Why Apple will never make the Newton again
Macworld’s Coverage of Apple’s tragic shift away from printers has led us to do similar research into other products Apple will never make again. Warning! This article may prove painful for people with strong, irrational personal connections to some of these products.
The Newton
Yes, it’s sad, but the Newton has gone, and will not return. Yes, there are people who say that the iPod Touch is the Newton for the 21st century, but those people are mentally ill and you should stop talking to them. That’s like saying that a MacBook Pro is the Babbage Analytical Engine for the 21st century. They are vaguely similar, but not similar enough for me to not want to hit you repeatedly for saying it. Apple stopped making the Newton because it was a stupid product and you should be ashamed for bringing it up in polite company. It’s like telling the story of how your dog got hit by a car in the middle of a business dinner with clients from many nations. Why was your dog even at a business dinner with clients from many nations? And how did the car get in the restaurant? Why haven’t you told me this story yet? It sounds fascinating.
HyperCard
HyperCard is also dead. No, Revolution is not the new Hypercard, Revoution is a bunch of Irish people trying to make money by selling an increasingly bloated scripting environment. No, AppleScript is not revolution, AppleScript is more like Perl done strange. You are a sad, strange person for still wanting your OS7-style scripted PowerPoint, and you need to get out into the fresh air a little bit more. I should also get out into the fresh air a little more, but it’s like 4 degrees outside right now, and better you than me in that kind of weather.
Snood
Okay, I admit, you can still buy snood, but I really don’t know why you would. Is there some kind of strange mind-control subliminal messaging in that game? Why do people still play it? It’s kinda ugly and not really all that much fun. So, it should be dead, even if it isn’t.
Well, I admit that this wasn’t the most useful post on earth, and definitely didn’t make me any new friends. But I also contend that it was at least as topical and sensible as Macworld’s three part series on printers that haven’t been made for a decade or more. Have a nice day.
Well, never saw a Newton, never used Hypercard, never played Snood. But it’s a new post. Welcome back, Nate.
The Newton was too big to fit in my shirt pocket, so I didn’t get one. Cosmic Osmo started as a HyperCard stack and begat Myst, so shut up! I never played Snood, and never will.
Th Newton moniker reminds me that Apple may never name a product after a variety of apple again, and that’s too bad. There are hundreds of names out there, like Gravenstein, Winesap, Blacktwig, Braeburn, Crispin, and of course Rambo.
Apple also missed an opportunity in their numbering scheme. After the Apple II and the Apple 3, I expected Apple Pi. Mmmhh!