Crazy Apple News Site

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week: iMovie ’09, the “You win this time, Pogue!” edition.

Q: Didn’t you already do iMovie?

A: Well, yeah, but that was version ’08. This is version ’09.

Q: Like that really matters with these things. I seem to recall that last time, you wrote about someone making a “space pirate ninja elf romance”.

A: Didn’t you have some questions? Please?

Q: I liked that entry. It was witty. It was clever. And now you’re just hoping we’ve all forgotten about it.

A: iMovie ’09 has themes!

Q: I just don’t know, pal.

A: And maps! Ooh, ooh! What about that image stabilization, eh?

Q: I mean, the Internet has standards. People can’t just go recycling things like this all willy-nilly. Where’s your blogger’s license?

A: License, right, right. I’ve got so many! Let me see here, Driver’s License, General Public License, Poetic License, License to Ill,…

Q: Buddy, you know what the fine for blogging without a license is?

A: No, but I’ll bet you’d be more likely to get it from Cory Doctorow than from a poor hack like me.

Q: Doctorow! Don’t get me started on Doctorow. Naaaah, It’d be too much work to get up to that balloon of his. Listen, buddy. You run a nice little outfit here, and I’d hate to see you get shut down, so I’ll give ya some slack this time.

A: Thank you, officer!

Q: But don’t let me see you without your Blogger’s License again!

A: You won’t, I promise.

Q: And a little new content every now and again wouldn’t hurt either. Smarten the place up a bit, you know.

A: Yes sir! I’ll get right on that.

Q: You do that. Well, kid, I gotta run. Be good. I’ll be seein’ ya. [walks out door]

A: Man! Someone has got to do something about that Gruber. I mean, it was cute at first, but now…

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week we continue the iLife ’09 Odyssey with iWeb ’09, Apple’s latest foray into writing webpages for you.

Q: So, I noticed that iWeb now lets you publish to any FTP site, instead of just to Mobile Me. How do you think this will affect their visibility in the marketplace?

A: You know what needs more visibility in the marketplace? Off-Road Velociraptor Safari, that’s what!

Q: What?

A: That’s right! It’s a web game where you are a velociraptor driving a jeep around in the past…

Q: What?

A: …and get points for running down other velociraptors!

Q: What about people using iWeb to create online photo galleries?

A: They can play too. And after you have run down a raptor you have this giant glowing ball thingy that comes out of the back of your jeep that you use to pick up the velociraptors and “export” them to the future, because they’re delicious!

Q: Is this some kind of odd metaphor for iWeb’s new export feature?

A: Stop changing the subject. You also get points for doing damage to your jeep, doing stunts like jumping really far, or going on two wheels, and stuff like that. But mostly it’s about the slow motion shots of a raptor bouncing off the hood of a safari vehicle at 75 mph.

Q: I hear iWeb pages look really good in Safari…

A: Yeah, yeah, iWeb is totally standards compliant and stuff. Listen, one time when I was playing, I was on top of a cliff, and there were three raptors on the edge. So I gunned it and turned sharp at the last second. I hit all three and knocked them off the cliff at the same time!

Q: Didn’t you fall off too?

A: Yeah, but you get points for that. So anyway, I then picked up one of the raptors and used it to knock over four others. It was awesome!

Q: I’ll take your word for it.

A: And the game is written using the Unity game engine, which means it has far better 3D graphics than a flash game, and it uses realistic physics to emulate collisions, falling, and all that good stuff.

Q: How much do we really know about raptor physics?

A: I can’t answer that. I have to go try to export 20 raptors in five minutes. Bye.

Q: So, I’ll just finish up here then, shall I? Well folks, if you want a personal website, but don’t like writing websites, use iWeb. 100% raptor-free!

An exclusive interview with Tim Cook, Acting CEO of Apple Inc, revealed the lighter side of his job this week.

“Sometimes news gets slow,” shrugged Tim Cook. “I mean, of course. We’re working on new products, but they’re not ready to be released yet. Or we’re just focusing on Snow Leopard and the next version of the iPhone OS. Whatever. The point is, when things start to get quiet, we start losing the attention of the world media.” He giggled mischievously. “That’s when I do this.”

Mr. Cook then opened his MacBook Air and went to macrumors.com’s submission page. “I’ve given them enough enticing information that I get priority handling.” He entered an email address, nickname and codeword, then said, “let’s see, what should I tell them today?”

Apple is planning a new mac tablet, with multi-touch and GPS, as well as a face recognition ‘password’ system based on an iSight camera hidden behind the screen. Furthermore, this new device will be priced just above the current netbook prices, somewhere in the $500-$600 range, making it a serious option for those considering a smaller computer.

