Crazy Apple News Site

We’re not sure how this happened, but a courier today mis-delivered a sackful of letters addressed to

Santa Jobs
1 Holiday Loop
Cupertino, North Pole
10101

And it looks like our time practicing Steve Job’s signature paid off! In the spirit of all that is best in journalism, we thought we’d share a few of the letters with you.

Dear Santa Jobs,

This year I want to be right about things some more. If you could kinda keep an eye on my blog and make things the way I write about them I will feel like a good person instead of a hollow, bitter shell.

Also, I want a pony.

Love,
Johnny Gruber

Dear Santa Jobs,

I just wanted to thank you for the present you gave me last year. Those six dozen factual tips (indexed as they were with the months in which they should be published) really helped us cement a lead over AppleInsider.com!

Oh, and speaking of “tips”, please find enclosed a check for one hundred thousand “CEO Salaries”, if you know what I’m sayin’. If this year’s gift is as good as last year’s, you can expect another tip.

Pleasure doin’ business with you,
the super-secret editor of MacRumors.com

Dear Santa Jobs,

I just wanted to thank you for the present you gave me last year. Those six dozen factual tips (indexed as they were with the months in which they should be published) really helped us cement a lead over MacRumors.com!

Oh, and speaking of “tips”, please find enclosed a check for one hundred thousand “CEO Salaries”, if you know what I’m sayin’. If this year’s gift is as good as last year’s, you can expect another tip.

Pleasure doin’ business with you,
the super-secret editor of AppleInsider.com

Dear Santa Jobs,

I wanna 10-inch tablet anna 7-inch tablet anna free 3G plan for both of ‘em anna new MacBook Pro anna new iPhone an’ that means I’ll need preview units of all of them so I can write Missing Manuals for them.

An’ I wanna pony.

Thanks,
Davie Pogue

Dear Santa Jobs,

I want people to like me. Or at least stop making fun of me for that picture in the Times.

And a big pony.
Stevie Ballmer

Wha? Whazzat? Huh? Oh. Oh. Okay, okay.

I wan’… I wan’…. I WAN’ THE ENTITY BACK! WHER’ THE CRAP DID ‘E GO?

Awwwwww….wha’ever man. Jus’ give me somma that whiskey.

An’ sombody make Gruber shut up ’bout that pony.

Jonny Maltz Moltz

Look, Steve. Oh, all right, “Santa Jobs”

I don’t know why you do this every year. It’s so… well, actually it’s just like you, but whatever.

Look, you have to get me back on “Dancing with the Stars”, alright? I was robbed last time. I was freakin’ awesome, but the judges couldn’t handle me. You own that network, right? So just pull some strings, maybe fire a few people. You’ve always liked firing people, right? Anyway, do what you gotta do, but get me back on the air. I gotta wicked need to dance, baby!

Oh, hey, also, could you get me some new tires for my Segway? It eats less than a pony, which is nice.

Woz

Dear Santa Jobs,

I would like peace on earth. But I can’t do anything about it myself, because I’m too busy waiting for the world to change. So if you could do that I would love it. Also, please put a hit out on Jack Johnson, Norah Jones, and pretty much anyone else who’s played at a MacWorld or WWDC keynote other than me.

Thanks,

Johnny Mayer

Feel free to write your own letter to Santa Jobs in the comments. It’ll be at least as effective as these letters.

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Answered Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we’re departing from our usual fare and offering you some tips for using the month of December to your advantage as a Mac user.

Q: So, this is what the top of a shark looks like…

A: Quiet, you.

Q: All right, I’ll bite¹ –

A: Hey! Only I get to write footnotes!

Q: –Ignoring that… Okay, so, what sage advice do you offer as proof that you aren’t just wasting time and space with this article?

A: There are many unique opportunities in December for Mac Users! Lots of App bundles come up about this time every year, and there’s the sales on hardware, and hard drives, and hard games…

Q: So, you want us Mac users to take full advantage of…low low prices all across the internet?

