Crazy Apple News Site

Look, when humor sites do April Fool’s Day things it’s just stupid, right? I mean, parodying your parody site puts you dangerously close to the Alfred Newman/Dr. Demento/Gallagher level of humor, where you start relying on wolf whistles and watermelons and opaque catchphrases.¹

So instead of doing any of that we’re presenting a post that was scheduled to auto-appear on April 3rd at 7:00 am. It’s all about me not going to stand in line because my iPad was going to be delivered, and was written before I decided I’d rather go stand in line. So without further ado, we present: Saturday Morning.

Saturday Morning

UnAssociated Press–SALT LAKE CITY Something big is happening today. Crowds are gathered downtown, lining up, hours early, waiting. Many of these people have travelled from neighboring states to be here. Most, if not all, have dressed up for the event, even. Laughing, talking, happy. Sure, here and there is someone who doesn’t seem to be part of the scene, perhaps a bit annoyed by having to get past all these other people, but for the most part everyone here seems to be looking forward to one thing.
I’m referring, of course, to the 180th Annual General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and event that has been tying up SLC traffic for well over 160 years now.

But just under one mile away, almost due east, there’s another crowd. Not as large as the first, perhaps, but they too are lining up for something big. Something new is coming, and they are here to be among the first to see it. A few of them are in suits and ties or dresses, suggesting that they’re ready to move from one crowd to the other as soon as they’re done here. Here, too, there is an air of excitement, here, too, are a few people annoyed at the crowd, but overall a feeling of expectation.
I’m referring, of course, to the official launch of the iPad.

A few miles south and west, there’s a house. That’s where I am. Since it’s only about 7am on a Saturday, I’m still asleep, mumbling something about video drivers into my pillow.² I’ll be taking part of both activities today, but from the comfort of my own house. My iPad will be here soon, so says UPS’s tracking website. I can watch conference on the internet, as I’ve done for a few years running now. Unfortunately, I have a duty to perform: I must make up stories about the people who wait in line for a new Apple product. Blearily I stumble out of bed and start pretending to be somewhere I’m not³ Here, then, is the official live coverage of the iPad launch event.

The mood is festive here at the Apple Store, with people lining up, sitting down and waiting for the launch of the decade⁴ I approached with caution, my experiences with the MobileMe and iPhone OS 3.0 launches having left me wary and skittish, like a cat that’s been around two too many two-year-olds.

Still, the crowd here seemed, well, normal. People were wearing real pants and shirts, and there wasn’t a single tatoo’ed Apple product on display anywhere. Some people were on their phones, some were watching movies on their iPods, some were just…having conversations. In person. It was kind of like opening the door into the sub-basement after coming down a flight of damp and creaky stairs and finding a well-lit, clean and aired out sitting room with comfy chairs. One couldn’t shake the feeling that it wouldn’t be long before the other shoe was dropped and a huge monster with big slimy claws slithered out from behind a dust ruffle and ate a minor character. Still, such is the life of a pretend journalist, so I waded in and actually spoke with some people.

“I want an iPad so I can watch movies on the train,” said the first man I approached. Before I’d even asked him, as a matter of fact. “Because I like watching movies, and I hate sitting on the train for 45 minutes a day, looking at the wall. I mean, who wants to do that? Not me. Not Marvin Q. Peacock.” He looked at me expectantly, but what exactly it was he was expecting was opaque to me. Then he started offering to sell me low-cost vacations and generic medicines. That’s when I remembered where I’d heard his name before. He was a spammer.

“I think the iPad will be a great help to me in my work,” said a young lady who apparently decided I was a real journalist. “It’s got all the features I’m always looking for in a communication device. It’s portable, instant-on and instant-off, with a good battery life and rock-solid connectivity. Furthermore, the built-in screen and speakers make it a perfect addition to my one-woman shows against apartheid. I can use it as a prop or as a music player. that way I’ll really be able to get people to pay attention to the rights of downtrodden, masses of ants. Would you like to see a scene? It’s called ‘The Shoe That Stomped Me’.”

She then launched into a three-minute diatribe against what she referred to as “that infernal Nike”.

The next person I saw was Chandler Bing, from the TV show Friends. Not Matthew Perry, the actor who portrayed him, but the acutal fictional character Chandler Bing. “Could I be any less real?” he asked. “And hey, why am I in line to buy an iPad? They didn’t exist when I was on the air! I have no way of knowing about them! I gotta go find Joey.”

Past him were three men in dark coats, collars turned up, hats down low on their heads. I informed them that they were several months ahead of schedule and in the wrong state to boot. They left hurredly and without comment.

At length the doors opened and everyone flooded into the Apple store to buy their iPads. As I headed home to await the arrival of mine, I couldn’t help but feel just a little let down. Sure, people being weird at launches is kinda scary, but it’s also a lot of fun. everyone at this launch was so,so…well, normal. Oh well. Next maybe next time.

1. Fun game! Try to think up a catch phrase more banal than “What, me worry?” ! (Hint: this isn’t possible.) [↩]
2. That’s the benefit of writing your articles two weeks early. I should remember that. [↩]
3. well, not really. See, this is still all written two weeks before the actual fact. But let’s pretend. Which would be easier if I stopped knocking holes in this here fourth wall. [↩]
4. a decade which is only four months old, I’ll grant you. [↩]