“I never get tired of these tablet/netbook stories,” Mr. Cook grinned. “And apparently, neither do they. They eat these up. I mean, come on! A tablet? Who wants a tablet? Have you ever tried to get any real work done on one of those? Either you type one-handed while you cradle the thing in your other arm, or you lie it on the desk and break your neck trying to look straight down at it. They’re garbage. But the rumors sites! They can’t get enough of these tablet stories.”

“The great thing is, they’ll bite at anything. ‘Apple is rethinking iPhone pricing.’ That’s a great one. I can roll that one out twice a month, if I want to. ‘Apple to release a netbook’. Priceless. Somehow the tablet/netbook dichotomy doesn’t seem to bother them. And the whole thing just keeps us in the public eye. I love it!”

I asked if he always fed the sites false rumors and he replied, “Oh no. Sometimes I give them a little bit of truth. Keeps me trusted. Keeps ‘em coming back. For example, I ‘leaked’ them that picture of the new iPod Nano. Great advertising, those ‘leaked’ pictures.”

So now you know where all those rumors come from. But wait,here’s the best part! I know something the other sites don’t know yet, and I got it directly from the horse’s mouth! Tim Cook told me that Apple is definitely coming out with a brand new mid-size tower Mac that will be expandable, have a 1TB hard drive standard, and use the DisplayPort or a DVI connector! And will be eco-friendly because it runs… entirely on…. rainbows.

Never mind.

Welcome to the amazing UNIX Timestamp 1234567890!

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week: we begin our tour of the brand new iLife Apps with iPhoto ’09.

Q: Look! Look look look! See the pictures! See the pictures of Spot and Jane!

A: Did you take those? Where did you take them?

Q: iPhoto will show! iPhoto shows me! Oh look look! They were all taken in Iowa!

A: Jane and Spot are in Iowa! You can see them. They are on the Map!

Q: I can see Jane! I have 3,043 pictures of Jane! Jane is my friend!

A: Oh look! Oh see! Jane is in these pictures. iPhoto recognizes Jane!

Q: Can you recognize Jane? When will you see her?

A: I can recognize Jane. We will see her when we go to Grandmas! Jane is playing with Grandma. Jane and Sally are at Grandma’s house.

Q: Sally never should have been in the books! We jumped the shark when Sally came. See Sally jump! Jump, Sally, jump! Jump jump jump.

A: What did you say? What did you say about Sally?

Q: Oh, nothing. I did not talk about Sally. I did not call Sally a show-stealer.

A: Okay. Do you have questions? You should ask! Ask your questions!

Q: I will ask you. I want to make a book. I want a book of pictures. I want a book of pictures of Jane. Can I make this book? Can iPhoto help me make this book?

A: Yes, iPhoto is simple!¹ Making books is easy! I will show you how! Watch me click! Click click click.

Q: You are making it! You are making a book. It is a book full of pictures! It makes me happy! But I am also sad.

A: Why? Why are you sad? Why does making a book make you sad?

Q: Because all the pictures of my childhood are still under copyright. What can I do?

A: Pirate them! Pirate the pictures of your innocent, carefree youth! Use them! Use the pictures of you and Jane and Spot! Now you are a pirate!

Q: Avast! Avast avast avast! I am a pirate! I will plunder! See me plunder!

A: You’ve gone too far! Get help! Run now and get psychiatric help! Run run run!

Q: Arrr.

1. Kinda the point of this whole thing. [↩]

Now that the iPhone has been declared the ultimate winner in the war against the as-yet-unreleased Kindle 2, analysts are looking for other cross-market battles for the revolutionary communication device.

“The Kindle was an easy kill,” says Gohn Jruber, noted analyst.¹ “Now the iPhone is hunting bigger prey. And a German producer of finely crafted automobiles is next on Apple’s dance card.”²

In response to accusations that there is no real connection between the iPhone’s market and the BMW M3 Sedan’s, Jruber replied, “These products are total competitors! They are both made at least partially out of metal, they are both status symbols, and I have at least one of both. So they are both competing for my affection and polishing time. And when it comes to polishing, how many people are really going to make the trek all the way out to the garage, when they can just polish their iPhone to a high gloss in the comfort of their own living room? When people want to polish, they aren’t going to take a big heavy performance vehicle with them.”

Beyond the polishing issue, many other analysts feel that the iPhone has other natural advantages over the BMW M3.
“For example; the iPhone gets an infinite number of miles to the gallon, because it doesn’t use any gas at all!” enthused Pavid Dogue, who claims that “in these environmentally challenging times, this is the kind of fuel efficiency that moves metal. Even if it’s only the trace amounts of metal on the circuit boards and chips inside the newly redesigned plastic iPhone case.”

