, and they do some pretty amazing things with packaging. The box was about three feet square, so I figured it must just be some pony supplies. The driver headed back to the truck and I figured he was going to get the actual pony. Instead he just drove away. I was confused, but I decided to take the huge box in the house and see what it contained.

I got the box open, and instead of chaps and a cowboy hat, there was a one foot tall statue. It’s a beautiful representation of a Police horse in mid-stride. I have it in my office.

Disappointed? Yeah, I was a bit. But now I see that what Apple really gave me is far better than what I was hoping for. And maybe that’s a metaphor for the new versions of iWork and iLife…”

At this point he went off on a 30-minute sermon and we tuned him out.

Other pundits, however, were not so pleased with the gift. “I…I…I wanna wanna ponnnnnyyyyyyyy!” was all we could get out of John Gruber as he thrashed and pounded on the floor and kicked his feet like a spoiled three year old. But it seems that the pony statues have hidden powers that Mr. Pogue, as a respectable New York Times journalist, didn’t discover.⁴
Nicholas Ciarelli shares his experiences:

It looks like a normal statue, until I access the internet. Somehow it’s connected to my iMac, my iPhone, and my MacBook, and whenever I try to access AppleInsider or any other rumors site, all I get is a picture of my horse statue and the words “why do you lie?” If I’m in the same room the statue’s eyes flash and it whinnies at me. That thing is seriously creepy. I’d get rid of it, except, you know, it’s an Apple product, and it’s one of a kind.

Yes, it seems that the Ponies for Pundits are not a new, primitive mode of transportation for largely over-fed new media stars. Instead, they are a wi-fi conscience, ensuring better behavior from those that would detract from Apple’s glory. ⁵

Other rumors sites operators report similar results. For a while they played with calling Apple’s CEO “The Stevefather” but it really didn’t catch on.

As for us here at CANS HQ, we quite like our pony statue, and we can with unsullied conscience continue our high-quality reporting. ⁶

1. three “re”s in one clause! [↩]
2. like the “cold start”? Cinematic effects in blog posts are a sign of fine literature. [↩]
3. they’re only twelve lines of code tall, because Ruby methods are short and agile. [↩]
4. Mr. Gruber may or may not have discovered them. It’s hard to tell, really. [↩]
5. Rumor has it that Mr. Ballmer also got a statue, but we haven’t heard what it looked like. Or what it does… [↩]
6. Note from the Androids: it’s not a pony statue. He took one of his sons’ toy horses and propped it up by his iMac. [↩]

Many people were disappointed with the “startling” new revelations made at Macworld Expo yesterday, feeling that Phil Schiller, in addition to being forced to try to be Steve and forced to shut down Apple’s presence at Macworld, was also given a list of sub-par product announcements with which to do so, and that Apple shouldn’t be letting things slide like this.

But these people missed what was really going on.

It should have been obvious: MacHeist 3 started the same day that Macworld Keynotes effectively ended. This in itself was the first clue. If you then took every third word that Phil said during the first ten minutes of the keynote¹, then took the third letter of each of those words, you got the name of a website where you could download a program that would allow you to view the world in blue by using the iSight Camera in your laptop. Using this blue filter you could print out a copy of the text on the third forum page of comments on the Apple support site about replacing laptop batteries (see where this is going?) which would give you a link to a site that is disguised as a blog of a third grade teacher who comments that she isn’t aware of any new developments in school paste flavorings, but that she would be open to suggestions…

Look, it’s all very convoluted and MacHeisty. The point is, at the end of the trail you download an encrypted DMG file, and using the password “newBalance” you get a QuickTime movie of Steve Jobs in all his Mock Turtlenecked glory, standing on a stage in front of an empty Moscone West auditorium.

“MacHeisters, Welcome,” Steve begins, looking–for once–directly at the camera. “I know that you are wondering why I’m doing this, and why I pretty much hung Phil out to dry at the Macworld Keynote. You would no doubt like to know why I’m working with MacHeist to announce new products, instead of using more traditional channels.

“The reason for this is the rumor sites. They’ve been a little too sure of themselves for a little too long. Sure, most of them missed the new iLife thing, but let’s face it, that was small potatoes. As you watch this there’s a bunch of rumors site editors on the show floor at MacWorld, trying to act excited about yet another stupid-big MacBook Pro and some updates to iLife and iWork. Soon they’ll be heading back to their hotels, wondering how many double martinis they can charge to their expense accounts while pretending to be Tony Bennett. So they’re out of the way. Now I can tell you what Apple is really up to.”

Steve then clears his throat a little, and continues. “One: new minis: yes. The mac mini is an important part of the Mac lineup, and will move forward. Two: an Apple Tablet: yes, but not until after Snow Leopard. There is a good reason we are working on slimming down OSX and making all the technologies involved work more smoothly with less power. Three: iPhone nanos: no. Some little punk site already broke the real story on the so-called nanos, so go find that if you want to know what’s up there.

“And one more thing: a mid-size Apple Tower: Yes. The Mac Home will be a monitor-less Mac with expansion capabilities much like a Mac Pro, but aimed at advanced home users. Removing the monitor and using standard components will allow us to price the Mac Home roughly $300 lower than a comparable iMac, making the Mac Home an attractive option to PC switchers.

“Okay, now you know what’s up, agents. Your duty is to go out and loudly deride the rumors sites for missing such obvious announcements when they are made over the next few days. Oh, and solve all the other MacHeist missions that come your way. Seriously, the fate of the apple world relies on your ability to… oh, just go get some free software. Be well.”

