Crazy Apple News Site

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week: Unison, Panic’s award winning Usenet client.

Q: Should I buy Unison?

A: Yes? Maybe? I guess?

Q:Really? You think I should? Well you’re wrong! It doesn’t do what I want at all!

A: So why did you ask?

Q: I expect programs for the Mac to “just work”, and I don’t expect to have to spend a lot of time thinking about how they work.

A: So buy iWork, ’cause it’s “just work”! Hee hee hee.

Q: …

A: …

Q: … Are you quite through?

A: *Ahem*. Yes. Sorry. No more bad puns.

Q: Right. So. I purchased Unison sight unseen, with faith that a reputable software development house such as Panic would not abuse my trust. Imagine my shock when I was greeted, not with a program for creating choral sheet music, but instead a surprisingly large number of ads for various pharmaceuticals.

A: Yeah, that’s Usenet for ya.

Q: How does that Panic company get away with this sort of chicanery? I mean Coda? When I bought that one I was three hours into the documentation before I realized this was a sophisticated way to hand-craft websites, and not a sophisticated way to hand-craft my latest symphony, as I had believed from the program’s name. Why do they think they can call it Coda if it’s not a music program?

A: Um… I can’t tell you.

Q: And why is that?

A: I promised I wouldn’t tell you any more bad puns.

Q: What do you mean?

A: It’s called “Coda” because it sounds like “coder”. Get it? Coda? Coder? See?

Q: I find your computer slang hard to understand. I also do not understand why a music creation program is called Logic, while a programming environment is called Coda. Perhaps you can explain this to me.

A: Um, don’t you want to know about the features of Unison? It’s search abilities? The work that went into the design? The Quick Search? The Message searching?

Q: No, no I do not. These things interest me not in the least. I wanted a choral arrangement program, and I got a new way to look at distasteful advertising. I am not satisfied.

A: Why did you buy it before you tried it?

Q: What?

A: It’s shareware. You could have used it for a month before you paid a penny.

Q: What are you blithering about?

A: All of Panic’s programs have 30-day trials before you have to pay for them.

Q: Nonsense.

A: Anyway, now that you have it, you can use Unison to search for a good music composition program, and most likely find a free¹ program that will meet your needs.

Q: Oh?

A: Sure! all sorts of things are on Usenet. Some are even useful.

Q: It may be as you say. Very well. But now I’m disappointed for another reason.

A: Why’s that?

Q: You actually provided a useful answer in an iFAQ.

A: Wait, no! I didn’t… I never meant…

Q: You did! You actually provided information that has improved my life!

A: Blast.

1. as in “free speech” and “free beer”. We don’t condone piracy. Arrr. [↩]