Crazy Apple News Site

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

Today, since the MacHeist Bundle is taking over our brains, we dedicate this to the most expensive 3 megabytes in the bundle: Kinemac.

Q: What can I make with Kinemac?

A: All sorts of things! And it will only take you a few minutes!

Q: Really?

A: Maybe. I’ve been playing with it for an hour and haven’t gotten anything productive to happen, but your mileage may vary.

Q: So it’s hard to use, then.

A: I didn’t say that. I said that I can’t make it do what I want it to do by just jumping in and playing around without reading the documentation or at least watching the tutorial video.

Q: So it’s really easy to use, but you’re too dumb to do it right. Is that what you’re saying?

A: …Look, let’s cut to the chase. Here’s what I’ve got so far: (Click here for the movie.¹ )

Q: Hey neat! Can you do other stuff?

A: Kinemac probably can. I can’t.

Q: What? Why not?

A: Bedtime. G’night!

1. I’m also too dumb to embed it into the post, apparently. [↩]

Subpoenas filled the air as Tim Cook, Phil Schiller, and the other Apple Execs entered the room where they had been summoned.

Oh! May they all be acquitted,
Then brought up again, and acquitted! Oh! May they all be sued and acquitted,
Till we’re all too rich to move!

A bevy of lawyers sang as they entered the room.¹
“Gentlemen, welcome to the ‘We love Apple’ celebration! The Bar Association does hereby bestow upon Apple, Inc. The Golden Tort, and names Apple one of the best companies in America to sue, defend, or defend against!” said the Head Council², “Through Apple, their endless pursuit of creativity and the streams of people looking to get their piece of Apple’s pie, we have all seen countless new clients, new cases, and new ways to purchase BMW coupes. Thank you, gentlemen, thank you.”
At this a round of huzzahs went up, and the party began. Tim Cook accepted the Golden Tort, saying that he knew justice would be served, and he hoped dinner would too, Phil Schiller asked the head of Microsoft Legal if he was ready to play for the winning team yet, and everything was going fine until the back door swung open and a dark, skinny shadow entered.
“Stop!” roared Steve Jobs, for it was he. “I can’t believe this! Look at yourselves! Celebrating the endless, mindless, useless pack of halfwits claiming that their iPod exploded or violates their patent! How could you throw such a party… Without inviting me! Let’s get down!”
Another round of huzzahs echoed through the rafters and the entire group formed a conga line. Tomrrow there would be requests for clarification, and allegations, and obscure patents would be found, tested, and claimed to show that small businesses were years ahead of Apple in interface design, but for now, on this night, they had the dance.

1. like a murder of crows, any group of three or more lawyers not currently suing one another is referred to as a ” bevy” [↩]
2. lawyer equivalent of an MC [↩]

Is cheaper than ever before, and still basically awesome. If you want to give a blogger a hand, please consider using the following link if you decide to buy it:

http://www.macheist.com/bundle/u/33343/

Friends, we are gathered here today, in this beautiful Infinite Loop Cemetery, to lay another Apple Product to rest. I know that many of us heard that AppleWorks’ End of Life was in 2007, and staunchly stayed with it, come what may. But when MacWorld broke the story today, we knew it was, indeed, the end. And so now, friends, let us look back at the life of AppleWorks; it’s successes, it’s highlights, and the lift it gave to iWork, who is here with us today.

AppleWorks, once known as ClarisWorks, shouldn’t be confused with its grandfather, also named AppleWorks. Like its grandfather, AppleWorks was serious, industrious, and ready to do business. But it wasn’t all spreadsheets and documents with ol’ AW. I think we all remember the “42 page bug”, a joke that always brought a smile to AW’s face, even as it caused heart attacks in the users who actually wrote 42 page papers.

And now, as we look around at the company that AppleWorks will have in this beautiful memorial garden, we see the seeds of greater things springing up from amongst the strong roots planted here. Just to the left of us is Newton’s headstone, still tended by iPhone and iPod Touch, who remember him with fondness. And I think we’ve all seen Revolution over by HyperCard’s mausoleum, clearing out the weeds and chasing off the fanatics who keep trying to bring HyperCard back as some kind of zombie on OSX. iWork, we are comforted by your presence here, and wonder if you could say a few words.

iWork: AppleWorks was always there for me. When I couldn’t open an ancient file from someone’s Performa, AW would come along and pop it open for me, then pass it over in a format I could understand. When I didn’t have a spreadsheet, it would step in and I knew I was covered. I always felt safe when AppleWorks was around, you know? Well, I’m no longer 1.0, and I’ve come a long way, but I’ll…I’ll miss AW. I think we all will. I guess…I guess that’s all I’ve got. Thank you.