Apple was unavailable for comment, and when we contacted BMW all they said was “Der Hund wünscht der Motte guten Abend nicht”, which according to Apple’s translation widget means “The dog does not require good evening to the moth”.

1. that’s what his card says. And we always believe what people put on their cards. [↩]
2. It is widely believed that Mr. Jruber has been convicted on multiple counts of metaphor mangling. [↩]

Tens of thousands of people are seriously thinking about calling in sick today with hurt feelings as the MacHeist-spawned gang wars rage across the internet.

“This one guy said that my team wasn’t cool! That’s not nice!”, said ElBanditoCaptain652542, which is a name I hope I made up just now. “I don’t even know why I’m on my team. Or what that means. Or anything. Now I’m too sad to go to work.”

Indeed, despite the fact that the individual points and team rankings are determined by a system so opaque that even Apple would be proud of it, people are still using their newly-found colors to boost their egos at the expense of others.

“Orange Team! Kicking the buts [sic] of all teh [sic] other colorz [sick]” posted reMonkey4335453223344. His post was followed by similarly coherent statements from members of all the other teams.

Surprisingly enough, we were able to contact the secretive “directorate” and get a quote from them.¹

“Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha *GAAAAAASP* hahahahahahahaha!” Said Phill Ryu, While John Casasanta mixed things up a little with a “Bwa ha ha! Heh heh, hehehe, HA HA HA HA HAAAAH! haha.”

We here at CANS would like to thank MacHeist for creating a situation of which even William Golding would be proud.

Apple was too bewildered to comment.

1. Not true. People who are new to this site, please look at the title of the site. Thank you. Now calm down. [↩]

Every Friday we publish a list of inFrequently Asked Questions and answers to help you, the Crazy Apple user, get more out of your Crazy Apple products.

This week: Unison, Panic’s award winning Usenet client.

Q: Should I buy Unison?

A: Yes? Maybe? I guess?

Q:Really? You think I should? Well you’re wrong! It doesn’t do what I want at all!

A: So why did you ask?

Q: I expect programs for the Mac to “just work”, and I don’t expect to have to spend a lot of time thinking about how they work.

A: So buy iWork, ’cause it’s “just work”! Hee hee hee.

Q: …

A: …

Q: … Are you quite through?

A: *Ahem*. Yes. Sorry. No more bad puns.

Q: Right. So. I purchased Unison sight unseen, with faith that a reputable software development house such as Panic would not abuse my trust. Imagine my shock when I was greeted, not with a program for creating choral sheet music, but instead a surprisingly large number of ads for various pharmaceuticals.

A: Yeah, that’s Usenet for ya.

Q: How does that Panic company get away with this sort of chicanery? I mean Coda? When I bought that one I was three hours into the documentation before I realized this was a sophisticated way to hand-craft websites, and not a sophisticated way to hand-craft my latest symphony, as I had believed from the program’s name. Why do they think they can call it Coda if it’s not a music program?

A: Um… I can’t tell you.

Q: And why is that?

A: I promised I wouldn’t tell you any more bad puns.

Q: What do you mean?

A: It’s called “Coda” because it sounds like “coder”. Get it? Coda? Coder? See?

Q: I find your computer slang hard to understand. I also do not understand why a music creation program is called Logic, while a programming environment is called Coda. Perhaps you can explain this to me.

A: Um, don’t you want to know about the features of Unison? It’s search abilities? The work that went into the design? The Quick Search? The Message searching?

Q: No, no I do not. These things interest me not in the least. I wanted a choral arrangement program, and I got a new way to look at distasteful advertising. I am not satisfied.

A: Why did you buy it before you tried it?

Q: What?

A: It’s shareware. You could have used it for a month before you paid a penny.

Q: What are you blithering about?

A: All of Panic’s programs have 30-day trials before you have to pay for them.

Q: Nonsense.

A: Anyway, now that you have it, you can use Unison to search for a good music composition program, and most likely find a free¹ program that will meet your needs.

Q: Oh?

A: Sure! all sorts of things are on Usenet. Some are even useful.

Q: It may be as you say. Very well. But now I’m disappointed for another reason.

A: Why’s that?

Q: You actually provided a useful answer in an iFAQ.

A: Wait, no! I didn’t… I never meant…

Q: You did! You actually provided information that has improved my life!

A: Blast.

1. as in “free speech” and “free beer”. We don’t condone piracy. Arrr. [↩]