Crazy Apple News Site

Apple humor columnists have been laid a stymie recently with Microsoft’s announcement that they will be opening their own retail outlets.
“The problem isn’t having something to say about these impending train wrecks,” said the Macalope, “the problem is knowing where to begin. It’s like trying to take a brand new Mac Pro and a 30″ Cinema Display out to your brand-new luxury sedan. You just can’t leave anything behind, but you don’t want to carry it all, in case you drop something.”

“This is more ground than any of us can cover alone,” cried John Moltz, proposing a new joint humor campaign to fully exploit the comedic potential of the guaranteed failure. However, the erstwhile CARS editor-in-chief then realized that starting and abandoning yet another blog would cut drastically into his time spent drinking sexy techno-whisky, and decided to cut out the middleman and abandon the plan instead.

“They haven’t got a [expletive deleted] snowball’s chance in [incredibly long string of expletives deleted]” ranted John Gruber, who isn’t a humor columnist per se, but is still pretty funny.

Fortunately, while those of us who are dedicated to making light of all things Apple were overcome by the majesty of Microsoft’s proposed flop, others were able to handle the situation with aplomb. From all of us to both of you, our thanks.

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This Week: Plex: all media for ever and ever amen.

Q: I hate Front Row!

A: Fight the power!

Q: All it shows me is things I already have!

A: And trailers!

Q: I want something that shows me something else. Something new!

A: Something strange…

Q: Something different…

A: Poorly made YouTube parodies of famous songs…

Q: Low-bitrate movies…

A: The last five episodes of “The Simpsons”…

Q: Web Comics…

A: And most of all, I want it to hijack the Apple Remote!

Q: Like stealing a Jedi’s Lightsaber!

A: Yeah!…Er, no, no, that doesn’t make any sense.

Q: And we were doing so well. Oh well.

A: We were. So, to sum up: you want a multi-media powerhouse on your Mac.

Q: Yes. And it needs to be tastefully done.

A: Of course.

Q: And not too expensive.

A: Right, right.

Q: And with a little path…

A: Look, just say “ni!” and get it over with, alright? I ain’t cutting anything down with a herring.

Q: I uh, I don’t know what you’re talking about…

A: Riiiiight. Anyway, I think I can solve your problem.

Q: Great! That’ll save me thousands in therapy costs.

A: Maybe not that problem.

Q: Oh well. Doctor said we could cut back to three sessions a week if I promise not to say the words “penguin on your TV” this week…drat.

A: …Aaaaaanyway, What you want is Plex! That’s right Plex, with new addititve GLC 9424075¹ …

Q: whose side are you on? Stop that! And anyway, it’s “after 6 p.m., 9424047“, not 8

A: My mistake. Anyway, Plex, regardless of additives, is an open-source media thingy. It hijacks your Apple Remote, lets you watch YouTube and Hulu and Netflix and all that stuff–

Q: That sounds exactly perfect!

A: And only crashes about once every three launches.

Q: Not so perfect, then.

A: Not yet, no. But with your continued support of the project, soon Plex will be giving Front Row a run for it’s money in both the features category and the non-sucking category!

Q: what do you mean by “support”?

A: Oh, just any little gesture of appreciation… you know, anything you can do…

Q: I’m afraid I don’t follow you…

A: Look, couldn’t you just give them a dollar?

Q: Yes, but you see, I don’t know what it’s for.

A: Well, they’ll use it to help other people work on Plex.

Q: No, no, no, I don’t follow this at all, I mean, I don’t want to seem stupid but it looks to me as though I’m a dollar down on the whole deal.

A: Gotcha!

Q: … Drat.

1. after 6 p.m., 9424048 [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week, in a very special Friday iFAQ, we help you deal with fatty Mac syndrome with XSlimmer.

Q: I have a problem.

A: I have a solution.

Q: If we apply your solution to my problem…

A: It will precipitate. But we are not in chemistry class. Tell me about your problem.

Q: Well, it’s about my Mac…

A: Go on.

Q: It’s hard drive, well, its hard drive space is getting, differently free.

A: As in, “It’s now free to store a whole bunch of stuff, and free from a bunch of new writes, because of all the stuff on there?”

Q: Yeah. That kind of free.

