Crazy Apple News Site

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we respond to Apple’s latest, greatest new product. No, not the Magic Trackpad. The Magic Trackpad is just part of a MacBook Pro Gone AWOL. No, this week we talk about the Amazing, the Incredible, the Apple Battery Charger.

Q: Really?

A: Really.

Q: This isn’t like, some hoax to get us to talk about the Magic Mouse, or the Magic Trackpad, or the Less-Magic iPhone 4–

A: Whoa whoa whoa! We don’t say the “i-4″ word around here, son!

Q: Right, right, sorry. So, you really want me to ask questions about a battery charger.

A: And I will answer them. Right. Go ahead.

Q: Okay, well, um… how about this: “Why did Apple decide to make a battery charger?”

A: I’m glad you asked!

Q: Hey, that’s what I don’t get paid for around here.

A: You see, since the dawn of time¹ mankind has had to replace batteries in things that need power but not cords.

Q: Yep.

A: Things like Walkmen, Electric Cheese Graters, or poorly made radio-control cars from Radio Shack, all have needed some way to convert stored chemical energy into electric energy.

Q: Wake me when the infomercial is over, ‘kay?

A: But this poses a problem: putting batteries in landfills is like stabbing the Earth in the face. Over and over and over.

Q: That got needlessly graphic in a hurry, now didn’t it?

A: It did indeed my friend, it did indeed. But Lo! On the horizon! Who is that that approacheth? Who cometh with a solution in his outstretched hands, borne on wings of brushed aluminum?

Q: And now we’ve gone all the way to needlessly messianic.

A: Behold! The Great Steve! He reaches down, and bestows upon the earth a way to significantly reduce the damage done to our dear earth mother, while still enjoying the benefits of wireless devices of all sorts!

Q: As long as they take AA batteries…

A: And in his great wisdom he has finally rid the charger of its vampiric ways, reducing its needless consumption of electricity by a fulsome 90%!

Q: And now he’s a vampire hunter. What happened to your continuity people?

A: They’re sitting on the couch behind me watching Ice Age 3. But that’s not important now.

Q: Good movie though. If you like needless sequels.

A: I do. Now… Dangit. I lost my train of thought.

Q: Let’s see here, um… “fulsome 90%…” is where you left off, I think.

A: Right, right. Fulsome. Lotsa savings. Look, I can’t get back into that groove. I’ma try a new one. Dude.

Q: [sighs]

A: So, anyway, if you like, need your Apple fix, but, like, you also care about all Our Fellow Creatures, then this is, like, exactly what you need.

Q: You’re too young, son. Your hippie/beach-boy thing just doesn’t work.

A: Yeah. Anyway, look, cool silvery batteries, cool charger, works in your periperals, buy it, done.

Q: Um, yeah, okay.

A: You just threw me off of my game, is all.

Q: Sorry…?

A: Yeah, look, it’s fine. Whatever.

Q: “Isn’t Ellie supposed to be the one with the hormonal imbalance?”

A: What?

Q: Sorry. Just quoting Ice Age 3.

1. January 1, 1970. The start of the UNIX epoch [↩]

(Since iPhone 4 fever is still going–albeit waning– we are pleased to bring you a newly unearthed journal written by Liliburn H. Jobs shortly after he settled in what was to become Cupertino. Only a few entries are still legible; the journal was found in a box tangled in the roots of a tree.)

March 21st, 1864: I was right! The tree in our north pasture is indeed an apple tree. Lisa and I have a new wager: I say it’s a Macintosh, she says Golden Delicious. We shall see. Our house construction comes along well, although we continue to await our shipment from the glazier.

August 4th, 1864: Lisa owes me again! That tree is indeed a Macintosh. When I took my first bite of it’s fruit, it was like a great, solemn chime rang out, sonorous and simple. I have named this tree “Apple 2″ because Lisa lost two bets to me on this tree. We still await our shipment from Washington. Our house is nearly finished, but still a bit drafty.

October 12th, 1864: at long last our windows arrived from Redmond. We installed them into their frames, but are not pleased with the results. EAch of the four panes has a different tint, one blue, one green, one yellow, one red. In addition, there have been a number of holes that we have had to patch, and a number of bugs seem to sneak through the frame. It is a wonder to me that these windows are so popular. I’ve half a mind to go into business competing with these know-nothings from the north, but I fear it may be too late to make significant headway in that market. I’ve got to think different.