Thank you, iWork. And now, a moment of silence, please, while we uninstall AppleWorks from the hard drive. It may no longer be in our Applications folders, but it will always be in our hearts.

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week: Bento, the database for people who don’t use databases.

Q: I run a local softball league…

A: Sure you do.

Q: …and I need to keep track of my players and their stats, averages, and addresses.

A: Uh huh. you’re a plant.

Q: No, seriously! I want to use Bento for my extracurricular activities!

A: Nnnno. No, you’re a FileMaker employee trying to talk up the whole “personal database” thing.

Q: C’mon, be a sport. Just help me merge my address book with my team roster so I can conveniently send everyone reminder emails, because I’ve also imported my calendar from iCal!

A: [Reading WIkipedia] Holy cow! Your company is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Apple, Inc. !

Q: We are not! My softball league is sponsored by the local power company. So we don’t have all that much money, and Bento seemed like a good way to capitalize on the power of my Mac without spending a whole bunch on new programs.

A: Mmmmhmmm. And I’m sure you’re just loving the “drag-and-drop” programming style. I mean, who does that? “Hey boss, I just drag-and-dropped a new version of the Safari browser, it’s got tabs on top now! and I sped up the JavaScript renderer!” “Great job! Good thing we don’t have to worry about code optimization!”

Q: I really don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m an accountant, and I like to play softball, and I have a Mac, and are you going to help me or not?

A: Look, Planty McShill, nobody, but nobody actually used Bento. Some people my download it. Some may actually buy it, but when you get down to brass tacks, it’s either a gussied-up version of the Address Book or it’s a dumbed-down relational database management system. Either way, it’s not a thing you “use” to “organize your life”. It’s more of a “symbol” of your “flock mentality” and you should be “ashamed of yourself.”

Q: I have a feeling this isn’t really the place to get help making my phone list part of a separate but accessible form.

A: That’s for sure. I’ve sure never been able to get it to work.

Q: I guess I’ll just go ask Dave down in Quality Assurance. After all, he wrote that feature.

A: I knew it! You do work for the company!

Q: And you have used Bento, or how would you know that you “couldn’t ever get that to work”?

A:…. Crap.

The announcement of new features for the iPhone OS yesterday stirred up a lot of excitement here at CANS HQ. Finally, the features we’ve been wanting, available, for the low low price of $9.95!

Yeah, you know the features we’re talking about.

Push notifications from Oracle!

Finally, your Oracle database can let you know when Larry Ellison is planning to mercilessly rip you off, or when you’re dangerously low on teddy bear eyes! These are groundbreaking features, folks! Never before have senior executives of bloated companies that pay upwards of $10,000 for features that MySQL gives you for free able to justify buying themselves a new toy on their expense account. We expect the Oracle app to sell for $300, with in-app purchases of things like “graphs” and “accurate data” going for only $100 each.

Which leads us right in to…

In App Purchases!

That’s right! Now you can rest safe in the knowledge that just because you bought an app doesn’t mean you’re done paying for it. I’m sorry, did you want all the levels to that game? Do you Sims need clothes? That’ll be another dollar, please. It is not without irony that the icon they chose while talking about his was a stack of nickels¹.

And If that one does’t get your motor running, how about….

Shake to Shuffle!

Yes, those of us who left our brand-new nanos in the dust to move to iPod Touches can now completely ignore playlists with just a few spastic flicks of the wrist! I used this feature on my nano far more than I care to admit. It’s amazing how quickly you can decide a playlist really isn’t what you want to listen to just now. And why do I even have all that Zappa music?

Indeed, just these three new features are enough to make me almost fall over with excitement, but we’ve only just scratched the surface! Get excited now, so you can pay $10 later! I will! I would prepay it now, if I could! Here I’m hoping that you think I’m being ironic, because I don’t want to reveal that I’m really excited about some of these features, and seriously, if Apple lets me pre-order, I will! I’m just that easy!

1. and presumably dimes [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week: GarageBand ’09: So You Want To Be a Rock Star

Q: I broke my arm. When I get my cast off, will I be able to play the piano?

A: Were you able to play the piano before the break?

Q: …You’re no fun.

A: Sorry. So, I’m guessing you’re excited about the Artist Lessons in GarageBand, right?

Q: Oh yeah. It’s like having Sting right in my house!

A: If that’s your idea of a good time…

Q: Sting is a very talented artist, and I feel that there is much to be learned from Sting, or John Fogerty, or Norah Jones, or the other artist-instructors.

