Crazy Apple News Site

Apple’s not-actually-announced-yet-but-it’s-totally-real-guys-seriously tablet device will be able to everything you ever wanted ever, predict many sources.

“This device will be usable by everyone everywhere. It will have 3G speeds on EDGE networks, and freeway gas mileage even in downtown NYC! Millions of starving children in Ghana will be able to use it to do their classwork without learning Linux or SmallTalk on one of those ghetto green lappy things,” asserted John Gruber, Walt Mosseberg, and David Pogue, in unison. Pogue continued, “And then the Enterprise will show up because we finally built a PADD, just like the one Wesley Crusher used!”¹ However, this is not predicted to have any effect on Will Wheaton’s Whining Ways²

“Dude, I stopped whining about leaving Star Trek when I wrote that “Geek” book,” Wheaton said. But we were busy trying to get back to the point of this article.

Steve Ballmer was dismissive of the as yet unannounced high-technology device, claiming that the beta weather-control module was “only 89% effective at re-structuring storm systems” and the “code for the lead-to-gold transmogrifier is really ugly. Hey Apple, the Dark Ages called, they want their technology back!” When pressed³ Ballmer admitted that he “hadn’t actually seen either of these components,” but he was “totally sure that they would suck, just like the iPhone”.

Not so, says every other technology news site ever. According to “trusted sources” quoted by the rest of the web, the new iSlate/iTab/MacSlate/McRib/MacTablet/MacPlate will have the following features:

• Telepathy
• Gorgeous new interface based on supermodels
• Gorgeous new supermodels based on the interface
• Gorgeous new Phil Schiller
• the first ever 8-finger “gesture”
• 8 actual fingers
• Side of fries
• Web cam
• Super-advanced webcam software that prevents users from posting embarrassing videos to YouTube
• QuickerTime
• FREE PONY!

And several thousand other amazing features.

the new product is expected to be released every day from today until somtime next year.

1. Pogue actually speaks with hyperlinks like that. It’s kinda freaky. But very web 2.0 [↩]
2. WWWWWA? (What Would Will Wheaton Whine About?) [↩]
3. not a task for the faint of heart [↩]