Crazy Apple News Site

The launch of the newest iPod Shuffle-initially slated for this September-may be delayed, if the following transcript from the boardroom at One Infinite Loop is correct.

[Phil Schiller enters the boardroom. Peter Oppenheimer is already there, looking under tables, chairs, in cabinets, etc.]

Phil: Hey, Pete. Whatcha doin’, eh?¹

Peter: Phil! Hi! Oh, nothing, nothing. Just um..[looks in three or four drawers]…looking. For. For…something.

Phil: Oh? What is it, maybe I can help.

Peter: It’s nothing, I’m sure I’ll find it. Don’t trouble yourself. I’m sure you’ve got a lot of…marketing to oversee, or something, I wouldn’t want to trouble you.

Phil: Ah, I can use a break. Seriously, what’s got you so worked up?

Peter: Well, It’s… see, Jony loaned me the latest prototype of the next iPod Shuffle, and, well, I think I set it down in here somewhere.

Phil: Wow! Jony’s gonna be livid if he found out you lost it, huh?

Peter: I know! That’s the problem! I gotta get it back before he asks about it.

[Jony Ive pokes his head around the door]

Jony: Pete, I told Tim and Steve that you were testing out the new Shuffle for me. They’re really excited. So give it a good test, make sure it’s exactly what we wanted, okay?

Peter: O-okay, Jony, no problem! It’s really great! I’m sure they’ll love it.

Jony: Okay then. Well, see ya later. I gotta go get back to work on the new MacPad. Really, you think someone in marketing could have come up with a better name for a revolutionary tablet device [continues talking as he leaves the room and walks down the hall]

Phil: Ooooooh boy! That was close for you!

Peter: I know, I know! Stop talking and help me find it before Tim comes asking about it, okay?

Phil: Okay, okay! What’s it look like?

Peter: That’s the thing, it looks like a regular pair of iPod headphones.

Phil: What?

Peter: Yeah, see, that’s the big surprise. Jony and Papermaster and them managed to build an entire iPod into the little volume control thingy on the headphone cable. You can plug your shuffle into any other device, or you just listen to it by itself.

Phil: So, you left a prototype of a brand new iPod that looks like a pair of headphones on a desk… oooh, you’re dead, Pete.

Peter: Shut up, Phil!

Phil: I mean, good thing white earbuds are so rare, all we have to do is find someone with a pair and we got it, right?

Peter: Shut up, Phil!

Phil: Hey, hey, when you get fired, can I have that really cool chair you got at the Christmas party last year?

Peter: I’m not gonna get fired, Phil. Just help me find the prototype and everything will be fine. Okay, so, besides you, me, and Jony, who else has been in this room today?

Phil: I don’t know! It’s not like I keep track of everyone who comes in and out of the conference room. Anyone could have been here. Delivery people, secretaries, that cleaner guy…

Peter: Wait, you mean that new guy? the one who looks like Basil Rathbone after a hard night?

Phil: Yeah…

Peter: The one who looks like he’d take anything not nailed down?

Phil: I guess so…

Peter: The one who stole the prototype of the new iPod Shuffle, possibly with plans to sell it to Microsoft?

Phil: Yeeeeaaaah, yeah, he does kinda look like a spy, doesn’t he? Kinda shifty lookin’, huh?

Peter: How are your marketing skills these days, Phil? Pretty persuasive?

Phil: Just call me the carpenter, Pete, ’cause I’m gonna do me some framing. But it’s gonna cost ya.

Peter: What? Whaddya mean?

Phil: I want that chair you got for the Christmas Party last year.

Peter: You drive a hard bargain, Phil. It’s yours.

Phil: The carpenter is on the job!

1. Remember, he’s Canadian! [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week: yet another great way to resize movies you own onto your iPod: DVD Remaster Pro!

Q: Can I steal movies with this program?

A: NO.¹

Q: So, it’s got some kinda super-intelligent Apple-powered “I only make legal copies” thing goin’ on?

A: YES.²

Q: Wow. This is kinda refreshing. So, if Tim Cook says that Apple “Isn’t making a netbook”, but that they’re “watching [that] space”, does this essentially mean that the Mac Tablet is a certainty?

A: BETTER NOT TELL YOU NOW.³

Q: So, was Steve Jobs just being a whiny baby when he said that he didn’t feel that Apple was appreciating him enough in connection with that stock option mess?

A: MY SOURCES SAY NO.⁴

Q: Does Oprah’s adoption of Twitter signify the death of that microblogging platform? And if so, what’s next, a blog where you can only write one word at a time?

A: CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN⁵

Q: Did you think that my previous question had anything to do with the Mac or the iPhone?

A: OUTLOOK GOOD⁶

Q: Do you think you’ll do another iFAQ like this?

