Crazy Apple News Site

With the latest incarnation of Apple’s iPhone OS all up ons, people around the world are finding ways to celebrate the coming of spotlight searches and third party game accessories. From the usual fruit bats who are naming their children things like “1st Gen, 3G, and 3GS” to the more nontraditional fruit bats who are tattooing images of all their iPhones’ backsides on their own backsides, people everywhere are feeling the pull of Apple’s latest and greatest, and preparing to either get it free or pay ten clams, depending on their circumstances.

And it goes without saying that the major cities of the world are hosting launch parties: all night orgies of anticipation; gatherings of the faithful waiting to add the small light of their devotion to the luster of their devotee, seeking solace in one another’s presence, finding safety from the jeers of the uninitiated, and enduring the long watches of the long night together, hoping for a brighter dawn, or at least the ability to shake their iPod Touch to shuffle.

Against our better judgment, we¹ made the trek down to the convention center/hotel lobby where the SLIP-UG² had gathered. The air was thick with Wi-Fi signals and AT&T branded radiation. The Androids could feel it, and it seemed after a while that I could almost see it, the thousands of SMS messages wanting to be MMS messages, the Twitter posts ((the , the direct-to-device downloads, all streaming into and out of the room through the æther like millions of subatomic fireflies, dancing in their particulate waves, coming and going in nearly constant, but incredibly orderly and inexplicably stylish, data transfer by Apple.

At first I was confused that no one approached me directly, indeed, my presence seemed to confuse and slightly annoy the people around me. It wasn’t until I got my iPod Touch onto the free wireless that I was contacted by another person, via my device’s chat client.

“Welcome, Nate’s Touch! I’m Ryan’s iPhone! Glad you could make it!” I looked around. This was some amazing Bonjour trick that I hadn’t expected, and still nobody seemed to be making eye contact, even while they were making iContact.

“Your user is looking for Ryan, I’m guessing. He needn’t bother. Ryan and I are in the building somewhere, but we don’t know where you are, and as long as you’re on the network, that’s good enough. Your user was good to bring you here, but this event is for you, not for the one who carries you around.” This was getting a little weird, but fortunately another joined our somewhat surreal chat.

“Ryan, I told you to stop that. You scare off the newcomers. Hi! I’m guessing your name is Nate. I’m Dan. Welcome to our party! There’s a lot to do, and now that you’re connected you can get in on the action much easier.”
Dan (who showed up in the chat as “Dan’s 3GS“) then sent me a list of activities, ranging from “3.0 programming tips” to “Pimp my iPhone” contests. I noticed that I was too late for the “iPhone and Owner lookalike contest”, but was warmed to see that “iPhones and iPod Touches are both welcome here. We don’t discriminate based on carrier, case material, or processor speed.” The feeling waned a bit when I saw in smaller print, “iPod Classics need not apply.”

I wandered through the crowd, lost and bewildered, connected and yet disconnected, and gradually a feeling stole over me, a realization that warmed me, validated me, and left me giddy and excited, a thought that summarized everything that is the Apple ethos:

“It sure beats the Linux Users Group meetings!”

1. meaning me and a couple of androids; no royal “we” here, Ace [↩]
2. Salt Lake iPhone User’s Group [↩]