Crazy Apple News Site

It’s CANS first birthday! And what better way to celebrate this momentous occasion than with a flashback episode?  Walk down memory lane with me as we review some of the previous year’s best moments.

Who can forget the introduction of Grug, the Freeverse Technical Support Orc?

A: …Grug not from third-world country, Grug orc.

Q: What?

A: Grug orc from Hordes of Orcs. Freeverse too cheap to pay employees, so make game characters do work.

Q; I thought that redhead they’ve always got all over the site does all the tech support.

A: Grug not think so! She just model, never do any real work around office.

Q: Wow, that’s rough.

A: Nah, Grug pretty happy. At least have desk job.

Q: As opposed to…

A: You ever play Hordes of Orcs? Imagine from our perspective: “Okay Grug, walk out there. Don’t worry about arrows, fire, radiation, walls, or fact that player take all your money when your head explode.”

Q: Yesh. That sounds….Kinda fun, actually. Why do you orcs throw your money when you die?

A: Can’t help it! Last thought usually “Can’t take it with me!”

Or the in-depth reporting we did on the pre-launch parties for Mobile Me:

But not everyone shares Bob’s trepidation. Bob hoards his trepidation, keeping it locked away, safe within a strongbox deep in his soul.

“With the coming of Me we shall all finally be able to transcend the myth of physical forms, not to mention have our contacts available to us from any Mac or PC. Yes, as we embrace the Me in the Cloud, the purely physical me, the one that doesn’t take stylish vacations to Cancun or Whistler, the one that doesn’t match Apple’s vision of humanity, will be left, a shell sitting in a chair in front of a late-model G5 iMac, while our spirits dance among the servers in Cupertino.”

Of course, it wasn’t all rocky product releases and accented tech support this year. We also saw the passing of one of the great ones of Open Source, Mr. Richard Stallman:

“We brought him into a nice living room with Charles in Charge on the TV. He loved Charles in Charge…” Raymond paused for a moment, his eyes moist. “Sorry… Anyway, while he was distracted by the antics of the lovable Scott Baio and Nicole Eggert, a technician came in behind him and injected 40,000 lines of pure Windows ME source code into his beard. Richard was gone before the second commercial break.”

But even death couldn’t keep RMS down, and he came back for a guest editorial, giving us all a little peek into the afterlife:

So does that mean that I, the reanimated corpus of RMS, have started using an iMac to do all my otherworldly programming and checking my email? No. I use the real æthernet, a network the likes of which you mortals cannot comprehend, to transmit my thoughts as data structures directly to those that need them. It’s like wireless, but far, far spookier and cooler. Also we get, like, 9800GBps transfer rates, so my BitTorrent ratio has gone up quite a bit.

Add in a some Fairy Magic:

And the King thought, and brought forth Music that the people could carry, and all was good. And he thought again, and the beautiful company built computers in the Air, and all was good. And at last he thought his greatest thought, and brought forth a new device, one that combined the Music, and the Air, and let people talk to other people across great distances. And the people rejoiced, for the new device was amazing and powerful. At length the beautiful company let others create programs to run on the device, and the rejoicing increased. True, it was hard to develop software for the beautiful device because the beautiful company only wanted beautiful software. And true, the beautiful device was a little expensive, but people were happy to buy it because it was so great.

and some executive cookies:

Since the launch of the new Mobile Me platform Apple has extended all users’ accounts by at least 90 days, as an apology for the flawed and awkward rollout process. But that just isn’t enough for Steve Jobs, who in a recent meeting decided that the executive board of Apple need to take this “to the next level” and personally apologize to each and every Mobile Me subscriber by bringing them a plate of cookies.

And it adds up to a pretty good year.

Well friends, I would like to thank you for your continued support and readership. Here’s to a happy second year of CANS!