A: Well, it’s also a time for bragging. I mean, let’s say you’ve got a family member who sends out a holiday dvd full of pictures of their kids in various activities all year, and then expects a nice, complimentary email praising their skill and my how little Jennifer has grown, hasn’t she? Well, as a Mac user, you can totally show them up by using iMovie to make your own holiday video, then host it on Mobile me, along with all your pictures and a thoughtfully-written blog. Then you can send a beautifully-themed email from Mail using one of Apple’s “stationary” options letting everyone know that your magnum opus is online, and they may view it at their convenience.

Q: So, we should take advantage of low, low prices AND use our Macs to make ourselves appear far superior to our PC-using relatives?

A: Well, yeah. I mean, isn’t that pretty much why you bought a Mac in the first place?

Q: Granted, but it doesn’t seem like that should have to wait until December.

A: It’s true. You should carry the spirit of Mac Superiority with you all the year round!

Q: I will! I will remember to use Mail and iMovie to look better than others! I will buy Apple’s OS upgrades and their new versions of iWork and iLife! I will keep the spirit of Mac Superiority in my heart, all the year!

A: Steve Jobs bless us, every one!

1. get it? Shark? Bite? Get it? [↩]

This Friday we return from our month-long retreat to Camp NaNoWriMo to answer some inFrequently Answered Questions, like we used to. Like a family.

Today on a very special episode of Friday iFAQ we tackle a sensitive subject: Windows 7 and Boot Camp.

Warning: some content may not be suitable for rabid Apple fans. Reader discretion is advised. ¹

Q: So I have a question about Windows 7. Why does it suck so bad compared to OSX? Looks like MUCKrosoft has three more versions to go before they get it right, eh? Eh? Am I right?

A: It certainly is a Microsoft product, yes.

Q: And what’s with the Microsoft counting system? 95, 98, Me, XP, Vista, 7? What’s that all about? I tell ya, their marketing department is almost as bad as their dev team! Awww yeah, they felt that one! ZING! Eh? Eh? Amiright? Awww yeah.

A: They have certainly had some difficulty finding and adhering to a naming system, heheh.

Q: Say, what’s the matter? We’re talking about Windows here. Why are you just sitting there? Where’s the fire, the pizazz? What’s wrong?

A: Oh it’s nothing. It’s fine. Say, that Steve Ballmer, what’s that all about?

Q: Yeah, look that’s great, but we can bash on Ballmer any time. But now it’s time to rip the new Windows a new one! Come on, let loose!

A: Okay, okay, here goes: ahem. No, not that. Okay, one more shot. Here goes: Wow, Windows still doesn’t have a built-in email client capable of connecting to Exchange Servers? What’s up with that?

Q: … I’m disappointed, I really am. I expected so much more from you. What are the children going to think, if they see you like this? It’s sad, so sad.

A: Look, it’s not a big deal. Macs still totally rock.

Q: So what is it then? I mean it’s not like you’ve started liking…. oh, oh no no no. That’s it, isn’t it? You, you don’t LIKE Windows 7, do you?

A: Look, it’s not a big deal–

Q: Bu- Wha- Why? How? How did this happen? What does this mean for us? For the site?

A: Look, I had to work with Windows 7 on a few projects in my grad school class this semester, and we just kinda, got along.

Q: Got along? With Windows? Why? What did OSX do wrong?

A: Nothing! OSX is still the number one OS in my life, and nothing will change that.

Q: Do the devices know?

A: Um, yeah. I’ve been dual-booting my MacBook Pro–

Q: Oh that’s just wrong–

A: And the iMac has been running Windows as well.

Q: And the iPod Touch? Have you dragged little Touch into your sick new world?

A: What? No! The Touch still syncs with my home iMac.

Q: Well, it’s good to see you’ve retained some sense of propriety.  But, still, saying that you like Windows 7? That’s just wrong. It’s like the world has just pulled out from under my feet… I gotta sit down.
[Sits down]
Well, anyway, the semester is over, so you can un-partition your drives and we can put this whole thing behind us, right?

