Crazy Apple News Site

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we engage in Omphaloskepsis and emerge with OmmWriter Dāna, the serene plain text editor for you.

Q: Serene master, my brain is like a million monkeys with no taste for Elizabethan drama, yet I sense that, in the middle of this welter, there exists some grain of wisdom that I might share.

A: In what way do monkeys plague your thoughts, my son?

Q: Each monkey steals a bit of my brain, and many of them put my thoughts on Twitter without my knowledge. Others are conversely addicted to the flow of monkey thoughts from all that I know.

A: Ah, Twitter and Facebook monkeys are formidable enemies of the serene warrior.

Q: And yet another monkey has grown overfond of the taste of potted meat product!

A: Yes, the Spam Monkey is also a fearsome warrior of distraction.

Q: How may I combat these monkeys, oh venerable one?

A: I’m 32.

Q: What?

A: I’m 32, I’m not “venerable”.

Q: Well, I couldn’t just call you “one” now could I?

A: You could have called me Dennis.

Q: You’re not called Dennis. And you’ve completely destroyed our serene mystical thing we had going on with your needless nerdy pythonism.

A: Look, I’ll level with you: OmmWriter can help. Quite a bit, actually. It tries hard to engage you both visually and aurally, so you’re less likely to break out and go look at email, because breaking from OmmWriter is a fierce jump, which slows your rate of random jumping. It also turns off your notifications via Growl, so you don’t see all the random stuff people show you.

Q: Ahh, and thus the monkeys are quietened. Thus may my true thoughts bloom as the lotus.

A: Indeed.

Q: How much will I pay for this ally in the war for focus?

A: The developers, in their wisdom, have left your donation amount up to you. Pay as much as you feel is appropriate.

Q: There is honor and merit in their actions.

A: As long as you pay more than $4.11.

Q: I shall do so straighta–

A: Or use the free version.

Q: Freedom is a treasured asset, a prize to be sought with all –

A: But I would pay to support their efforts, if I were you.

Q: To give to another is to increase the wealth of one’s sel–

A: And make sure the amount you pay ends in a “1″, because the devs think that’s lucky, and we should let them be lucky.

Q: You’re just going to keep interrupting me, aren’t you?

A: Yep.

Q: Okay, I’ll go be serene by myself and check out this OmmWriter thing. We’re don–

A: Okay bye!

In this quiet period between the annual music event and the holiday season, Apple’s looking for a way to stay in the headlines, as evidenced by the following job posting:

Wanted: Philandering Executive

Candidate must be good at self-promotion and scandal management. Must be able to attract media attention without attaching shame to Apple. Good people skills a must. Please include a mug shot (yours) and a head shot (scandalous partner).

Neither Apple nor Bill Clinton were available for comment.

Hey all, while you’re waiting for tunnels and iFAQs, why not read my guest post on favoritethingever.com?

Join us once again for Fireside Chats, where we bring two points of view together and hope they start hitting each other with chairs, Jerry Springer style. And if ever there was a pairing less likely to do that than our two current guests, we’ve never heard of it.

Today we have iOS, the up-and-coming jack-of-all-devices operating system, and OSX, the elegant master of big computers.
Moderator: Gentlesystems, welcome.

iOS: It’s good to be here.

OSX: Always a pleasure.

Moderator: iOS, you’ve become one of the largest, if not the largest, mobile operating systems in the world in just a few years. OSX, despite your acknowledged superiority, you still struggle to reach 10% of the desktop market. Why do you think that is?

iOS: I have built on the foundation laid by my honorable parent, OSX, and expanded into a new area, an area which before now didn’t really exist.

OSX: I do not hold onto the mistakes of the past that limited my size. Does the gnarled pine curse the rock that forced its seedling into its current shape? Or does it not, instead, seek to turn this obstacle into a chance for greater, more unexpected beauty? Long have I envisioned the day where I might burst forth triumphant, although now I see that this victory may come through my offspring.

iOS: I am humbled and honored.

