Crazy Apple News Site

Since we actually got an iFAQ out the door on Friday we figured we’d celebrate by giving you a sneaky peek into the parts that don’t make it into the final edit, the footage that hits the cutting room floor. And hopefully by so doing we will also give you a greater appreciation for all the work we do around here while you’re out gallivanting around with your fancy friends.

Anyway, here’s the clips:¹

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A: “And the Armadillo was all ‘yeah, but I just BOUGHT this shirt!”

[Laughter]

Q: Dude, everyone already knows that joke. It’s like, it’s a thousand years old.

Producer: Guys? We’re rolling.

Q: Crap! Right. Ahem. Hrm. Look, it’s a phone. It’s just a phone. What makes your [starts laughing] I just got it [laughs] He just BOUGHT that shirt!

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Q: Oh, yeah, that new iOS. It’s based on OS sex right?

[Laughter from booth]

Q: Whoa, forgot, I’m on CANS, not CARS.

A: What cat is THAT named after?

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A: The Retina Display has a surprisingly high pixel density, yes.

Q: …

A: Yes, very, very high.

Q: …

A: Lotsa pixels there.

Q: … Sorry, what? Oh yeah. It’s got glassy RAM or something, look, I was reading over next week’s script, and it got me all confused. Can we try again?

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Q: Dork.

A: Nerd.

Q: Jerkface.

A: Monkeyhead.

Producer: Guys? Can… can we get back to the script?

Q: Just a second, we’re almost done here. Windows User.

A: OS/2 Aficionado.

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A: Yep, it’s shtable, sholid, and hash more …. blerb bleoo bleh. Whoo! Let’s try that again.

[Laughter]

A: Need to warm up a bit. Blrblrblbrlblrb. “I saw a sheet a sheet I slit upon the slitted sheet I sit”² Okay, I’m good. Can we start again?

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A: Oooooh, them’s fightin’ words, pal.

Q: You wascaly wabbit!

[Laughter]

A: Whal Tarnation! My Biscuits are burnin’!

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A: Your Grandma.

Q: She runs Linux on a… dangit, what was it? A wolf pack? Something? Beowulf cluster? So it like, cuts the arms off of a WHOLE BUNCH of monsters? Okay, let’s go again. Sorry Grandma.

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And there you have it! We hope you enjoyed this little glimpse at life inside the iFAQ studio.

1. in your brain, the Horizontal Rules should sound like “boop” [↩]
2. Pretty much the only thing I remember from Choir in High School. Yes I was in Choir in High School. Don’t judge me! [↩]

Every Friday we fail to publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we talk about the one thing that changes everything: the iPhone. Again!

Q: So, it’s got a really pixelly screen, right?

A: The Retina Display has a surprisingly high pixel density, yes.

Q: And it’s got more RAM, right? and, like, two cameras?

A: We don’t talk about RAM on Apple products. But yes, there is a front facing camera now.

Q: And it’s made out of glass or something, right?

A: These are just barely questions.

Q: Look, it’s a phone. It’s just a phone. What makes your iPhone so special?

A: Well, there’s an OS that actually works–

Q: Oh, yeah, that new iOS. It’s based on OSX, right? So I guess that’s pretty cool.

A: Yep. It’s stable, solid, and has more available apps than any other mobile platform

Q: For more money than any other platform! Oh, and it gets built in advertising! I mean that’s a Google move if ever I heard of one.

A: Oooooh, them’s fighting words, pal.

Q: Look, don’t get me wrong, Apple’s a business, right? We all know that. So they need a way to make ever more money on things. But when I’m using an App I don’t want to be interacting emotionally with the ads. I want to be flinging birds at green pigs in improbable buildings.

A: Oh yeah? Well, yeah, okay. But still, it’s better to have it all centralized and pretty, right?

Q: Sure, if you’re already an Apple fan. But who else is going to think that draconian vetting of ads in apps that are in a store that already has draconian vetting–

A: Your grandma.

Q: She runs Linux on a Beowulf cluster, dude. Look, I know what you’re trying to say: people who aren’t tech savvy don’t really care where the ads or the apps are coming from. So fine. But we should have some kinda choice, right? I mean, look at OSX: it’s all kinds of open. And it benefits from it. ANYBODY can write an application for the Mac and as a result, there are some great ones out there.

A: You got mean when you got sick, you know that?

Q: Sorry, dude. Gettin’ all dehydrated in a park whilst surrounded by Apple freaks didn’t do much for my mood.

A: Well, we’ll forgive it for now. But remember: mean is only okay when it’s funny.