A: YOU MAY RELY ON IT⁷

1. yes [↩]
2. no [↩]
3. probably [↩]
4. That’s a tough question. I’m sure he was feeling under-appreciated; I mean, he saved the company. But still, it could have been a cover-up for some shady deals. It’s hard to tell, exactly. [↩]
5. That’s two questions. Our first answer: who knows? but the “cool geeks” are going to move on, that’s for sure. As for your second question, we dont’ think that a shorter limit is what’s going to define the next small thing. It’s gotta be cool and easy. How it’s used is anybody’s guess. [↩]
6. Actually, we hate Outlook. But that’s just our little joke. While Twitter is not directly related to the Mac, the iPhone community and the Mac community have both been quick to jump on board the good ship Twitter, with David Pogue being just the most annoying example. (How many puns does he need on his twitter stream?) So it’s related-ish. [↩]
7. VERY DOUBTFUL [↩]

Much has been said about Oprah “officially” deciding to use Twitter, thus ushering in the end of the microblogging platform as a trendy thing that many people use and the beginning of the microblogging platform as a pure advertising vehicle.  However, very little has been said–perhaps appropriately– about Harpo joining the Twitter family.

“Twitter is perfectly suited for Harpo’s unique brand of communication,” said his agent on Monday. “After all, in all his movies, he never even spoke so much as a single word, so 140 characters is a luxury.”

And indeed, most of Harpo’s posts are spartan in nature. Consider the following example:

@Groucho: [Honks horn twice] @Chico: [shakes fist]

¹
And this one:

@Margaret_Dumont: [leers, then chases around pool]

It’s also not a coincidence that Harpo is “following” @Margaret_Dumont, @LillyRoth, and @BathingBeauties

Not surprisingly, the musical star has remained silent on Oprah’s use of Twitter, and on the topic of her blatant theft of his stage name. ²

1. Groucho’s response: @Harpo: Oh, so that's how you feel about it. If you'd told me before I wouldn't have asked. Chico’s response: @Harpo: Whatsa matter for you, eh, Pinky? I getta you a job, and thisa how you treat me? [↩]
2. Reports that this is because he is dead are well founded. [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week: The Hit List: Yet Another To-do List Program (YATDLP)

Q: Do we really need YATDLP?

A: Have you done everything you need to do?

Q: Of course not!

A: Are you putting things in contexts, basing your allocation of time on your roles and goals, and continually sharpening the saw?

Q: You’re mixing productivity paradigms, I think…

A: So what, now you’re saying it’s Covey or Allen, not both?  Because you’ve got it all figured out, I guess.  Well, I should just phone up Merlin Mann right now and tell him I’ve finally met the person who’s got it all together!  Won’t he be excited!

Q:  I didn’t say I have it all together! I just don’t see why I can’t use Todoist, Task Paper, Things, Remember the Milk or any of the other programs that are designed to keep me on task and doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Why do I need another one? What makes this one better?

A: Oh, so you don’t need new features? You think that AppleScript is passé, and you have absolutely no need to measure how long you’ve spent on a task. You’re just too good for that sort of thing, I suppose?

Q: I’m not saying that The Hit List doesn’t have good features, I’m just wondering where the trade-off is.

A: Or maybe you don’t need to sync with iCal… What trade-off?

Q: At what point do we start losing productivity to learning and re-learning our productivity software?

A: Wait, you…you mean, just stick with a system?

Q: Well, it was a thought…

A: So, just pick a product, get to know it, and just…use it?

Q: I wasn’t saying you couldn’t look at other software, I just thought…

A: I don’t think you’re serious about your productivity.

Q: Oh, I’m serious! I want to be more productive in the trendiest way possible, just like the rest of the productivity pack!

A: I should take away your moleskine journal and stack of index cards for even suggesting that the path to efficacy is so…so mundane.

Q: No! not my index cards!

A: Personal productivity is a quest, not a destination! You can’t just claim that you’ve suddenly found a program that works for you and just use it!

Q: No, of course not! You’re right! I’ve got to keep looking for better ways to do more, focus on the most important things, get things done, make friends, influence people…

A: That’s right. Keep those mantras flowing.

Q: …Move the cheese, melt the iceberg, praise Allen, Blanchard, and Mann, Hallelujah.

A: Hallelujah, brother.  Now go, use The Hit List in peace, compare it to other programs, and write blog posts weighing its merits and weaknesses.

Q: I will.

A: Good. We won’t speak of this again.

Not funny things are happening at CANS HQ. More when they stop.

For more information please see my personal blog, and the entry on this topic:

Natedickson.com

I arrived at the Salt Lake International Airport at my preferred time: 1.5 hours before my flight.  15 minutes later I was through security, even though my Black MacBook caused no small amount of confusion. “A Black, like, Mac? Is this real?” “Uh, yeah, I think they make those. I think I saw one this one time.”  After successfully re-assembling myself into a real person I stride off purposefully to my gate, secure in the knowledge that I am pre-checked in and good to go.  Then I stride purposefully to my new gate, because they moved my departure gate sometime between midnight and 9 am.  Once we go through the gate I notice that all the “gates” for these small planes go into the same hallway, which leads down to runway-level doors.  Why  I had to move I don’t know.

