Crazy Apple News Site

We’re not sure how this happened, but a courier today mis-delivered a sackful of letters addressed to

Santa Jobs
1 Holiday Loop
Cupertino, North Pole
10101

And it looks like our time practicing Steve Job’s signature paid off! In the spirit of all that is best in journalism, we thought we’d share a few of the letters with you.

Dear Santa Jobs,

This year I want to be right about things some more. If you could kinda keep an eye on my blog and make things the way I write about them I will feel like a good person instead of a hollow, bitter shell.

Also, I want a pony.

Love,
Johnny Gruber

Dear Santa Jobs,

I just wanted to thank you for the present you gave me last year. Those six dozen factual tips (indexed as they were with the months in which they should be published) really helped us cement a lead over AppleInsider.com!

Oh, and speaking of “tips”, please find enclosed a check for one hundred thousand “CEO Salaries”, if you know what I’m sayin’. If this year’s gift is as good as last year’s, you can expect another tip.

Pleasure doin’ business with you,
the super-secret editor of MacRumors.com

Dear Santa Jobs,

I just wanted to thank you for the present you gave me last year. Those six dozen factual tips (indexed as they were with the months in which they should be published) really helped us cement a lead over MacRumors.com!

Oh, and speaking of “tips”, please find enclosed a check for one hundred thousand “CEO Salaries”, if you know what I’m sayin’. If this year’s gift is as good as last year’s, you can expect another tip.

Pleasure doin’ business with you,
the super-secret editor of AppleInsider.com

Dear Santa Jobs,

I wanna 10-inch tablet anna 7-inch tablet anna free 3G plan for both of ‘em anna new MacBook Pro anna new iPhone an’ that means I’ll need preview units of all of them so I can write Missing Manuals for them.

An’ I wanna pony.

Thanks,
Davie Pogue

Dear Santa Jobs,

I want people to like me. Or at least stop making fun of me for that picture in the Times.

And a big pony.
Stevie Ballmer

Wha? Whazzat? Huh? Oh. Oh. Okay, okay.

I wan’… I wan’…. I WAN’ THE ENTITY BACK! WHER’ THE CRAP DID ‘E GO?

Awwwwww….wha’ever man. Jus’ give me somma that whiskey.

An’ sombody make Gruber shut up ’bout that pony.

Jonny Maltz Moltz

Look, Steve. Oh, all right, “Santa Jobs”

I don’t know why you do this every year. It’s so… well, actually it’s just like you, but whatever.

Look, you have to get me back on “Dancing with the Stars”, alright? I was robbed last time. I was freakin’ awesome, but the judges couldn’t handle me. You own that network, right? So just pull some strings, maybe fire a few people. You’ve always liked firing people, right? Anyway, do what you gotta do, but get me back on the air. I gotta wicked need to dance, baby!

Oh, hey, also, could you get me some new tires for my Segway? It eats less than a pony, which is nice.

Woz

Dear Santa Jobs,

I would like peace on earth. But I can’t do anything about it myself, because I’m too busy waiting for the world to change. So if you could do that I would love it. Also, please put a hit out on Jack Johnson, Norah Jones, and pretty much anyone else who’s played at a MacWorld or WWDC keynote other than me.

Thanks,

Johnny Mayer

Feel free to write your own letter to Santa Jobs in the comments. It’ll be at least as effective as these letters.