Crazy Apple News Site

As usual, I’ll be posting snarky comments about other people’s serious comments here¹

11:01 am: Here’s my hoped for breakdown of the keynote:

• Steve Jobs announcing new products: 30 minutes
• Phil Schiller doing a speed run of Portal on an iMac and being blown away by it: 15 minutes
• Jony Ive talking about how his new industrial designs are better than the Mona Lisa: 5 minutes
• Full on flash bashing: 10 minutes

11:08: iPad (have you heard of it?) is apparently a “thing” that some people have “bought”

11:09: I have the Elements App. It was interesting for five minutes. I bought some iBooks. I have read them. I have far more than 2.5 per iPad.

11:10: iBooks will now be as cool as the Kindle reader on the iPad. (bookmarks, notes)

11:11: Ooooh, PDF in iBooks. Sorry, GoodReader!

11:13: “We are totally into Open, uncontrolled HTML5. As long as you do it our way. HTML5 isn’t standardized yet, you guys!”"

11:14: Apple rejects apps that crash. Kinda like my MS professors. Curse them.

11:16: Netflix really is pretty good on the iPad. And will probably be pretty good (if small) on the iPhone.

11:20: Oh crap. Not farmville for the iPad. Please no. Please please please no.

11:21 Not push notifications from your farmville farm. Please, please no.

11:23 Farmville Demo is over. Finally. I feel dirty now. Somehow.

11:25: Guitar Hero. I couldn’t really care less.

11:27: Let’s please get to something that isn’t a game, nkay?

11:29: If Steve starts marching around, sweating, clapping, and chanting ”Developers” I’m gonna cry.

11:31: Wait, there’s going to be a new iPhone? Who knew?

11:32: That new phone looks…familiar, somehow.

11:34: I’d really like an iPhone, but I really don’t want any AT&T stuff.

11:36: Wow, the new iPhone has ANTENNAE!

11:39: And PIXELS!

11:40: More about pixels. The new iPhone has better ones.

11:44: Network problems. Someone at Moscone West will be fired. Out of a cannon.

11:49: The new iPhone is full of not-very-interesting surprises.

11:51: It has a Gyroscope. I don’t know why.

11:53: Steve will now spend the rest of the keynote playing Jenga

11:54: the new iPhone has CAMERAS!

11:56: This pixel math sounds eerily like “Reganomics”. Video is useful.

11:57: iMovie for iPhone. Oh Man. Take that George Lucas!

11:59: As of next week, Pixar will make all their movies in iMovie for iPhone.

12:07: iOS 4. New features! Stuff! Less awkwardly-out-date name!

12:10: Things we already knew. But now we know them AGAIN!

12:13: Pandora: The only way to know that a mobile OS is worth anything.

12:17: iBooks on iPhone. It’s like Kindle, but better. Steve says so.

12:19: Winnie the Pooh on a very small screen, folks.

12:20: The notes you take will follow you. No matter where you go, no matter how you hide.

12:22: iAds. Connect emotionally to your customers’ wallets.

12:25: Target and citi want to have an emotional conversation with you in your iPhone apps.

12:26: What exactly is AT&T advertising on iPhones?

12:30: Ads are finally done.

12:33: “One more thing” is video chatting.

12:35: STEVE HATES YOUR WIFI

12:36: voice chat only works with Jonathan Ive, unfortunately.

12:38: Apparently it works with Babies too.

12:40: This will be some kinda industry standard or something.

12:41: AT&T will be semi-nice to you if you upgrade NOW

12:45: And that’s really about it.

12:49: Scott Forestall likes being excited about things.

12:54: Steve feels that a marriage of tech and liberal arts would work out well. Better than a marriage between techno music and folk songs.

12:55: And that’s all! It certainly is a new phone.

1. I’ll answer questions about where we’ve been for the past month later [↩]