Crazy Apple News Site

So, we were sixteen kinds of excited to have special guest star Jony Ive answering questions for this week’s iFaq. However, instead of a list of stylish answers to our fanboy-esque questions, all we got was this:

So, um… We’re thinking he’s not actually going to do the iFAQ this week. And what with our Q still standing in line and our feelings all hurt, we’re going on to other things. More posts soon.

Apple again made news today as they responded to many jibes over calling the iPad a “magical” device.

“The iPad has been described as magical, and we have taken a lot of heat over that,” said Scott Forstall, SVP of iPhone Software. “Especially from the State of Oregon. We’re here to defend that claim.

“But first, what is the deal with Oregon? I mean, really.

“Anyway, returning to my point, the iPad does contain actual magic. You see, each Apple A4 chip contains not only next generation processing power, but also a very tiny piece of an actual palantír.”

Forstall waited for people to either be awed or sneak out their iPhones to look the word up in Wikipedia, then be awed. He then continued, “Steve and Oppenheimer found three palantíri after correctly identifying the locations of the Shire, Gondor, and Minas Ithil, then triangulating the location of the burial mound of Aragorn son of Arathorn. However, it wasn’t until we had a true Son of Westernesse on the staff that we were able to tackle the task of wresting the stones to our will.

“It’s Jony Ive, by the way. I guess the Men of the West got a bit shorter over the years.”

The palantíri have long been regarded as the ultimate communication devices, able to communicate instantly across great distances without electricity or any other known human technology. Apple’s inclusion of the Noldor artifacts represents the first successful blend of ancient and modern philosophies, and even crosses the line between reality and fantasy. Also, how else were they going to get a 10-hour battery life out of a battery that’s a little thicker than three pieces of paper?

But this amazing blend does still have a few glitches. “Some of the iPads have had a tendency to show an image of two hands withering in flame, or a fire-rimmed Eye still searching across the fathoms of time,” Forestall admitted. “But we have found that a simple ‘hard-reset’, performed by holding the home button and the power button simultaneously for five seconds will clear that up.”

Forstall then turned to the large screen behind him, where a video detailing the process of turning the Seer-stones of Gondor into 802.11x wireless devices was played.

“The palantíri represent the pinnacle of communication magic from the days when the Elves still lived in the Ultimate West,” said Jony Ive in the video. “But you will create the real magic as you use the iPad to touch the lives of those you care about…from anywhere.”

Rumors that the “S” in “iPhone 3GS” actually stands for “silmaril” are as yet unconfirmed.

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week: the sensation that everyone’s been talking about: Steam on the Mac! since our usual “Q” is still standing in line for his iPad, we have once again enlisted the help of Grug the Orc from Freeverse’s¹ Hordes of Orcs to help us explore this hot new trend in Mac Gaming.

Q: Grug not see why Grug has to talk about competitor’s product.

A: Hey, Steam has a lot of potential, and Freeverse could easily tap into it, you see, Steam is a great online content delivery and account management system…

Q: Grug know what Steam is! Grug orc, not stupid. You think that just because Grug not speak perfect English that Grug doesn’t understand the value of an integrated content marketplace and social network. If Grug so stupid, why you not speak Orcish, instead of make orc speak English?

A: Gosh, you’re right. I have no idea how to speak Orcish.

Q: … Actually, Grug speaking Orcish right now. Turns out Orcish is broken English in Grug’s world.

A: …

Q: Hey, Grug created by programmers, not J.R.R. Tolkein! Cut Grug some slack already.

A: Ooookay. Moving on. If you’re so smart, why do you keep walking into all those traps?

Q: Not Grug’s fault! That how program works. Grug just object; must respond to calls on public methods. Although it true, sometimes Grug feels like lemming.

A: Lemmings don’t actually run into the sea, you know.

Q: No, Grug mean 10-pixel-tall lemming from old computer game Lemmings, not furry mammal from arctic countries.

A: Oh, right. Hey, that was a fun game!

Q: Yeah. Grug always feel sorry for exploder lemmings though. Not their fault door opened in stupid place!

A: Yeah. Anyway, Steam.