Q: Okay. And you remember: don’t talk about presentation until the mics are off.

A: What? Oh, Dangit! I always forget–

The FCC, CIA, and FDA have started a joint investigation into the design of Apple’s latest update to the Mac Mini.
“We are concerned that the elegance and beauty of the new Mac Mini will influence the way people watch TV, as it will almost invariably be added to entertainment centers around the world.” said an FCC representative. “I mean, that thing can store every episode of LOST in HD, which is bad for reruns.”

“We are worried that the new unibody enclosure of the Mac Mini will affect people much like a drug, forcing people to buy more and more Minis until they can buy nothing else,” wrote the FDA. “We haven’t stopped thinking about it since it was announced.”

“We jumped in because there’s not a whole lot to do these days, what with the FBI taking over pretty much all of our work,” Said the CIA¹ .

Here at CANS we are trying to save up enough pennies to conduct our own research into the effects of the new Mac Mini’s HDMI port on our 23″ monitor that is currently connected to a loathsome Dell laptop. We estimate we will have the required number of pennies (70,000) by the middle of 2014.

1. At least, that’s what they want you to think… [↩]

Welcome to the first installment of Fireside Chats, a new feature where we discuss both sides of an issue in a relaxed, informal setting. These fireside chats are completely neutral and seek to understand both sides equally. In this fireside chat we’ll be pondering the ideological divide between iPads and games made by sixteen-year-olds with hacked copies of Macromedia’s Adobe’s decrepit web content development platform. Taking the part of the iPad will be Steve Jobs¹ . Taking the part of Flash will be a semi-concussed street “performance artist” who calls himself “Dr. Space”.  Let’s join them now.

Mediator: Gentlemen, we’re here to discuss Flash on the iPad. Many people feel that not allowing Flash content is hurting the transcendent new device, while millions of others apparently don’t care at all. Steve, let’s start with you. What’s so bad about Flash?

Steve Jobs: We know first hand that Flash is the number one reason Macs crash. We have been working with Adobe to fix these problems, but they have persisted for several years now. We don’t want to reduce the reliability and security of our iPhones, iPods and iPads by adding Flash.²

Dr. Space: WHAT? You gotta stop listening to those BRAIIIN-Beamers, Jobber! Flash, man, he so cool, he so cool it make me say YEAH! I gotta give a big shout out to my man Zorthac, because he DECIDED the flash! He knows what it is to BE the flash! I know he can be relied on, like my pet turtle, Slappy. Slappy, help me out here.³

Slappy: [Looks straight forward, then blinks slowly.]

Moderator: Thank you gentlemen. Good points all around. Moving on, let’s talk about security. Gentlemen, both the iPad and the Flash platform have had security problems lately, although both could conceivably be blamed on your partners. Does Apple still hold that Flash would be an added security risk on the iOS family of devices?

Dr. Space: I hold up an apple, I see it, it sees me, my reflection on the waxy, fruity surface of the apple. Slappy, he bit the apple, and that’s what Jobber here bring to the people. MY PEOPLE! we KNOW what apple is, because it’s core grew in my belly!

Steve Jobs: On the contrary, Symantec recently highlighted Flash for having one of the worst security records in 2009, and that’s just the beginning. Flash was designed for PCs using mice, not for touch screens using fingers.

Moderator: I don’t see how a mouse-driven interface would affect security–

Dr. Space: Mice drive when MEN should be SLEEPIN’! Mice have seen the Wall of Truth, and they turned to eat it! I know they do! I garden the planets, and I have BEEN in the WALL!

Moderator: That to one side, and it’s a good point, I don’t think we’ve answered the security question.

Steve Jobs: The most important reason is the problems stemming from a third party supplying a cross platform development tool. The third party may not adopt enhancements from one platform unless they are available on all of their supported platforms. Hence developers only have access to the lowest common denominator set of features. Again, we cannot accept an outcome where developers are blocked from using our innovations and enhancements because they are not available on our competitor’s platforms.

Moderator: Mr. Jobs, again, this doesn’t really relate to the security issue. But since you bring it up, let’s discuss third party development tools. Apple has definitely settled on a platform–

Dr. Space: When I settled on this platform called earth, I said to Slappy, “Slappy, you’re my only friend in the cosmos. Tell me, tell me Slappy, what is the TRUTH?” And Slappy bit me. RIGHT ON THE FIFTH FINGER! And that’s when I KNEW! I knew the truth so hard, I said YEAH! YEAH! It made an impression on me. IT made so great an impression, I don’t even remember it!

Moderator: Er, Mr. Jobs, your response?

