Crazy Apple News Site

Frustrated by years of being unable to bring their animation-cum-game-creation technology to the iPhone platform, Adobe has announced plans to make Flash 5 capable of building iPhone apps.

“We expect that this will spell the end of native iPhone apps as we know them,” chortled Adobe’s CRAP¹ Dearth Maul. “Once Flash CS 5 comes out, people can start ignoring the “hard” Objective-C language and write their apps in our much more newbie developer friendly ActionScript!”

“OpenGL ES! Accelerometer support! Google maps! Native controls,” ranted Scott Forstall, SVP of iPhone Software, trying to convince people to use Apple’s tools for iPhone development, apparently by reciting random lists at them. “I mean, can Flash do 3D? No. Games based on tilting the device? No.  All Flash can do is 2D stuff, simple, brightly colored…Awww, crap. Who am I kidding? Freeverse will continue to make good games for the iPhone, everyone else will start making their crappy games in Flash, instead of just making  crappy games that look like they were made in Flash.  Crap.”

Peter Oppenheimer was quick to point out that Apple will still “get $99 up front and 30% in perpetuity” from Flash iPhone developers, just as they do from Objective-C iPhone developers.  These words did little to comfort the perfectionist Forstall.

“Still gonna look like crap,” Forstall muttered.

Normally this is where we would say that Apple was unavailable for comment, but with a long comment from Forstall we are left without a good ending to this article. Crap.

1. Chief Ruiner of Apple’s Products [↩]