Friday iFAQ: GarageBand ’09
Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.
This week: GarageBand ’09: So You Want To Be a Rock Star
Q: I broke my arm. When I get my cast off, will I be able to play the piano?
A: Were you able to play the piano before the break?
Q: …You’re no fun.
A: Sorry. So, I’m guessing you’re excited about the Artist Lessons in GarageBand, right?
Q: Oh yeah. It’s like having Sting right in my house!
A: If that’s your idea of a good time…
Q: Sting is a very talented artist, and I feel that there is much to be learned from Sting, or John Fogerty, or Norah Jones, or the other artist-instructors.
A: Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry. Sting is a very talented artist. I’m sorry.
Q: I mean, who doesn’t want to play Roxanne?
A: Yes. Who indeed?
Q: Or “Thinking about You” by Norah Jones?
A: Now that is a good song.
Q: Yeah. Still, it feels like something’s missing.
A: What’s that?
Q: What if I want to play some really irritating guitar?
A: I see where you’re going with this…
Q: Yeah, what if I don’t want my guitar to “gently weep” so much as “whine like a tired toddler”?
A: Don’t do it, man! I’m warning you!
Q: There aren’t any super-irritating musicians on their list, and that’s a real shame, considering the state of music these days.
A: If you say his name he’ll appear. You know that, don’t you?
Q: Yes, what the GarageBand Artist Lessons list needs is a course in pretentious pseudo-musicainship from none other than–
A: Please, if you have any decency, stop now!
Q: –John Meyer!
John Meyer: Hello everyone! Did I hear someone say they wanted to learn how I crafted that amazing chord progression for “Your Body Is A Wonderland”?
A: AAAAAARGH! See what you’ve done?
JM: By creating a monotonous, nearly boring chord structure, I was able to emphasize the imperturbable nature of my protagonist…
Q: Ha ha, yeah! That’s what I’m talking about! Bore me, John! bore me like a comatose lizard!
JM: And my emphasizing the change from one “line” to the next I was hinting that…
A: Thaaaat’s it! I’m out. C’mon, readers. Let’s go.
Another Friday. Another week wasted. Mine, not yours.
Happy Friday the thirteenth! Again!
I would comment about John Meyer but I’m really not familiar with him or his music. Had you used Charles Ives or Frank Zappa, I’d have a lot to say since they are my favorite composers that tend to irritate people. Too bad they’re dead.