A: Well…

Q: Oh, I do not like the sound of that…

A: It’s just that, well, I’ve only just started grad school, and there’s a lot of classes ahead of me that will be using Windows, so I’ll need to keep dual booting for a while…

Q: And that’s it? You’re just going over to 7 just like that? How did Windows get you under its spell? What is it about Windows that you like? Is it that new interface? It is, isn’t it? Prancing around all tarted up like some cheap French–

A: Now, you know OSX’s interface has always been enough for me! OSX is sleek, and stylish, Like Audrey Hepburn.

Q: And Windows 7 is painted and dolled up like Paris Hilton. Real operating systems are secure enough in themselves to not need all those alpha effects and glowing start buttons. But if what you are saying is true, and it’s not the slapped-on-with-a-trowel interface special effects, what is it? How did Windows steal your heart?

A: I told you, I’m still loyal to OSX. But, well, I’ll be working a lot with Windows in school and in my new job, so I want you to try to be nice and get along.

Q: Oh, so it’s a new job too, now? What about a new computer or two to go with your fancy new schooling and employment? Maybe a few Dells around the place–

A: Stop that!

Q: Perhaps an HP or two in the den, one for work, one for play, right?

A: Knock it off! There won’t be any Dells or HPs coming into the house. This is an all-Apple house and it’s going to stay that way. All I said is that Windows 7 isn’t that terrible. Sometimes a programmer needs to write some C#, and when that need arises Windows is there for me. And it’s important to me that you can accept that. MacBook Pro has accepted it, and so has iMac. What about you, Q? Can you accept that sometimes I’ll have to spend some time with Windows? Just for work purposes?

Q: Just for work? Promise?

A: I promise.

Q: Well… I guess I can accept that. But I don’t have to like it.

A: Deal.

[Cut to a interior shot of a kitchen. A celebrity² who needs to work off some community service time is seated at the table]

Parents, talk to your kids about dual booting before someone else does. Let them know the risks involved, and help them understand that healthy dual booting is done in moderation. Boot Camp doesn’t have to ruin your life. And remember, whenever you boot into Windows, use up-to-date anti-virus software. Thank you.

1. that’s two posts in a row with disclaimers. I don’t know. Maybe it’s me. [↩]
2. I'm thinking Jerry Seinfeld, as punishment for those terrible Vista commercials [↩]

Macworld’s Coverage of Apple’s tragic shift away from printers has led us to do similar research into other products Apple will never make again. Warning! This article may prove painful for people with strong, irrational personal connections to some of these products.

The Newton

Yes, it’s sad, but the Newton has gone, and will not return. Yes, there are people who say that the iPod Touch is the Newton for the 21st century, but those people are mentally ill and you should stop talking to them. That’s like saying that a MacBook Pro is the Babbage Analytical Engine for the 21st century. They are vaguely similar, but not similar enough for me to not want to hit you repeatedly for saying it. Apple stopped making the Newton because it was a stupid product and you should be ashamed for bringing it up in polite company. It’s like telling the story of how your dog got hit by a car in the middle of a business dinner with clients from many nations. Why was your dog even at a business dinner with clients from many nations? And how did the car get in the restaurant? Why haven’t you told me this story yet? It sounds fascinating.

HyperCard

HyperCard is also dead. No, Revolution is not the new Hypercard, Revoution is a bunch of Irish people trying to make money by selling an increasingly bloated scripting environment.  No, AppleScript is not revolution, AppleScript is more like Perl done strange.  You are a sad, strange person for still wanting your OS7-style scripted PowerPoint, and you need to get out into the fresh air a little bit more.  I should also get out into the fresh air a little more, but it’s like 4 degrees outside right now, and better you than me in that kind of weather.

Snood

Okay, I admit, you can still buy snood, but I really don’t know why you would. Is there some kind of strange mind-control subliminal messaging in that game? Why do people still play it? It’s kinda ugly and not really all that much fun. So, it should be dead, even if it isn’t.

Well, I admit that this wasn’t the most useful post on earth, and definitely didn’t make me any new friends.  But I also contend that it was at least as topical and sensible as Macworld’s three part series on printers that haven’t been made for a decade or more.  Have a nice day.