Steve Jobs: Wow, man, how can I respond to that? I mean, he’s got a point. Look, you chose well. This guy, this guy is good. YEAH!

Dr. Space: YEAH!

Slappy: [turtle noises that Dr. Space assured us meant "YEAH!"]

Moderator: And that’s all the time we have for today. Join us next time when we discuss the de-emphasis of OSX in the Apple mindset. Thank you.

1. or a reasonable facsimile thereof [↩]
2. Yes, most of these will come straight from Steve’s “Thoughts on Flash” on the Apple website. [↩]
3. Dr. Space mostly comes from my brother in law, and a guy I met in the Philippines. [↩]

It’s enjoyable to see an ad that is 100% wrong. I’m not single, I’m not over 40, and I don’t live in Chicago.

As usual, I’ll be posting snarky comments about other people’s serious comments here¹

11:01 am: Here’s my hoped for breakdown of the keynote:

• Steve Jobs announcing new products: 30 minutes
• Phil Schiller doing a speed run of Portal on an iMac and being blown away by it: 15 minutes
• Jony Ive talking about how his new industrial designs are better than the Mona Lisa: 5 minutes
• Full on flash bashing: 10 minutes

11:08: iPad (have you heard of it?) is apparently a “thing” that some people have “bought”

11:09: I have the Elements App. It was interesting for five minutes. I bought some iBooks. I have read them. I have far more than 2.5 per iPad.

11:10: iBooks will now be as cool as the Kindle reader on the iPad. (bookmarks, notes)

11:11: Ooooh, PDF in iBooks. Sorry, GoodReader!

11:13: “We are totally into Open, uncontrolled HTML5. As long as you do it our way. HTML5 isn’t standardized yet, you guys!”"

11:14: Apple rejects apps that crash. Kinda like my MS professors. Curse them.

11:16: Netflix really is pretty good on the iPad. And will probably be pretty good (if small) on the iPhone.

11:20: Oh crap. Not farmville for the iPad. Please no. Please please please no.

11:21 Not push notifications from your farmville farm. Please, please no.

11:23 Farmville Demo is over. Finally. I feel dirty now. Somehow.

11:25: Guitar Hero. I couldn’t really care less.

11:27: Let’s please get to something that isn’t a game, nkay?

11:29: If Steve starts marching around, sweating, clapping, and chanting ”Developers” I’m gonna cry.

11:31: Wait, there’s going to be a new iPhone? Who knew?

11:32: That new phone looks…familiar, somehow.

11:34: I’d really like an iPhone, but I really don’t want any AT&T stuff.

11:36: Wow, the new iPhone has ANTENNAE!

11:39: And PIXELS!

11:40: More about pixels. The new iPhone has better ones.

11:44: Network problems. Someone at Moscone West will be fired. Out of a cannon.

11:49: The new iPhone is full of not-very-interesting surprises.

11:51: It has a Gyroscope. I don’t know why.

11:53: Steve will now spend the rest of the keynote playing Jenga

11:54: the new iPhone has CAMERAS!

11:56: This pixel math sounds eerily like “Reganomics”. Video is useful.

11:57: iMovie for iPhone. Oh Man. Take that George Lucas!

11:59: As of next week, Pixar will make all their movies in iMovie for iPhone.

12:07: iOS 4. New features! Stuff! Less awkwardly-out-date name!

12:10: Things we already knew. But now we know them AGAIN!

12:13: Pandora: The only way to know that a mobile OS is worth anything.

12:17: iBooks on iPhone. It’s like Kindle, but better. Steve says so.

12:19: Winnie the Pooh on a very small screen, folks.

12:20: The notes you take will follow you. No matter where you go, no matter how you hide.

12:22: iAds. Connect emotionally to your customers’ wallets.

12:25: Target and citi want to have an emotional conversation with you in your iPhone apps.

12:26: What exactly is AT&T advertising on iPhones?

12:30: Ads are finally done.

12:33: “One more thing” is video chatting.

12:35: STEVE HATES YOUR WIFI

12:36: voice chat only works with Jonathan Ive, unfortunately.

12:38: Apparently it works with Babies too.

12:40: This will be some kinda industry standard or something.

12:41: AT&T will be semi-nice to you if you upgrade NOW

12:45: And that’s really about it.

12:49: Scott Forestall likes being excited about things.

12:54: Steve feels that a marriage of tech and liberal arts would work out well. Better than a marriage between techno music and folk songs.

12:55: And that’s all! It certainly is a new phone.

1. I’ll answer questions about where we’ve been for the past month later [↩]