Q: Look, if good Mac games get on Steam, great. If only Valve games on Steam, what the big deal? Maybe some Freeverse games get on there, maybe not, Grug not say. Apparently Grug only good for answering questions from two-bit blogger-man.

A: Hey, ouch.

Q: Eh, Grug call ‘em like Grug see ‘em. Not too good at tact. No real need, out there in the trenches.

A: When you’re getting shot fulla arrows?

Q: No, when answering support calls at call center. Seriously, some people so stupid.

A: Well, that’s all the time we have. Hopefully you’ve gained a better understanding of the world of Mac games and how it’s changed with the entry of one of the PC world’s biggest names.

Q: Not much, that’s what Grug say. People still stupid.

A: So until next time… oh, and if you happen to wander past the Apple Store, give Q some food and tell him to come home. He can get his iPad like the rest of us.

1. It should go without saying that Freeverse had nothing at all to do with this article. Any opinions expressed here are probably stupid, but don’t blame them for that. Blame our failed educational system, and most of all, blame yourself for not caring more. [↩]

Just a quick note to let all of you know that CANS now has a mobile version hosted right at crazyapplenews.com! So not only does it have the normal URI, but it also looks better and let’s you make comments! All for free! Give it a look-see next time you’re bored.

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we were going to talk more about that most irritating and yet strangely addicting of social networks, but ran into some technical difficulties, as follows:

This week we’ll be writing short messages about twitter, the social network for people with ADD! So ask your questions!

…

…

A: Um, shouldn’t there have been a Q: about here?

A: Yeah, I’m not really supposed to be the opener on these things. Hang on. Sorry folks, just let me call him…

[phone rings]

Q: [on phone] hello?

A: Q? Hey it’s A! Where are you man?

Q: Oh yeah, the thing, right. Look, I can’t make it this week.

A: What? Why not?

Q: Yeah, I’m standing in line for my iPad.

A: Line? What line? The iPad will be shipped in like, two weeks! You can have it shipped to your house!

Q: Sure, if you’re a wimp. Look, I got my reservation in earlier, but I read on twitter that if you’re not at the store by like, 9:03 they’re just gonna start giving them to whoever waves money at the bored Apple Store clerks.

A: So just have it shipped to your house! You don’t even–

Q: Besides, the whole thing is to be there, you know? To be part of the mystique, part of the launch group. To be the person who really “gets” the iPad, instead of just someone who gets it in the mail.

A: Munchin’ on some brownies in the line are we?

Q: Well, it’s not really a line right now, because they called the cops, so a bunch of us are just hanging out in a park nearby. We’ve resolved we’re not going home until April 3rd.

A: Oh yeah, that’ll make the Apple employees want you in their nice shiny store.

Q: It’s not what they want, man, it’s what the iPad wants. It demands devotion. Anyway, look, you’ll never understand me, so I’m out. I gotta save battery power on my iPhone, you know? because there aren’t really any outlets in this park and
[click]

A: Q? Q? You there? Drat.

So you can see our problem. We’re screening applicants for a temp Q position for the next few weeks, which could become permanent if the original doesn’t survive two weeks in line. We’ll keep you posted.

Former CEO Jonathan Schwartz has started a blog detailing all the things he was too humble to tell us about himself when he was still captain of a sinking ship CEO of sun. His upcoming book WordPress hosted blog reveals some of the things you might not have known about the kinds of meetings that happen between CEO’s of major companies and third-string wannabes. But we weren’t content to wait for the next installment of “Jonathan Schwartz tells Apple to shut up”, so we called him directly and asked for the “The dirt”.

“So, this one time, Bill Gates came into my office, and was all, “Java is stupid!” and I was all “whatever Bill, .Net looks like crap and doesn’t run on Solaris!” Schwartz related over the phone. He continued, “So then I flexed all my pecs and abs and my shirt was like BOOM and Bill was all ‘Wow Jon you have awesome muscles and I just wet myself so I’m leaving now because you’re so scary!’ and I was the strongest CEO in the world and I made Steve Jobs give me his lunch money and Steve Ballmer told me that he wants to be like me when he grows up.”