A: Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry. Sting is a very talented artist. I’m sorry.

Q: I mean, who doesn’t want to play Roxanne?

A: Yes. Who indeed?

Q: Or “Thinking about You” by Norah Jones?

A: Now that is a good song.

Q: Yeah. Still, it feels like something’s missing.

A: What’s that?

Q: What if I want to play some really irritating guitar?

A: I see where you’re going with this…

Q: Yeah, what if I don’t want my guitar to “gently weep” so much as “whine like a tired toddler”?

A: Don’t do it, man! I’m warning you!

Q: There aren’t any super-irritating musicians on their list, and that’s a real shame, considering the state of music these days.

A: If you say his name he’ll appear. You know that, don’t you?

Q: Yes, what the GarageBand Artist Lessons list needs is a course in pretentious pseudo-musicainship from none other than–

A: Please, if you have any decency, stop now!

Q: –John Meyer!

John Meyer: Hello everyone! Did I hear someone say they wanted to learn how I crafted that amazing chord progression for “Your Body Is A Wonderland”?

A: AAAAAARGH! See what you’ve done?

JM: By creating a monotonous, nearly boring chord structure, I was able to emphasize the imperturbable nature of my protagonist…

Q: Ha ha, yeah! That’s what I’m talking about! Bore me, John! bore me like a comatose lizard!

JM: And my emphasizing the change from one “line” to the next I was hinting that…

A: Thaaaat’s it! I’m out. C’mon, readers. Let’s go.

The brand new, button-free iPod Shuffles were announced just yesterday, and already a bug has been found.

“So, you like, you like that Ricky Martin, do you? Yeah, he’s pretty stylin’, isn’t he? Pretty hot. Myself, I prefer something more mellow. Something like Marvin Gaye. Should I put some Marvin Gaye on for us to listen to?” One user reported his Shuffle to say to him during a skiing trip.

“I like knowing what song I’m listening to, but this is kinda creepy,” said Edward S. of Newport Oregon. “I didn’t even have any Marvin Gaye in my iTunes library. Now suddenly I’m listening to ‘Let’s Get It On’ in every playlist.”

Other users have reported that the new shuffle talks about sports, The latest movies, and even politics.

“I read on the BBC that President Obama favors Merit-based compensation for teachers. Myself, I prefer a more…” said one person’s shuffle in the middle of their John Meyer playlist. “Apparently when it heard the song ‘Waiting On The World To Change’ it decided I wanted to talk about changing the world.” the befuddled owner said.¹

Apple has acknowldeged that some of the new iPod Shuffles have developed what they are calling the “iThink syndrome: A condition affecting less than 10% of new Shuffles, where the iPod shuffle develops it’s own personality and opinions about your music library.”

“Actually, pretty much all iPods do this, ever since we added the genius feature,” remarked an Apple employee who asked to remain nameless.² “The new Shuffle is the first iPod that’s actually been encouraged to talk over your music, and it does so. Other iPods just pick their own favorite songs and play those more often when you shuffle your library.” I asked if this is what was causing my iPod to play “Roam” by the B-52′s in every “Genius” playlist, but she just said, “Why do you even have that song?”

A patch for iThink is expected in the next few weeks.

1. Anyone listening to John Meyer voluntarily is definitely befuddled. [↩]
2. Not from us. They actually asked their parents not to give them a name. Great idea for a short story; not particularly relevant here. [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

Today, in response to user input, we are doing our first ever iPhone App article!¹ So sit back and learn all about the many uses of the Kindle App for the iPhone!

Q: I can’t read me enough books!

A: Me neither!

Q: So I was six kinds of excited when the new Kindle app came out, because it meant I didn’t have to buy non-Apple hardware!

A: Very loyal of you. So you just loaded it into your iPhone or Touch and were glad you saved the $350, huh?

Q: Weeeeeell, I had to go buy a touch first.

A: But you were planning on buying one anyway, right?

Q: Nope, not really.

A: So, you bought an iPod Touch just so you wouldn’t have to buy a non-Apple Kindle.

Q: Yeah. I figured, I’ve already got a 120 GB Classic, I don’t really need another iPod, but books, well, that’s something different. I have to carry my Kindl…Touch and my Classic in different pockets, though. ²

A: You still use the Classic, even though you just bought a Touch. You must have a lot of music.

Q: Oh yeah! I’ve got, like 5 GB of songs on that bad boy. Do you know how long it would take to listen to all that?

A: About two and a half…

Q: Two and a half days!

A: So you have a 120 GB Classic in one pocket, nearly empty, and an iPod Touch in the other pocket, with no music, just the Kindle app.