With that the screen fades to black.

1. Three words for MH3, ten minutes for 10 years of Stevenotes [↩]

News of a newer, smaller iPhone have been circulating on the web for what, days now.  So we here at CANS decided to do some undercover work to see what we could find out about our favorite trendsetting company’s plans to further revolutionize telecommunications.

Donning our best Steve Wozniak costume¹ we penetrated the outer defenses of the Apple Compound and were able to get to the inner sanctum. Well, the inner waiting room.  We made it past the secretary’s desk, anyway.

What was more surprising was that someone official actually decided to talk to us. In this case it was Scott Forestall, who is no less than SVP of iPhone software, and somewhat miffed that Schiller is speaking at Macworld instead of him.

“I mean, if Steve is gonna blow off the Mac community he should at least let me talk to the iPhone community,” Forestall whined.  “I could really connect with the people, but no, they’ll send Schiller because He’s Steve’s favorite.”

This went on for several more minutes.  After many ones of dollars and some carefully worded compliments² and sublte, indirect questions³ I was able to get him to admit the truth about the photos we’ve all seen on those disreputable rumors sites.

“No, those aren’t cheap knockoffs, like you think.  Oh, we’ve tried to play up that rumor, but really there’s no substance to it.  And they aren’t iPhone nanos, either. At least, not in the way you would think of it.

“You see, the iPhone is a triumph, a symbiosis of art and science; it’s a joining between phone, iPod and PDA.  But it’s more than that.  You can’t create something as perfect as the iPhone.  For that matter, you can’t manufacture them, either.  The truth is, iPhones are grown.”

We asked about this, being frankly stunned.  I mean, this sort of thing is plausible in Douglas Adams books, but not here in the real world, or even the internet.

“Each iPhone is grown on specially modified trees in China, where rules about genetic manipulation are less strict, and you can shoot trespassers, I mean, it’s easier to dissuade trespassers.  Anyway, the trees are normal Apple trees with some specific modifications made to their DNA, so that instead of apples they grow Apples, if you know what I mean.  And the iPhone nanos you’ve been seeing online are, well, under ripe specimens.”

“Like any fruit there are iPhones that don’t quite reach maturity before falling off the tree. They aren’t as good as fully ripe models; the interface is weaker and harder to use, the casing is flimsier, they just aren’t up to Apple’s standards. We do our best to recycle these “green” iPhones, but sometimes people sneak them off the farm before we can get to them.”

At this point the real Woz showed up and I had to get out of the building fast, but I was amazed at the sincerity in Mr. Forestall’s voice, and believe that we here at CANS have finally “scooped” the so-called “big boys” of the Apple news world, and have brought you the real truth, instead of some half-baked rumors.  I for one believe his story. After all, how likely is it that some cheap Taiwanese knock-off artist could make such exact copies of the iPhone in miniature?

1. which is identical to our best George Lucas costume, except for the Segway [↩]
2. “Scott, everyone knows you’re the hippest of Apple’s  SVP’s.” [↩]
3. “Hang on, my G1 is ringing. Man this thing is huge. Say, you aren’t planning on releasing a really small version of the iPhone are you?” [↩]

Some rejected drafts:

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, ‘cept me, with my mouse.
The comments were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of free software danced in their heads.¹

And Moltz in his kerchief, and Pogue in his cap, had just settled their brains for a long winter’s nap

[something about Steve Jobs in a sleigh.]

No.

Santa’s iPhone:

News today of an unexpected user of the iPhone’s GPS technology has deeply disheartened the Android mob, which is a bunch of robots anyway, so what are they even doing with hearts in the first place?
“I just like how easy it is to use,” said Saint Nick, in a phone interview December 23. “I put in the kids’ names and their addresses are pulled up on the map, and I can see how close I am to them. I mean, I’m sure the G1 is nice and all, but this is where it’s at.”

Huh-uh.

Christmas in the Apple Boardroom

Steve: C’mon, Phil, what’s wrong?
Phil: I’m afraid all the zealots will be mean to me. I can never be as insanely great as you, Steve.
Steve: That’s true. But you can still think different! And your difference can never be copied by anyone else. In fact, the other directors and I have written a little song to help you out! Ready guys?
Directors: [Half-hearted mumbling, someone says, "can't I go home to my family yet?"]
Steve: Great! Hit it, Al!

Nope.

Deep in the Matrix-colored recesses of his Ballmer-Cave, the virus creator has brought forth his most devious weapon yet: a malicious Excel Macro! Unfortunately, it only works on PC’s with no antivirus running windows 98 or older. But it’s a step.

Ugh.

Okay, I got nothin’.  Whatever holiday you celebrate this time of year, even if it’s only a few days off work, I hope  you have a happy one and wish you an insanely great²  new year.

-Nate

(And the Ruby Ninja Androids)

1. coincidentally, I once tried to write a Linux version of this when I was a huge Open Source geek.  It didn’t get much farther than this. [↩]
2. I know Apple abandoned that slogan years ago. But I’ve only been a mac user for a few years and have to work off the backlog. [↩]

So, ol’ Moltz is coming out of retirement for the Macworld Keynote, is he? Okay, I’ve been around a while. I got some chops. I got… about four followers. Whatever. It’s on. Me and Moltz, man to man, whoever writes the best coverage wins.

I should probably go buy my “thanks for beating me” card now.

Hey all,
Macheist season is back again, and they’re kicking it off with the giving tree! If you don’t have a Macheist account yet, and wouldn’t mind having one, let me know and I’ll send you an invite. It gets you some free software and it gets me a little free software as well.