Once on the plane I try to watch the “Linear” movie that came with my purchase of U2’s latest album on my iPod Touch.  It is not enthralling; the director felt the need to put a full five minutes of a motorcycle burning in black and white in the film.  Maybe he just left three cameras running and didn’t want to waste the film, I don’t know. Whatever the case, the lady in the seat next to me taps me on the shoulder and says, “You can watch movies on your iPhone?” I’m not sure if she’s kidding or not, but I politely explain that yes, you certainly can.  She’s delighted and promises to tell her husband about this awesome advance in Apple technology.  Thus satisified that I have made a little more money for our favorite computer vendor, I switch movies (to Shrek.  I notice, sadly, that all the movies I have on my iPod are movies we bought for our kids. I can choose between Shrek, Toy Story, Cars, and Wall-E, all of which I have seen parts of recently except Shrek) and promptly fall asleep.

Landing in Kansas City, I laugh a confident and scornful laugh when they ask if I want a GPS unit with my rental.  I have a GPS unit now. It’s my G1 phone.  I make my way confidently out into traffic and am immediately lost.  My GPS on my G1 shows me exactly where I am at all times, but doesn’t offer many suggestions about getting back on track unless I pull over and re-figure my route.  My only comfort is that the iPhone doesn’t do much better right now.  But it will soon.

Once I find the route back to I-70 East I am free to look at the scenery, because all I have to do is drive due east for 2 hours.  Missouri looks just like Kentucky/Indiana/etc. in this regard.  Pretty. But not fascinating.  I start to get drowsy and start looking hard for a rest stop.  For most of the trip my GPS map is a blue line (my route) running along an orange line (I-70) with a blue dot on it (me) it’s also not fabulously interesting, except when the GPS gets confused about my location and reports that I am in fact in Ohio.  Unsure if this is really the phone’s fault or I’m just that tired, I pull gratefully into a rest stop and sleep for an hour.  When I awake I am magically back in Missouri, and I notice that my data connection, instead of saying “E” for Edge or “3G” for, well, 3G, says “G”.  Comforted that my data plan is safe for all audiences, I drive on, only slightly confused.

I find my hotel in record time and go to my room.  I love my room.  It is beautiful.  It has free internet¹  I connect over VPN to my work network so that I can be  safe in the knowledge that no one will see my blog post before I post it.  And safe in the knowledge that all my information has to bounce through Utah before hitting the rest of the web.  Paranoia: It makes every day an episode of “The Fugitive”.

Day 2:

Top secret meetings. All day.  I don’t even get a chance to take my laptop out of my bag once.  I spend the entire day in talks with a very nice German man and a woman from Wisconsin, who is also very nice.  Someone there makes the statement that Windows is the “most intuitive operating system” and I suffer a small fit of coughing and falling out of my chair.

After meetings I go eat at a place called Steak ‘n Shake. I get a burger, a shake, and some fries.  I also get the best service I’ve had at any restaurant ever.  My glass is never more than 1/4 empty, and each dish is cleared away within minutes of me being done with it.   I didn’t know burger joints worked like that anymore, and I leave happy and feeling like maybe the ol’ South (or the ol’ Midwest, depending on who you ask. I’ve heard both on this trip. I still say anything east of the Rockies can’t be called “the West”) isn’t so bad after all.

So, after a brief phone call from my wife I’m here writing a post that really doesn’t have a whole lot of apple related stuff in it.  I’ll see if I can’t work some clever Steve Jobs references in tomorrow.

Or maybe another shameless plug for MacHeist, which is offering free copies of Delicious Library 2 (Twice as Delicious as DL 1!) and Multiwinia (more evolved than Darwinia!) to purchasers of the MacHeist Bundle now, a real bargain at $39! (Purchase the bundle using this link and I get free software!) We’ll see. Thank you for being loyal readers and good night!

1. The hotel says there are three steps to connecting: 1.) turn on your computer. 2.) make sure your wireless card is on or plug in the Ethernet cable. 3.) use the Internet. [↩]

…Missouri.  We’re not going that crazy.

Yes, in less than three hours I will be on a plane headed for beautiful Columbia Missouri for a 3-night 4-day all-expenses-paid top-secret business trip.  Expect sporadic updates on Twitter¹ and occasional daily journals.  Yes, I know daily journals would be expected to happen daily. But you never know what perils I will face east of the Rockies!

So, if you know of any fun things to do in Columbia let me know in the comments, and if you actually live in Columbia, you’re probably a student at Ol’ Missou.

1. Look! There’s a Twitter thingy on the side of the site! [↩]