(The iPhone 4 thing is still raging out of control and making all Apple news in this universe really boring, mean-spirited, and depressing. So we are posting an article form AR-CANS, the Alternate Reality Crazy Apple News Site. They are writing about the new iPhone 3GRS¹ which was the follow-up to the 3G in their universe. Other than that, I’m told, their universe is pretty similar to ours.)

Many young fish have asked me if the 3GRS will be as airproof and gelatin-proof as it’s predecessor. There’s no denying that those weekend trips to Alpha Proxima were greatly facilitated by the aerophobic and geleophobic coatings Apple put on their iPhone flipper-held devices. But even with UniversCell technology, it seems that some calls were getting dropped in the outer reaches of the Oort cloud, where massive uncharted astral bodies could make it hard to get a signal. This of course explains the gelatin: anything submersed in gelatin has its signal strength boosted significantly, as you all know. this is why the Ensign, Gel-Class is such a coveted and enviable position on any starbus.

Well, the answer, my icthiods, is yes, the 3GRS retains the full body geleophobic coating that you have grown to love and trust in your flippertop app phone. Steve Cods assures us that the hypersolar market will be “the main audience” of all upcoming releases of the iPhone.

In other news, Microsoft doesn’t exist in this reality. But Linux lost another 2 percent of the shoal-top market, with Apple and BeOS picking up one percentage point apiece…

Look, I gotta stop there. I was told these guys were pretty similar to us, but BeOS picking up market share? That’s just too weird.

1. “RS” stands for “Really Speedy” [↩]

(note: since our current Crazy Apple News coverage is on break, we are borrowing from one of our temporal affiliates, the Future Apple News Site)
(Second Note: Technically, this whole post should have a thing that says “with apologies to William Gibson. But I’m not apologizing until he does. He knows what he did.)

Product Comparison: iDeck vs. The Ono-Sendai Hosaka Deck

The venerable Apple, Inc.’s entry into the cyberspace deck market has spurred a considerable amount of conversation and speculation. Will Apple’s years of interface experience give them an edge over the current market leader from Ono-Sendai? Or will cyber cowboys reject this more consumer-driven device?

In many ways, the devices are similar: they both work with the industry standard Hitachi 40 point connectors, although they both require a special adapter to do so. They both offer a gateway into cyberspace, of course. However, the iDeck’s streamlined simstim interface will make it easier for “iCowboys” to jack into other peoples’ sensory feeds, as well as connecting to construct ROMs. The iDeck is also more portable, and offers higher resolution thanks to Apple’s advanced ‘trode placement band.

On the other hand, supporters of the Hosaka point out that the older, battle tested deck offers greater customization potential, as you can jack any program into your deck, whereas the iDeck will only run apps purchased in Apple’s virtual AppStore, which incidentally is where you will find yourself whenever you jack in.

“Look, we all know Apple is never going to approve anything from Huang, and there are times where you need some specialized….security software,” said the construct of Case, one of Cyberspace’s premier cowboys. “The iDeck is fine for casual users, but corporate customers aren’t going to try to do business with the Yaki without some good tools on their side. And for now, all the best business software is written for the Hosaka.”

Apple points out that iHack ’35, their premiere security testing suite, will be available in August, but industry pundits remain skeptical.

“if you think iHack is going to be anything like as powerful as the stuff we’re seeing out of Night City you need to check behind your ear for a loose microsoft,” Case’s recorded personality said.

In other news, Microsoft announced that Windows CyberDeck XLT will be available in the Sprawl early next year, making it 47 years since they released CyberDeck 28.

This is just to let you know that we are officially taking a break until this whole iPhone 4 thing blows over.¹
Because frankly, we’re tired of it. The only Apple news on the block is the iPhone 4. No new macs, no new iPods/iPads, or updates to OSX or any of the other stuff that is actually interesting or any fun. It’s all antennae and their problems, as far as the eye can see. It makes it hard to scrounge up material, especially if you’re as lazy as we are. It kinda goes like this:

8:02: “Well, I’ll see what’s out there about Apple. Something funny must be happening”

8:03: “Hmmm, Pogue thinks the iPhone is good. No surprise. Gruber thinks people who don’t think the iPhone is good are bad. Yep. Yep.”

8:04 “Would ‘the iPhone: Will it kill your entire family?’ be a good article? Bleh, no! C|Net already did that one. Well, probably. It sounds like something they would do.”

8:06 “Maybe I could start a ‘Crazy Windows News Site…wait, that’s Paul Therrot’s site. Too bad.”

8:07 “Maybe I should go into something less crazy.”

And that’s no way to run a humor site. So I will start writing funny things about things when something funny starts happening. Thank you very much.

1. the past few weeks have been an unofficial break [↩]