Unfortunately, at this point Mrs. Schwartz came in and told Johnny that it was nap time He had to attend a high-level meeting, so we were unable to continue with his story. But we’ll be sure to pick it up in his assuredly not soon to be a bestseller, as soon as it comes out on Apple’s iBooks service.

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we answer the mysterious question: What the crap happened last week?

Q: So, what the crap did happen last week? You were all “I’m going to Cali, baby!” and nobody heard from you again.

A: Gaaah, I started that post like six times, but various computer glitches kept eating it, or scrambling the words, or some stupid thing. the most coherent thing to emerge from the wreckage was a comparison of my seat mate on the flight to a wildebeest.

Q: Weak. Sauce. Try. Harder.

A: Look, I’m not starting that post again, man. At one point the hard drive on my iMac self-destructed, and I had to take it into the shop for a new hard drive,¹ and when I rebuilt from my Time Machine backup my post was completely NOT on the backup.

Q: So those four of us who follow this blog are doomed to forever vaguely wonder if anything happened when you were in the home of the free Google Wi-fi?

A: Google Wi-fi rejected me. I wrote about that before the GREAT HARD DRIVE CRASH.

Q: So, you got anything for us?

A: Look, I feel bad, really I do, but writing about that trip is a curse. So instead I’ll just throw in something I wrote on that trip, that I was saving for your birthday.

Q: No, not gonna cut it.

Ngmoco Buys Freeverse

Q: And I get ignored again.

A: H2 tags can’t hear you. Now Shhhhh! the article’s starting.

We here at CANS HQ were distressed to learn that Freeverse, one of our favorite software vendors, from whom we have borrowed characters, is being purchased by Ngmoco, an iPhone game company. This news is odd, sad, and depressing, which is probably a good summation of the internet in general. But that’s beside the point.

Freeverse was our first introduction to mac games, with their Big Bang Board Games that shipped free on our iMac. The games were simple, but clean and Mac-like, with lots of polish and interaction. Over the years we found them to be equally excellent at other programs, from the actually useful Periscope² to the much needed port of Heroes of Might and Magic V to the Mac, we’ve relied on Freeverse to make easy-to-use, well designed software, and we’ve never been let down.

In recent years we’ve also done a very small amount of testing for Freeverse, and found their staff to be friendly, intelligent, and generous to a fault.

And now they’re being purchased by a company that formed, like, what? Three weeks ago? A company whose empire is based on Rolando: the story of a cartoon ball. This is kind of like some kid who just won a huge cash prize in a Risk tournament buying General Patton.

The question is: will they continue to make Mac games and programs? It seems unlikely. the iPhone/iPad platform is easier to write for, and has a huge base of people just waiting to devour your latest creation with minimal advertising. So desktop games and apps lose again on the mac and more people start to wonder if Windows is really all that bad.

Or maybe we’re blowing the whole thing out of proportion. (We are) so we’ll stop now. It’s not much, but we just wanted to thank Freeverse for the excellent games and wish them well in their new adventures. May the monkey ever be on your back.

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A: See! See? How was that, eh? Pathos, humor, nostalgia, that post has it all!

Q: Did you want to borrow some black nail polish emo-boy? Whiny. that’s what it was. Whiny.

A: Whatever man. That’s David Pogue level Pulitzer material.³

Q: So, what we get from your trip to California is NOT EVEN a stupid T-Shirt, but a stupid article.

A: Okay, well, maybe you’ll like this post:

MacHeist Mails it In

Three months after the expected beginning of MacHeist, we get, not a new heist full of interest and prizes, but a cheap bundle of good but ininspiring software. Well, we here at CANS arent’ going to stand for it. I mean, yes we’ll buy the bundle, heck, we already have. But we’re not going to like it–

Q: Nope! Not interested.

A: Hey! Stop that!

Q: Alright look, you had a hard week, got it. I’m gonna go hang out with the Macalope for a while. Come back when you got something interesting to say.

1. this actually happened. On the plus side my iMac now has a 1.5 TB hard drive [↩]
2. which I used as a security camera in my room in California [↩]
3. I put that in just so David Pogue would read this and get mad at me again. Hey, negative attention is still attention! Ask any three-year-old! [↩]