Crazy Apple News Site

Apple Reported Fourth Quarter Results yesterday, leaving reporters scrambling for good ways to express their financial situation to laymen.

“Seriously, they have a buttload of cash right now,” one analyst put it.  He then spent the next two hours trying to convince his editor that a “butt” is a large container used “back in the day”.

Peter Oppenheimer was typically restrained during the official conference call, stating that the company is “delighted with our September quarter and fiscal 2009 results.” Unbeknownst to people listening to the call, he was doing what Jony Ive later described as “an unholy melding of the Cabbage Patch and the Macarena” at the time he said this, while Steve Jobs was “joyfully firing interns”.

Out of a cannon.

“We can afford it,” was all he said.

The interns were unavailable for comment.  Unless “UUUuuuuUUUrrgh. My head!” counts as a comment.