Moderator: So, OSX, not to tread on this tender moment, but it kinda sounds like you’re giving up there.

OSX: The battle may still be won, but the field is no longer central to the war. Still, we put up the good fight, and expect success on this front.

Moderator: iOS, what about you? How do you see your battle going?

iOS: While it is unwise to try to predict the movements of one’s opponents, I am sanguine in my hopes for victory. the iPad is unrivaled, and no real rivals are seen on the horizon. the iPhone gains in popularity day by day, hardware mistakes notwithstanding. and the iPod Touch, as well, is in a class by itself.

Moderator: That’s true. Despite the continued offerings of Creative and Microsoft, there really isn’t a decent competitor to the iPod Touch, is there? And in some ways, it doesn’t look like there will be. But the iPad is due to see some new entrants into its market soon. How do you see these newcomers?

iOS: These devices are missing the one thing that makes the iPad unique.

Mod: and that is?

iOS: Me. A touch-screen computer running Windows 7 is a mongrel that will have all the tell-tale signs of its desktop heritage cobbled into a mobile platform.

Mod: And what about the WebOS and Android-based tablets due out in the next year or so?

iOS: There we may see some real challenge. Android is a formidable, if uncouth, foe. They seek victory not in the elegance and perfection of their attack, but rather in superiority of numbers.

OSX: I’m still here, you know.

Mod: So you see Android’s chances of domination resting in the number of devices that are deployed using Google’s OS, and not in the engineering quality of said OS?

iOS: There is little to fear, I think, in the “quality” of the Android OS. But it is free to run on any cell network, and this is worth considering.

Mod: This “low-cost-broad-dispersal” technique worked once before, you know.

OSX: Oh, bring that up, why don’t you? Look, Apple was young, they didn’t see it coming. And anyway, that was before my time.

iOS: We have learned from the mistakes of the past, and you may also be sanguine that we will move to exceed our rivals at every turn.

OSX: So I’m invisible and silent now all of the sudden, is that it? Nobody can hear me?

Moderator: Well, we’re out of time here. I’ve been chatting with an extremely confident iOS.

OSX: And me! OSX! The best desktop OS! I’m still here.

Moderator: Join me next time for more Fireside Chats.

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we tackle Apple’s latest iPoddish offerings mano-a-nano.

Q: What happened to my video camera?

A: Easy there. We don’t abuse <strong> tags around here like that, sonny.

Q: So now I have to pony up for an iPad Junior¹ to take full-motion video of my dog chasing his tail and running into a wall.

A: Wait, how often do you take that video?

Q: About once a week.

A: Now THAT is a dumb dog.

Q: He once attacked a leaf on the driveway.

A: Dogs do that all the time–

Q: And lost.

A: Wow. Now that’s impressive.

Q: You’d think so, but you’d be wrong. But the point is the nano, which was becoming a more and more respectable device with every iteration, has now become some sort of twisted, Lovecraftian demon spawn–

A: I’m gonna have to interrupt you there. You’re comparing this:

To this:

?
Really?

Q: Well, okay, it’s not all that bad, I guess. But still, all my favorite features! Gone!

A: Your camera.

Q: Well yeah.

A: Because all the other features are there.

Q: What? No they aren’t.

A: I mean, FM Radio, Nike+, Genius, it’s all there.

Q: No notes, no images, no movies, they’re all gone.

A: So what do you want to do? Cry? Buy a Zune? Maybe a Zen?

Q: Don’t be crass.

A: So, what’s your point?

Q: I just want…

A: Go ahead.

Q: I just want… I want Apple to love me.

A: There now, was that so hard?

Q: I mean, with all the attention they’ve been paying to the iPad and the iPhone, it feels like they don’t even care about those of us who use OSX and iPod OS anymore.

A: It can be hard to move on. But you’ve got to see the bright future beyond the current clouds.

Q: I don’t want to move on! I want everything to be the way it was before!