A: Out of curiosity, and I ask not to judge but to help, how long does it take your Applications folder to open? And when it does open, how long does it take to scroll from “Automator” to “Utilities”?

Q: Erm… Well, it’s not quick, sometimes.

A: Fond of the ol’ apps, are we?

Q: I know it’s a problem! I mean, I keep saying I’ll only download one more, but, well, MacUpdate just keeps putting them up there!

A: Word Processors, Text editors, image editors, “snippet” programs, are these the sort of thing?

Q: Well, those, and games. And a few clipboard programs. And a new browser or two every once in a while, to settle my stomach.

A: Hmmm. I see.

Q: Is there any help for me?

A: Well, I would recommend you lay off the virtual machine programs and font managers, but I do think we can help reduce your…overload substantially right now.

Q: Naaah, I’ve tried those uninstaller programs. App Zapper, Hazel, the works. I just keep adding the apps back in after I delete them!

A: Ah, but this isn’t an app remover! This is XSlimmer. It works with your apps to free up hard drive space naturally!

Q: But how does it work?

A: XSlimmer contains a natural blend of algorithms that help you remove unwanted languages and hardware architectures from your apps. You see, most apps contain both PowerPC and Intel instruction sets, which results in large apps that are hard to digest.

Q: Wow!

A: In addition, many apps are designed to be used worldwide, which means that they have resources in many languages stored within the app. And unless you speak all those languages, many of those resources are just taking up space. Space you could be using for more apps!

Q: Tell me more!

A: Oh I will. XSlimmer asks you what languages you speak, and automatically determines your processor type, then removes everything you don’t need from the app. Don’t speak Esperanto?

Q: Who does?

A: Than the Esperanto language options are gone? Using a G5?

Q: You know it!

A: Then off with the Intel code! And just like that, your apps are slimmed as much as 50%!¹

Q: Wow! Where can I get this magic madness?

A: The Internet! For only $12.95 you can be on the way to a trimmer, healthier, happier mac. Buy now! Paypal is standing by. ²

1. Your results may vary. These statements not approved by the USDA or Apple or anyone else. See your doctor if you develop any symptoms, or your AppleCare warranty support provider if you Mac does. [↩]
2. Note: This article was not sponsored by XSlimmer. But it really should have been. [↩]

From AppleInsider:

Taking aim at Google’s new strategy, Ballmer told the crowd, “I don’t know if they can’t make up their mind or what the problem is over there, but the last time I checked, you don’t need two client operating systems. It’s good to have one.”

From the CEO of the company that brings you Windows XP, Windows Vista (5 versions) and Windows 7 beta, all on sale now!

Following yesterday’s announcement about Apple’s retroactive releases, a group of people decided to forge their way into the past and start the open-source Classilla project.

According to their website, the Classilla project is in love with the very European, very OS9-friendly iCab browser; a program that has been ready for 1989 for the past five years.

Classilla is designed to bring the modern benefits of Mozilla-based browsers back to people still living in the 90′s, thus freeing them from the terrors that we all lived through in those days.¹

It’s heartwarming to see people following the great ones at Apple and push the boarders backwards as well as forward.  If this trend continues we can look back and see a day where nobody using a Mac will have ever had to utter the words, “I just installed Internet Explorer on my Mac!”

1. That’s right. I’m looking at you, blink tag! And don’t try to shuffle off the page, marquee!  You know what you did. [↩]

Editor’s Note: Our Usual Friday iFAQ this week was somehow replaced with this “Monday FAQ” which comes from SANS, the Sane Apple News Site.  So enjoy what might have been…

Every Monday we publish a list of Frequently Asked Questions, to help you, the Sane Apple user, get more from your Sane Apple products.

This week: Excel, the best spreadsheet program ever from that underdog software developer, Microsoft.

Q: Why have I never heard of this program?

A: With iWork being the dominant office productivity suite, other office suites often get overlooked.  Microsoft has recently released a new version of their Office suite, and Excel has many features that put it head and shoulders above Numbers.

Q: Microsoft? I thought all they made was Zunes!

A: The popularity of the Zune has led many to believe that.  But they make more than the #1 music player in the world. They even have an operating system, called “Windows” that has gained a bit of traction lately, ever since they turned the code base over to the open source community.