Q: Wait, you can put music on an iPod Touch? I thought they were just for accelerometer games! That’s what the ads show!

A: Well, at the end of that first ad The Hands use Cover Flow to find one of my favorite albums ever,³ but yeah, that’s what the ads show.

Q: What else can you do with it?

A: Um… Everything? Check email, weather, keep your calendar, use different apps from the App Store besides the Kindle app…

Q: What? The App Store isn’t all just accelerometer games and fart sounds?

A: Well, that’s most of it, sure, but there are other things as well.

Q: Wow. Now I’m really glad I bought the Touch instead of a real Kindle. I figured the extra price was worth it just for the color screen, but now…wow. Just wow.

A: And we wonder why we’re in a recession.⁴

1. Except for the Fromage one. So we’re really doing our first ever iPhone app iFAQ [↩]
2. Because they fight. You didn’t see it in the last article, but the Classic makes fun of the touch for not having a click wheel. [↩]
3. Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots by The Flaming Lips [↩]
4. Also introducing: My first ever political commentary! And probably my last! [↩]

With the release of the newest versions of the iMac, Mac Pro, and Mac mini lines, the Mac mini has been changed from an underpowered, “me too” system into a much more powerful “me too” system. Sporting a brand new NVIDIA chipset and up to 4 GB of RAM, the mini is now actually useful. We went to our local Apple Store to interview the mini and see how it likes its new styles.
“Oh yeah. Check this out, iPhone. They came to talk to me, pal. No new story about you this week, huh? Gee, that’s too bad. Looks like mini’s getting all the attention these days! Anyway, what was your question?” We asked again how the mini was enjoying its new chipset, but it was distracted by someone looking at the Mac Pro on display next to it.

“Why are you looking at Behemoth over there? Are you suddenly Pixar employees? Do you really need 40 pounds of aluminum to send your little forwarded emails? Or maybe you think you’re gonna write the next great rock opera. Guess what? I can run Garage Band just as well as The Obelisk over there, and you can carry me home on your lap, instead of using a forklift to get Gigantor over there through the front door. Come on, step away from the monster machine.”

“It’s hard for Apple products to not be the ‘top of the line’,” said iPod Touch. “Mini’s been a weak link in the desktop lineup for a long time, and Pro has definitely let mini know where he stands. iMac? Oh no, she’s always been nice to mini, and he really looks up to her. I mean, we all do. But now that mini has a lot more power and has gotten center stage for the first time since his introduction, well, it’s kinda gone to his processor, if you know what I mean.

“But like I was saying, we Apple products are designed to be the best of the best, and when you’re constantly the runner up, it can be hard on your self esteem,” Touch continued. “I’m not proud of this, but when I went Second Generation and got my 32GB option, I kinda let iPhone know about it, you know? I tried to be nice to the Nanos, but it felt good to put iPhone in his place.” Here Touch broke off, seeing an iPod Classic walk by. “Hey, Classic! How’s your dinosaur hard drive holding up? Don’t scratch your disk! Okay, pal, you just keep running in circles, I’ll be over here surfing the web. Yeah, who’s the ‘funnest iPod ever’ now? Yeah, you just keep walking.”

“We’re all very proud of how far mini has come,” said iMac. “but he has kind of gotten above himself with this new upgrade. I mean, he keeps digging at Pro, asking him ‘how many watts he’s wasted today’ and ‘if he’s made any motion pictures yet’, and basically just attacking him in all his most sensitive areas. We all hope it’s just a phase, and that he’ll grow out of it and start acting like an Apple product again.”

Since we were getting strange looks talking to computers, we decided to talk to a real human being. Unfortunately all we could find was an Apple Store employee.¹

“We think that mini has had a pretty bad case of “Napoleon Syndrome” for a while. He’s small, but quite powerful, and threatened by the bigger and more powerful macs around him. But this new speed upgrade has made it much worse. I don’t know why he picks on Pro so much. I mean, it’s 8 cores to 2, man. Game over. But he just can’t let it rest. Still, it’s better than when he was next to iMac.”

“Hey, blogger guy!” mini yelled. “Why are you talking to crew-cut there? Listen, come here.” Dropping to a whisper as we approached, he continued, “Listen, see if you can convince iMac to come over to my subnet. She is one fine piece of industrial design, let me tell you.”

And so, creeped out and a little disappointed, we left the Apple store, without spending money.² Will the mini grow up and take his place in society? Only time will tell.

1. Rim Shot [↩]
2. which creeped out and disappointed the Apple store staff. [↩]