Crazy Apple News Site

Apple’s Phil Schilller has recently been sending polite emails to bloggers who have problems with the iPhone, which is good. But none of these missives have dealt with the main problem we here at CANS have with the high-tech device, so we’re going to rant about it here until Apple takes action.¹ Because that’s the kind of public-spirited, watchdog source of invented news we are.

So, Apple talks about their commitment to the developers and iPhone owners. They have demonstrated their drive to make the iPhone the number one personal communications device through excellent marketing. They built an easy-to-shop² App Store, and continued in their tried and true pattern of making truly excellent products.  But they have missed one key element, one essential piece of the puzzle that, if left unchecked, will be the entire downfall of the iPhone’s empire, and we call upon Apple to set it right at all costs. ³

The problem is this: Nobody at CANS has an iPhone!  None of the Ruby Ninja Androids, not Nate, not….well, that’s the whole staff, really.  But none of us are iPhone owners, and if Apple doesn’t take drastic steps to remedy this situation we will be forced, as Steven Frank was, to utterly boycott the iPhone.  Needless to say, this will lead to the sort of financial problems that shuttered other great companies. For example, nobody at CANS was a customer at Enron, and look what happened to them!  And the same thing is true of Apple products:  Know why the Newton died? Because not a single CANS editor owned one! Case closed!

And yet Apple continues, blithely ignoring this threat to the very existence of their beloved iPhone, not doing the one simple thing that would put them on sure, solid ground: sending us a free iPhone 3GS and paying our AT&T contract for a year.  We estimate that this one simple, cost effective move would ensure a 100% increase in the iPhone’s market share⁴.

We call upon Apple to rectify this situation immediately.⁵

1. Or we get a nice email from a senior executive. [↩]
2. but somewhat less easy-to-stock [↩]
3. Free mixed metaphors,5-7pm nightly [↩]
4. at CANS HQ [↩]
5. or at the very least have Mr. Schiller send us a nice email explaining that they’ve taken our views on board and are considering it. [↩]