Friday iFAQ Update: iTunes 9
Every Friday1 we publish a list of inFrequently Answered 2 Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.
Today we try to tone things down a bit and actually answer a few questions about iTunes 9: the little jukebox that could.
Q: So, I still have a question about Rock Mix 2: The Revenge of Backbeats in my Genius Mix list. It still plays “You Spin Me Round”3 by Dead or Alive like, five times an hour.
A: Are you accidentally listening to Sirius Satellite Radio Channel 8?
Q: How could you possibly make a mistake like that?
A: Ask my boss. But no, I see your problem is deeper than that. You have come to Apple seeking improvements, and instead you received bass-heavy dance songs that do not fit the un-european flair you were going for in your playlist.
Q: Florid, perhaps, but that about sums it up.
A: And then, when seeking comfort, guidance and solace from your favorite source of made-up news, you were not given an answer, but were instead subjected to several hundred words of gloating, the effect of which was not as the balm of Gilead to your wounded soul.
Q: I wasn’t going to say anything, but that is also true.
A: Fear not, brave traveler! For while we have been discussing your plight, my crack team of Ruby Ninja Androids have been analyzing your iTunes library, and it seems to me that they have found a solution!
Q: What! How? I’ve got, like, passwords and stuff!
A: They have their ways, and it’s best not to know about them. But fear not, for they shall only use their knowledge of your extensive collection of bootleg Dylan tracks for good.
Q: I’m still creeped out by the whole thing.
A: That is to be expected. But soft! An answer awaits!
Q: Really, on this site?
A: Indeed! There is a simple way to get rid of the faux-disco plague!
Q: Tell me!
A: Yes, an answer that even a simple mind such as yours could comprehend!
Q: And? What is it?
A: Simply remove the cursed song from your library and replace it with “Don’t You Forget About Me” as made popular in the Molly Ringwald hit movie “The Breakfast Club”! This track will take the place of the other, coarser song and you will be transported back to a simpler time, a time when breakfast was indeed enjoyed in clubs, or occasionally in the mall after walking fourteen laps around the place.4
Q: Ummm…Okay, I guess that works.
A: Indeed! And it’s so much easier than changing your listening habits drastically enough to convince the Genius that you don’t love listening to Dead or Alive ponder their similarity to a record.
Q: Would that work?
A: Indeed. Listen to enough Vivaldi, Handel, Chopin, Mozart, and Toad the Wet Sprocket and you will find the crazy hair bands of the 80′s are replaced by the crazy hair guys of the Baroque, Classical and Romantic periods, and the actually-quite-normal-hair guys of the nineties.
Q: Actually, now that I think about it, I kinda like that song. Lot’s of synthesizer, super pretentious…
A: That works too.
- More or Less [↩]
- Thanks to Ace for the new, much more Apple-y, much more appropriate name [↩]
- The video is worth it just for the guy’s hair [↩]
- I used to work in a mall. Lots of people did laps in there, then got breakfast at Cinnabon. [↩]
Hmmmmm…….iTunes 9…….not gonna update. Still running Tiger.
That’s weird, I thought “The Breakfast Club” was an Ally Sheedy hit movie. You know, the girl who caroused with a sexbot in “Short Circuit.”