Q: Why would anyone use anything other than OSX?

A: It’s hard to believe, but some people like to go out into the rough and deal with OS’s that crash a lot and get viruses.

Q: What? What’s a virus? Like, using “Windows” will give you a cold?

A: Hahaha, no not quite. They’re not common, but computer viruses¹ are small programs that install themselves on a computer and then try to spread to other computers.  Windows is pretty susceptible to these programs, and some people find a thrill in trying to protect their computer from them.

Q: Why don’t they just play tower defense games?

A: It is a mystery.

Q: Anyway, what  was this about a spreadsheet program that’s better than Numbers?

A: Oh, I didn’t say it was better, just taller.  Well, fatter.  Well, it takes up a lot more RAM and hard drive space, and doesn’t really work all that well on Macs.  Microsoft says it works better on Windows, but even Excel can get viruses.

Q: So it’s harder to use, less elegant, wastes space, and RAM?

A: That’s about the size of it, yeah.

Q: That means I can get less work done and blame it on my software!  This is great!  I’ve got to get my whole office to switch over immediately! This non-stop productivity has been driving me crazy! It even cut into my latest surfing trip to Hawaii with my photogenic friends!  Now I can finally stall and procrastinate!  Oh, thank you!

A: Glad to help.

1. or, if you want to be pedantic, virii [↩]

Cupertino, California – Apple Inc., the makers of the wildly popular iPod and iPhone portable devices announced today that they will be launching an operating system that “will have changed the way we use comptuers” in 1984.  The announcement comes just hours after Google announced that they will be releasing a new operating system in the future.
“We have two major releases scheduled,” said Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple. “One, in 1984, changed the way people thought about computers, moving from a command-line interface to a more elegant and user-friendly “Graphical User Interface” that had never been seen before in a “personal computer”  We will have been very proud of this, and considered it a major leap forward.

It is also possible that Apple will join Microsoft and Google in releasing operating systems in the future. However, when Google Chrome launches in 2010 the release of Snow Leopard will also be in the past.
 

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week: MacJournal, yet another text database from Mariner Software.

Q:….

A: Um, hello?

Q: Dear Diary, I’m so glad I have a place to store my thoughts, safe from the world, away from those that judge me.

A: Actually this is out on the web, I don’t know if you are typing in the right window.

Q: It was another hard week! People can be so mean sometimes! >:( They don’t think about how others feel when they talk, and so they just say things. I guess I’m rambling, but it’s just hard.

A: Look, this is supposed to be about MacJournal, not an actual journal entry.

Q: Still, I know that I’m doing my best, and that’s what matters, right? I mean, who cares if it’s good enough for all those others? I’m a valuable person! I shouldn’t have to worry about them, right?

A: Right! Sing it.

Q: …Well, I can tell myself that all I want, but it doesn’t heal the hole in my heart that they caused with their thoughtlessness. I understand what Simon and Garfunkel meant when they sang about being a rock, an island. Some days I just want to curl up in my room and eat rocky road ice cream straight out of the carton all day.

A: We’ve all been there. Except I prefer Neapolitan.

Q: But I don’t. That would be letting them win! So I stand back up, put the spoon down, take a long, hot bubble bath, put on my best dress and heels, do my makeup and go out to face the world!

A: Good job, sister! Don’t let ‘em get you down!

Q: Oh don’t I wish. Every time I try that, they just laugh harder. But some day, some day, they’ll all respect me.

A: We respect you. You go girl! We got your back.

Q: Well, tomorrow’s another day, I guess. I’ll write more then, but now it’s time to get into my jammies. I know you’re just a program, but thanks again, MacJournal! You’re my best friend.

A: No problem.

Q: Love and kisses
XOXOXOX
Steve Ballmer

Every once in a while I come across something so grand, so amazing, that I have to pass it on unedited¹ Today this gem comes from Mr. Maliki! of Wondermark.com  He found some classic humor, to which I must respectfully doff my hat and hope to imitate.  His post “True Stuff: Metahumor from 1927” ends with “A Criticism of the Theatrical Criticism in this Morning’s Paper” which is everything I wish I could be. Don Herold, I may fly higher than an eagle, but you, you are the one who did it 92 years earlier than me.

1. but not uncommented upon [↩]