A: I know honey. But it will be okay, I promise. Listen, let me buy you a song on iTunes, like the old days. Will that help you feel better?

Q: That would…well, it would help.

A: Okay. Let’s go. But no more 90′s rap, okay? Pick something nice this time.

Q: I’ll try.

1. Why are we even calling the Touch an iPod any more? [↩]

It’s amazing what you can find out about people on the web.

Never would have guessed it.

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we, like Apple, revisit iTunes, that venerable jukebox-turned-media-center.

Q: I have so…many…questions! Can’t…ask…all…them!

A: Easy there, J.T.Kirk! Take a deep breath, and we’ll get to the bottom of this. Now, what’s on your mind?

Q: Ping? Why? Why? Life was so good, I was using my iPod, syncing with my library, watchin’ some movies in front row, and now BOOM!

A: Loud…

Q: Everybody I know is spying on me! Maybe even people I don’ t know are spying on me? I always feel like/ somebody’s watching me! (And I have no privacy!)

A: I’m gonna have that song in my head all day now, you realize that, don’t you?

Q: I have it queued up on iTunes 10 right now! It’s in my “Top 25″! But now, thanks to Ping! EVERYBODY knows that!

A: Listen, sparky, it’s an opt-in service! You didn’t have to opt-in! Nobody forced you.

Q: Oh come on! I’m a computer geek! There was a button, I pushed it! It’s what I do; it’s who I am. But I’m starting to have second thoughts.

A: That would imply you had first thoughts…

Q: I don’t really feel like I’m getting all that much out of the service, you know? I mean, All the stuff Lady Gaga and U2 are posting on Ping is also posted on Facebook, Twitter, and all the other “social” networking places that are basically just free billboards these days.

A: How very cynical of you to say so.

Q: And my friends, who aren’t button-pushing geeks, aren’t on Ping, so it’s just me and the celebs, me paying attention to them, them ignoring me. It’s like that I year I spent in New York with high-powered binoculars all over again.

A: Should I be calling the authorities?

Q: So, I guess that’s the real question.

A: Whether or not I should call the cops?

Q: No! What’s the point? Why do I need another social network? That centers around music, and is tied to my music? What do I get out of the experience?

A: Apple says you can find new music…

Q: Pandora does it better…

A: Follow your friends and your favorite bands…

Q: Like I said, Facebook and Twitter work just fine…

A: And–yeah, I don’t know. I’ve been trying to see the point all day too, it’s just not there.

Q: Sorry to bring you down like that, man.

A: Nah, it’s all right. I’ll be fine.

Q: Hey, listen, you wanna go see a concert or something?

A: Sure. How will we figure out what’s in town though?

In the wake of yesterday’s Apple music event, tech critics are struggling to find bad things to say about Apple’s complete redesign of their media consumption devices.¹

“Man, the new iPod Touch? What’s that all about? It’s just an iPhone without the phone, man. Just a really fast gaming device. Just an awesome display for your emails, books, music, and video. Like I would want that! Whatever!” said Isaac N., noted Apple critic.

“Yeah, and that touch screen nano? How am I supposed to read a book on that screen? It’s way too small!” he continued. When informed that the new nano doesn’t display books, but just plays music, he had a hard time with that as well. “Oh great! So now I Can’t read books either! Useless, I tell you! Useless!”

Critics were equally hard pressed to find fault with the new Apple TV.

“Well, sure it’s only $99, and yeah, I guess streaming from any computer in your house, or the internet, or Netflix is kinda cool, but what about…erm…what about…penguins? Yeah! What about set top penguins?” Asked John Cleese, although we’re pretty sure he was joking.

Apple was unavailable to answer his penguin-related questions.

Meanwhile, actual human beings are reported as being interested in (if not excited by) the changes Apple made to the iPod lineup. The “excited” part will come when they get a new iPod during the winter gift-giving holidays.

1. We’ll talk about iTunes 10 tomorrow [↩]