Crazy Apple News Site

Subpoenas filled the air as Tim Cook, Phil Schiller, and the other Apple Execs entered the room where they had been summoned.

Oh! May they all be acquitted,
Then brought up again, and acquitted! Oh! May they all be sued and acquitted,
Till we’re all too rich to move!

A bevy of lawyers sang as they entered the room.¹
“Gentlemen, welcome to the ‘We love Apple’ celebration! The Bar Association does hereby bestow upon Apple, Inc. The Golden Tort, and names Apple one of the best companies in America to sue, defend, or defend against!” said the Head Council², “Through Apple, their endless pursuit of creativity and the streams of people looking to get their piece of Apple’s pie, we have all seen countless new clients, new cases, and new ways to purchase BMW coupes. Thank you, gentlemen, thank you.”
At this a round of huzzahs went up, and the party began. Tim Cook accepted the Golden Tort, saying that he knew justice would be served, and he hoped dinner would too, Phil Schiller asked the head of Microsoft Legal if he was ready to play for the winning team yet, and everything was going fine until the back door swung open and a dark, skinny shadow entered.
“Stop!” roared Steve Jobs, for it was he. “I can’t believe this! Look at yourselves! Celebrating the endless, mindless, useless pack of halfwits claiming that their iPod exploded or violates their patent! How could you throw such a party… Without inviting me! Let’s get down!”
Another round of huzzahs echoed through the rafters and the entire group formed a conga line. Tomrrow there would be requests for clarification, and allegations, and obscure patents would be found, tested, and claimed to show that small businesses were years ahead of Apple in interface design, but for now, on this night, they had the dance.

1. like a murder of crows, any group of three or more lawyers not currently suing one another is referred to as a ” bevy” [↩]
2. lawyer equivalent of an MC [↩]